Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
C
CaliGuy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
Previous Thread : http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...140#Post2663140

Ok ... 23 Threads later and here I am. Out of Nostalgia I did go back and read some tidbits of my first threads. Wow ... just 2 years ago seems like a lifetime and reading someone else's life TBH, I read some vet advice and it was not as clear then to me as it is now. A lot has changed for me .... the sitch is the same if not worse but I am in fact light years better.

Just a bit of history .. I will try to condense the last 3 years as best I can. My BD was actually around Sep13, I did not find this place till about Jul14. Took me a bit to realize it was not just a WAW but a full blown MLC that I suspect was triggered 2011-2012. I would bet dollars to donuts it was the incarceration of BIL3 for an act that actually made STBX deal with some childhood trauma (Most likely happened Nov when she was 14), this box was opened and shared a bit with me in late 2015/early 2016 but rather than deal with it I do believe she closed it up and ran back into replay. There have been a few touch and go's throughout ... the biggest one Mar15 that probably lasted will around Aug/Sep15. Same OM present throughout the crisis with multiple breakups. We have been separated since Nov13 with a brief 'back together' period from June15-Feb16 when I discovered a TM to OM. I moved out 10 days later and have been as dark as one can be sharing joint custody of our S9.

I continue to post here, not as frequent but in the hopes to continue to document this MLC thing as at this point its really like a science experiment. I have learned so much over the past 2 years, not only here and similar sights but also in just my own personal growth and development as I have addressed some bad behaviors I had developed over the years, and acknowledge one is never really done improving themselves if he is to truly live.

I was finally served D papers last weekend, I really was not that emotional over it. There was disappointment and dread leading up to the day I received the packet but once I opened it up and read it through its very much the same as the mediation paperwork I have filled out 4 times ... yes 4 times now. Only grief is I was served 1 day after my B-day but over the past few years that's just PAR for the course it seems. I figure D can not be as bad as the Limbo for the past 3 years have been, and I really would like to stop renting out a place and actually buy something sooner than later ... one can not do that with a MLC spouse who is all over the place.

My interactions with STBX have been seldom. She typically texts me concerning S with school and such, emails me concerning schedule which has been the hot-spot as of late. Last week she arranged to go out of town and wanted me to swap all sorts of days to which I couldn't/wouldn't So she had her lawyer call me and 'negotiate' the schedule. Turns out her out of town trip would have meant she only would have seen S 1 day for the entire week, I agreed to a change for that week in order to lock her down long term alternating weekends rather then split them up as W has been demanding the past month.

She did show up for S's baseball game, I caught her looking over at me a couple times and she looked back to her stressed out self. I still am amazed at how bad they really look but put on a show like they are the happiest they have been in their life.

Back in late May she did temp check ... texting me how she made a horrible mistake, wanted me to not be so 'Hard' talking about what her therapist had told her but 2 days later was back in the tunnel... I have learned over the past 3 years not to jump at these things any longer and just stay back and let her process it all on her own .... that fix it mentality has been suppressed through all this.

So as far as me, I am busy ... very busy with work, my sports, S's sports and just day to day stuff I do not even have time to date if I desired to do so. I think one day maybe things will settle down but TBH I am just trying to listen to what God wants me to do and walk that path the best I can. I go to church every Sunday and take S when I have him, listen to Christian radio constantly and have found it keeps me level and at peace. I have accepted STBW is still deep in crisis and just pray it does not effect S much and I do hope she finds happiness wherever/whenever that may be for her.

For whatever reason I do think she will come out of it, but I think the damage caused will be to much for her to face so she may just accept whatever her life might be ... time will tell on this, I will continue to life my life with an open door outlook regardless who may come in and out of it I will just take it day by day as I have been.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 73
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 73
Wow Caliguy! I only hope to have the endurance to continue dealing with this that you do. My thoughts go out to you and everyone else here. I am at the very, very beginning and it is encouraging to see that one can actually survive.

I had grown away from God before my H had his crisis, but have found that I am now praying daily. I have also started looking for a church home for my daughter and I. She is 13 and I am hoping it will help her.

Who knows what my future holds, but I am just hoping that I follow the path that is most beneficial for my d and I.


Me: 42
Him: 45
Daughter: 13
____________________________________
Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years
BD: 8/15/16
Moved out: 8/26/16
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 97
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 97
Hi Cali,

happy birthday! And sorry about the "present" that came the day after. But maybe it means new life starting with your "new year"?

I'm happy that you made this short overview of your story. I was missing some parts of it. Though I did try to read some of your threads over the last few months I admit I did not manage to read all of them...

Good luck with the legal stuff and I hope you will be able to buy a home for you very soon. I'm sure that having your own place will make you feel much better.


M: 41
H: 50
2S: 13 & 15
H moved out Feb 2016
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Cali,

Thank you for continuing to post. I know that the posters can learn so much from you, especially the ingredients to the STFU smoothies.

You've come a long way and you've done such a wonderful job of DBing along the way. It will take some time to heal from this, but in time, it will begin to fade just a wee bit.

I know you are a very busy man, but don't forget to stop and smell the roses every once in a while. Please come back whenever you have the chance.

Cali, we love you as a family would love a son/brother.

Take care.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 760
Likes: 1
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 760
Likes: 1
Hello Cali and happy belated!

I wanted to echo what others have said and want to thank you for sharing your journey. I know I personally learned a ton from your posts. You db'd alone and you gave it your all. Hopefully you can sit back from time to time and appreciate how far you've come.


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
Joined: Aug 2016
Posts: 133
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Aug 2016
Posts: 133
Hi Cali,

I just joined this site about a month ago but I want to read up on your story. 3 years is such a long time, it's been less than 2 months since my BD and some days I feel like I can't go on like this. Anyway thanks for posting and I am definitely going to check out your story.


M39, W36
T12, M10
S6,S2
Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
Happy birthday. I don't think I have ever posted to you, but I loved reading your advice when you posted to those in newcomers.

I particularly liked your traits tool. OK I realise you found it somewhere too, but I heard it first from you. I made the three lists and am slowly. V slowly..... making those changes. I will post about that soon on my threadbut wanted to thank you for the time you put into helping others here; kus being an inspiration in your own thread.

I wish you well.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Many happy belated returns Cali. I'm sorry to hear about the D papers and it wasn't great timing. I got notification they were on their way to me the day after our anniversary - and I was always glad it wasn't on the actual day (small blessings...)

I'll just say this - you are a champ, and reading your sitch helps illustrate how this unasked for journey becomes what you make of it. And you have made a lot of it and given a lot to others too. I truly think your W is daft to give you up - but there we are...

Take care my friend...and remember to keep being awesome xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
Belated birthday wishes Cali ... so glad you continue to post. I find hope for myself when reading how you are handling your sitch. xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
C
CaliGuy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
Originally Posted By: AmyTx
Wow Caliguy! I only hope to have the endurance to continue dealing with this that you do. My thoughts go out to you and everyone else here. I am at the very, very beginning and it is encouraging to see that one can actually survive.

I had grown away from God before my H had his crisis, but have found that I am now praying daily. I have also started looking for a church home for my daughter and I. She is 13 and I am hoping it will help her.

Who knows what my future holds, but I am just hoping that I follow the path that is most beneficial for my d and I.


When you find yourself on the ... well the better side of MLC I suppose... you really have no choice but to endure especially when children are involved. She will always be the mother of my child and I have finally arrived at a place I can look at our 25+ years together with a smile and know it was real and the love was definitely there.

I was not very religious prior to this, but like many things this was a big part of my growth and journey and as much as I would love to never have gone through this I understand its part of a bigger plan much larger than I will ever be.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard