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lostasf Offline OP
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Obviously I was super angry yesterday and made my comments in haste. Unfortunately, now I am back to reality. I have no darn clue what I want. I know I need to detach, I know I need to GAL, I just don't know how the heck to get myself motivated to do so. I can't stop consuming myself with what is going on. I went to the gym last night, hoping that would help...unfortunately all I did was think about the sitch and watch time go by as I "worked out". I just can't get out of the fog that I am in.

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lost,

Did you speak with her when she got home? If so, what was said?

Is she still in MBR, Home?

Glad to hear you went to the gym, it takes time but you will come out of the fog you are in. Just keeping yourself occupied helps, it will get easier, just give yourself time.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 567
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LiM Offline
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This stuff is HARD man. Its tuff but it is workable. You've got to stop the chaos and give yourself some time to take a break to figure all this out. That is going to be next to impossible to do if she's lying in bed next to you texting OM. You need to get her out of your bedroom if not out of the house all together. Then you've got to start doing things to keep you busy.
The day after I discovered my W's A, I stood in the parking lot of a movie theater, on the verge of tears as I texted my best friend to see if I could come to town and visit him. I had not confronted my W about the A yet. I did not sleep at all the night before. I was exhausted and miserable but I made myself get out of the house. And I kept doing it day after day. Sometimes, I felt like I was having to take life 1 hour at a time because any more than that was not tolerable. Break it down into whatever increments you can handle. If you need to go walk laps in the parking lot at work, then that's what you do. that's what I had to do.
GAL will not magically erase the pain. But it will be far less than if you just sit around and dwell on it.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
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lostasf Offline OP
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We did speak about it when she got home. It mostly led us into a conversation about where our relationship is going. She is 90% sure she wants a divorce, but doesn't know why she can't "say the words" to me. Obviously this is disheartening to me. She did sleep in the MBR last night, but neither of us were on our phones. We just discussed until we were so exhausted that we fell asleep. Now, today is a different story. I am no longer empowered as I was yesterday; and she is no longer open/emotional as she was yesterday. She has returned to her cold/bitter self. Today has just been more talking in circles with each other and her demanding that we have a clear path TODAY! Divorce or work on it. She is going to check out an Extended Stay hotel here in just a few minutes and expects to be able to move in there tomorrow if all goes well. I actually am on board with this as the tension is just unbearable right now.

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The motivation for GAL is because it is the best chance you have to save yourself and possibly your marriage. And I mean more than just working out. Sure, that helps. But I'm talking about going and regaining your confidence. Do something new. Meet new people. Just DO IT. I promise it's the best thing you'll do.

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She is conflicted. That is why she is so wishy washy. That is a good thing.
To be clear, there is NO "working on it" while she is still having an A. Until then, nothing that you do matters.
I would encourage you to get her out of the house. Let her move into the hotel. This will allow you some piece and the time/space to work on YOU.
She will be miserable when she moves out. Let her be. Dont concern yourself with her. This is time for you to regain a sense of balance and calm in your life. You need this to figure out how you want to move forward with the rest of your life. You don't need to file for D right now. What you need right now is time to let things settle down.
Detach, 180 and GAL.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 128
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lostasf Offline OP
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Well, it went from checking out an extended stay to sign up for a couple weeks to now she is going on her lunch break to sign a 6 month lease at an apartment. I am absolutely devastated, even though I know I should be relieved. I just feel like I don't know how I will make it seeing her leave...or coming home and her not being there even with as much tension as there has been lately.

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lost,

You need to try and keep a positive mental attitude. You will no longer need to deal with her disrespect straight to your face, you will have time to find yourself and become the man you want to be. I told you on your first page, this is a long ride and she HAS to go through her journey and that you HAVE to go through yours.

Her moving out will allow you to come home without worrying about what her attitude is going to be, it will allow you to be in bed without wondering who she is texting.. Keep the positives in mind, find a positive mental attitude.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 128
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lostasf Offline OP
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Even just yesterday she was only gone for about 5 hours, and I found myself basically just thinking about when she would be home. I mean I couldn't bring myself to do much of anything except think about when she would be home. Then I couldn't help thinking about the fact that in just a few short days, she won't be coming home. I am just absolutely devastated. I don't know how the heck to pull myself out of it. I appreciate you mentioning the positives, but I just can't stop feeling this way.

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Hey Lost,

This is hard. I know how bad it feels.
But truth be told, her going away for 2 weeks to a hotel was not going to fix anything. This is a LONG road. Accept that she is gone. Accept that the M you knew is over and move on. Seek out and find peace. Sounds like you have some codependency issues. That's ok. Get a book and read on that. Spend this time finding out who you really are? Find yourself so that you aren't Lost anymore.
6 months isn't actually that long. That's much better than if she had signed a 1 year lease.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
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