Nice job acting "as if." Your friend has the right idea. Like an addict, there really is nothing you can do for him. He needs to figure it out himself.
As for strength, you really are doing well! Keep posting, stay active, mentally occupied and stick with your IC as long as you feel it moves you forward. You too will become stronger through this.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
So -- I guess I will update on my GAL. On Friday I was invited to dinner at a local church where I attend my support class. My daughter and I went and had a wonderful time meeting new people. On Saturday, we were invited to an event that my H would be at, but I decided I did not want to go. So instead I took my D to the Melting Pot and we enjoyed the cheese course and the chocolate course. It was nice time of bonding. We also visited a new church on Sunday (my H decided a few years ago to pull us from church). We liked the church, but I think we will visit the one again that sponsors my support group. Then we leave Thursday for NM to enjoy the balloon festival with family. My H hates flying so we never flew anywhere. This will be my D's first air plane trip -- and maybe a start to more travels in the future.
I am also praying more -- daily for my H and his safety, my D for the events of this MLC to be minimal on her, and for me to heal, grow, and see the path I need to take in the future. I found that if I try to look to far into the future, I get overwhelmed. Taking it day by day!
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
I am also praying more -- daily for my H and his safety, my D for the events of this MLC to be minimal on her, and for me to heal, grow, and see the path I need to take in the future. I found that if I try to look to far into the future, I get overwhelmed. Taking it day by day!
I know for me this is about all we can do. I pray for continued guidance and if you do this on a day by day basis it seems that He will never allow you to get to far off the path He as set forth for you.
Thank you CaliGuy! That is my hope to stay on His path. I know I'll be okay if I am alone -- or if my H returns.
Can't believe I made it one month since he moved out. I still cry several times a day, but I am sleeping better. So win win!
Today he opened his own checking account and we will finish splitting our finances within the next few weeks. Never would I image that this is where I be. And yay I turn 42 next week and our 17th anniversary is in a few weeks. I thought we had a good marriage -- just rocky the last couple of years. I hate him for doing this and I hate the way I feel all the time about myself and I hate that I still love him so much. The pain is just so unbearable at times. I am writing here because I want nothing else but to call him. BUT ... I won't.
I leave on Thursday to go to the balloon festival in NM. I have never been and I'm taking my 'good' camera. I decide that photography is something that I have always enjoyed and I want to work on that as a hobby.
My mother also introduced me to a friend of hers who went through a MLC a few years ago. Her H came back and they survived! Yay for them. That is my hope, but I'm afraid if I wish for it too much, I'll be disappointed. The few friends I have told -- tell me I need to file ASAP to protect myself and my daughter. But I can't ... I want to keep trying to save our marriage -- but I feel so weak and too close to the beginning. I can't image going through this for years.
I know I cannot fix him and I know that we are separated because of him and I know he needs to work this out himself --- but this so damn hard!!! Guess I better work on me some more!
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
Okay -- sorry for my post above. I need to remover to stay away from drinking when I am sad.
Today, I will focus on my blessings:
1. I have a great job (better than my H's) and my managers are very supportive of me and are allowing me to take breaks as I need. I have had the same job for 16 years -- where he has always bounced around.
2. I am still living in my home and my H does not want it. He now hates the area. We live outside a large city and he has moved into the city.
3. I have a loving D that just got straight A's on her progress report -- even though her life was turned upside down last month.
4. My H just gave me his bonus and almost all my credit card debt has been paid off. I also ordered new cards that no longer have him as an authorized user.
5. I have a very supportive network of friends and family. Although I am afraid they will get tired of me rehashing the same stuff over and over again.
6. I have found a wonderful IC who is amazing and a great support group that meets every Wednesday.
7. My household chores are now 1/2 what they used to be -- and I no longer worry that my H will decide to just go and blow $500 without telling me (my paycheck is now going into my own account).
8. I have lost almost 25lbs since he told me. About 20 more and I will be at the weight I was when we married, when I was 25.
I will think of more later! I hope each and everyone of your have a great day!
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
Breathe. All that up there ^^ good stuff and a better place to focus on than the alternative right?
About the weight thing .. I too lost a ton, 30 total pounds all said and felt good but horrible if you know what I mean. Unfortunately I put 20 of it back on .... kinda snuck up on me but I want to drop that 20 and this fat kid loves food so the struggle is always real
Its good you are getting your finances in order, I think for any LBS of a MLCr this is paramount ... things are stressful enough with all this one should lock the money down if at all possible.
Amy just know ... this is a long haul, best thing you really can do is turn your focus inward as impossible as that will be on days. Be the rock, for your D, yourself, and when if he ever needs it your H. Somewhere here there is a saying "I might quit .. but not today" ... this does get easier with time I promise you.
Now this is what I call PMA! I too have bad days but today is a good one and like you am telling myself what I have.
I actually lost H as I knew him over two years ago, even though he's only physically left six months ago.
I have a roof over my head, (while he pays the mortgage!) two fantastic children, lost weight and look better than I have in years and I like myself for the first time ever.
H was always the nice guy and I was always the not so nice one. Not anymore!
Okay -- sorry for my post above. I need to remover to stay away from drinking when I am sad.
Today, I will focus on my blessings:
1. I have a great job (better than my H's) and my managers are very supportive of me and are allowing me to take breaks as I need. I have had the same job for 16 years -- where he has always bounced around.
2. I am still living in my home and my H does not want it. He now hates the area. We live outside a large city and he has moved into the city.
3. I have a loving D that just got straight A's on her progress report -- even though her life was turned upside down last month.
4. My H just gave me his bonus and almost all my credit card debt has been paid off. I also ordered new cards that no longer have him as an authorized user.
5. I have a very supportive network of friends and family. Although I am afraid they will get tired of me rehashing the same stuff over and over again.
6. I have found a wonderful IC who is amazing and a great support group that meets every Wednesday.
7. My household chores are now 1/2 what they used to be -- and I no longer worry that my H will decide to just go and blow $500 without telling me (my paycheck is now going into my own account).
8. I have lost almost 25lbs since he told me. About 20 more and I will be at the weight I was when we married, when I was 25.
I will think of more later! I hope each and everyone of your have a great day!
These are great things. Always count your blessings. Do it every day. Detach and do more GAL activities. You'll find that you're still a fun person and you're happy. What did you dream of doing when you were young? I know there are some things you wanted to do with your life that you put on hold or let go of because of marriage.
We all make sacrifices in marriage. Now you don't have to. You can do whatever you want. Salsa dancing? Hang gliding? Scuba diving? Running? Zumba class? Learn to play the cello? Whatever. Anything you want. It's your life and you answer to no one. Especially not him, he wanted off your team and you only plan your comings and goings with your team. Spend more time actively doing GAL and having fun, and less time crying and lamenting your marriage. Force yourself to refocus your thinking. Counting your blessings is a good thing to do. Keep it up.
I am really trying. I am trying to rebuild my self esteem and trying to remember that I used to be fun. I just cannot imagine a future without him being in it. I am sure that will get easier with time.
I feel like a child -- throwing a tantrum that it's not fair. This is not what my future was suppose to be like. But then I remember that life is not fair. I was so secure and set in my marriage -- I did not realize my H was leaving me.
I know this is all about him .. But I can't help feeling I was part of the blame. Like if I had tried to help him or be more supportive ... I could see a change in him the last few months. He was so angry and mad. He blamed work -- and I just believed him. He grew more selfish and everything was about him. He was no longer affectionate and I felt unloved for the first time in our whole marriage. This all started after his dad died in January of this year. When he went to notify his mother of his dad's passing -- he found out she had died in October 2015. That is how messed up his family is .. And his mother had cut ties with him when she found out she had cancer. Plus I'm still recovering from my cancer.
I don't want the man he is now -- I mourn the man I married. I turn 42 in 2 days and now I fear this is the way my life will be. I know that before this -- any issue I had I had complete faith I would pull through. This is the first time I do not feel like I can make it.
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
Breathe! You are stronger than you think. Sure, you could have been more supportive and pretzeled yourself into knots trying to make him happy, but the bottom line is this, he would still have had his crisis whether he was w/you, another woman or single. You had a lot on your plate yourself and your health issue took a toll on you and your focus had to be on beating the cancer and recovering.
Amy, you have to have faith and believe that things will work out. It may not be the way you want it to work out, but no one knows how your situation will play out. Don't look too far ahead, keep your focus on today, tomorrow or even next week. The past is gone, the present is a gift to use wisely and the future is not ours to see just yet.
You will get through this...but you need to mourn and that takes time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
