Well here's my situation. In April wife went to help friends move out of state. Came home said she needed space wasn't sure what she wanted. A few weeks later in May I caught her on the phone at 5 in the morning with OM who lives up north. Said she wasn't going to stop talking to him and after I called him and confronted the situation (he was sort of a friend of ours) she went underground using a text app. I was unaware and thought they stopped communication.
At the beginning of this month she texted me she was going out of town for Labor Day weekend with some girls from her new job. I became suspicious and found out that she had paid for a plane ticket and hotel room for them.
Confronted her again and we talked was shocked I found out and begged me not to come to the hotel room an hour away she still stayed the final night and came home on the 5th. When she came home she said we were over and that she was filing for divorce. It was a rough week and half with fighting and stuff. I have since backed way off because she has yet to file and says they haven't spoken in a couple of weeks. Which of course is something I find hard to believe. She says she will talk to me but hasn't as of yet and it's so hard not to confront her. She has been living in spare bedroom since April. Says GM and sometimes GN. Says hi when we are in the same room. Small talk from time to time. I just don't know why she hasn't came to me to talk about things. I'm not mind reading but I feel she is mulling things over knowing how well she actually has it with me even though we need to work hard at getting our marriage back together. Any advice will be welcomed. I have been reading the boards for weeks now. Thank you.
Last edited by Cadet; 09/27/1612:05 PM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Sober: I really feel for you. My W also started an EA while away. I suspected, confronted, snooped. I had to manipulate her to expose the truth. Then confronted the OM - he dropped her like a stone.
Keep you cool. I begged, pleaded, pursued and it did not help. Only after we were in house sep and I started to work on myself did she start to come around. But, she left as I got stronger and did not give in to her demands, etc.
So don't snoop - it hurts us more than them. At first we had an good arrangement for in house sep where we on a day and off a day. The idea was the other person stayed out of the way. I gave that up and we had a psuedo family life. In hindsight, I wish I had not. We should have had border in the house.
So work out, focus on family work and let her think you are moving on without her. Be a better actor than Brad Pitt, George Clooney, etc. I started catching up on house projects and it made her mad. She saw the changes and actually liked them. But, the anger inside her was devious, etc.
The bad news is - this will go on longer than you think and certainly than you want it to.
Act cool and removed - do everything different. It's a real shot in the arm. I even bought a motorcycle.
We are here with you.
P.S. Confronting the OM is a great tactic.
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
Confronting the OM isn't recommended. It may feel good in the short term, but it could backfire big time.
Do you have children?
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I have stopped Persuing her. I leave her alone while she hangs out in the spare bedroom. She rarely leaves it. I only say GM or GN if she does and I don't start any conversation with her. This morning she came out into the hall way as I was leaving and said have a nice day. I said you too. It just made me happy she made the small effort to say that.
Sober - tell us a bit more about yourself, your W and your family. Any kids? What are your ages? How long together?
Do you have your own problems? I couldn't help but notice the handle you are using.
How committed to divorce do you think she is? How committed to OM?
Are there any other issues such as a history of her talking down to you, depression, dis-satisfaction with her life, the marriage?
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Well my handle should be sobersapiens. Just something I made up.. But sober is all that fit. 😊 I'm 45 W is 48 we have no kids. She has had social anxiety since I've known her. We met 12 years ago married 11 this December. Not sure how committed she could be with OM he lives 1100 miles away. She said in May she wants a divorce and hasn't filed anything. She has talked down to me in front of others in the past and my sister said a few years ago she seems unhappy with herself. I always talk her up and want her to do the best and be the best she can be. We have had our fights like everyone else. I work a lot as well. I'm really at a loss because I've never seen her act this way.
She's the right age for peri-menopause which can trigger a whole lot of things as can the upcoming 50th birthday.
You may want to take Christy up on her offer - the people on the other end of that phone know a lot more than us amateur fellow sufferers who hang out here on the forum. Otherwise you may want to see what is available for you in terms of an IC - or do both.
It seems like you're generally doing the right thing by giving her space to work through her own issues. She's probably stewing in a boiling soup of hormones, depression and guilt.
How are you doing? Are you taking care of yourself? Are you working on being all that you can be? You'll need to be strong to make it through this - it may be a long hard road even though you've already been on it for a while. Keep posting and perhaps some others will chime in.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Update. This morning W actually sought me out in the master bedroom to tell me to have a good day. She hasn't done this in a very long long time. Not jumping but it's a start.
Please place no stock in the fact your W went to the MBR to speak to you. Don't place stock in the fact she hasn't filed for a divorce, either. Your MR is in serious trouble, and it cannot be fixed the way most H's want to fix relationship problems. Buying roses, sweet talking her, and having sex......won't patch it. If you'll stay with us, you will get support and tell what you can do.
Can you tell us about her growing up years? Did she suffer any type of abuse as a child, or experience some traumatic event that was life changing for her?
Has there ever been inappropriate contact with the opposite sex from either of you in the past?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Her growing up years seem to be fine. She wasn't abused as far as I know but she does have a history of socail anxiety but that's it. She was diagnosed with breast cancer a year ago and ended radiation in December. I am thankful she is going to be fine and was there for her all the way through it.
You may want to take Christy up on her offer - the people on the other end of that phone know a lot more than us amateur fellow sufferers who hang out here on the forum. Otherwise you may want to see what is available for you in terms of an IC - or do both.
Hello Dfresh,
Definitely don't read anything into the fact that she hasn't filed yet or sought you out to say GM.
Thanks for the vote of confidence AndrewP regarding the DB Telephone Coaching!
Many of your online friends will agree that Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best advice on how to save your marriage together. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Brief honest history. Married 11 ago. Wife has always sought refuge in spare room at times even during our dating year. Caught wife in a EA in May after a week vacation in April with friends to help them move.
Thought it would be good for us. Became physical in September caught her and well things are stagnant I have applied many of sandis rules and a lot of NC even though we live in the same home. There are days that things are working and days they are not. I read and read some more. She tells me the EA/PA is over but I will not believe it until she shows me.
She says she is comfortable at the moment being alone and I give her her space. She will seek me out to say she has made lunch for me and will occasionally cook dinner for both of us. But I have been very cautious on all accounts. Not sure what my next steps are but I'm doing very well in not talking about our marriage or relationship. Just focusing on me and my time.
She will seek me out at times to say have a good day before work etc. She wanted a divorce a month ago but no papers have crossed my path. Yes I'm in limbo but can deal with the long haul. I believe the fog is slowly lifting. But not 100% there yet. I want to be more active here but I work a lot. And don't have much time to post like others. Thank you.
Last edited by Cadet; 10/25/1609:30 PM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
Darkness. What I mean is sometimes when I'm in NC and giving her her space and not being around she will seek me out in the house to have a conversation. Like she missed me or something. That's all I meant by my statement. I know I have a long road ahead of me.
Thank you for all the replies I really appreciate them. I just get a little uncomfortable on boards like these. Trying to relax and learn.
I have a question. I'm not reading anything into it and it was all about her last Saturday during a cancer walk for the cure. However, she did introduce me to two of her co workers as her husband. I was a little taken back by that. Anyway after the walk some of the friends we were with were talking about going to a Halloween costume party at a local pub. If this comes up again should I go also? I'm just confused on that situation. Thank you.
"However, she did introduce me to two of her co workers as her husband. I was a little taken back by that."
Don't be. LBS's will tell you stories about how even after the D, their XW refers to them as their H.
"Anyway after the walk some of the friends we were with were talking about going to a Halloween costume party at a local pub. If this comes up again should I go also? I'm just confused on that situation. Thank you."
Do you want to go? If you do, then go. Don't base your decision on whether or not your W is going. Put it this way, did you always go to everything she wanted you to and vice versa?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Hey Dfresh, I'm an old timer and only came by today because an old friend passed. I read your post however and thought I would throw a brief response from a guy who has been where you are.
First of all relax and breathe, a lot!
Do you have friends and social activities ti keep you busy (Hobbies)? If not find them and start doing them. One mistake often made by people going through this is they forget that they have a life to live.
Regardless of how your situation turns out you have been given an opportunity to focus on yourself. Find those things that mean something to you and get involved in them. Many times our marriages define us and we forget to live for our own cause, instead we live to be married.
Your spouse will make her way through this on her own. Nothing you do or say to her about this will help because you are the big question that she has conflict with inside herself. She has to work through her issues in this manner because right now you are simply a reminder to her of her own failures and infidelity.
When a marriage hits a fork in the road or stumbling block like this it becomes a battle of conscience. For her it is about working through her actions and figuring out how she lost her way. For you it is about focusing on yourself and learning about forgiveness. We fight the hard fight to save our marriages and sometimes in the end do not have the ability to forgive what we thought we could.
Read, read, read. Post when you can. Focus on you and your life.
For god's sake do not look for reasons for her actions. I promise you will drive yourself nuts over analyzing them. Be polite, treat her with the respect that your wife deserves. Be a man of character who can look back at all of this no matter how it turns out and have respect for himself for always being in control.
Understand that marriages go through rough patches and sometimes one partner has to carry the torch for the relationship while the other struggles through their demons. In the end, whether your marriage is saved or not, she will know that her husband stood for her and tried as hard as he could to keep his promise.
Our own integrity and character are the only things we can control in your situation so stay focused and keep yourself busy.
Thank you this post Ian. I needed to read this today. I'll read it everyday. I messed up this morning and texted her if she wanted to spend some time together tonight. I know that was a mistake. I'm learning a lot.
Things got real last night with wife. Other man is out of the picture completely now. Still doing 180's and very little contact and sticking very close to sandis rules. She said "He's a lying piece of [censored]" and has told me she is awake now. I'm not putting all hope in this just yet. But that's where we are at the moment.
I need to learn to keep my mouth shut. I talk to much to her. Detaching is hard but I have to do it!!!
It's very hard, there's no sugar-coating it. I'm trying to detach, and, from the outside, it probably looks like I'm detached, but inside, I know I'm not.
I think about my W a lot, I want to know where she is at all times, but I know I can't. I don't ask her anything, and I don't tell her anything, but, inside I'm a mess.
I'm just hoping my inside feelings match my outward appearance, because it is so damn hard.
Keep fighting brother, we're pulling for you.
M 40 W 40 S 2.5 Together 13 years Married 11 years BD: 09/23/16 PA, then long Distance EA confirmed 9/30/16 Exposed A to OM's W 10/7/16 A ended 10/10/16
And pulling for you brother. I agree. I'm a mess inside too. I give her her space and then mess it up by texting or talking to her. We live in separate rooms and I know the A is over but being the best person while I get the silent treatment is the worst part. I'm hoping improvements start to be noticed at some point. Keep up the good fight nutts. Thanks for the reply.
Hang in there Dfresh. Keep in mind if what she says is true she just ended it with OM. She isn't going to jump right back into a R with you now. She still needs time to get him out of her system only then will she be able to see the great catch you are becoming. Follow Sandis rules. For the last week I have stayed off of all social media and have t snooped once. Guess what? Best week I've had in 5 months. On top of that she has been texting and having regular convos with me everyday where only 2 weeks ago we wouldn't speak at all. We are also in seperate rooms but it is a process that can't be rushed. The good news is you have even more time for you to GAL and become the Man U want to be.
Me:42 W:37 M:18 T:23 3S: 4,7,10 EA 6/16 ILYBNILWY 7/16 9/16 separate BR 10/16 Discernment Counseling She's moving out 1/17
I agree billyho. Thank you. She agreed to let me have her phone passcode and I haven't looked through it and I don't plan on it like you. Yes. It's been since she had apparently texted or talked to him because he was lying to her about who he was and it was confirmed by friends of his and ours who have known him along time that most every story he fooled her with was a lie. I know not to believe everything they say and it's all on actions. I do have to back away and gal for sure. Thanks for the reply.
Hey Dfresh, I want you to keep in mind that she still had an affair. Meaning that no matter what happens there is a lot of work to be done if your marriage is to be saved. Just because she and OM are on the outs does not mean that the work doesn't need to be done. It actually means there is more to it now. One thing you do not want to establish with her is that it is okay to do what she did and that you will be right there waiting when she ends it. DB is about correcting what led to the EA/PA as much as it is about dealing with the hurt. You have to figure out how come your marriage allowed for such behavior and why it was even a thought to be unfaithful.
For now, focus on yourself and finding your center. Again, get back to who you were and what makes you tick. In the end you will either be a better man on your own, or a better man in a marriage because you have gotten yourself better/healthier.
Ian thanks for the post. Yes there is a lot of work to be done not only with me but are whole relationship. The dynamics have changed and changed a lot. She said this morning that I need to be working on me and that there is a lot of work that needs to be done but she needs to see change in me. It's like she is a natural at this or she's been doing some reading of her own. I won't just sweep this under the rug. When we get to a point of sincerity and reconnecting, if she chooses that to happen counseling will be on the table. But for right now I'm giving her space and focusing on me and what makes me happy. Thanks again.
