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You have to detach and grow and I also feel you got to get angry. You are bottling it in way too much.


I like this. I, too, bottled up way too much. Ended up hitting the bag at the gym for a bit. Very therapeutic.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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Pinn
It is funny how we seem like the same person. I too went for a long time letting the emotional side run things and not trust my gut. And turns out I can prob just go ahead and trust my gut from now on.
I am. It going to tell you the best solution is divorce and be done. I truly don't think that is a solution for anything.
Doe my gut instinct trust her? Nope.
Do I think she can change? Possible. Will it happen again? Possible.

You stated what you want. You want to be married to her and have a family. So can't give that up just because right now it seems impossible.

You have been at this a long time and you have done some serious work and in all respect had received some great results for yourself and your relationship.

I think in my opinion you may all your cards on the table and tell her everything you want, what you are afraid of, all the trust issues, everything. Finish with you have to leave things in her court. Make sure she is aware you will watch her actions and will know from those what will happen.

I really want this to work. I believe in marriage even though mine is about over from the paperwork side. But that takes both sides wanting it as you know.

In the end you do need to be happy with or without her. That is what I tell people All the time now when they want to talk bad about my situation. She believes she is happy and did what she had to do to get there. [censored] for me and kids but how can I judge it?!!


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
otw #2726838 01/23/17 11:13 AM
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pinn Offline OP
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Thanks Vap, Jeep!

Vap I agree and disagree. I agree I bottle things up and I agree I need to get angry. I am pretty angry at the moment. I disagree on detachment. I am about has detached as you can get. I don’t care if I hear from her, don’t care if I see her, don’t care what she is doing and I haven’t for a while. I guess my only attachment is to that dream that we could be happy together but I don’t think I can make her happy for the long term, not sure if anyone can..

I also disagree a bit on the closure issue. Maybe I shouldn’t have used the word divorce. But it is decision time. Wife’s fog is gone. I need to decide whether to work on things with her or not. There is not an opportunity to sit back, work on myself and show her the best me I can be. That’s done. If I decide not to, that is closure, it’s over for good, believe me on that. The paper doesn’t matter one bit you are right but the decision does. I don’t think it will solve her problems, she is going to be a mess either way. Actually, it will make things worse for her I think. For me, I am not looking at this to solve any problems. For newbies who come around start throwing around the D word after 3 months, I agree it won’t do any good. But for long timers, I think there has to be a time when you make a logical choice about your future and know when enough is enough.

Thanks OTW. Wise words indeed. I think I will contact her for a few days and then have heart to heart this weekend. But she is a lying, little sneak how can I trust what she says? I hear what you are saying but my brain is telling me to let it go, its time. It’s been 20 years of this BS and I am only 35! She is going to get us both killed. Maybe I should change the phrasing of what I want. What I want is to be with someone who adores me, never wants to let me go and wants a family with me. My preference is for that to be with WW but the description of what I want supersedes that. Know what I mean?

I don’t really want to leave things in her court as I feel I need to make the decision. She seems willing to do whatever at the moment to officially get back together. But I am just not there. Funny, I guess this is a case of the LBS turning into the WAS that I read about from time to time. Never thought that would be me.

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otw Offline
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The rewording made the picture better for me. I agree with your responses to the other comments and advise. I am well aware of your situation and the road you traveled. I'm not sure people are aware of how well you followed the db methods.

It does seem you don't care either way of it will work with her or not. I also believed you have done everything you could to try.

Probably against all others opinions on here and may get flamed for it but it may be time to walk

I know you have come out the other side of this a better personw


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
otw #2726929 01/23/17 08:07 PM
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pinn Offline OP
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Thanks OTW. I know it is hard for you to post and I appreciate the time. You do know my story the best out of anyone here.

I did follow the DB methods pretty well and they worked. I mean I am right where I wanted to be... made myself better in a number of ways and WW is begging to come back. If it was just felon it might be possible. But this new revelation about a guy from a few years ago is tough news to swallow. Changes everything really.

Walking away makes me so so sad. More sad than BD I think but deep down I am feeling it is the right thing to do. We could have had it. I really believe that. I feel bad picturing her life in the future, I really do. There is a great person in there.

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Man. I haven't posted this much here in months.

I want this to work for you. More than you know.

I think all the cards still need to be laid out. All of the new information, all of your feelings everything.

I know firstnhand people change. Maybe she can change for the better.

In the end you know the situation best though. You deserve to move forward with the life and marriage you are looking for. It is time. With or without her.


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
otw #2727237 01/25/17 07:47 PM
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pinn Offline OP
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Thanks OTW and anyone else reading along.

Haven't spoken to W since Sunday. I requested that she not contact me for a bit. My mind jumps back and forth with what to do. Still leaning towards ending things, but we do need to have that talk sometime this weekend I suppose. I believe 100% she wants to get back together and really means it. The problem is I do not think she would feel the same way a few years down the road. I always feel like she has one foot out the door. She never seemed excited about our wedding, never would seriously discuss children and always kind of supported my former brother in law when he and my sister broke up. Most people on my sisters side didn't talk to him anymore because that's just the way it goes. My W always said it wasn't right. I felt like she was doing that because she knew the day would come for us and she did not want to be treated like that. Just my thought though.

Amazingly, I feel badly for her. What a mess. I will be honest. When I told her it was over last weekend, and heard her wail, it was satisfying in a way and I hate to admit that. First time in 20 years I have been the one to say those words.

On the plus side, I set up my outside security camera. A bit hap hazard but it'll due for know until I have more time. I hope POS felon does something now.

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Do the words restraining order ring a bell? A call to his probation officer? You hoping the POS does something is dowright creepy. Call the police and inquire about your options.

Do not mess with the POS...

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pinn Offline OP
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Hi vap... thanks for checking in. Of course I've gone to police. I can't get a restraining order they say. That's in only for relationships. The only thing I can do at the moment is get a weak no trespass order. I don't have hard proof of anything... we all know the deal cops included but I don't have 100% proof. I'd scarifice some vandalism to catch him in the act. WW needs to get a RO against him though without a doubt.

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Quote:
I believe 100% she wants to get back together and really means it. The problem is I do not think she would feel the same way a few years down the road. I always feel like she has one foot out the door.


How can you feel 100% that she wants to get together and mean it, yet believe its like she has one foot out the door? It has to either/or. If you truly believe, then don't worry about the future and take one day at a time. That's all you can do. Just as we can't live in the past, we can't live in the future on what might happen. One day at a time, my friend.

Quote:
She never seemed excited about our wedding, never would seriously discuss children and always kind of supported my former brother in law when he and my sister broke up. Most people on my sisters side didn't talk to him anymore because that's just the way it goes. My W always said it wasn't right. I felt like she was doing that because she knew the day would come for us and she did not want to be treated like that.


I'm separating this part because it deserves its own attention. Those aren't behaviors of someone who wants to be married.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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