I told her that if I had the power to make her feel anyway I wanted her to feel, I'd long ago have scattered my pixie dust and made her feel like I'm the greatest man in he world.
Good answer! I'm gonna remember that one for me!
Yeah, stay alone vs. go on a fun trip with my kids -- definitely a no brainer for me too.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Part of validation is understanding you can MAKE your spouse feel one thing or another. I would have said, "I can see how that would be concerning, sometimes I am going to feel sad and it will show." Full stop. You aren't making her feel one thing or another, she is responsible for her emotions and that includes the guilt for walking out of her marriage. You can also just agree to disagree. If she threatens to stop outtings together unless you "pull it together" then just say, "That would be regretful but I can understand why you would choose to do that."
This puts the onus back on her without you getting into an argument while keeping boundaries in place.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
PsySara -- thanks for the thoughts re validation. I get what you're saying, but, at times, I think the line between validating and not being a doormat is almost impossible to navigate. There are certain things -- like blaming and finding fault with someone who's suffering because they aren't acting like nothing's wrong at all times -- that shouldn't be validated. IMO. I could be wrong. I usually am.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Nothing much new to report. Cold indifference from W with occasional flits of irritation/annoyance. Typically I'd mind read as to what's going on in her head, but I'm trying to avoid doing that.
On the upside, I've booked a place at the beach to take the kids for four nights for their Fall Break from school. W was asked by S10 point blank last night if she's coming. She said no -- she has to work. It made me sad to see her lying as to the reason and him not fully buying it. The kids know more than she seems to realize.
Oh how this all [censored]. Trying very hard to be not gloomy or show that any of this impacts me or my mood. Not always succeeding.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Hey JR, don't think you can worry about her saying no to the beach trip. It does suck that she wouldn't join ya'll, but I've no doubt you'll make the time Awesome for your kids!
I'd take pride in being a rock for your children. That should be about as uplifting as it gets! I know when D and I went away together it was like all of the stress was lifted away. We had an awesome time. I think the trip is something you should really be looking forward to!
Done any GAL stuff recently? May be a good time to get out and take some focus off the situation.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
JR, I've done similar things, though not for as many nights. And although there was initial disappointment, and even worrying about what my W would do -- i.e., go out and cheat -- eventually I settled onto the feeling that it's a necessary and good thing for my W to be alone. She needs that time alone to feel what it's like to be alone, and to sort out her own feelings.
In-house separation is classic Greek tragedy: everything is set up to fail.
I know it scuks, but just trying to put a positive spin on things....
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Thanks to both of you -- I really appreciate you stopping by. I am definitely looking forward to the trip with the kids. Hopefully the weather is good. They should have a blast.
Re the sitch, I'm getting pretty discouraged in all honesty. I'm still committed to GALing, 180s, etc., but it is hard not to notice that all of the momentum seems to be toward continued, intensifying distance between us. I really continue to struggle, as I always have, with detaching. As both of you know, it's hard to do when you live under the same roof. I have IC tomorrow, and hopefully that will help my outlook -- it usually does.
I hope you both are able to get some peace in your lives -- I really think sometimes my mind might snap under all of this stress, and I shudder to think what might be happening on the genes/chromosomal level given how long we've all been under this reign of relationship terror.
To better days for all of us!
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
