Vey detached, no longer anxious, in limbo

[JRuss]

That is great news, Phoebe. I admire your strength and fortitude. Facing that court appearance and seeing him again -- all while holding it together so well -- that's something to build on, for sure. You can do this.

[BluWave]

(((Phoebe)))

I just got caught up on your sitch. Whoa!!! I cannot even imagine what you are going through, sister! Thank goodness for all of the love and support you have, and the Xanax of course. :-)

And then to have to see him in court after all this time!?! What a darned FOOL this man is and has made of his life. Wow. I actually feel a bit sorry for his pitiful arse too. I doubt he will ever have the companionship, joy and love in his life that you could have provided. His loss!

You are without a doubt a strong, intelligent, and beautiful soul. I so admire you. I have no doubt when your 20-something months of grief are up, more beautiful things will come your way. In fact, I think the worst is over now.

Blu

[Phoebe]

Well, I'm feeling a bit upset about the whole mess today, I won't lie.

Yes, I get temporary support, but it starts as of this week, so the proverbial "check's in the mail." The judge ordered that neither of us touch any marital assets (the reality meaning that I can't touch anything at all), and so that leaves me with exactly zero money at the moment with which to pay bills and only a few dollars in cash in my wallet. STBXH has access to all kinds of funds in his name alone (though they are also marital assets and should not be touched). He can always just use some of our marital $ and then replace it when his next paycheck comes in. I await the allowance that I am going to be given. Yuck.

The judge may have ruled for me, but he also put me under a serious financial constraint. It would have been one thing if I had even a small block of money to use for my current bills, but I am starting from literally nothing, yet with all of my usual expenses. Ugh.

It's not like I wasn't planning on getting back to work, but after not practicing for so many years in my field, that is easier said than done, particularly on very short notice. And beyond that, I am really freaking struggling again - iffy appetite, up to my eyes in the emotional fallout of all of this. The roller coaster ride is in rapid cycle mode and I am going from sad to angry to frustrated to empty to whatever, all within minutes. Both my therapist and GP told me this is all normal when I saw them this week; it may be "normal," but I want to get OFF this ride!

Thank you Blu, Painter, JRuss, and Miss V. I'm trying hard to hang in there, and mostly I'm doing pretty well, but yesterday when I got the mail (with the bills) it hit me exactly what the financial orders were going to look like in real life, and I'm kind of upset that no one considered that this would be the result. I certainly wan't in any state to make the logical jumps to get to this realization while we were sitting in court. This, too, shall pass, but it's not going to be smooth sailing for a while yet.

I keep having people remind me that it could be so much worse, but, as I well know from my grief counseling work, our struggles are not relative. Of course I'm glad that my H didn't kill himself like my uncle did, of course I'm glad that no one has cancer, of course I'm glad that I should eventually regain my financial stability when all of this is finished, of course I should be glad that there are no children involved in this mess (even though I gave up kids altogether for this man I married), but the bottom line is that I am not glad about any of this.

... and that was just this week's crop of "it could always be worse" comments/comforts from friends and family... I know they mean well, but jeepers...

It is what it is, right? I'm sorry to complain.

[Vanilla]

It is tough Phoebe especially on the Fins.

Somehow from somewhere the resources come, never worked it out how but it did.

I call it wiggling, cutting to the bone, delaying. Still doing it.

V

[Vanilla]

Let me know how you are.

I have the kettle on the stove, some English tea and a warm hearth.

Come join me, sit and dream awhile and let's look at resourcing together. Just chums chatting about our vanished WH and Fin difficulties.

Looking at the next stage of the game.

All we have to do is hold on.

V

[SH_]

My dearest Phoebe...I have come out of my self imposed exile in hopes to encourage you out of yours to sit with our dear sweet lady V.

I know that she can provide support and guidance that you can benefit from.
My heart breaks at the thought of what you are enduring. I send you all the hugs and rainbows that I can muster up and hope to have your presence to provide comfort for in the very near future.

(((((Phoebe))))

[Painter]

((((Phoebe)))),

Just checking in to see how you are doing. I hope you are okay!

Was anything said in court about the missing assets?

[Phoebe]

Hi. Vanilla, I can't tell you how much it means that you are willing to hang around here with me. I am just about to steep myself a nice cup of tea, so it's a good time for me to write a bit here.

And thanks for the gentle prod to get back here, SH. I'm not in exile, so much as playing ostrich (head in the sand), I guess. I've been busy and without blocks of time to check in, and there is certainly a bit of avoidance of wanting to deal with this whole thing. I'm also still hanging around in the land of "I don't care an awful lot." It's not every day, but it's often.

Since seeing STBXWH, and finding myself feeling compassion towards him, of all things, I find myself thinking of him often again. Not wistfully, just having those stupid imaginary conversations, the wondering, the confusion about what the heck happened. I talked to my therapist about this yesterday, and the thought was that since I have had no closure of any type with this person I loved for 2.5 decades, that seeing him again, even if from across a room, has put me back into a bit of the old thought patterns that I had walled off for so many months. I was barely thinking of him at all for huge blocks of time, and now he wanders across my mind every day again, and it feels like a step backward.

I have had contractors at my house most days since the end of last week, getting estimates on some much-needed repairs that the court has agreed that WH should pay, so I don't really even feel like I own my own schedule at the moment. Today I didn't want to get out of bed again. And I am back to having sleep quality issues, as well as not having a sleep schedule to speak of, though I am making progress on that front this past week. Kind of ironic, though, that as I am getting my sleep schedule back on track that I am having problems actually sleeping! I lay awake, wake up often, and am back to early wakening. Darn it. So, a few steps forward, a few steps back.

I got my first support payment, so I at least feel like there are a few dollars between me and the financial wall. These things usually work out, I know.

It's been raining and cold and windy here for days, and this morning it's in the upper 30s and intermittently rainy/ice pellet-y. I really want to go outdoors and pick apples from my old trees, but am not feeling like getting that chilled down. I am scheduled to press apples for cider this coming weekend with H-friend, and really need something to actually press!!! The weather has just been so uncooperative, though, and the dreary weather is certainly not helping my overall ambivalence, either. The funny thing is that I usually love rainy days. I think I'd rather have snow now, though. At least it looks pretty and a person can stay dry and warm in the snow, which is a whole lot harder in the rain.
-------
Well, I wrote all of that this morning, and then the sun peeked out, so I went outside and took a really nice walk, scouting for apples and found... almost none! So, I see some apple purchasing in my future. I like the free wild ones best, but most of the old heirloom/wild trees fruit every other year, and this isn't one of them!

Time for me to run. I'm making dinner tonight for myself and l-friend. I'm thinking that it's a good night for come comfort food - homemade mac and cheese, actually.

Thanks again for the support. It really means a lot to me.

[Phoebe]

Hi Painter!! I was typing when you posted. The missing assets were located (WH provided copies of statements to my L) and they are specifically mentioned as being off limits to him for further diversion. I'd be happiest if they were returned to an account where I could see them, but I can only go along with the court.

Thanks for checking on me. Sorry I've been out of it lately.

[Painter]

Phew, I'm glad they were located! I know it upset you that they were missing and it must have been a substantial amount. Does your L know about WH's problems with drugs? Is this information that was put to the court? I would think they would not let him have it in his safekeeping if they knew.

I'm glad you're doing nice things with friends - your life is moving forward and you're creating new memories every day.

Weather is crappy here, too. Both my dog and I wore our raincoats today. Time for another walk in the rain shortly.