I been lurking on here for the past week as I have tried to comprehend the weight of my situation. My wife of 15 years, literally out of nowhere, tells me that she doesn't love me and she wants a divorce. Well, she doesn't really tell me. She was acting aloof and distance for a couple of days. When I ask her what's going on she tells me she's not happy. After that, I basically have to pull the info out her. She says that there isn't anyone else and that she's not happy with the way I treat our 12 year old daughter. I admit, I'm a pest and a nag with my daughter and that I sometimes take my frustrations out on my wife and daughter, but it's never anything abusive in anyway. She tells me she's made up her mind and she doesn't want to work on this at all. No counseling or anything. Frankly she seems like she wants to avoid the discussion entirely.
I go and speak with a therapist I've seen and the past and she suggested I tell her exactly how I feel: I love you and I want to work on our marriage for our sake and the sake of our daughter. She says she'll think about it but she's resigned to the fact that the marriage is over in her mind.
The next night she says she's going to meet a girlfriend from work. When's she not at home by 1:30 (very unusual), I text to see if she alright. No answer. I text her again. No answer. Her car has a app that show where the car is parked. I look and she's nowhere near where she said she was going to be. I look up the address and she's at a male co-workers house. Someone she just started working with but someone she knows for a long time thru friends. When she get's home, I ask her where she was. She sticks to her original story until I show her where she really was. Eventually she fesses up and says she was with this guy that she works with and that they were just talking about our situation. She swears on our daughters life that nothing is happening with this guy. We discuss that neither of us can afford this divorce and that we'll cool it for awhile.
The next day I start to detach and implement Michele's 37 rules. Keeping up a brave face, being cordial and limiting the amount of time I spend around her. Working on myself and seeing if I can better myself in the mean time. It's so, so hard. I truly and deeply love her but right now she seems like she's encased herself in a concrete shell and nothing can get in. She's resigned herself to this and there's no talking about it. I'm utterly heartbroken for us. Our family will be ripped apart. We'll have to sell our home and move intro separate apartments, most likely out of our current school district where our daughter is thriving. We'll lose everything we put into the house because we bought at the height of the housing bubble and the market never came back. If we break even, we'll be lucky.
I like most people have issues I need to deal with. She does too. There have been times when we've both had to carry each other thru the marriage because the other just couldn't. We're both adverse to conflict which is really bad. Things never get discussed and they're left to fester. I'm willing to do the serious work that i need to do in order to be a better person and father. I'd do anything to keep our family together. It's just so hard to feel hopeful when only one person in a marriage feels that way.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely: Consider this your homework.
I've been following Sandi's rules almost from the beginning. I've been detached the last few days. I have a question for you: couldn't detachment be seen as apathy or indifference by my spouse? In a way, almost agreeing with her that this marriage isn't worth fighting for?
She tells me she's made up her mind and she doesn't want to work on this at all.
And you believe her?
Don't believe anything she says.
As far as detaching, she is depressed and you can not fix that. You can give her space to fix herself. She either will or she won't but the best thing is to stay out of her way so she has the opportunity.
The male co-worker being just a friend -- total B.S. But now that you know, do yourself a favor: stop spying on her. Spying is a deal with the devil. You gain some info but your pay for it with your soul -- you will be tortured.
Well, the whole situation is a torture -- we're all going through it. But I hope you find courage to rise above.
Please put a summary of your situation in your signature. Click on "My Stuff" -> "Edit Profile." See other people's signatures for examples. There are so many similar stories here, it helps us remember who you are.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Sorry you are here. But you will gain great support here. Glad you have deleted the app now. I think most of us here are guilty of snooping at one point or another. Before my h changed his passwords I saw flirty messages between him and a colleague. She was telling him to leave me, and he was talking about dating her. This information didn't really help me at all, yes it confirmed an a, but those messages are burned into my brain.
It sounds like you are off to a good start with implementing the rules. Have you read DR yet? That will help for you to read and see what you need to be doing and give you ideas on goal setting for you. What are you going to do to be the best man and best father?
It is tough, it's a long ride. But I guarantee it will help you get stronger, and people here have saved their m.
I would swerve r talks at all costs, you know her thoughts, and she knows yours. As hard as it is, take your focus off her and get focussing on you. What are/where your hobbies? What things can you work on for yourself? Is there anything she has pointed out that you did or didn't do in the m where you feel you could have contributed to the breakdown? Read up on cadets thread on validation too, my h used to complain that I didn't listen to him, so validation was a good start for a 180 for me- I practice this in day to day convos with people now.
She will lie, she will absolutely be all over the board, which is why we must stay steady and consistent. One day she may be cheery towards you- the next she's avoiding you. It's all part of the script, leave her be and offer glimpses of a happy man. The type she would be a fool to walk away from. Keep focussed on your d, she's at an age where she will pick up on things, so protect her the best way you can. I don't know if you do already, but maybe get into a habit of spending time with her, the movies or something. There's some very inspirational men on here who may swing by and help. My good friend surfer is truly shining in this respect, he's taking good care of himself but also being an absolutely fantastic dad with days out and movie nights and so on.
Have a little look around other people's threads, you will see a lot of patterns amongst wayward spouses.
Again, I'm sorry you find yourself here, but it's a wonderful place with a lot of space, and a safe place for us to journal our feelings and vent. You sound like you've already made a great start with things. This will be a tough journey, but stick at it and keep posting
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
I've been following Sandi's rules almost from the beginning. I've been detached the last few days. I have a question for you: couldn't detachment be seen as apathy or indifference by my spouse? In a way, almost agreeing with her that this marriage isn't worth fighting for?
Thank you so much.
msp,
I wanted to stop by as I notice many similarities in our stories... The question you ask here is a normal one that we all seemed to ask early on.
cadet is right in the advice provided for you. cadet is basically right in anything that he shares here...
I have learned from my journey that my WAW did not want anything from me, regardless of what she would say... From day to day her claims of what I did or did not do would change... Nothing you do, will basically be agreeing the same that she is saying. You know what you are fighting for and that is all that matters at this leg of the journey.
But I did make changes... Changes based on the principles of DB... I read and studied DR. I worked with a coach. I worked with an IC. I sought help here. I made changes in my actions and behaviors.
And with every change that I implemented, she became more angry... I would fall back when I saw the anger. She would get even more angry.... My point is, you must give her space to walk her journey... The time you have is your gift. Working on you, is the best way you fight for the MR.
Very counterintuitive....right? That became my gauge...if I started to act or react in what felt natural...I would pause...recall what I was learning from the DB principles ...and the proceed.
The answer to many of your questions will become clear as you walk your path...
I encourage you to step outside of your thread and read and meet others here... You will gather a tribe of support that way...but most importantly, IMHO, you will start to see the patterns that will make the answers to your questions more clear in a more timely manner.
There is much work to do, and as you do it you will gain more strength than you might know at this time.
Quote:
I like most people have issues I need to deal with. She does too. There have been times when we've both had to carry each other thru the marriage because the other just couldn't. We're both adverse to conflict which is really bad. Things never get discussed and they're left to fester. I'm willing to do the serious work that i need to do in order to be a better person and father. I'd do anything to keep our family together. It's just so hard to feel hopeful when only one person in a marriage feels that way.
Now this I understand completely and I am sure if I were to go back to the beginning of my story here, I wrote and expressed this exact sentiment...
The best advice to me was, live in the moment, be the best dad you can possibly be, (and then just a little bit more) focus on ensuring the your D has all of the stability and love that you can provide no matter what...Leave your W be...Her circus, her monkeys.
I will leave it at that for now as many are starting to swing by and you will be in good hands. Please reach out to me if I can be of support or share that which you may benefit from...
My prayers are with you and your family as I know the pain and confusion that is, but I know that there is another side to it and you will come through it.
“Relationships are such that if one person changes, the relationship changes.” Michele Weiner-Davis
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
The situation no matter what stinks. Whether its financial, your wife, your daugther, the idea of not being together as a family
But....glad you found the site early on. I was not so fortunate.
I also buried my head in the sand in terms of her denial of another man..which...many times is the situation underneath it all where the WAW or WAH has found a new toy and its time to blame the husband/wife for everything wrong in the universe. That is coming...trust me. I hope that is not your situation but the truth hurts and it could be...
Best you can do is read up as others have suggested and focus on your daughter. You mention not treating her well so double down and be the best damn dad you can possibly be and work on yourself.
The end result will be a change in you that will make you happier and have a better relationship with your daughter. Hopefully then the rest comes together for you in maybe rekindling the R or not.
Best...
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
I'm about halfway through DB right now. I've started seeing a therapist again to help me sort all my emotions out. It's so hard. Two weeks ago I thought I was happily married. Today I'm writing on a divorce message board. It's hard for me to wrap my head around.
I'm making a concerted effort not to bicker with my daughter about the nonsense that bothers me. It took this BD for me to see how petty I could be with both my wife and daughter. I'm committed to being the best dad I can be.
I'm having such a hard time today. The uncertainty that is in front of me is a form of torture. Half of me just wants the situation to be over and the other half wants to fight like hell.
Thank you to the people who took the time to respond to my post. Knowing there is good and warmth in the world makes things a little easier.
