Try Not to Think Too Far Ahead

[Kyh]

Link to my previous thread.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2668908#Post2668908

And the one before.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2633987#Post2633987

I took my thread title from Job's advice in another thread I read as I keep reminding myself of it.

I will apologize in advance for the long and rambling post of the misc. things coming back to mind. I'm sure with little sleep I've forgotten half of what I was going to post. I'm also trying to catch up on the other threads here but am way behind.

Everything has been so chaotic I'm almost not sure where I left off. S is doing okay, we got out of the hospital Friday afternoon. I wish I could say he is 100% but we have a long way to go. W and I took him to a follow up yesterday and the Dr. (not his normal pediatrician) was puzzled. He has a back problem now (we actually noticed it before we left the hospital but it isn't getting better), he can't stand straight and looks so frail. He had us set up another appt. at the Children's Hospital later this week.

I'm so thankful he is okay, it's so scary that I could have lost a child. I feel terrible this happened (W keeps telling me not be hard on myself) and am very upset at the Dr. at an urgent care place I took him to a couple weeks ago. He treated me like I was stupid for brining my kid in with the flu and checked him out with a 10 ft. pole because he was afraid of getting sick. It was ridiculous. In hindsight I can see the nurses were concerned but I heard him tell them in the hall that his breathing was just from a fever. His bedside manner was awful. I'm going to file a formal complaint.

I spent a lot of time w/W the last week and a half and it was a lot to take in. We spent 8 days in the hospital and she stayed here 5 days and left this afternoon to go pack up her apartment. We stayed in S's room the whole time we were in the hospital as we were both too concerned to leave and also worked together (fantastically I might add) and took turns taking care of him. The first night she was going to sleep on the floor in the hospital room . She asked the nurse about it and he looked at her like she was crazy, then she changed her mind. We slept tops and tails while we were there and she's been sleeping on the couch at my house.

It went pretty well except for a few instances. Both our parents came to visit and they were all in the room together. They aren't fond of each other and everyone is nuts. I always thought this was a reason W and I got along so well; we never judged each other's families and understood each other. It's insane this is about our kid and we had to worry about this. This is only the third time they've been together. W and I talked about it before/after and thankfully it went okay. We were on the same team and stuck together. MIL always has to have drama and W nipped it in the bud. Wasn't really even an issue just awkward.

Later was after a cousin of mine stopped. W has still been in contact with her through our separation. W left to get us something to eat when she left and they left together. IDK what all she said but W came back a long time later and was acting totally different to me, we had been getting along great. She even took off my socks she was borrowing and gave them to me. To go to bed she wrapped herself up in another sheet and slept hanging on the edge. I asked what was going on and she said my cousin told her about another cousin's w asking her how I got primary custody. She was mad at me and said I was talking to people and didn't explain it right and how it wasn't the case (it actually is) and made her look bad (maybe it's a good sign she cares?). I tried to smooth it over, telling her I hadn't said much to anyone (which I haven't) and they probably didn't understand our state's laws and how they won't assign shared custody unless agreed upon by both parties. Never mind she was ready to take them and move in w/OM giving me only every other weekend just a few weeks ago. At one point I did tell her that leaving OM part out. She denied it though. Then she got mad and said I guess I know who's been talking bad about me then, referring to my parents and made a bunch of legitimate complaints about them. With everything going on it got dropped and we moved on. Then the next day my parents did a good one. W and I had arranged for D to stay with a friend for part of the week and my parents to take her later in the week. They called and rearranged our plans after I told them it was taken care of. This affirmed W's complaints and set me back in my DBing efforts. Their actions have not benefited my marriage when things were good and are certainly not helping now. I had to call and get everything back to how it was and let them know they can't do that to us. At one point she said how glad she was she didn't have to deal with their crap anymore. Very frustrating, I'm DBing and other people are messing it up for me. I did address it though which I didn't used to do or do a good job at. Hopefully she can see that.

Overall, W and I worked/are working very well together and have been getting along great. We're starting to talk more, not just about kids and business, but laughing, joking etc. I enjoyed her company for the first time in nearly a year. I no longer dread her incoming calls or texts. In the hospital there were a few times when she would stand close enough to me to touch arms then she would distance a little. It seemed like it in other ways (conversation, our time together, etc.) too. One time she accidentally called me babe then played it off saying baby, baby, baby to S.

In the few days she spent here things have generally been good too. We've had some time where we just talk. Last night she signed us all up for a corgi meet up next month we saw in a magazine. IDK what to think of this but two times she asked me to pop her back. Both times I ended up giving her 45 min to hour massages that she really enjoyed. Maybe physical touch is one of her LLs (I wish I would have read that a long time ago) but that is hard to implement during MLC. IDK, I used to give her massages almost daily.

I have noticed she will throw out little things about finding her own place, etc. Maybe to make sure I don't have any hope. IDK but I don't pay it any attention and keep acting the same.

I have some mixed up feelings right now. At times it was like we were just hanging out again,. This week we watched an entire season of a new show together (actually enjoying it together, not just watching tv and would stay up for a little while talking afterwards. It was nice spending time with her. I accidentally called her hun once but pretended like it didn't happen. When I massaged her (which I actually find relaxing I even did her arms, hands, face, head, etc. like I used to and she enjoyed it, a few weeks ago I had cooties. Although I enjoyed being with her, there were some other times where I had some resentment or indifferent feelings (e.g. one night I didn't want to sleep by her or I might think about her A and think I deserved better, or how much effort I was putting out but not getting anything back, how I just don't want to be her friend, how crazy she looked shaking her fist in traffic, etc.) but I found it melted away if I let it go and forgot about it. We've worked so well together the last couple weeks it's strange that were separated.

She's supposed to come back Thursday and maybe be here over the weekend and then next week at least a two days while I have to go out of town. It will be interesting to see if she stays here or at her friends when I am in town.

Trying not to think too far ahead and keep my expectations low but it's difficult.

[Lifes Twists]

Hi KYH,

From my personal experience you need to shut expectations off completely. Enjoy the time you have together and dont push on anything. You need to give her the room to take the lead on what she is willing to do at this point. I am always told by others to just wait and I will know when it is time to initiate things. You will too. You will find yourself itchy to move things along, dont. Time is your friend here, just sit back and relax and enjoy the time with her. I believe it will pay big time in the future.

[Bee29]

Hi Kyh,

I'm happy to see some news from you. Let's hope the back issue of your s is nothing serious and he'll be 100% soon.

I second LT's advice. From my very recent experience when H was there for me during my eye problems and last week spending hours in a hospital with me, driving me around, coming home everyday etc., we talked a lot and I felt comfortable around him again only to arrive to the end of the week and he is back to his MLC self. Weird discussion not leading to anything, insensitive behavior towards kids... I was doing fine before, now it's harder to take after all those good moments we spent together.

So, I can only repeat what LT said - 0 expectations and just enjoy time together without having your hopes up.

[Kyh]

Thanks LT and Bee.

LT, I just got caught up on your thread last night, seems like there are lots of similarities as of late.

W came back today and we took S to his appt. It went pretty well, he has got quite a bit better the last few days but is probably going to have to start physical therapy.


Not much change, she did ask to move some of her stuff to the basement for a little while. I told her it was okay trying to be a supportive friend. The day w/W went pretty well again but when I sit back and observe I can really see her anger and frustration (especially while driving) but mixed w/some of her old self. We did have some good laughs today, it was nice. I'm listening to the advice above and taking things day to day.

[Lifes Twists]

Like they say, this is a marathon. It won't be over quickly, its gonna get painful at times, you may want to quit. The choice is always up to you to power on through, dealing with the pain when it comes, and letting go of it to continue on.

[job]

How is your son doing? Have the doctors said what's going on w/him, i.e., back issue? I do hope he's feeling better soon.

[Kyh]

Thanks LT and Job.

S is doing good, he's got a lot better this week. We even did a short bike ride today and I took the kids to their first hockey game tonight. The doctors aren't quite sure what's going on, they think he is maybe compensating for pain and/or it is due to trama from the pneumonia/surgery but weren't as concerned as earlier this week since he's got a lot better. They did recommend we talk to his pediatrician about physical therapy to make sure it wasn't scoliosis and to see he returns to normal. I know he wasn't like that before though, I had just looked his back over before he got sick because I thought he had a vertebrae out between his shoulders. His pneumonia is a lot better, they said his affected lung sounds much better! Hopefully we are on our way to full recovery.

Yesterday when I was picking him up from school one of his friend 's mom asked if the kids would like to play awhile. He played with two friends and D and he seemed a lot better. I think being active with other kids really helps.

[Kyh]

Another update/journaling.

S is doing well, his back is much better. Both kids seem to be doing well but have been all over me lately. Literally hanging on me sometimes, coming up and rubbing my back, getting in my face, and sleeping with me a lot again. I feel bad they've occasionally made comments such as "I wish mom was here", etc. but haven't mentioned it to W. Making sure to give them lots of attention which is a lot of why I haven't posted in awhile.

W moved a bunch of stuff into the basement and garage last week. IDK if it was a good move on my part but as I said I'm trying to be a friend. I also gave her some money until she gets paid at her new job. IDK want her to think I'm trying to be controlling but she was complaining about spending all her money to move back so... I had to go out of town one night and I didn't want her to have no money watching the kids.

W has been coming over in the morning and taking the kids to school after I get them ready and coming over after she gets done with work, staying until after dinner but not putting them to bed. Last week she seemed to be nice and friendly when coming over but she seems to be distancing a little again.

Last week W started a new job. I have been very encouraging and supportive. I think it is really good for her to get away from the people at her old job (goes without saying for OM) but everyone else as well. I've been telling her she was too good for her old job. An old coworker told her that her old boss said she'd be back within the year. Ha ha, he doesn't know her too well, she's definitely done now.

I ended up giving her another massage last week and we seemed to be getting along well. She texted me that night and thanked me. Friday we all went out to a nice dinner (w wasn't on her phone at all!) and she invited me to bring the kids by her new work the next day. I took her lunch and brought the kids out. She thanked me for lunch, seeming genuinely surprised and happy for it, and came by that night but left kind of abruptly. Her texts also almost stopped since then. The day before we texted 25-30 times, but since just a few.

Sunday she took the kids to a birthday party in the afternoon and back over in the evening. It was kind of weird when she came back she said "I got a number from a fireman" pulling it from her pocket, then said "he told me they do birthday parties at the station" then said he was there with his wife and kids. IDK why she told me like that but I realized how much I haven't detached, for a couple seconds it felt like a punch in the gut, then I had to stop those terrible thoughts. Later that night she made a comment and laughed, "you should have seen your face when I told you I got a number from a fireman..." WTH. She also mentioned the day before she got asked out. Is she doing this on purpose to make me feel bad?

Sunday evening we went out to have ice cream as I felt bad I forgot to send gluten-free treats with S to the party and he couldn't have hardly anything. While we were having ice cream a college friend I haven't seen in 12 years came in. He talked to us for quite a while. He is divorced and has his S every other week. He started saying how lucky he was to get every other week, how the system was messed up in our state, how much his S meant to him, etc. I could see W get really uncomfortable.

She came over just before I needed to leave for work today and again after. I talked to her about her day, but she didn't stick around long and was on her phone a quite a bit. I've kept consistent and caring but I can see something changed in the way she's acting again. Beating a dead horse but I think her extra time with her MLC friend is having an effect on her again. I can see all of W's solutions are external band aids (constantly talking about making lots of money, vacations, new car, etc. - funny because we could have all of those things working together) and her friend going around to concerts, buying crazy expensive meet and greet ticket$ for a few minutes with someone who probably cares less, and getting tattoos every other week isn't helping. She is depressed, no kids, etc. and that is how she lives and W is paling around like they're 15. She gave W a self help book...for zombies. Ugh.. I wanted to ask her to take her MLC serious but kept my mouth shut.

Our anniversary is this week. I bought a blank card as I couldn't find anything for the MLCer. Taking a cue from reading other threads I was going to tell her thank you for the memories, etc. but I'm still not sure if I will give it to her or not.

[Kyh]

I forgot to mention anything about myself. I'm trying to focus and my kids and myself. I'm hoping to get up into the mountains for a fall hike while the leaves are turning. I'm making the kids go bike riding with me since S is getting better making sure to get us moving. I've also been listening to a lot of audio books at work. I've been trying to get a better mix other than just marriage/relationship books which I've been focusing on for months.

[job]

Kyh,

I like our GAL activities. The fall time of the year is the prettiest painting that Mother Nature does. I think you will enjoy the hike as well as the peacefulness of it all. Be sure to take photos of the beautiful surroundings. I also like the idea of having the kids go bike riding. It's good exercise and a fun way to do so.

Keep up the good work. You are doing great and I enjoy reading about your activities w/your children.