Hey Blu, sorry you are having such a tough time in your R at the moment. I cant imagine the turmoil you are going through trying to make sense of everything.
It makes me sad because you have been so giving of your support on this board and you have given so many of us hope that reconciliation can happen but I am also grateful that you are honest about how hard reconciliation can be. I think there is a danger of thinking that if our WAS/S's come back to us that the majority of the work would have been done however I have read a great many posts on the 'Piecing our Marriage Together' board and it scares me to death.
You know that the OW is a skank, she has nothing on you. Your H chose to come back to you even though you didn't really DB very well! Maybe you give her too much space in your thoughts. She doesn't deserve it!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
BluWave -- my apologies if I've missed it, but are the two of you in MC? I would think that could be very helpful in your situation if you could find a really good one who specializes in helping heal As. Hang in there!
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Coly, haha, skank, that had me, lol. I honestly pity her, she has no moral compass and is thus unable to have and hold authentic Rs in her life.
So what I have not mentioned is that OW was a "friend" for several years. We had a circle of friends and our children were a group of buddies. We all spent entirely too much time together. She pursued a friendship with H my outside of the circle and manipulated a LOT of time together with him. All the while picking up my kids and smiling in my face.
I don't think about her or focus on her. She is nothing to me. What is hard to accept is that he let this happen. And that he was so weak and selfish. Even though he has made many changes, has significant regret and remorse, I still do not respect him as I want to respect a person that I am married to.
JRuss, we were in MC for a year and we decided to take a step back and focus more on ourselves. She was great and right on the money. I found myself going in the same circles and it kept me in a negative loop. I do think a large part of piecing is time. How much time, well I have no idea!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Just dropping by to give ya big virtual hug and thank you again for all that you have shared and the sincere compassion that you have shared with me. You BluWave, are one special lady that has gone through hell and back.....
Remember what process takes place to create a diamond....
BluWave, there is a crown out there that will need a diamond....
(((((BluWave)))))
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Ahhh, thank you, Solid Heart. I could say the exact same to you!
So, I am starting to realize that I have cast a bit of a dark cloud over DB land. Here I am 18 months into H being back, and I am still telling you that I have mixed feelings about H and my M. Perhaps it is easier to post about the negative? So here is some positive.
There are a few things I have been telling my H and asking for our entire relationship and M. Just little things that are important for me in a romantic R. These things are even more important now, as we have been overcoming the separation and the A. Some of these things are hard for H to do as it's not in his nature and out of his comfort zone. I have been telling him lately how important it is to me and I realize I now need that for this M to survive.
So this weekend he tried. It was slightly awkward and not perfect, but the principle that he made the effort is what counts. So we ended up having a nice date and evening together. No amazing fireworks, haha, but it was nice in that I felt more connection than I have felt lately. Do I feel more or less hopeful? Not really, just working on acceptance and living day by day.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I think once crises mode has ended we begin to rehash all the past sins and the resentment creeps in. It's hard to re-open your heart to someone who has been so harsh and careless. I find reading After the Affair was helpful. Though I do struggle with letting the psat remain there vs. rug sweeping.
I wanted to get your thoughts on this, BluWave. Do you think reconcilation is possible if the WS does not show remorse in a way you can accept? What if they refuse some of the "rules." (like my WH recently was alone with a female co-worker in a non-work environment and this triggered me, he feels this is me being controlling)
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Sandi pointed out something that was very important for me. I had forgiven my W for the A but I had not forgiven her for the betrayal. Its weird that they two were separate for me but I realized that I had become very angry and I was angry because of the betrayal and the deceit. I realized that I had to forgive her for that and so I did. I did it alone. I did not tell my W that I was forgiving her for that. I was alone in a hotel room on a business trip in prayer and I forgave my W for the betrayal. I said it out loud and I said it several times so that I knew I meant it. Doing that means that I have to let it go and no longer hold it against her.
So long as you are being reasonable in your "rules", the WS should comply. If they don't, then I don't feel that they are truly remorseful. And without that, I think the R will never fully recover. There is a book on Amazon about How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. It is short and very direct on what the WS should do to help you heal. If they aren't willing to do these things, then I'd worry about the future of the R.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
"Do you think reconcilation is possible if the WS does not show remorse in a way you can accept? What if they refuse some of the "rules." (like my WH recently was alone with a female co-worker in a non-work environment and this triggered me, he feels this is me being controlling)"
JMHO - but no I don't think it is possible under these circumstances. If someone isn't showing remorse, or willing to do 'whatever it takes' then it's a it of a non-starter I think.
It took some time for me to fundamentally realise that I didn't want to be in a R with someone who wants to 'browse' or have inappropriate contact with others outside of our R. That's not the kind of R I want to have or how I want to live.
So, when you ask 'is R possible' the fundamental Q is 'is it possible FOR ME' in those circumstances. I suspect the answer would be no.
The thing is, soonish after BD, we are so desperate to get things on track, we try and work with what isn't really possible. And actually, it takes two people being 'in' to really make this work - not one 'in' and one kind of 'halfish'
That's JMHO of course....and it may sound a little uncompromising...but that's where I came to over time.
Good luck with things Blu xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I think once crises mode has ended we begin to rehash all the past sins and the resentment creeps in. It's hard to re-open your heart to someone who has been so harsh and careless. I find reading After the Affair was helpful. Though I do struggle with letting the psat remain there vs. rug sweeping.
I wanted to get your thoughts on this, BluWave. Do you think reconcilation is possible if the WS does not show remorse in a way you can accept? What if they refuse some of the "rules." (like my WH recently was alone with a female co-worker in a non-work environment and this triggered me, he feels this is me being controlling)
I am going to think on this and come back to it. I often give advice based on my experience--because that is what I know--but I recognize my H is different than yours. Hmmmm ....
(((Sara)))
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I have been thinking about this today. I agree with LiM and Sotto. Piecing is extremely difficult, and it starts with both people being committed to the M. That commitment comes with some contingencies of doing whatever it takes to see if the M can be recovered before starting to build a new one. That only works if both parties can listen and learn to understand their spouses experience and perspective.
Admittedly I have struggled to see H's perspective at times--as much as I may logically understand how thing happens, I have not been able to accept all of this. However this is paramount for the one that had the A to do. It is even discussed in the book you mention. For your WH to enter piecing, he must be willing to understand how much he hurt you and to find true remorse. I think that must happen before you even begin to trust him. Now in terms of how long it should take him to get to that position, well that I don't know. I don't get the sense he is there yet, and I imagine there are many factors that affect how long it takes them to get there.
Think about it, if you never thought he would break your heart, and then he did--in the worst way possible--so now you know what he is capable of, why would you hand it over? My H has done everything to show complete transparency, regret, and remorse and I still ask myself this.
(((Sara)))
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
