Detachment and the end of limbo, sort of...too

[SH_]

My sweet Phoebe, is the busy schedule providing you with peace and joy?

[Painter]

Sounds like a really good day, Phoebe. A productive counseling session and fun time on the water are both such self-caring activities.

I bet you are all pushing to get as much as you can out of the last days of summer, I know we are here.

I hope you have a good night's sleep!

[Phoebe]

Hi there, Miss Painter! Thank you for checking in on me!

SH, I know that you are worried about me, but i do believe that my busy schedule is not only not harmful, but I think that it is good for me. Does it bring me peace and joy? Sometimes, sometimes not so much, but do I feel like i"m getting better over time and feeling more like myself again, able to laugh and enjoy my days again? Very much so.

I'm enjoying meeting new people, I have quality time with my family and friends, I've spent many gorgeous evenings out on boats or riding my bike, and I have been thoroughly enjoying the antics of my chickens and cats and some other critters.

I've had dinner and hiked with H-friend, talked birds and plants, musicians and writers, and even social issues. I've been able to share the joy of raising monarch caterpillars into stunning butterflies with her and her family, too.

I have two neighbors that drop by every so often for a few hours to catch up and share a beverage and enjoy the goofy antics of my birds. One of them stopped by today and I just so enjoy these drop-in visits. They're fun people that care about me and I them.

I spend plenty of time with my parents, including most of the day today which was spent with my father salvaging the metal roofing off of an old garage that we're going to demolish. A day spent working outside helping my family can't possibly be a bad one. After that, I had a couple hours today with my Mom, and we saw a movie together over the weekend, too.

I've gone to the fair and concerts, ice-skating and ethnic festivals with R-friend, talked tomatoes and heirloom apple grafting, relationships and travel. She may not be the easiest friend I have, but she is interesting and I appreciate her perspective.

I go to see my many doctors - every week to my therapist, and to my GP every few weeks to check in. They're wonderful. I have other docs that I see, too, including two dentists. Seeing them all is for my own benefit, even if a root canal isn't exactly joyful.

And then there is l-friend. Yes, I spend a lot of time with him, too. We bike and go to the symphony, he waterskis and I ride along in the boat, I've met his skiing friends and they are a great group. He and I eat dinner together multiple nights per week and I now cook in my own home again fairly often (whereas I didn't really cook anything beyond scrambled eggs for months after WH walked-away, if I even ate at all). We also go to fairs and festivals. Last night we were outside in the dark, having an absurd amount of fun playing with LED helicopter toys I bought at the fair a couple weeks ago. It felt so good to just be able to laugh, without any thoughts of the recent months' unpleasantries.

I still have time to care for my animals every day, and I still get time to work on my farm, though I do wish I had more hours in the day. (Who doesn't?)

So... am I busy? Absolutely. Too busy? I don't know, but is it harmful to be this busy? I don't think so.

I"ve made so much progress. I sleep in my own bed every night again, rather than sleeping in my parent's guest cabin, as I did for the first 7 or 8 months. I'm eating regularly without forcing myself anymore, and I've gained back a bunch of the weight I lost (and that is largely due to having other people to eat with). I've met lots of people and expanded my support network. I'm Ok to spend a whole day completely alone, but just as happy spending it with other people. I only find myself taking Xanax once every few weeks. I generally don't need any meds to sleep, and I no longer find myself thinking about WH all the time. I have much better things to think about.

I still carve out alone time to get some journaling done here, though I am not having as much luck keeping up with my friends here in DB land. Sleep remains a bit hit or miss since the legal escalation a few weeks ago, but I did get a full 8 hours last night and at a normal time, too - from 1 am to 9 am.

Nothing is perfect, but I'm as busy as I want to be, and I always have the option of just saying no if I want to spend some time alone. That's what I did this evening, and it's nice to just chill for a while.

[SH_]

My dear Phoebe!

So good to hear from you tonight.

You are GALing like a champ!!!

And as long as you are finding peace and joy in it, then you must continue on.

I apologize if I have come off as insinuating that your busy schedule would be harmful or bad for you.....
Not my intention.

I think I ask because of things I am experiencing, material that I am studying that has resonated with me and small clues in your journaling that do raise a flag, but when I ask, and you reply, then I know you are slowing down and taking stock.

I guess I never really shared my thoughts and insight, so I will share, and then you can know my question is my way of sharing my care, but trusting you and your decisions and choices whole heartedly.

When I first started to learn of meditation, the story that was shared in the book was that of a young woman sitting in her office of her successful career and she was having a nervous breakdown and trapped in rumination.
This young woman experienced the D of her parents when she was 18 years old. It was traumatic to say the least.
Her coping was to throw herself into her college courses and activities to remain busy and push through the emotions and trauma she was experiencing.
Just like we are taught by MWD.
Good right!?
She continues this busy pattern for years to create a very successful career, get married to a fine young man, have 2 beautiful daughters and basically live the dream life.....
Fast forward back to her sitting in her office breaking down at age 36....and she could not put her finger on why she felt she had to leave her H, get away from her career and live the life that she thought she had lost....because she took the path that she took to feel better and survive the trauma of her parents D when she was 18. She never really slowed down to face the pain, heal from it appropriately and let it pass....

Now, the point was that meditation is a healthy manner to deal with the emotions and feelings that lead to this, and this has stuck with me as I watch my own D18 attempt to become busy to feel better about our family sitch.


She called me last night as she was several hours later than she had told me at a social event and she was in tears.....
She has filled her schedule so full, she is never home except to sleep for a few hours....
She said all of her busy socializing and working etc were not meeting her needs and she was constantly feeling bad about things.....
She has been breaking down more frequently of late after hat appears to be her doing wetland getting out and meeting new people and socializing....
I am working to learn and support her in this...
But something is off.

I have also read much on the nature of introverts....for me...my D18..others that I know....
You have expressed that you are introverted....
We have a lower threshold for so much social activity...
It's not that we don't enjoy it..
Many of us even crave it immensely....
But the truth and research and studies show that it takes much out of us, and more time to recharge from it....
Not a bad, thing, simply a thing.
Sleep, shaking, etc. Introverts can experience some of those due to our recharging needs.

So as it is late, and I have a goal to minimize my rambling....

I ask you out of concern...concern based in nothing more than my own experiences, past and present...
My reading and efforts to comprehend how I am going to not only come out on the other end of this, but how I come out a champion, conquerer and overall man I am proud of....

You know what is best...
Your response tonight is full of spunk and fire....
You are wise and evaluate your sitch often....
This is a strong and powerful Phoebe rising up out of the dust....

I pray that you are inspired and guided so that you can do what is right, learn from what you need and most importantly, you live life, love fully and experience much joy.

My dear Phoebe, you are doing well in a challenging leg of your journey.
I am glad that I can be a part of that as I have been.
You have bene there for me, and I will be there for you.....
Even if I bug you as much as I do my daughters with my challenge questions.....

Sleep well tonight my lovely.

(((((Phoebe))))

[Phoebe]

No one to apologize, SH. ever. I very much appreciate your concern. I just wanted you to know that while I am busy, I am also doing so much better than I was. The legal morass has been a trial, but the other busyness I engage in has been a good counterpoint to all of those headaches.

Thank you for checkin in on me and for explaining your concern. I am just as concerned about you, and am starting to worry about you again, to be honest. I wish I could hear a bit more happiness and joy in your posts again. Life isn't all roses for us, plainly, but i think that it's important to seek out joy every day - like playing with silly LED helicopter toys in the dark!!! We all need the medicine of pure, simple laughter, and as often as we can find it.

Goodnight, my friend!

(((((SH)))))

[SH_]

Hello sweet lady!

Hope you had an awesome day today!!

(((((Phoebe)))))

[Phoebe]

Today was a lot of fun, and yet it was a bit of a difficult day, too.

My sleep remains a struggle, and, even though I have been genuinely trying to get to bed at a reasonable hour (lights were out here by 11:30 last night!!!), I am having continued issues. I was restless and awake so many times last night. I was in bed for 7 1/2 hours, but I doubt I slept more than 5 hours, total.

I had my alarm set for 7:45 this morning because I had plans, but I woke up well before dawn and just ended up lying there until the alarm went off. I don't understand it, but I'm continuing to work on this issue. It seems almost like every other day I am struggling to sleep. I should probably start taking some notes and see if any patterns emerge.

Yesterday was doctor's appointment central in my world. I had a recheck for Lyme disease issues with one doc (doing much better, by the way), and then I saw my GP, and that took forever!!! First I saw the nurse, then in came a student, which is fine, but they take a long time because they are very thorough, and then i saw my doctor. I convinced her to let me taper down my AD meds by 25%, but she was reluctant, and then we decided that I should get a few vaccines. Make that 3 vaccines. My arms are kind of tender today!

Afterward, I went for a bike ride with L-friend and a friend of his that i've met a few times, then the two of us came back to my place for a nice dinner. I was exhausted, so he did the cooking which was really nice.

Today I went on a MeetUp hike for the first time in a couple months. H-friend was along for this one, too, so we carpooled. That gave us an hour each way to talk and get to know each other's stories a bit better. I am really glad I met her. We have a lot of common interests and she is easy to talk to. Once we arrived, we had a lovely hike with a good group of people. She already knew almost everyone there, but I had only met a couple of them previously, so it was a nice chance for me to meet a few more people.

H-friend and I are already talking about winter outdoor activities. We both ice skate and snowshoe. She does cross-county skiing, and says she will teach me how to turn on them (thus far a turn on a hill in x-country skis has always equaled a fall in my world!!!)

L-friend is going to help me with downhill skiing, so it's looking like I will have lots of reasons to be outdoors this winter. It's exciting to be making plans for winter already, rather than to be bemoaning the coming cold and snow. I actually like winter.

So, the first part of the day was great, and then I talked to a friend of mine on the phone and found out that her marriage has gone off the rails, too, and it just made me feel sad to see, once again, how much pain there is in the world, and to see yet another long-term marriage falling apart. She's in her late 50s, and her H is sounding like he's in a crisis of some sort. I used to think that the whole proverbial MLC was a silly phase that only a few people go through, one characterized by red convertibles, etc.. Nowadays, I know the ugly truth... that a MLC has the power to cause incredible pain and destruction. It's no joke.

I was going to go on my regular Thursday girls' night out with my Mom, but I just felt kind of like the wind was knocked out of my sails after that, so I just came home and spent the evening by myself. Knowing how common marriage destruction is doesn't make me feel better in any way. Quite the opposite, really.

So, it's time for a farm update:

Today I released my second monarch butterfly safe and sound into the great big world. The whole process is so incredible and amazing. My third chrysalis is staring to turn clear, so I should be releasing my third (out of five caterpillars that started this adventure) butterfly tomorrow.

My flock integration project is still a work in progress. Three of the 9 young chickens have sort-of found their way to their correct coop these days. One was in the adult coop, and up on a roost bar for the second night in a row. So, one bird is fully trained now. Yeah!! Two youngsters made it into the coop, but on the human side, sitting on a galvanized feed can, but they were at least in the ballpark.

Six birdies, however, were still way off target, and I had to do a lot of herding, cajoling, hauling down off a ladder, issuing of person chicken invitations, etc. to get them over to where they were supposed to be for the night. Still, I managed to get all but one to enter their coop via the proper chicken ramp and door BEFORE the light-sensing door activated, so it was a semi success. I'd say their training is coming along, if a bit slower than I had hoped.

Beyond that, I still need to finish cutting the second half of my smallest field very soon. Maybe that should be tomorrow's project...

I hope that everyone gets some good sleep and makes some progress tomorrow!

[Cherry]

I've said it before, I'll say it again- I get exhausted reading about you and your gal activities. But I'm glad to see that it serves you well. The winter activities sound great, I'm not a big fan in winter, the cold and dark nights get to me a bit. But I must admit, I love to go sledging (I'm a big kid like that). But there's no guarantee in the crazy country that we would get any snow.

Meeting all these new friends is great, I can see it's having a great influence on you to cast the net and enjoy hobbies with them.

I must admit, I too thought a midlife crisis was a case of dying their hair, getting a piercing, buying a motorcycle or a convertible. I see now that it is way more complicated and hurtful.

Keep up with the positive attitude. You've travelled miles since you arrived here and it is truly admirable and inspirational.

[SH_]

How is your weekend going my dear sweet Phoebe?

(((((Phoebe)))))

[Phoebe]

Well... it's been a bit rough, quite frankly. I lost my kitty yesterday, and I am crushed. He was my dearest little farm friend, and yesterday I had to bury him. Worse, he died in a farm accident and I was driving the damn tractor. I feel horrible and guilty, and I miss him so much. I planted a little shagbark hickory tree on his grave, and someday I hope that it becomes a mighty tree as beautiful as my little man was.

Just kind of lying low for a while. The weekend was fine until that, but now...

I had a bunch of plans with h-friend today, but I cancelled them. I just wasn't up to it. L-friend has stayed close to make sure that I'm OK. I saw my therapist and then just came home again.

Sad and feeling awful.