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Legolas Offline OP
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Thank you, Lim. Very helpful!

When you say you went dark, did that mean you did not reply to trivial texts (Like the funny youtube cat video she sent, etc)?

What was the length of time between going dark and piecing for you? Was the going dark critical to that eventually happening in your mind?

PS: I have been reading, absorbing and being 99.8% faithful to Sandi's Rules and they have helped me immensely. Thank you!


Me: 49 She: 44
Married: 23 years
No Children
Separated: 4 months

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Legolas - I noticed your post over on MLC and thought I'd check out your thread. You've not gotten a lot of visitors nor many answers to your questions so first "Hi!".

I don't have a lot of answers for you myself but perhaps a question or two and maybe we can get some others in with feedback.

When you say you are doing a "LRT" - exactly what do you mean by that? Is it just the non-contact?

I believe you mention that your W "checked out" of the marriage 3 years before you moved 4 months ago (?) and she didn't follow. Is that true?

How are you doing on your own journey through the fog? What improvements are you making yourself to make yourself better / stronger / better?

Do you have any indication of your W's current status or intentions going forward? Is she happy where she is for the long term? Is she looking to move on? Any talk of D?


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Legolas,

You will get more responses to your questions over in MLC Land, if you create a thread of your own. I would be happy to assist you in linking up this thread and your questions from Jack's thread onto a thread of your own.

We would be more than happy to have you as a poster over in MLC Land if you so wish to create a thread.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Legolas,

I have created a thread or you on the MLC Forum.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted By: Legolas

When you say you went dark, did that mean you did not reply to trivial texts (Like the funny youtube cat video she sent, etc)?

What was the length of time between going dark and piecing for you? Was the going dark critical to that eventually happening in your mind?


I discovered my W's A on Dec 30th of last year. I took a week to figure out what I wanted to do and then I confronted her and kicked her out of the house. I THOUGHT we were working on our M while she was out of the house but the A continued. I didn't discover that it had started up again until mid March. At that point, I filed for D. Everything changed after that and we began piecing in April after the A was truly dead.

I think it is absolutely imperative that you detach and go dark (regardless of your past behavior) for as long as it takes. Once we started piecing, my W told me that she wondered why I wasn't pursuing her but then admitted that if I had, it would have only pushed her further away. Instead of pursuing, I work on ME. I worked on 180's and GAL. Your W WILL notice even if you are dark.

You need to become mysterious to her. When she does she you or hear from you, she needs to see a completely different person. Thats why the 180's are so important. But you have to do those 180's for YOU, not for her. If you are doing them for her, she will see right through them. You need to do them because YOU want to be a better person for YOU.

With my W, I only communicated about our kids and I kept it brief. When she does text you, don't respond right away. Even wait a few hours before responding. It will drive her crazy but it works. You don't have to respond to texts about trivial stuff but you can if you want. If you do, don't do it right away and be brief in your responses. You have to keep this up until the A has died. So long as the A is ongoing, there is no point in changing your behavior to become more "available" to her.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
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