...a true act of love would be to give him a better version of you if/when he returns ....
I want to pull this out because one of the lessons we learn as LBSs on this journey -- on our journey -- is that if we truly love the other person we MUST let them go and do what it is they believe they have to do right now. Yes it hurts, but we have to love them enough to let them go...
But I love what Cali says here about a true act of love. I do love my MLCer exW enough to let her go (and risk that she may not come back), but I also love her enough to know that this gift of time is time for me to learn and grow and become a better person so that when she wakes up she sees a better version of me and not the person she left behind when she left. I also love myself enough to give myself the gift of a better me, and I love my kids enough to give them the gift of a better me. I still hope and pray that my exW is the one who gets to enjoy the new me, but I am becoming a better version of me regardless of what happens in the long run.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
I am working on my DB techniques as hard as I can. I know that my part of the problem was my communication style. I'm a direct and to the point kind of person (harsh start up). I am working on soft start ups which is a 180 for me. It has been such a challenge, but I'm working on it, if not for this relationship, then my next.
An update . . .
He provided me with his itinerary for his trip for the interview. And based on his where he is flying into and when he is flying, I am suspecting that he is taking the OW. There is a lot of down time. Theoretically, he chose the flight times to save money.
I broke down and straight up asked him. I told him that since I was driving him to the airport, it would really hurt my feelings if I was driving him so he could take a trip with the OW. I asked him if that was the case, to please spare my feelings and find some alternative source of transportation. He claims he isn't going up there with anyone or meeting anyone up there. He claims he wouldn't do that. Uh-huh. When I told him I never thought he would be the type of have an affair, he actually validated my feelings! He actually acknowledged my viewpoint.
I spent my weekend GALing. On Saturday I went to a new restaurant for lunch, on Sunday I went on a really great hike with some friends. We went somewhere I had always wanted to go and it was wonderful. On Monday (work holiday), I took my Little One to the zoo with my father.
It felt good to stay so busy. On the other hand, I just wish we could have done these things as a family. I get so envious when I see families together. It just pulls at my heart so much.
To call this whole experience a rollercoaster is putting it mildly.
I have a question to ya'all out there . . .
On the weekends, H will tag along on outings with my son. Why does he do this? Is it his guilt again? Is he just bored? Or is it confusion?
I know for certain he is still pursuing OW. She is currently in another relationship, but still texts with my husband and talks with him on the phone, and they see each other at work. (I don't get it.) I suspect she is waiting/hoping for him to leave which is why she is hanging on with one foot still in the door.
He did not tell her about the job interview 400 miles away. I don't get that either.
Ugh. I am trying to understand. Understanding makes me more empathetic and patient. It helps make this easier to process when I know "why."
Yes, it is a rollercoaster ride and as a rider, you determine when you want to step off of it.
There is no telling why he tends to tag along on outings w/your son. It could be any number of reasons: 1) it's a habit formed per-crisis and he tends continuing it; 2) he considers his son his best bud because his son doesn't judge or criticize him for what he's doing; 3) he's bored and wants to do things; and 4) it's a good way to keep tabs on you and what you are doing w/your life. It could be any or all of the above, but it's not worth trying to over analyze. Be grateful he wants to spend time w/his son. Some don't.
He may not wish to tell the OW about the job interview until he is offered the job. If he gets the job, he may want to keep it as a surprise and dangle it as a carrot for the OW to decide to go w/him. Again, no telling why he's keeping it a secret.
Don't try to over analyze his every move of word because it will drive you crazy. They change on a dime and give you 2 cents change. There's no rhyme or reason for what they do. Tomorrow things could be totally different and that's why it's important to keep the focus on you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have a question because I am a little confused at what seems to me to be two contradictory ways of dealing with my MLC'er.
All the advice seems to state to go dark, be mysterious, and don't initiate conversations. However, my DB coach has instructed me to act like a friend would.
Well, to act like a friend, I wouldn't be dark and mysterious. I would be friendly, initiate conversations, and be interested in their daily lives.
Any suggestions? Am I getting things mixed up between how to deal with an MLC'er versus WA spouse?
I really don't know what the best route for me to take.
I have a question because I am a little confused at what seems to me to be two contradictory ways of dealing with my MLC'er.
All the advice seems to state to go dark, be mysterious, and don't initiate conversations. However, my DB coach has instructed me to act like a friend would.
Well, to act like a friend, I wouldn't be dark and mysterious. I would be friendly, initiate conversations, and be interested in their daily lives.
Any suggestions? Am I getting things mixed up between how to deal with an MLC'er versus WA spouse?
I really don't know what the best route for me to take.
Thanks in advance!
I would suggest being like a friend you would meet on the street. Mirror their actions.
Not sure if we are friends but you have not called me up and acted friendly to me yet today.
Being a friend to a walk away spouse or a MLCer doesn't mean you pursue them. You give them time and space. Being a friend means listening and not offering up advice until they seek it from you. The term friends to a MLCer is very different from what we think it should be. They want someone to listen and validate them and they do not want to be reminded of what they are doing to us. They are emotionally driven and you can't rationalize w/them.
As Cadet stated, be like a friend you would meet on the street. Be friendly, don't pry and be upbeat As he stated mirror their actions or as I always say follow their lead.
Just remember, pushy friends soon get left by the side of the road and you don't want your spouse to think of you as a pushy/controlling friend.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Being a "distant" type friend would make it much easier to detach.
My concern about detaching so much is that it gives the impression that I do not care. When I think about it, I guess he doesn't care whether I care or not. He is only concerned about himself and his needs. I originally believed that my giving him that impression it would just encourage him to continue to be so callous toward me, but really, he is going to do what he is going to do regardless. Am I getting it?
Now a vent . . . I found out he has been taking the roses from my rose garden and giving some of them to the OW. Ugh! I want so badly to grab him, shake him, and ask him "Are you kidding me? Have you any sense? Can you not see how callous that is?" I mean, really, how completely thoughtless. It hurts so much that he could just not think at all of what he is doing and who it is affecting.
At times it seems his behavior is getting worse.
Okay, I'm going to try to detach now. Hahaha! Thanks for listening.
An issue has come up that is iconic of a recurring problem in our relationship. This issue has been a problem since he started his affair and I do not understand it.
Could ya'all help me figure out the issues behind this? I really need some fresh eyes and additional insight.
So the issue is this . . .
We were discussing some candidates in the upcoming election for a particular office. (I will not reveal too much because it might identity me/us.) I personally know some candidates, some I know by reputation only, and some I have never heard of. A friend of H's asked him to ask me my opinion of the candidates. I shared my thoughts and experiences with the various people I knew and worked with and shared what I knew of the reputation of the others. There was one race where I did not know either candidate or know of them. One of the candidates works for my company the other candidate works for a different company. I told H the pros and cons of each from the perspective of the different companies they work for and what their experience levels would likely be. I also told him that I thought the people who work for the other company are probably smarter than the people in my office because they clean up the mistakes that we make in our company. H replied that does not necessarily make them smarter.
The issue is this, frequently, when I express an opinion about something, he comes in and fights with me about my opinion. I feel like he was deliberately trying to pick a fight with me.
I KNOW the real issue is not whether in fact the people from this other company are indeed smarter than the people in my company. But what is the real issue? I just cannot seem to figure it out?
Does he just want to prove me wrong in something? Does he think I am over generalizing?
What gets me is that he has NO experience working with the people from the other company, nor has he ever met or talked with them, and I do. What gives? Help please!
As a side note, I did a 180. Rather than flame out, I responded that his comment is true and that I must just be lucky because the ones I have worked with are really smart.
