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I am new here, but have been reading the books and forums for awhile. My spouse has had multiple AP for the last several years. I'm pretty sure she's been involved with at least one every year of our marriage, sometimes several at once. Crazy affairs with elaborate gas lighting, dramatic explosions of anger, I catch them and then she goes back and forth for months, pretending she is helping friends while she is out but is so grateful and loves me, some of the most elaborate secret messaging stuff I've ever heard of. We have separated multiple times over the various affairs, she has slept with several of my friends. Other crazy issues include stealing from friends, children and family and drug use over the years. Everytime I catch her doing something destructive she tells me that I am wrong and someone else is lying about her, she creates elaborate stories to back up her lies, and if those are rooted out she moves on to a new elaborate story like the last one didn't matter. In the last few months she has stolen from family members multiple times, slept with 2 different men, developed a relationship with one, stolen from coworkers, and many more issues. When I describe the whole history in detail I often worry that people will think I'm crazy it is so bad and I am not sure if I get specific here if she'll find it. We have been in and out of counselling for years, and our therapists has suggested there are very serious mental illness issues here. A year ago I found out about an EA she was having, and recently discovered she had a separate PA going on at the same time with a friend of mine. 6 months ago, she was fine and happy, no A ongoing that I knew of and she would tell me how happy she was with her life and how grateful she was to have her family. 3 months ago, I discovered another PA with a person from messages on her phone. I confronted her about these and she switched to not really caring about our marriage almost instantly. She agreed to work on things but kept talking to him and pretty sure meeting him in secret. 2 weeks later she said that in therapy she realized she just didn't want to be married anymore like it was no big deal, but was going to "try" to work on our marriage. She has used 4-5 different phones in the last few months several secretly, using GPS on one to throw me off on where she was and another to use undetected. She still continued talking to OM and did several other really destructive things. That I may get into those later but are pretty out there and include some suspected drug abuse.

I told her I couldn't live this way anymore and told her I would like her to leave as soon as possible. She angrily left that day, told the kids goodbye and told me we were done. She left apparently had another PA with another OM a couple days after leaving (guys wife contacted me and sent me the messages she found). She pretended to be helpless for a few days and the few times she talked to the children were a disaster, false promises, lots of crying, so I stopped letting her talk to them for a few days on advice from L. She texted lots of threats and then tried to take them out of school in the middle of the day without my knowledge. She said her L told her to do it and bring them to her office. I now have emergency custody because of this and the last time we spoke she said she thought I was keeping the kids from her since she wouldn't fix the marriage and that was unforgivable, but she wants to be friends and take the kids to do activities together and other things. I still love my WAW but I have no idea what to do anymore, I ignore most of her texts and let her talk to the children at her scheduled times. She texts and asks me to bring her things or do favors for her or texts that she needs me to call her. I'm trying to protect my children from the outrageous behavior and really have no idea what to do at this point. It just seems like years and years of craziness that have never ended, just went underground over and over. Any help here would be greatly appreciated.

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Consider this your homework.

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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I am sorry you are here ATown.

I think at this point you are doing what you can do.... Reaching out for help from external resources for you and your children (lawyer, social worker, counseling).

I think you might gain insight reading posts regarding abusive relationships. (Vanilla has some) and perhaps your goals will be geared more from recovery for you and children instead of saving your marriage?

This is a great forum to join and the various perspectives here are very valuable.

You can try frequent name changes, posting from separately created email accounts, making alterations to certain logistics in your profile so that you are not recognizable.

Any ways right now to take away focus on wife and make it about you? How are you handling the stress? How are the children? What do you need to do to make yourself healthier? I think that's where priority has to be.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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Wow Atown! I am so sorry to hear all of this. Can you give us some my background? How old are y'all? How long have y'all been together? How many kids? ages. etc?
I think you are doing the right thing. You need to protect your kids from the sound of it. You CAN"T fix her. She has to want to do it herself.


M 37 W 30
S 7
Together 10 years
Married 9 years
BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day)
I moved to apartment 1/11/13
W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13
Peicing: 6/3/13
Reconciled: 7/2013
BD2: 4/20/16
still working on it
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I am mid30s, she is a little younger than me, we've been married approx 10yrs. 2 D under 10yrs. She has walked out on them before for several months but showed up about once a week to tell them she wasn't leaving anymore and then would leave the next day. They miss her, youngest one thinks she is coming home and cries at night sometimes. Oldest one doesn't talk about her at all unless she calls and seems unaffected, she says she is sad but ok. We have extended family and church family that have really embraced us in the situation and expressed a lot of care and love. I've been trying to focus on keeping the kids in a stable environment, adding some small chores and making sure their days and nights are predictable, kid focused and fun. They are doing really good all things considered. Their teachers and school counselors are aware of what's going on and are keeping an eye on things and I've arranged for professional therapy for the kids to start this week.

As for me, I do ok in stretches, and then fall apart mostly at nights. I have been strong for the kids, we go to the park and bike rides, family visits, reading books, painting finger nails and game nights. For the first time in their life they get a bath and their hair combed every night and they really like that. I never really thought about this as abuse since there wasn't anything physical other than a couple times when she would break things while having a fit. The pattern has been every 1-2yrs I discover another or multiple affairs then she drags that one out in crazy ways while pretending she's not and not being around and then after some separation or withdrawals she comes back and gets in therapy. Then there is a slow build up of other things, stealing, manipulation, secret credit cards, secret email exchanges, deleted messages all the while telling me she loves me and is so happy and didn't mean all the things she said then and things are getting better when I know they are just building back up then it starts over again. Usually when I catch the A she unloads dozens of "issues" she's never even mentioned before or says she absolutely can't live with something that she said she enjoyed the previous week. Over the last several years I have been really isolated for fear of what she would do or say and I only opened up to make a couple friends, and she slept with both of them, and one of them was only faking being my friend from the begin so he could be with my wife. I've been told it's a serious mental illness or personality disorder by multiple therapists who were not licensed to officially diagnose or were not approved by her to tell me what it was. This time the problems were building very quick and losing much of our life was a real possibility if I didn't do something. It just hurts, all the broken promises, what has happened to our family, I have no idea how to co-parent with someone who has turned out this toxic and destructive. Sometimes I can't help but wonder did I handle this right. I don't know where she is or what she is doing but she is fighting me in court for joint custody. I am trying to do the right thing in everything now, and I want to protect my kids and she is so angry at me for filing emergency custody and can't believe I would limit her contact with my kids, she's been very hateful about it. She will act friendly in one message and then say the most awful character assassinating things the next. I try to remind myself that I'm dealing with addiction and sickness. I have reached out to friends and family for help this time and I'm not protecting or covering for her (she says I am slandering her to everyone we know) and that has helped. I struggle with what to tell the kids about what is going on. She told them that I kicked her out and that's why she can't see them right now and I feel they need to understand some of what is going on at an age appropriate level. My youngest asked me the other day what happens if her husband kicks her out when she becomes a Mom and that breaks my heart she is thinking about that.

She has been texting me for 2 days asking me to call but doesn't say about what, I haven't answered the messages or called her. Not sure what to do here.

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I can't even imagine how painful and tough that must be. I am not a professional therapist, but from what you are saying it certainly sounds like she has some serious addict problems. Affairs are a form of drug as well. It sound like she loves the excitement. She probably tries for a while, but then misses the rush.
Honestly I would do exactly what you are doing. I would protect my children. I would let her know that the only possible chance she has is to get help. I really think that is all you can do right now. You certainly do not want to enable her.
I think your road is going to be a long one, but that it is so important for you to be a strong father right now


M 37 W 30
S 7
Together 10 years
Married 9 years
BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day)
I moved to apartment 1/11/13
W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13
Peicing: 6/3/13
Reconciled: 7/2013
BD2: 4/20/16
still working on it
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She does try for a few months after each major affair, or it appears that way. Then she starts complaining about how much longer she has to "deal with this". She went to NA for a few months several years ago and then I ended up finding text messages about how to text when I wasn't around and about not getting caught having an affair a few months into that. She hasn't really cooperated in therapy and often spent weeks and weeks discussing why she had a hard time mentally in just cleaning the kitchen or picking up after herself. Every time she says she has learned her lesson and will never put her family through that again. Then when I catch her again, nothing will stop her from running everything off the rails. This last time she said she was just no longer willing to "settle for this". No idea where that came from. Thanks for the comments and support, sometimes it helps just to be reminded that I'm doing the right thing and not the vindictive monster she wants to make me believe I am.

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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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What consequences did your W face after every new affair?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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After the first big one she went back and forth for a few months, then ended up separating because she didn't want to end it. I took her back after she claimed she had been doing work in counseling but that didn't happen. the next big one she did the same thing for months and then I gave her an ultimatum to stay in the house until she detox led from drugs and him or if she left not to come back. There were other men that I found inappropriate stuff but no hard evidence so we would just have a fight where she denied them and then go back to the way things were. This last A, also had stealing, pill bottles found, and other things and when confronted she denied everything but pretended she would work on the marriage, that didn't happen and then her behavior put my job and home in jeopardy so I had to ask her to leave and get help. She called the kids a few times after leaving but it didn't go well and she got them really upset, made promises she wasn't going to keep and cried most of the time so on advice from L and therapists I told her she couldn't talk them like that and needed to get help. Instead she got a lawyer and tried to take them out of school a week later. I usually ended up really isolated during most of these and was bullied into standing back while she did whatever she wanted.

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What do you plan to do if she refuses professional help?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Talked to her the other night, she had asked me to call her for several days and I ignored it. She said she was getting her own place and needed to talk to me, but instead ended up talking about every little thing that I had done and how nothing I accused her of was true. Oh well. Family therapy went good, she was great with the kids and talked them about a lot of different things. She told me they were adjusting very well and doing good. And that she thought I was doing a great job with them. She also noticed that the kids did t seem to be yearning for their Mom. Lastly she reminded me to make sure I protected myself and didn't let her talk me into letting her come home or be around outside the court orders for our protection. One day at a time but man this [censored].

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It is about boundaries. Right now she is manipulating you. She says something outrageously unfair or untrue, and you react and argue about it with her. *YOU* are making the choice to react, you are making the choice to engage. She is not 'doing this to you', YOU are the one going down this road. You must let go of the desire to get her to admit to her lies and take accountability for her choices. Compulsive liars cannot do this. They simply cannot. It will not happen. So step one is to quit talking to her and drop your expectations.

As for legal protection, you need a lawyer, and a counselor. A lawyer, and a counselor. You need to tell them what is going on, and you need to follow their guidance.

Losing your partner is very hard. But the silver lining is that in your sitch the road ahead of you is very straight forward. She is making this really, really simple for you. STFU, set boundaries, get a lawyer, and protect yourself. It couldn't be simpler.

What we are here to help with is you. What are you getting out of these exchanges where you continue to participate and react? Are you so needy for her voice and attention you are willing to accept arguing and insane denials and accusations? What false belief are you clinging to? Is it that if you suffer enough and forgive enough and put up with enough she'll appreciate how 'generous' you're being?

In sum, when you look at this and clearly see the right road ahead, what is it in your way?

It's time you started answering and addressing these questions. And I believe you're ready to do it in a way you wouldn't have been able to up until now. It is your time to step up, and we are here with you. Hang in.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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