Cherry, filing, moving. Gaining strength

[Surfer]

Cherry

"Despite my wh saying I haven't tried anything to change his mind, I think I have been working on this marriage and that they will see this."

Have you asked him what would change his mind if you tried to change his mind?

Surfer.

[Cherry]

Yeah I did ask him what it may look like. He said I would approach him more (i.e. Begging), throw myself at him. Yell and scream.

I don't honestly know if that would change anything. It's all absolutely against dbing. And it's not the kind of person I want to be at all. I don't want to beg and plead with someone who doesn't want to be with me

[Cherry]

Ugh I wrote a long post and my silly iPhone lost it!

Today has been a busy day at work, it does help my pma to be busy, but man does it drain my physical strength! Probably a little mix of fatigue, pains, and constant vomiting (I don't think many people keep mouthwash, toothbrush and toothpaste in their Chanel purse). I also didn't sleep to great last night, I had many dreams of wh. That kinda set the day with a little sadness that I do miss him.

When I saw wh today, he seemed a little edgy. At a guess, I think he was feeling a little hesitant to see me after yesterday and everything with the hospital. I flipped a 180 on him and was upbeat and friendly, he quickly changed and was the same. Thing is, this didn't even feel like an act, my expectations of him are somewhat low! I was having some laughs and jokes with him, and I saw more of the more loving look lighting up his eyes like he used to. I shall not read into it, it won't serve me any purpose. But it was an interesting observation, especially when recently he either avoided eye contact, and if their had been eye contact- he would be looking at me like he hated me. Still like I say, changes nothing, he is still filing and still moving out.

Hoping to have a more relaxing evening tonight so I can hopefully get a more rested sleep. Busy day again tomorrow

[Phoebe]

Hey there, Miss Cherry. I am so glad that your baby scare turned out OK. WH definitely earned no points with his response, however. That was definitely poor form.

Sorry to hear that the vomiting goes ever on and on, but look at you - carrying the necessary stuff in your Chanel! I'd be lucky if I could muster enough ambition to even CARRY the Chanel if I were feeling that way!

Great job on the PMA when you saw WH, buy the way. You are living your life now, and living well is the best revenge, as they say. I'm not big fan of revenge, but I am a big fan of living well. Yay for you! Keep your chin up and your Chanel at the ready. : )

As for him thinking you would ever be begging... I can't see a sassy woman like you ever doing such thing. No way, no how.

((((((((Cherry)))))))

[Cherry]

Thanks phoebe. I must admit in the early days I told him not to do it, but there was no begging. I don't do begging.

Thank you, I know what you mean. Nothing gets to a person more than seeing you hold things together when they thought you'd be in bits. I guess I'm at the show him what he's going to be missing.

I've kinda got used to the vomiting, with S it stayed until the day I delivered! But I'm trying to eat as well as I can, even if it comes back. They assure me that baby gets the nutrients needed first. And that lovely scan showed me that baby is growing nicely, so what more could I want. It was exceptionally poor form really, but I already knew I couldn't rely upon him, but the lack of caring about baby did get to me a bit. The children are separate to me, and we should put them first regardless. My Chanel bags are my investment pieces, they only grow in value.

Got a busy day ahead of me at work today. It's never a good start to a day when you start off tired and wanting to go back to bed. Still onwards and upwards. It keeps my mind busy, and I must admit yesterday and today I've had that sad feeling that he is moving and this is now happening for real.

[Surfer]

Agggh.

Just did the same iPhone thing....

I will rewrite but briefer as I need to get in the pool!

Begging not etc. Would be an act. You would be faking it once past that 'begging' stage. It's a power trip thing for him due to his insecurities. He needs to work on his insecurities. It's not about you.

My W said I needed to be 'there' - she really meant to show I understand (through validation and a lot of it). I always listened, okay at times I might not have been soooo interested I am a normal man After all. Extreme validation was not and is not my thing if I am honest. I obviously do a lot of it now but it's acting as if really. Again, this boils down to W's insecurities - surrounds herself with 'yes men' drops people who don't agree with her. Something she needs to work on her insecurities. In the same way I need to work on listening.

I think there is sometimes a further thing. It's a basic unhappiness with their lot. Whatever that is. My W used to describe her concerns as 'this' or 'it'. She meant her experience in the M. Every day the same, kids, food, washing, shopping, bed rinse and repeat. I think she felt trapped. She used to say this towards the end. I wonder how life will feel when it's the same with less money? Less time with the kids. When she is doing it all herself. I sometimes see the house a real mess when I pick the kids up - I know she is starting to struggle with that, not always, every now and then. Having said that, I think she would rather self combust than admit she may be wrong with her decision to leave. She might even be right of course. Who knows - or cares frankly?

Hope your day goes well today.

Just thoughts.

Surfer.

[Coly23]

Oh Cherry, is that what he wants his wife to do, beg and plead! Surely that's not the woman he fell in love with! I'm glad you are standing your ground. This is when the DB principles really come into their own.

If he was really unsure of D then maybe he should put it on hold and move out to give you both a little space and time to think?

Glad your little chick is doing well. I don't think I have ever touched a Chanel handbag.... :0)

[maybs]

Glad your little one is doing well.

I wish I had a Chanel bag to carry my toothbrush in even if that meant morning sickness.

I 100% agree with Surfer, him wanting you to beg is just his insecurities coming out. If you were to beg he would tell you he wanted something different. He just wants you to want him, IMO.

I also agree with the basic unhappiness piece of his post. My W thinks that by leaving all of her problems will be solved and even now still tries to blame some things on me, but that's just her and her problems that she needs to deal with on her own. she's already feeling the strain of losing half her income, she's had to get a second job and now goes weeks without a day off. I want to feel bad and at the same time I feel like she did it to herself.

Hang in there.

[Cherry]

Thanks surfer, I hadn't thought about it from that point of view, but that does actually make a lot of sense to me. He is deeply insecure, he told me of his need to feel loved and mistaking lust/limerance with love. I guess it is a bit of a power thing, making him feel wanted and loves. I think this is what my wh needs- constant fuss and attention. The validation and listening skills is something I've really worked on as he always said I didnt listen. I guess like you say, they want a yes man. And I guess that's where the ap comes in, they'll yes until the cows come home, and give the "you deserve more than they", until the bubble bursts, and true colours come out. Still this is his journey and his lessons to learn.


My wh often refers to the m as "this" or "the situation ". I guess like you say,, family life does become a little bit predictable, but it's nice. I do wonder how he will feel running a home (I always did everything, cooking, cleaning, shopping, washing). And I couldn't imagine not putting my S to bed every night. Yes having a toddler run riot every day can be tough at times, but I wouldn't want it any other way. For me, our house only really became a home when we brought him back from the hosp. And wh agreed, it became a proper family home.

Coly, I said that to him to really think about if it's what he wanted. One day he told me of his doubts, and asked me if this is why people say the first few years of m is tough. We had a big long conversation about how you adapt to one another, and the changes when you start a family. He said he was no longer sure of if this what what he wanted. A few days later, he made out that convo never happened. This is exactly why dbing advises not believing a word they say! So now he shall run full speed ahead. And all I can do is sit by and let it happen. Refuse to hop on the crazy train. And I would gladly let you take my purse for a spin! It sounds shallow, but as a teen, I looked at them and wanted one so badly, that I decided I would bust a guy a university do I could get on a grad scheme and buy myself one. And I did it, even whilst having chemotherapy I would work on my assignments on my laptop, and I achieved a first class honours deggree. When I put my mind to something, I won't stop until I achieve it. I guess this is partly the reason I feel like a failure that my m has failed and there's nothing I can do to save it.

Thinking of stopping off on my way home from work to get a quick tidy up of my eyebrows, I'm Latin, but with natural blonde hair and dark eyebrows, I'm not sure how that happens! H is supposed to look after S today, but even when I asked him about this he said "well I wouldn't rely on that" . Luckily I have a good mil who takes care of him. But I feel sad that S will miss out on this time! But again, out of my control.

[Cherry]

Thanks maybs, that's just it isn't it, we are the source of all of the problems in the world. I bet global warming and poverty is my fault too :P

I guess this is where we just sit back and let them realise that wherever they go and whatever they do, their problems are still there. Aside from a bit of peace in the house, I guess this is the silver lining in him moving. Not that it will probably make a difference, he is very stubborn, but you never know- the penny may well drop that the problem is not all to do with being here or me and our m.