FWIW, I don't think a year is in any way an unusual amount of time to still be cycling, especially where you've been treated the way you've been treated (and are still being treated). You were together a long time, and it was an incredibly important relationship. You formed a strong attachment to your spouse -- the goal and purpose of the relationship -- and it doesn't just go poof without significant periods of grief. Especially around anniversaries and milestone dates, it would be 100% normal for someone to feel sad given the totality of your circumstances. Hang in there and don't add self-judging to the pile of hard things in your life -- you're doing fine!
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Thanks, Miss V, Painter, and JRuss, Sotto, and anyone else who I am forgetting. I've kind of been on autopilot as of late. I haven't accomplished much of anything on my chicken project, or really anything else. I had a really nice day yesterday with H-fried, baking and making soap, and then L-friend came over and we had dinner and a nice evening. I also talked to my father on the phone for quite a while and that was really nice, too.
So it was a good day yesterday, and yet I still feel mainly flat. I'm in the process of tapering my AD meds again, so that's probably contributing a bit to the way I'm feeling. I can laugh and enjoy the company of others, but when I'm alone, I just feel really blah.
I'll try to get back here more often and do some more journaling. It's helped me in the past, and I know that it would help me to try to sort out what I've been feeling again. Meanwhile, I have to get myself motivated and outdoors to do some work on my building project. Once I get going, I'm fine, but I notice that it takes much more activation energy for me to get started these days.
Maybe it's the short days, maybe the decreasing meds, maybe the slow-motion legal process, maybe the approaching holidays and all the attendant unpleasant anniversaries that are associated therewith... all of the above? Other things?
Mostly, I am just so tired in so many ways.
Time to motivate... my flock needs me...
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Sweetheart, it just is as it is. Part of the process.
Extreme self care please. I mean extreme. Look after you as you are a precious and wonderful gift.
I enjoy your posts as they are honest and sometimes raw like a new grazed flesh wound.
I get it too, your Wassock is a runaway wayward, brazenly ashamed of facing his idiocy and weakness. There are some parallels to the Giggalo. In that we are alike, facing an empty space. It has its benefits later when you decide NC is the most important choice for you.
There is a song in South Pacific that I love with a line that goes, gonna wash that man right outa my hair and send him on his way.
Amazing lady, big hugs
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Let him go, let him tarry Let him sink or let him swim He does not care for me and I don't care for him He can go and find another, who I hope he will enjoy For I'm going to marry a far nicer boy!
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
My first family holiday (I've avoided all the other ones since he left) without STBXH, and it was good. There was that awkward moment when one of my uncles asked as a way of making friendly conversation, "So, where's your other half?" I just sat there for a couple beats before simply saying "I don't have one of those anymore." My uncle just didn't know. He asked if I was divorced now and I said that it was in process. I felt bad for him because I could see that he felt badly, and said that he was sorry to hear it. Other than that, STBXH didn't come up at all, and that was fine by me.
Most of the time these days I just feel a low grade discomfort, like there is something "off." It's not a longing or an ache anymore, so much as a sense of discontinuity in my life, a feeling that things have changed in a way not of my choosing and I am just going along with it because the current is too strong to swim against and it is all beyond my control.
And there is a tinge of sadness underlying everything, too. Today is a day that has always been about family for me, and I am reminded very strongly that mine is irreparably changed. Today, surrounded by so many family members of all ages, I was reminded of what I gave up for choosing STBXH. I don't have any children, nor will I have grandchildren of my own, and I don't have him, either. Every once in a while that realization creeps up on me and knocks me for a loop.
Sometimes journaling brings emotions that I have been stuffing down welling back up to the surface, and this entry is no exception. My sadness has spiked as I've been writing. Time to move on to more amusing topics...
Farm update: My flock of birdies have been stepping up their production, and I have been collecting 7-8 eggs a day again. The older birds are starting to lay after their annual molt/laying vacation, and their eggs are pretty huge. The young girls are starting to produce eggs more regularly, though they are often quite small and adorable. I have been able to keep up with demand at my roadside egg box again, and am selling a dozen every 2-3 days. Good girls! It's not at all lucrative, but it's satisfying to know that my girls are feeding other families.
I haven't gotten anywhere on their outdoor run since our little blizzard event. I'm waiting for the snow to melt so I can get back to work again. Time is running very short. I wish I hadn't procrastinated so badly, but that blah feeling I get can be hard to shake, and I was deep in its thrall last week.
I've tapered my AD meds again, and I'm now down to 20 mg of Prozac, half the dose I was taking over the summer. I haven't taken any Xanax in at least 6 weeks, and the previous dose was weeks before that, so that is distinct progress. On the other hand, is the AD tapering contributing to my lack of motivation, and underlying sadness? Who knows. Drugs or no drugs, I know I still have a lot to work through. I'll have to abandon the crutches eventually. I think I'll sit at 20 mg at least through the holidays, particularly given the fact that they will bring me a boat-load of reminders.
I hope that everyone is doing OK today. Holidays can be hard for a lot of reasons, and I hope that we all can reclaim the joy in these days.
Hugs to all.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
SH, where the heck have you been??? I've been missing you, too! Heading over to your place right now, though I suspect you, as a person with normal hours, are smart enough to be asleep already!
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
"Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts." Buddha
Well, that's the truth.
SH, it's time for tea and conversation. I've been missing you, and am glad to see you again.
It's been such a long journey that we've been on, and, certainly, I still have a long way to go, but in many ways I know that I have changed so very much over the past 11+ months. Maybe I haven't been spending nearly enough time with the Buddha's teachings, but I have gained some skills that lean in that direction. I'm not altogether sure when they showed up, as I think they have been building very gradually, but I am grateful.
I thought maybe I should write them down, as a bit of journaling, just so I can see how far I've come.
Most of the time I can recognize and allow myself to feel whatever emotions come along these days, knowing full well that they are normal and that they will also pass, and all the more easily if I allow them into, and then out of, my life. I can let myself feel without fear that I will lose myself to my emotions. Feeling are just feelings. They will pass.
I can control my thoughts so much better these days, and that is priceless beyond measure. If I notice that I am getting into a mental loop that promises nothing positive, I am getting quite good at shutting it down and letting myself move on to something better. I can direct myself down different thought paths if necessary, but I can generally clear my mind almost as well. I am able to be present in the moment most of the time, without stray thoughts meandering through to sabotage my enjoyment of the moment.
I have learned that forgiveness is a gift I give myself. STBXH need never know. Forgiveness is letting the past go so that it no longer has power over me. And I have also learned that I needed to forgive myself. I know that I was part of the problem, yet I also know that I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time. I was true, and I gave my love unreservedly. I stood, and chose to shine my light into the darkness, to be the lighthouse.
I've been though something incredibly painful and difficult, and yet I do not feel that I have been permanently damaged. It does not and will not define me. Lately I have been looking to my future and my dreams again. Maybe they will be different than I imagined them, once upon a time, but I am still myself, and my dreams are still my own.
Silver Heart, I looked over at FB for MR's thoughts, and I'm not altogether sure what to make of them. I don't see anyone as my enemy, not even my STBXWH. If anything, I pity him. I believe that he gave up something that was not perfect, but was genuinely good. He is not yet able to see that for himself because he is still so bound in his own anger and struggling with his own demons. I hope that someday he can tie the many threads of his own life back together again.
For myself, I will try to take care of my mind wisely, just as MR suggests. I think that I will take up the threads that surround me and weave myself a tapestry of friends and family, nature and farm.
Goodnight to everyone.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
I loved reading this and I feel much calm coming from you...
Quote:
Silver Heart, I looked over at FB for MR's thoughts, and I'm not altogether sure what to make of them. I don't see anyone as my enemy, not even my STBXWH. If anything, I pity him. I believe that he gave up something that was not perfect, but was genuinely good. He is not yet able to see that for himself because he is still so bound in his own anger and struggling with his own demons. I hope that someday he can tie the many threads of his own life back together again.
Phoebe, I want to challenge you to go back and review MR thought again... Look too the Buddha there... You may glean some additional wisdom and insight to the thought and what to make of it... I love the opportunity to have conversation and tea with you... it helps me to ponder on much...
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
