Almost Home

[doodler]

Ginger,

Here's an old dirty joke, but hopefully it'll be appropriate for this forum...

Mickey Mouse wanted to get a divorce from Minnie Mouse. So, Mickey went to the courthouse and filed the necessary paperwork for the divorce and he was scheduled to go before a judge in a couple of weeks. When the day came to see the judge, Mickey went before the judge and the judge told Mickey, "You can't divorce your wife on the grounds that she's crazy. We've done all of the psychological tests and we've determined that she's not crazy." Then, Mickey said, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was f*cking Goofy."

Ba doom pa...

[whatisis]

Mickey needs to GAL and do some 180's...and then get Goofy's thing treated!

[Ginger1]

HAHAHAHA! All the jokes made me actually crack a smile.....but that Mickey joke takes the prize! I actually retold it today!

I somehow survived this weekend. Kid was well behaved and enjoyed herself. I somehow got the paper done. I slept barely, and my house is a wreck, but I survived. Oh, and my dad is talking to me again, thankfully. I made sure D9 facetimed him after I was out for 12 hours on sunday. He saw me half passed out on the couch and I think he understood.

Nothing is new as I think I am overwhelmed, sad I lost the condo, and I am just so disgustingly lonely. This time last year I was in a new R that I really saw going somewhere, a month out from going to Disney for the first time with D and I just felt sooooooo HOPEFUL and good and excited. Not so much this year. I'd do anything to feel the way I did last year. But I don't and I'll just have to deal with it.

Ex facetimed D9 last night and she says to him "why are you calling me?" He said he missed her. I think he really just felt it obligatory. He hasn't seen her since last Thursday and won't see her again until this Thursday, but he gets the whole weekend. I get a break. He's taking her to a wedding instead of her cheerleading game, so I couldn't go anyways. She was extremely clingy to me this weekend, much more huggy than her normal huggy self. I'm sure I'll miss her when she is there.

Just a disclaimer to the newcomers to this area. I have been healed, lol. I have moved on. I have made a life for myself that I do enjoy. I've accomplished many things I can't believe I did under the circumstances. I learned to loved myself and I now how to be alone. That's pretty much what I have , alone. Hopes of a new future dashed me a bit, and let's get real, I've spent my adulthood divorced raising a child alone without much by the way of relationships. I am a rarity, and it's a but of a void that can only be filled by a partner. And I mean a PARTNER. I am patient, not reaching out for anything willing to have me, but it's time. But I will never consider myself a failure in this journey. I'm still a success. A success with needs and heart:)

[Sotto]

Sorry to read about the condo Ginger - that's a shame. Maybe now you know that complex is viable and you like it, you could keep an eye out for another one there? It's nice when somewhere we didn't think was in our range, actually is..

As for the loneliness. I'm not sure that a new partner is the answer to that and I think it is important to deal with the loneliness first separately. Short of finding a new partner, how can you bring more connection and joy into your life right now?? Maybe a couple of goals in this area might be helpful?

I just noticed with your Ex that you seemed to jump to a negative take on his contact with his D. My thought was - maybe he missed her? I think it's good to watch out for the negative interpretation of actions...we all do it, but it's good to catch ourselves and call ourselves out on it.

I also think - you are still grieving the loss of the new R you had, which you had hopes for. That's understandable and you will grieve for a period of time and then the grief will come to an end and life will feel lighter again.

Xx

[job]

I'm so sorry about the condo. Things happen for a reason and maybe, just maybe, there is another one out there that is much more to your liking. I would keep my eyes and ears open. I know that people in my area tend to relocate around the holidays, i.e., military base, so you just might happen across a place in the next couple of months.

Sotto has posted a really nice posting and I agree w/her comments on loneliness. We have to deal w/that and become our own best company first before we get involved w/a new partner. Give yourself some time...you are grieving the loss of the relationship that you have w/the former NG.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. You've got a lot going on and if the house doesn't get cleaned right away, no one is going to handcuff you. The dust bunnies can wait a few days or even a week.

Please take care of yourself.

[DonH]

A couple thoughts. I totally get the lonliness and do not at all discount what the others have suggested. However, I'm GREAT at being alone - perhaps too good at it. I very much enjoy alone time and always have. I also really enjoy steak, pizza and ice cream - but not every day! You've had a long run of it and I think that could be part of why you are growing more lonely. You need some adult time with other people. Even a few practice dates might be a god idea. I know, I know, you're not getting asked out - I get it. Not a lot of good answers from me but I totally understand. Hope that helps some.

As for the grieving, I don't think you are grieving the actual R at all. It's what you hoped it might be (but clearly wasn't) and what you are hoping for that you want, miss and grieve. That guy was not it. He really wasn't as you are seeing now. But you and I really would like it to happen and that's what you/we miss. It's just a matter of time and someone will come along - I really believe that for you - even though I only half believe it for me. Once again I do get it. Hang in there.

[Ginger1]

Hi Sotto and Job,

You both bring up some valid points. As far as ex goes, yeah, maybe not so nice of me. However, this man has been offered more time with his D which he refused, and we are the point he knows he could ask for an extra day, or to take her out for dinner, or heck, they could hang out at my house while I go to a yoga class! He knows I would gladly give him more time when he misses her. He has never ONCE asked for what is above and beyond what is expected of him, unless they have an event. even then, he wants to "trade" and I tell him no need to trade, take her! Still wants to trade. Anyways, maybe he does miss her, but he should take some action on that. Even D9 was shocked.

As far as my lonliness. I speak extensively with my IC regarding this. I have never been one to be lonely or needing something. And we kind of found that's where the crux lies. I have sat in my lonliness, have embraced it, have made a life for myself, one with a rich social life. I am really independent. I enjoy my alone time.

I am not lonlely for someone because I need my worthiness validated. I don't need someone to throw out my garbage or pay the bills, I don't need to be needed. We did come to the conclusion that I am reacting normally to my situation, and she would be worried if at this point I didn't want someone. I am lonely for human touch, partnership, connection, and emotional intimacy. I am ready for what us as humans are designed for. Real love and partnership. Can I entertain myself? yes, I GAL, have interests, a close circle of friends, I try new things, I go out, I enjoy myself, but that doesn't replace human need for intimacy and connection and love. My desire to share my life with someone. To share that special emotional and physical connection you can only share with a partner. I can live without it, I have lived without it for a good portion of my adult life. Even this Friday night, I am looking forward to be alone with some wine and my sweats. My friend wants to hang out, I do not. I'm looking forward to me time.

There was one sort of R that made me realize I made a bad choice out of my lonliness and need for validation. That's what sent me back to IC. I recognized it and it freaked me out. I've worked on it, and my IC feels now, my desires are healthy human needs.

I know what I want, I truly don't know how to get there and what I am willing to do to get there, if that makes sense.

As far as the condo, I am kind of in a rock in a hard place. My town is very small, there are only a few developments, the one I can afford I do not like. The ones I can't, I like. This was just a freak short sale steal. My future is up in the air. I may just want to get out of NJ. I don't know. I don't know what is right, and I hope the answer comes to me. I have big decisions to make to secure me and D's future. I did find a house, ironically enough 2 doors down from my ex's childhood home (which I lived in for a while). The street floods in hurricaines. I asked ex about the house and he said they built a brand new foundation on it. ex and I did want to buy exFIL's house and redo it. His house was a wreck and a half done project. It was so weird to see this house online which is a carbon copy of his old one, but NICE. But my dad will yell at me for considering a house. Lol. 36 and I will get yelled at.

I'm just going to sit quiet for a while and not make any big decisions and hope some answer just come to me. I finally got some rest last night.

one day at a time

[Ginger1]

A couple thoughts. I totally get the lonliness and do not at all discount what the others have suggested. However, I'm GREAT at being alone - perhaps too good at it. I very much enjoy alone time and always have. I also really enjoy steak, pizza and ice cream - but not every day! You've had a long run of it and I think that could be part of why you are growing more lonely. You need some adult time with other people. Even a few practice dates might be a god idea. I know, I know, you're not getting asked out - I get it. Not a lot of good answers from me but I totally understand. Hope that helps some.

As for the grieving, I don't think you are grieving the actual R at all. It's what you hoped it might be (but clearly wasn't) and what you are hoping for that you want, miss and grieve. That guy was not it. He really wasn't as you are seeing now. But you and I really would like it to happen and that's what you/we miss. It's just a matter of time and someone will come along - I really believe that for you - even though I only half believe it for me. Once again I do get it. Hang in there.

We cross posted, Don. And I have to say, you articulated how I feel and my mindset much more succinctly that I can. That is EXACTLY what is going on with me. I am pretty darned good at being alone. My friend's have actually have expressed envy over my abilities of being able to be alone. It's just not something I want every day.

You even pretty much nailed down the exNG thing. I sure did love him. I loved who I thought he was and who I thought he could be. But the R, I don't grieve that. It was very one sided he was so wishy washy. Just what I thought we could have had. I still sit in the hurt of choosing this other woman 5 seconds later to give to but not me. It was reopening a scar my ex left behind.

You totally get me, Don!

[Georgiabelle]

Ginger,

I've been away from the party but wanted to swing by and chime in (just ignore the dance music in the background). Can I contribute a joke? You can thank my 6 year old for this. What do you call a cow with no legs? GROUND BEEF!!!!!

Gosh, you have gotten some gold medal style advice. I'm sorry about the condo. I suppose the universe was saying "not yet" or perhaps not the right place. It sounds like things are a bit hectic and I know you are busy with your D. She sounds fun:) This is a joke, but I always tell my D she is the reason people have kids..and stop at 1. Humor is high in my house. I tell them it's the best survival tool in the box.

G, it sounds like you are a funny, smart hottie who happens to be a generous and devoted mother and friend. SCORE!!!! I think we would have fun together. I would quote people but I'm multitasking so I'll skip that. Some wonderful commenter (the name escapes me) mentioned that you think you "attract" a certain type of situation when in reality you "choose" to engage in that. I only point this out because a good friend of mine says the same things. She says "I only attract men who don't want to commit or who aren't overly interested in me." Hails to the no! And let's be logical, why would someone *really* want to be with someone who doesn't reciprocate your feelings? I always think that is an underlying tone of wondering why you aren't *good* enough for those folks. For some people that is like napalm and it ignites that "why doesn't he want me, etc" even if they are not actively pursuing. And hence, people convince themselves there must be something *wrong* with them if the people they *think* they want don't want them back.

I was with people for 19 years. I was always dating someone and honestly, I always picked pretty good people in relationships. I'm friendly with all of them. I think the dating landscape now is fraught with a bit of a churn due to online dating which of course translates into RL. Is that bad? Nope. Is what it is. All we can do is adjust and do the best we can to navigate.

I don't know how or when you will meet someone. I wish I did:) I know you are lonely and I totally get that. Completely normal. Lots of lonely people in the world who seem to have a difficult time connecting. I know people who have been single for years, so please don't think you are strange. Yes, you have many, many wonderful things in your life, however, doesn't mean you wouldn't like to share an ice cream cone with a fun, cool guy who likes your D. Being alone for almost 2 and half years was really liberating for me. And perhaps part of that is that I had become so immersed in keeping Mr. GB afloat, working, the kids, the house, etc, that I was exhausted. Now, I hope I am doing things different in my relationship with my new guy. Maybe, you still need to realize how valuable you are and that good relationships exist. And yes, you can have one too.

Oh, and wanting someone you are attracted to who is also gainfully employed, kind, funny and likes your D is not being picky. Saying I need to see 9 years of tax returns, be a minimum of 6 feet, no gray hair, has read "Eat, Pray, Love" and only watches Reese Witherspoon movies is being picky. We ALL have baggage. ALL of us. (I'm jumping up and down, waiving my arms in the air in my sweatpants with "I'm Behind The Dawgs" across the booty. No-I don't wear them in public.)

Hang in there. Keep going. Gosh, I was super wordy.

[RosaLinda]

I am lonely for human touch, partnership, connection, and emotional intimacy. I am ready for what us as humans are designed for. Real love and partnership.

I can sure understand this Ginger. I longed for those things, especially human touch, during my marriage. You've been through such a lot lately between your foot, your job, school, exNG, basically single-handedly raising your D9. And now losing this condo. A partner, especially one who cherishes you, would be so nice. Someone to listen, bring you a cup of coffee, pick D9 up sometimes. Not necessary, you are doing fine on your own, and are getting better and stronger all the time. But it would be.....nice.

Hang in there G. You gave yourself some excellent advice to "sit quiet for a while and not make any big decisions and hope some answer just come to me" - they will!