Taking the unlurking plunge finally.

[Altair]

Hi Coly!
I should have been more clear. He texted and said he was free sometime to stop by. I said ok and he offered yesterday. As he was leaving he said he was free to go for a walk sometime.
I say this feels like MLC because, well, what the heck else is it?

[Coly23]

Mmm, interesting. Do you think MLC as in he might be peeping out of the tunnel?

I don't know much about MLC but I understand the cycle can last from 2-5 years. How did you leave it with him, are you going to wait until he initiates again? This is another thing that I struggle with DBng is the suggestion that anything you do like initiate contact is considered pursuing. I think it's a good idea to speak with your DB coach, it's all so confusing and uncertain!

[Rose888]

Well, he said when he moved out that he was confused and wanted to work o himself, right?

So, confusing behavior from someone who is confused is not unexpected. ;-)

How did it feel to talk to him? How did you feel about it after he left? How do you feel now? Do you want to go on a walk?

Depending on the answers to those questions, I would probably go on the walk. No R talk.

[Altair]

Hi Rose,
Thanks for stopping by.
How did it feel?
It feels very strange. He's not quite the person I once knew, the one who would joke around and make me laugh. I don't know if its depression or just he is uncomfortable around me. I feel constrained spending time with him. Although-
It was nice to see him, I felt calm. He's very unhappy with work, and complained about it quite a bit. That was irritating.
So I'm just GALing, doing my thing.

[Altair]

Coly,
DB says don't pursue, don't say yes to every single invite, but say yes to some. And keep them fun, light, and simple. So I am not pursuing, just doing my thing. My coach said the same thing- the MLC stuff can take a really long time to work out. I can totally see that.

I think I went through mine already.

[Coly23]

Oh boy, you have the patience of an angel, i dread to think what I would be like if this happened to me! I think that's what really worries me. I can imagine I would be asking him when he was coming home every few minutes!!

I don't want to jump the gun, however it does look like your H is taking some baby steps and I liked the fact that he came over to see you rather than meeting in a coffee shop. You are obviously doing something right!

When you say you already went through mlc, how long ago was that and were you married to your H at the time?

I feel a bit frustrated today. I haven't had any contact with H since last Wednesday and only saw him for a couple of minutes when he dropped D back on Friday. I know it's not been very long but today I really miss him. I stupidly got out a little box of various cards he bought me before we got married and read them which was really foolish of me because it caused me to sob my heart out before I went to work!

Have you always waited for H to contact you since your separation and what was the longest you have gone without any communication with him?

[Altair]

HI Coly,
Ha! Don't take out cards and read them! (I was going through paperwork and found our vows :(:(:(. Yep, read them. MISTAKE!)
As far as communicating, I'll initiate maybe once to every one of his 5 initiations. So not much. The longest I've gone has been 5 days. On average there's a small exchange once per week.

Let's see, MLC. I would say most of it was in my head, a bit of acting out with XH. It was just this period of realizing "this is as good as it gets". I'll have to mull over that a bit more. Running off to IC!
Hang in there Coly! Be patient!

[Altair]

Journaling.
We had lunch today. He's the unhappiest stranger. He said he is definitely in some sort of MLC and will not be happy unless he gets his career back on track. No R talk at lunch. Just "I can't handle any pressure right now. Please don't pressure me about anything." and on and on about how maybe we can work things out or not but he's so unhappy and it's all career-related. And I should focus on my career now too. Regretting mistakes he made in this career move. Therapy feels pointless.
Is this a good point to go dark? Or am I just a friend? I hate when he tells me to focus on my career. I didn't say anything though. This is NOT the person I married!!! This depression in him, I think, is so deep and overwhelming -- I don't even know how to deal with this at all. Part of me wants to stick around and be there for him, another part says look, he left you. And when he sees you he can only tell you how unhappy he is. This isn't good. Still no evidence of an OW.

[Coly23]

Hi Altair, I'm not certain that you should go dark at the moment. IMHO he is starting to open up to you and show his vulnerability so if you pull away from him now he might not feel safe to tell you how he feels.

Again I might be completely wrong so if any of the vets want to chime in i would be net rested to know as well.

What is it that is causing him so much stress at work and is it this work stress that caused him to leave? Is it worth staying in a job that makes you so misrerable but walking out of a marriage that could provide the support, love and security he needs right now? The mind boggles....

[doodler]

Altair,

I agree with Coly23, maybe going dark isn't the best approach.

I remember an NPR interview with someone famous (I've forgotten who it was) and he said, "You know, I've had cancer and I've been through deep depression and dealing with the cancer was a walk in the park compared to my depression." It seems like so many depressed people resist treatment and I don't understand that. I guess the pharmaceutical companies need to come out with a depression suppository so you can just shove the pill up their @ss and make them swallow.