Thanks for stopping by cheesyt. Your observation is not surprising. I have been down on WW for the past few weeks. I am tired... nothing else I can really say besides that.
In my opinion, youre souring on this because you are finding yourself in the friend zone with WW. She isnt being proactive about doing any work towards ACTUALLY making your relationship healthy, and so youre doing this kind of causal meeting periodically. I have no idea if you set a hard boundary about this what her response would be. But in my opinion, youre getting impatient, because you want to see something more from her, and she isnt doing it. She says you should "see someone" but hasnt made any effort towards scheduling something or even researching what might be out there. How can you expect yourself to be '100% in' when you are sensing that shes only, say, '50% in'?
I think it is perfectly reasonable to say that youd love spending more time with her, but at this point, you arent willing to settle for just being dinner buddies. If she wants to go to counseling together to figure out how to rebuild the relationship, then you are willing to try that. If not, then maybe it's time to part ways.
I dont know. Ive never been at the stage you are in. That said, I really have no interest in being at that will they/wont they stage. If my ex were to come back at a time when I was single, I wouldnt be interested in just being a friend - I know it would be too difficult for me.
Hi pinn, I know it doesn't help your sitch but I am having similar issues with my W - she won't commit to being fully in, and atm I don't really know what is happening
talk is cheap as they say - it's action we are both looking for.
I too feel a but stuck, guess we just have to continue to DB our best to make ourselves the best we can be, your W has to make these steps herself and show you the commitment needed.
Please continue to keep us updated on your sitch, it's reassuring not just our own spouses are behaving like this.
M 10, T 18 M: 36, W: 35, D: 8, S: 6 EA: Oct 12 ILYBINILWY: Jan 15 BD: Aug 15 Separated: Sep 15 Miss you: Jun 16 Aug 16: Dating (!) Oct 16: Selfishness returns... currently: disgusted
Thanks Dark… great thought provoking post as usual. Seems like you nailed my feelings. I appreciate your words. I hate the friend zone and have zero desire of being friends after this… it’s not possible. I have thought I am entering the friend zone lately which probably is the reason for my coldness. Thanks SRT for also checking in. I will have to read about your situation.
I think WW is 60-70% in. She has researched places so she says. The other night late she text me that she had found places we could go and she would call them the next day if I was still interested in that. I said of course but let it go at that and wanted to see if she would actually follow through. It wasn’t mentioned again until dinner this weekend when WW said I didn’t sound enthused about it so she didn’t pursue. I just think it is pointless for me to force the MC issue. I only want to go if she wants to save this, otherwise I don’t see the point. The the whole ‘chemistry’ thing coming up this weekend again and threw me for a loop, I wanted to punch a wall.
Maybe it is time for a firm boundary like you say. She is complaining about of my lack of engagement lately. If it comes up again, I could say that I would love to spend more time with you but I don’t have any interest in being just friends and I feel like that is where we are headed. If she is interested in really working on things, then let’s do that and if not then let’s get the show on the road. I am 100% OK with divorce at this point.
Physically attracted? Yes, without question. She is a very beautiful woman and my exact type. I think she is attracted to me too.
Out 'chemistry' issues boiled down to a few things (I think). First, I think we were missing that emotional attachment that makes chemistry easy and 'natural'. Second, we lacked spontaneity and always waited for the weekends particularly Saturday night. This creates stress for both of us and turned something that should be enjoyable into something that was not so. It turned into an obligation. Third, my head would just go wonky and I'd get anxiety. It just felt like I was never doing anything right. I hardly ever initiated because of this even though I wanted to all the time. This is my issue to deal with.
On BD she was saying that these things should be natural and we just didn't have it. I disagreed and said these issues could be worked on if both wanted it (she didn't back then of course). Now, she again stresses how important this is to her and I do not disagree. It is very important. She says she is open to working on it but does not know where to start.
As a lady with a high drive, much higher than the men in my life, I know this stuff needs planning, once planned then this falls into place. Seduction is a crafty business and needs prioritising.
It does need planning but not Work!
The physiology means the more nookie you have the easier it gets. The less anxious the performance, sex is messy funny loving and every adjective, noun and verb that's great.
So you are attracted to each other?
Plan so it looks spontaneous.
I can only speak from personal experience of course and each R is very different. Connection starts with simply smiling, winking and sticky eyes. Sticky eyes is a technique that gets great results. And don't forget kisses and butterfly touches.
However this old crafty bird knows that it takes planning to be spontaneous. My fave on this is Tracey Cox (appropriate name huh?) and superflirt. Mainly because it's light fluffy and full of stories. It isn't a relationship book or in any way serious. There is Youtube BBC programmes. They aren't about fitting rude bits together just much pleasanter loose connection.
Worth a look.
Just saying.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thanks V. That is an interesting perspective. Easier said then done at the moment though. Def not the time to try and be spontaneous with WW. I understand what you mean about planned spontaneouty though. I used to try and plan things that way, just never worked out. Hopefully, I'll be able to give it another go with WW or in a new relationship.
I am very attracted to her, and she says she is attracted to me.
