3 Years post BD ... I did'nt die. :D

[CaliGuy]

Previous Thread : http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...140#Post2663140

Ok ... 23 Threads later and here I am. Out of Nostalgia I did go back and read some tidbits of my first threads. Wow ... just 2 years ago seems like a lifetime and reading someone else's life TBH, I read some vet advice and it was not as clear then to me as it is now. A lot has changed for me .... the sitch is the same if not worse but I am in fact light years better.

Just a bit of history .. I will try to condense the last 3 years as best I can. My BD was actually around Sep13, I did not find this place till about Jul14. Took me a bit to realize it was not just a WAW but a full blown MLC that I suspect was triggered 2011-2012. I would bet dollars to donuts it was the incarceration of BIL3 for an act that actually made STBX deal with some childhood trauma (Most likely happened Nov when she was 14), this box was opened and shared a bit with me in late 2015/early 2016 but rather than deal with it I do believe she closed it up and ran back into replay. There have been a few touch and go's throughout ... the biggest one Mar15 that probably lasted will around Aug/Sep15. Same OM present throughout the crisis with multiple breakups. We have been separated since Nov13 with a brief 'back together' period from June15-Feb16 when I discovered a TM to OM. I moved out 10 days later and have been as dark as one can be sharing joint custody of our S9.

I continue to post here, not as frequent but in the hopes to continue to document this MLC thing as at this point its really like a science experiment. I have learned so much over the past 2 years, not only here and similar sights but also in just my own personal growth and development as I have addressed some bad behaviors I had developed over the years, and acknowledge one is never really done improving themselves if he is to truly live.

I was finally served D papers last weekend, I really was not that emotional over it. There was disappointment and dread leading up to the day I received the packet but once I opened it up and read it through its very much the same as the mediation paperwork I have filled out 4 times ... yes 4 times now. Only grief is I was served 1 day after my B-day but over the past few years that's just PAR for the course it seems. I figure D can not be as bad as the Limbo for the past 3 years have been, and I really would like to stop renting out a place and actually buy something sooner than later ... one can not do that with a MLC spouse who is all over the place.

My interactions with STBX have been seldom. She typically texts me concerning S with school and such, emails me concerning schedule which has been the hot-spot as of late. Last week she arranged to go out of town and wanted me to swap all sorts of days to which I couldn't/wouldn't So she had her lawyer call me and 'negotiate' the schedule. Turns out her out of town trip would have meant she only would have seen S 1 day for the entire week, I agreed to a change for that week in order to lock her down long term alternating weekends rather then split them up as W has been demanding the past month.

She did show up for S's baseball game, I caught her looking over at me a couple times and she looked back to her stressed out self. I still am amazed at how bad they really look but put on a show like they are the happiest they have been in their life.

Back in late May she did temp check ... texting me how she made a horrible mistake, wanted me to not be so 'Hard' talking about what her therapist had told her but 2 days later was back in the tunnel... I have learned over the past 3 years not to jump at these things any longer and just stay back and let her process it all on her own .... that fix it mentality has been suppressed through all this.

So as far as me, I am busy ... very busy with work, my sports, S's sports and just day to day stuff I do not even have time to date if I desired to do so. I think one day maybe things will settle down but TBH I am just trying to listen to what God wants me to do and walk that path the best I can. I go to church every Sunday and take S when I have him, listen to Christian radio constantly and have found it keeps me level and at peace. I have accepted STBW is still deep in crisis and just pray it does not effect S much and I do hope she finds happiness wherever/whenever that may be for her.

For whatever reason I do think she will come out of it, but I think the damage caused will be to much for her to face so she may just accept whatever her life might be ... time will tell on this, I will continue to life my life with an open door outlook regardless who may come in and out of it I will just take it day by day as I have been.

[AmyTx]

Wow Caliguy! I only hope to have the endurance to continue dealing with this that you do. My thoughts go out to you and everyone else here. I am at the very, very beginning and it is encouraging to see that one can actually survive.

I had grown away from God before my H had his crisis, but have found that I am now praying daily. I have also started looking for a church home for my daughter and I. She is 13 and I am hoping it will help her.

Who knows what my future holds, but I am just hoping that I follow the path that is most beneficial for my d and I.

[Bee29]

Hi Cali,

happy birthday! And sorry about the "present" that came the day after. But maybe it means new life starting with your "new year"?

I'm happy that you made this short overview of your story. I was missing some parts of it. Though I did try to read some of your threads over the last few months I admit I did not manage to read all of them...

Good luck with the legal stuff and I hope you will be able to buy a home for you very soon. I'm sure that having your own place will make you feel much better.

[job]

Cali,

Thank you for continuing to post. I know that the posters can learn so much from you, especially the ingredients to the STFU smoothies.

You've come a long way and you've done such a wonderful job of DBing along the way. It will take some time to heal from this, but in time, it will begin to fade just a wee bit.

I know you are a very busy man, but don't forget to stop and smell the roses every once in a while. Please come back whenever you have the chance.

Cali, we love you as a family would love a son/brother.

Take care.

[Pax_luv]

Hello Cali and happy belated!

I wanted to echo what others have said and want to thank you for sharing your journey. I know I personally learned a ton from your posts. You db'd alone and you gave it your all. Hopefully you can sit back from time to time and appreciate how far you've come.

[Eagle11]

Hi Cali,

I just joined this site about a month ago but I want to read up on your story. 3 years is such a long time, it's been less than 2 months since my BD and some days I feel like I can't go on like this. Anyway thanks for posting and I am definitely going to check out your story.

[roist]

Happy birthday. I don't think I have ever posted to you, but I loved reading your advice when you posted to those in newcomers.

I particularly liked your traits tool. OK I realise you found it somewhere too, but I heard it first from you. I made the three lists and am slowly. V slowly..... making those changes. I will post about that soon on my threadbut wanted to thank you for the time you put into helping others here; kus being an inspiration in your own thread.

I wish you well.

[Sotto]

Many happy belated returns Cali. I'm sorry to hear about the D papers and it wasn't great timing. I got notification they were on their way to me the day after our anniversary - and I was always glad it wasn't on the actual day (small blessings...)

I'll just say this - you are a champ, and reading your sitch helps illustrate how this unasked for journey becomes what you make of it. And you have made a lot of it and given a lot to others too. I truly think your W is daft to give you up - but there we are...

Take care my friend...and remember to keep being awesome xx

[bttrfly]

Belated birthday wishes Cali ... so glad you continue to post. I find hope for myself when reading how you are handling your sitch. xoxoxo

[CaliGuy]

Wow Caliguy! I only hope to have the endurance to continue dealing with this that you do. My thoughts go out to you and everyone else here. I am at the very, very beginning and it is encouraging to see that one can actually survive.

I had grown away from God before my H had his crisis, but have found that I am now praying daily. I have also started looking for a church home for my daughter and I. She is 13 and I am hoping it will help her.

Who knows what my future holds, but I am just hoping that I follow the path that is most beneficial for my d and I.

When you find yourself on the ... well the better side of MLC I suppose... you really have no choice but to endure especially when children are involved. She will always be the mother of my child and I have finally arrived at a place I can look at our 25+ years together with a smile and know it was real and the love was definitely there.

I was not very religious prior to this, but like many things this was a big part of my growth and journey and as much as I would love to never have gone through this I understand its part of a bigger plan much larger than I will ever be.

[CaliGuy]

Yeah I was not thrilled with the timing, but its just a part of this, when would a good day be? Never right?? But I fully believe she needs this ... its another roadblock in between her and Euphoria as far as she can see ... possibly with this and some time she will do the work I pray ... not to salvage anything between us, but for her own sake, my son would get a better mother out of it and I would be all for it. There is no M anyways so its just to go ahead and close that book .... will there be another only God knows this, I long ago gave this all to Him.

I do think you too have come out the other side a better stronger person, if there is a magic bullet it is that ... all this would be for nothing if at least the ones left standing did not figure out how to rise through the ashes and become a Phoenix .... a stronger better version of who we were ... maybe this was how its supposed to be.

[Ginger1]

I fully believe she needs this ... its another roadblock in between her and Euphoria as far as she can see ... possibly with this and some time she will do the work I pray ... not to salvage anything between us, but for her own sake, my son would get a better mother out of it and I would be all for it.

You know what?

This is true love.

Much respect, Cali

[Irish M]

Hi Cali
Happy belated birthday.
I am one that's glad you are sticking around. Science experiment or not.
As for your divorce, mine was necessary. I really think the MLCr needs to end it all. No ties.
IN my own sitch my XW is more friendly since we are officially divorced. Not that I am looking for her as a friend but it eased the tension quite a bit.

Hang tough my friend.
Irish

[ForeverYoung]

Thanks for your continued contributions to the board, Cali. You have shown what an honorable man, father, and husband truly look like. I wish for you and your family all the healing you deserve.

[CaliGuy]

Thank you Ginger, Irish and FY ... much appreciated

So just thought I would journal a bit ... as the Science experiment continues. Couple weeks ago I think I may have mentioned in the previous thread STBX retained a lawyer, from all I can tell looks like she went with an alumni from her college. I have spoken with her a couple times (The lawyer) first was her calling me letting me know I would be served, out of a courtesy call so I was not blind sided when I shared this was not out of the blue as we have been apart for 3 years she did seem a bit surprised, I was very nice on the phone and we agreed she could go ahead and send the packet via mail and I would return within the 20 days (I am sending this out today... about a week ish after) The second call was STBX was trying to change the schedule. After I came back from China the end of June I wanted S the entire weekend, and wanted to put an end to the Sat/Sunday split we have been doing all this time and would rather have the entire weekend with or without S as I could GAL or plan some fun stuff with him. STBX agreed to "try" this ... I admittedly disregarded the "try" part of the agreement as looking long term this is something I have been trying to get for some time. So after 2 months of this arrangement without mind reading just understanding MLC STBX would be depressed on the weekends I had S as she would often find herself all alone (Guessing OM is not always available which over the past 3 years seems to be the trend). So she had the lawyer call me and try to negotiate the custody arrangement. I comprimised and split the following weekend (STBX gave up a night with S so she could go up north with OM for his B-day and would have only seen S 1-2 days that week) So I agreed to split that weekend but from then on out we go back to the every other weekend and I wanted that in writing which the lawyer agreed on, she shared it took her a bit to convince STBX but as I said if this was the first of many things we were going to hash out I felt VERY strong about this item and I was not going to budge long term.

THAT ... leads me to this .... late last week STBX texts me and lets me know her G-ma was not doing well and looks like she is about to pass. This woman who I am fond of has been in at home Hospice for the past 3-4 years. STBX asked if I would be flexible with the schedule and allow S to attend the funeral (I chuckled wondering why the lawyer was not sent for this) I kept my reply short and said I was sorry to hear of the news and 'of course'. I would like to go and pay my respects as I said I was fornd of G-ma but given all that has happened I will most likely step aside unless FIL/BIL/SIL contact me, even then I will express my condolences and explain gracefully I will not be attending.

I am curious to see how this feeds the hamster in STBXs brain which seems to be having issues with the added stress from the D movements. She showed up to S's baseball game 4 hours late Sunday and called telling him how sorry she was and how badly she felt (I had sent the schedule and all emails just 2-3 days prior). S kinda crushed her when he told her he really did not care if she was there or not.

Outside of that I have been busy, I fixed an old machine at the shop yesterday, got all dirty and had a blast doing it... that sense of accomplishment really does wonders. I also had/have someone who seems interested but I just am not there, so I am politely dodging that bullet like I am Neo from the Matrix. I have this weekend open I think I am going for a ride down the coast, grab a burger somewhere new and have a beer ... something different for a change as I continue to see what else life will toss my way.

Hope you all are well ... peace.

[pbetra]

(((( CaliGuy ))))
Whoa - nearly missed you!

So much has happened - Happy belated birthday.
Sorry about the D tho. Take care of yourself now that that part is behind you.
I wish you well. p.

[uRworthy]

YOU.ARE.STILL.AMAZING.

Sorry about the divorce, my friend, but, most of them need to do this.

You continue to walk this with dignity and strength. Your son has watched it and it matters.

She will be spinning some. They usually do when they start the divorce. Keep to your path.

Glad you are doing well. Never doubted for a second that you would be ok.

[ericmsant2]

Caliguy

I do not think I ever posted to you - I have watched from a distance and wanted to say that FWIW....

You've come along way.

As for the divorce - I think you know the drill. Treat it like a business transactions.

And from one dad to another.....you do a really good job!

[CaliGuy]

Thank you eric .. I have seen your posts and catch myself nodding in agreement as you always give solid advice regardless if the person realizes it or not I think the seeds planted may be of as much benefit down the road with the "Ah-Ha" moment hopefully hits them.

I have come quite a long way, I am fortunate to have had many like you nudging and 2x4ing along the way .... then again if this were easy everyone would be doing it.

Yeah .. that's pretty much my approach, just another stpe in the process and I have been reflecting a bit on the M and have accepted this is for the best.

Thank you for that ... I think out of all this the fact I have become the father I have is what I am most proud of.

[Fogg]

Hey Cali, hope all is going well. Update when you can.

[CaliGuy]

Hey Cali, hope all is going well. Update when you can.

I had missed this Fogg, sorry ... does seem for me the updates are few and far between mostly just due to the fact MLC crazy is just that and I admittedly have developed some thick skin & boundaries where I do not allow much to get in anymore, There are some things going on I thought I would "Captain-Log" in if you will, just to keep a timeline in place and update some events that I feel warrant it, only time will tell if anything comes out of it.


Ok so on the MLCr front. For those not aware her Childhood trauma occurred when she was 14 from what I can gather sometime in November. During our 26 (wow almost to the day on the 10th) years November was always a trying month which I chalked up to the Holiday-Blues thing.... she would often pick a fight or attempt a break up over the years, turns out there was trauma and the root of all this activity only took 25 years to learn this.
So the TM activity has been picking up lately mostly concerning S9, either school, custody, wanting to swap days, scheduling holidays etc (But often things that do not warrant a TM). I have kept replies very short ... but not afraid of calling BS on her proposed Holiday Schedule Proposal which was nothing short of selfish on her part. I did sacrifice Halloween which was my night and let her take him that night in an effort to even the 'un-fairness that I have had him most Holidays this year',I was not invited and did not receive even a pic of him in his costume ... I did however get asked to pay for half of the costume she bought .... though I have yet to see it (She has also not received $$ for this nor am I inclined to do so).
So one new thing is the passing of her grandmother which was this morning. Not a shock as its been something the family has been preparing for, this woman almost made it to 101. MLCr texted me Saturday asking if I would take S so she could say her goodbyes, which I gladly did (bonus S time) ... she wanted to swap Sunday for Sunday, however I have fought long and hard to eliminate the split weekends and am cynical of her pulling anything to change the current set up, so I offered Sunday for Tuesday instead telling her I made plans for he and I this coming weekend which she accepted. I imagine these plans may be all for not given the funeral but we will see what happens there.

I am not sure what if anything this loss will do, I found myself thinking about it ... if she lives to 100 (seems women on her side live forever and a day) our S would be 64 and most likely as the only child held responsible for her, just a random "WTF poor kid" thought. I question if this makes her think about her current life and the choices she has made ... was nothing more than a shrug type thought and something I will guard against as this time of year she has in the past pointed out what a mess her life is.

I have yet to hear anything on the D front after I sent in the paperwork, nor am I really anxious about it .. it happens when/if it happens. I have been window shopping for Condos, I may even move into a bigger place when my current lease is up and start acquiring furniture I had long since lost in the split with the thought I will have to furnish the condo I purchase in 2018 (Long term Goal #1 at the moment)

Other than that I have been very busy with work and GALs. I have a pretty good routine however Softball is over till Feb. As I mentioned I was dating a bit over the summer but as of now I am just not there, no time and no interest really for whatever reason. So I am back to just me and GALs... I think I am just waiting to see where Gods wind blows me and trying to be quiet enough to read the signs and continue on my path. I have been reading a bit more and attempting to improve in some key personal areas .... day by day hoping to be better than the last accepting it took 40 some years to get 'this' way and allowing myself time to get to my goal.

[job]

Cali,

I am so sorry that she is being selfish about things. I'm also sorry you didn't get to see your son in his costume. Hopefully she'll send you a photo at some point.

I'm also sorry to her about her grandmother. She lived a very long time and saw a lot of things happen in the last 101 years. Can you just imagine the history she took to her grave?

You might not hear anything on the D front for quite some time. She might be one of those that drags her feet after talking about it for a while. You just never know.

I'm glad you are staying busy What are you doing for Thanksgiving this year? Are you going to be w/your family or friends ... or are you staying in and cooking for yourself?

Cali, you've come a long way, fought the battle and no matter what happens you are an inspiration to everyone.

Hang in there!

[CaliGuy]

Cali,

I am so sorry that she is being selfish about things. I'm also sorry you didn't get to see your son in his costume. Hopefully she'll send you a photo at some point.

Oh its ok job, I really was not all that upset ... full disclosure I allowed her to take him so I could pull a bunos gig and I made some money so it all worked out really ... given all the things she has done this sadly isnt on the "Get upset about" list ...lol

I'm also sorry to her about her grandmother. She lived a very long time and saw a lot of things happen in the last 101 years. Can you just imagine the history she took to her grave?

I was fond of this woman. She did not speak a lick of English but we hit it off day one. Funny story .. while we were dating I was at her house during one of the Holidays and helping move some heavy food filled platters to the table, Gma pinched my butt and I freaked .... I shared what had happened with W and she never believed me ... this went on for years till one day Gma got sloppy and got caught buy SIL pinching my goods. I was finally Vindicated and everyone laughed at my years of molestation from Gma who was sly enough to get away with it all those years.

You might not hear anything on the D front for quite some time. She might be one of those that drags her feet after talking about it for a while. You just never know.

Yeah .. sadly I am pretty much expecting this, its been 3 years now so I would not be surprised if it never happens.

I'm glad you are staying busy What are you doing for Thanksgiving this year? Are you going to be w/your family or friends ... or are you staying in and cooking for yourself?

Cali, you've come a long way, fought the battle and no matter what happens you are an inspiration to everyone.

Hang in there!

I have him Thanksgiving day and have already been instructed on what I HAVE to cook for the 9 year old dictator. Seems the spread we have had over the past couple years is growing and required for survival.

Thank you job for all your kind words and everything that you do here

[Irish M]

Hi Cali

You always seem to have it together. Glad thanksgiving you are with your son.

Nice to read your memories of your wife's family. It shows you really cared for that part of your life. You didn't erase it.

Keep showing us how it's done

Irish

[AJM]

Actually, the divorce happens when you say it happens. It's a way to close the chapter and at this point, I strongly suggest you pursue it. If nothing else, it'll be a good idea.
I know for me, I was ready to when I got the agreement and divorce papers in one weekend.

day by day hoping to be better than the last

And taking the steps to do so. I'm very happy to login and see this, Cali. You're a true leader and inspiration. You live your life like you talk. I admire that integrity but also know it's not for everyone.

In my experience, it's best for all concerned to not leave anything dangling. Don't wait on her. You did what you could, but it's not in your control, right?

What's on the menu for Thanksgiving?

AJ

[bttrfly]

{{{{{ Cali }}}}}

You rock, as always! You've come through so much and are such a stand up person, Cali. I'm glad you're moving forward and really glad you have S for Thanksgiving. I also have my S this year. May yours be a day of new and wonderful memories with you and your precious boy xoxoxo

[CaliGuy]

Ok ... its been about a month so just thought I would update, not really much movement or anything but I do still want to keep the log up to date as I can ya know in the running spirit of the science project and all.

MLCr update: .... I struggle to call her wife/ex-wife/stbx .. whatever so I have just resorted calling her my MLCr in posts here. Does not really matter but for whatever reason its still strange to me on just what to call her. Anyways about the only thing of note was this week, I contacted her to discuss S9's Christmas list, he had shared it with me and I covertly took a picture as he still believes in Santa (W and I did agree to let him find out on his own and be traumatized as we all were in our youth). So he had his list and I just wanted to make sure we did not double up. 2013 we did the 'fake family' Christmas. 2014 I set the boundary and it was 2 separate ones as I was not going to allow any more cake eating at that time. 2015 we were back together and had a normal (well ... sorta Fog Bank Normal) one. This year back to separate. So she replies back with what she had got him, I start to remove items out of my Santa-Amazon cart and I just sat there with this dumbfounded look .... like seriously the WTF look.
She has ALWAYS been frugal, ALWAYS .... like she would spend $20-40 TOPS on any gift. I typically go big this time of year, always have. The things she got S9 totaled out more than what we spent combined on S9 last year, and thats saying something as I kinda went nuts for him last year. Usually she would have at the least approached me to split it ... not one word. Just to put my shock into perspective, I would have bet on Trump asking Hillary to be his VP before I would have bet my MLCr would have spent more than $100 on anyone for one Holiday.
Maybe guilt, maybe she is trying to do something with the financials for the D paperwork I am not sure, and I typically have a great mind-reading hat I wear but this one did shock me .... other than posting it here I let it go with a shrug but it is in the archive of the great MLC mysteries of 2016 I would love to know the answer to someday.


Other than that, I have been really busy. Day job has been going very well we have been laying out the expansion groundwork and adding new equipment. I am not sure if I mentioned it here but I took another night of DJing on ... Thursday and Friday nights now with the agreement Thursday is under the table for tax purposes which has been helping me get ahead and pay off some things with the focus on buying a condo when and if this D thing ever does happen, something I still have not pushed on, have not heard anything back since I was served back in Sept but like all things I will take it as it comes.

With all the work and gigs I only really have every other weekend open without S9 and I have been dating some here and there, nothing serious but just getting back out there a bit and sadly ran into one who was absolutely in the middle of MLC, she shared her story and was following the bulletpoints of the script to a T, I shook my head and thought about her poor ex-h who probably has no idea what hit him.

I find myself still reading a bit here and on the other site, I only post here to a couple people I feel I can pass on some hard earned lessons to, but also realize like me ... sometimes you just have to work through it your own way in your own time .... still fight that fixer that lived in this shell for so long.

Anyways to those new, and the vets I pray you have a wonderful, safe, Christmas ... I get how hard this time of year is for so many of us, but trust it does get better... there is light and good things on the other side.

[FightOn]

CaliGuy - it sounds like you are doing well. It's uplifting to know that despite MLC we can move forward.

I think there should be a list of "Great MLC Mysteries." Sort of like an unsolved crime drama. I'm sure it would get a lot of much needed laughs.

[bttrfly]

Guilt. That's my hit.

BIG guilt.

Glad you are doing so well and still contributing to the working research on MLC, lol.

xoxoxoxo
Merry Christmas Cali. May 2017 be all you hope and more {{{hugs}}}

[Irish M]

Hi Cali

I too think guilt.

I also dated and seemed to attract a MLCr. Was scary.
Why do we attract them?

You seem to always have a plan. The condo is a great idea.

Thanks again for all your support here. I am I of the lucky ones you give advice to. Much appreciated.

Wishing you and your son a great Christmas
Cheers!

[bttrfly]

^^^ haven't dated but been told by friends that at this age it's not a simple boy meets girl, hangs out, falls in love, everything is sunshine and roses... by the time people are this age there's baggage and some ... well, they don't travel light ... xoxoxo

[SBJ]

^^^ haven't dated but been told by friends that at this age it's not a simple boy meets girl, hangs out, falls in love, everything is sunshine and roses... by the time people are this age there's baggage and some ... well, they don't travel light ... xoxoxo

bttrfly...aren't we bringing alot of baggage into any future R as well. I am very new to this whole thing and nowhere near ready to drop the rope and date, but I hope that I am able to become such a better version of myself that I am able to keep my baggage out of any future R...even if that is a future new R with my W.

[HaWho]

Cali - about the excessive spending on XMAS gifts for your son? It could be guilt but I suspect she's still the opposite of who she was.

I see this day-in and day-out. My h used to be financially generous. In MLC, he's been soooo cheap it's awful! How cheap? The other day, I emptied s's pockets and he had a few bucks left over from the lunch money I'd given him. I left it on the washer when I did the laundry. The next day the money was gone and I knew just who took it. My h!!! He also scoops up any spare change left anywhere. Polar opposite of who he was.

As for the dating/unresolved baggage issue, well, young people can have that, too. All of us here have learned that the hard way . . .

[bttrfly]

sure but there's a difference between LBS baggage and mid-MLC baggage ... I think our load is lighter...

[CaliGuy]

HaWho ... well its about 3 years post BD, she never changed in this area ... I do not care because lets face it ... if anyone could use some spoiling its a kid from the MLCr and I would guess its either guilt/re-connection attempt with him ... or my fav option #3 which was someoneele's take ... its an attempt to swat favor with S9, he is not shy about who he would rather stay with, spend time with though I think he tries to hide it with her I am sure it comes out ... so what better way to sweeten him up than to have Santa deliver all the goods to moms house. Again ... he benefits and is a great kid so I really see no issue with it


Touching on 'baggage' .... I know this is a standing site and well ... I am still here, would not classify myself as "standing" so I do not share much of the 'other side'. Here is the deal .. yes I do not think you get on the other side of 40 without some baggage. The issue for me and my fellow LBHs (all MLC veterans) whom I am in a cyber support group with if you will ... we all have come up with the fact its like we have PTSD, you do not want to ever hurt like we did again so actually entering into a new R at first comes with the rush we hear about the MLCrs going through ... its new exciting and someone has an interest in you, then all the sudden signs, signals and flags start popping up.
I still consider myself going through the healing process so I am not going all in with anyone and am upfront about it ... its nothing more than a GAL I was not pursuing. I know what I (and you all) went though is not something alot of people would/could do and I am stronger for it ... but there are still things I have to work on. Get better everyday is the motto, and something I do feel I continue and will continue to do.

[bttrfly]

Hi Cali,
Had to post re: the PTSD .. I feel it, some days more than others. In fact I've joked that I have Post Traumatic Insert-stbxh's-name-here Syndrome .... which is really funny given that his name begins with a D...

I dunno, since my 40th bday I've worked really hard to slay the demons. This divorce and subsequent "baggage" is not something I want to carry with me ... life is too precious. I just don't know how to reconcile that with my utter disinterest in relationships.
xoxoxo

[CaliGuy]

Hi Cali,
Had to post re: the PTSD .. I feel it, some days more than others. In fact I've joked that I have Post Traumatic Insert-stbxh's-name-here Syndrome .... which is really funny given that his name begins with a D...

I dunno, since my 40th bday I've worked really hard to slay the demons. This divorce and subsequent "baggage" is not something I want to carry with me ... life is too precious. I just don't know how to reconcile that with my utter disinterest in relationships.
xoxoxo

Yeah I think like with all things its time... but with this one I accept its probably about as fast as MLC and I laugh/shiver typing that one out.

I think for the most part you have to get to a place where you love yourself ... then when triggers pop up you can calmly reassure yourself its going to be ok, you will be ok regardless and just continue to press forward. But yeah .. there are still days I put on the old Tshirt and shorts and do not leave the house.

[bttrfly]

i'm blowing off our company party tonight... don't want to drive 3 hours round trip in sleet ... so i'm in bed in my winnie the pooh and piglet jammies eating pastina soup at 6:45! I completely relate to what you're saying.

Here's another whammy: my IC recently said that there's a school of thought that says it takes 1/2 the length of the relationship to be healed of the break up ... for me that's 13 years!!!!!!

13!!

I'd be 63!

[mleigh4]

Baggage for sure over here! I know I have many things to work through, and still have quite a ways to go, as we continue to be stuck in limbo land and closure looks far away in my world. My free time without S is mainly being alone, I am not always able to rustle up the energy or mood to be social. But it feels right, I like my "me time".

During our last blow up, H told me I need help. Yes, because of him!!

Cali, you seem to be handling things so well. I sense you know what is best for you and how to do it. I continue to find it to be a pattern of our kids being more comfortable with the LBS, whether it be mom or dad. I think it's important that we keep that stability for them, and if that means recharging with a good movie, giant bowl of pasta in our jammies at 7:00 on a Saturday night, so be it!

[Gordie]

Previous Thread : http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...140#Post2663140

Ok ... 23 Threads later and here I am. Out of Nostalgia I did go back and read some tidbits of my first threads. Wow ... just 2 years ago seems like a lifetime and reading someone else's life TBH, I read some vet advice and it was not as clear then to me as it is now. A lot has changed for me .... the sitch is the same if not worse but I am in fact light years better.

Just a bit of history .. I will try to condense the last 3 years as best I can. My BD was actually around Sep13, I did not find this place till about Jul14. Took me a bit to realize it was not just a WAW but a full blown MLC that I suspect was triggered 2011-2012. I would bet dollars to donuts it was the incarceration of BIL3 for an act that actually made STBX deal with some childhood trauma (Most likely happened Nov when she was 14), this box was opened and shared a bit with me in late 2015/early 2016 but rather than deal with it I do believe she closed it up and ran back into replay. There have been a few touch and go's throughout ... the biggest one Mar15 that probably lasted will around Aug/Sep15. Same OM present throughout the crisis with multiple breakups. We have been separated since Nov13 with a brief 'back together' period from June15-Feb16 when I discovered a TM to OM. I moved out 10 days later and have been as dark as one can be sharing joint custody of our S9.

I continue to post here, not as frequent but in the hopes to continue to document this MLC thing as at this point its really like a science experiment. I have learned so much over the past 2 years, not only here and similar sights but also in just my own personal growth and development as I have addressed some bad behaviors I had developed over the years, and acknowledge one is never really done improving themselves if he is to truly live.

I was finally served D papers last weekend, I really was not that emotional over it. There was disappointment and dread leading up to the day I received the packet but once I opened it up and read it through its very much the same as the mediation paperwork I have filled out 4 times ... yes 4 times now. Only grief is I was served 1 day after my B-day but over the past few years that's just PAR for the course it seems. I figure D can not be as bad as the Limbo for the past 3 years have been, and I really would like to stop renting out a place and actually buy something sooner than later ... one can not do that with a MLC spouse who is all over the place.

My interactions with STBX have been seldom. She typically texts me concerning S with school and such, emails me concerning schedule which has been the hot-spot as of late. Last week she arranged to go out of town and wanted me to swap all sorts of days to which I couldn't/wouldn't So she had her lawyer call me and 'negotiate' the schedule. Turns out her out of town trip would have meant she only would have seen S 1 day for the entire week, I agreed to a change for that week in order to lock her down long term alternating weekends rather then split them up as W has been demanding the past month.

She did show up for S's baseball game, I caught her looking over at me a couple times and she looked back to her stressed out self. I still am amazed at how bad they really look but put on a show like they are the happiest they have been in their life.

Back in late May she did temp check ... texting me how she made a horrible mistake, wanted me to not be so 'Hard' talking about what her therapist had told her but 2 days later was back in the tunnel... I have learned over the past 3 years not to jump at these things any longer and just stay back and let her process it all on her own .... that fix it mentality has been suppressed through all this.

So as far as me, I am busy ... very busy with work, my sports, S's sports and just day to day stuff I do not even have time to date if I desired to do so. I think one day maybe things will settle down but TBH I am just trying to listen to what God wants me to do and walk that path the best I can. I go to church every Sunday and take S when I have him, listen to Christian radio constantly and have found it keeps me level and at peace. I have accepted STBW is still deep in crisis and just pray it does not effect S much and I do hope she finds happiness wherever/whenever that may be for her.

For whatever reason I do think she will come out of it, but I think the damage caused will be to much for her to face so she may just accept whatever her life might be ... time will tell on this, I will continue to life my life with an open door outlook regardless who may come in and out of it I will just take it day by day as I have been.

Calicut, I am new to all of this and am inspired by how you really hope for the best for your W. Thank you for sharing.

[Irish M]

Hi Cali
Merry Christmas

[SBJ]

Merry Christmas brother!!!

[mleigh4]

Hey Cali, Merry Christmas, I hope you had a good holiday with your S.

[CaliGuy]

Thank you everyone for the wishes .... I do hope 2017 brings you all peace.

Just journaling and a tiny update now that I have a free minute or so.

Work continues to consume me for the most part. I picked up an extra gig over the holidays, the way I looked at it was its better to be out doing a gig that pays than sitting around in the apartment twiddling fingers. I had S Christmas day, when I dropped him off a few days before that I had taken him out so he could get a gift for his mom .... now I did not buy her anything but felt its important to have him get her something even though I would pay for it, he found a gift and we tossed it into a gift bag and he gave that to her that morning I dropped him off. I could have easily not done this ... but trying to remain on the high road is what I would like to model for him ... so no big.
When I collected him Christmas morning I was surprised she did the same (However he confessed it was only after she found out about the gift... was a framed picture of S and Santa) ... not a shocker there but S seemed to see right through that and ask why she is 'like that' .. I just shrugged it off and we went about our day doing some of the new things we have done over the past couple years. Was a nice time.

A couple days ago she texted me, asking about the migraines she historically has had ... asking me if I could recall when they started/ started getting worse. Over the past month or so she has been dropping hints almost like she is temp checking me to see if I react about her health. Last month it was therapy for a herniated disc. This text she said that she is seeing a specialist who may think its Lupus or MS. Honestly I do not know .. I am no Dr and I will leave any diagnosis to them but I think its the constant exhaustion, fog, confusion that seems to come along with MLC. Again .. her crisis, her issue to get through at this point. She has historically reached out during her ill times as OM is not there apparently during these periods, her choice or his I am not sure but it has been the trend over the past 3 years.

I did realize this is the first non-child related text in about a year. I simply told her what I could recall and left it at that, high road again and felt that was the way to be. I do care about her and her health but have learned like MLC I can not fix any of it .... this is probably the hardest lesson for me from all this as I was a chronic fixer pre-BD.

Other than that not much to add ... no word on the D over 3 months since I had first been contacted from the lawyer .... again no matter as its not changing anything in my life at the moment.

Hope you all are well

[job]

Happy Holidays or should I say Pre-Happy New Year?

I'm glad you were able to have your S on Christmas Day for a while. You are a role model for your S and he knows that you are there for him no matter what. You are the stable one and he is starting to recognize that something's not entirely clicking for his mom at the moment. I think you handled his question about why she does what she did correctly.

MLC/Depression could have created a whole new set of health issues for your wife, but that is for her to figure out and get proper medical attention. I agree, temperature checking to see if you would react, i.e., means you give her the attention she needs as well as showing her that you are right where she left you. Interesting that the OM isn't around much when the health issues come to light.

It's very difficult for us fixers to drop the rope and not try to fix things for them. It's one of the hardest lessons to learn because it's one we can use daily w/others as well.

May the new year bring you peace and happiness. Enjoy the time you spend w/your S.

[CaliGuy]

Its been very busy so I thought I would just journal a little bit.

Work has been nuts, we are installing some new equipment and to make room it was best we did a complete re-org to become more efficient

I had S NewYears... he called at the normal time MLCr and she did not pick up, I was suprised how numb I have become with this, only felt bad for S but not my circus nor my monkey. We did not make it to 12 that night and I could have cared less, after 15 years of working them I was thrilled to be home on the couch. S and I woke up ealry and I took him to a new spot by the beach where he could Pokemon hunt and it gets me a solid walk in during that time ... win-win. I did not think about it till we got there but that was a hot spot back in the day for MLCr and I when we were younger and I actually smiled and shared a memory or two with S about his mom and I there. No pain or hurt but arrived to a place where I can look back at certain periods and smile.
The next day we went out and I bought a leather couch and recliner along with a entertainment center that goes with the table I have. This upset S a bit as I am getting rid of the old couches I have ... which we have had for a LONG time, I am not sure if he is holding onto them as a family memory or if its due to the dogs (would often be caught sleeping on them) ... but he was upset as I told him it was time to let them go. They are the last remaining items I have from the 'Old M'. He and I talked and I agreed he could keep a couple pillows if he liked and that seemed to smooth it over for him.
I am kinda stoked ... I decided to stay in the smaller place by the beach rather than move into a bigger place and the money I am saving I went ahead and invested into the couches, something I always wanted but the MLCr would have not agreed on. I also nuked all the dating apps off my phone, there are various reasons but the biggest one is the fact I am really feeling good just being myself. I have a busy schedule and have really embraced 'this life' and for the first time in a long time looking forward to this new year and what it will bring.

Hope you all are well ... I know its tough but hang in there there is peace around the corner!!

[mirage]

Cali,

Love your relationship with your son. It speaks volumes.

Mirage

[CaliGuy]

Its been some time since I have posted ... or updated as its been a very quiet year but just like Jaws with 3 barrels it was only time till she surfaced so there is finally something to share.

So just to set this up:
I work my gig on Thursday night till 2:00 a.m. then get into the office at 7:30 and get back home Friday and typically take a nap from 5-8 before I do the gig again Friday night. The money is good and its something I do enjoy though it is taxing at times.

Just as I am drifting off to sleep, my phone rings and its the MLC'r. First impulse was to let it go to voicemail then I realized with the rain, the time was about when she was picking up S9 maybe there was an accident with him, or prior and she could not get him so I reluctantly answered.

Her: "Cali?"
Me: "Yes" (Who else would it be ....lol)
Her: "Its me"
(I knew that ...caller ID and all)
Her: "Something happened"
Me: "Is (S9) ok?"
Her: "Oh yes yes he is fine I am parked outside the school can you talk?"
Me: "Yes what is it?"
Her "Something happened do you have a minute?"
Me: (Thinking ... ugh what is it .. she is pregnant) "Yes what is going on?"

Thing is I have not spoken to her about anything other than logistics for S9 in just about a year and those have all been text or email. I only see her physically maybe once a month during the every other Saturday exchange and half of those she is not in sight of the front door to her condo. The only exception of this was back in June when I suspect there was an OM break up (one of a dozen or so over this long crisis) and she spun for about 24 hours then the next day started up D talks once she realized I was not budging.

So short of the long of it. She shared that BIL was talking about committing suicide. I have 3 BIL's and assumed but then asked for confirmation that it was in fact BIL2 we were talking about. I was fighting the urge to graciously end this call as this is no longer my place, but I recall some thoughts/approaches I have discovered here and elsewhere that I treat her as a neighbor so I simply listened.

To my surprise she said it was BIL3, out of the entire family this guy has his act together (on the surface) more than the entire lot of the 5 of them. I was actually shocked as out of them all I always related/got along with him the best. She shared that with all the legal fees BIL2 had with his legal case which started 2011 (Also the trigger for her MLC) BIL3 had now found himself over $100,000 in debt and from what I could get out of her in between the hysterics, crying and sobbing he somehow involved his jobs financials in this and there could be some serious implications.

She said she did not know who else to talk to, did not want to call/tell me. I was calm and unphased really ... the dysfunction in this family that I once regarded and thought they were lock tight and amazing has eroded to a point I almost pity the lot of them. In 5-10 years this vessel has run aground ant they all have completely flipped and spun into self destruction. BIL1 is a mess but now looks to be managing the best. SIL1 is in and out of the mental hospital as is her husband while church friends watch the 2 kids as they sort out their issues (this is 6 years running) BIL2 is in prison for 20+ years (Over the same act that is the root of MLC'rs root issue, his incarceration triggered her memory and its been downhill since) BIL3 now in finacial ruin and possible legal issues has a hard road ... and my MLCr is the baby of the bunch and she is ... well in crisis.

I remained neighborly and asked if he has told his wife. MLCr said no, only she knows ... now myself. She did not know who to call/talk to about this (What ... no OM ... but I know she only shares the bright side with him if at all and he probably does not even know about BIL2 in prison .. mindreading but I do not think they share these dark secrets with the OP). I told her BIL3 needs to come clean and tell his wife as the burden he carries will only break him, he must share the load with his wife and they have to get through this together as a team ... till death do us part, for better or worse, for richer and poorer and this chapter is the poor/worse side of things ... .as I said this I almost smirked with the irony as I explained how holding secrets and telling half truths is the fastest wat to destroy trust and a marriage.

She was to consumed with emotions to apply this to our failed M which I was thankful for as it was not intended to be a shot in any way. She asked if she should call his wife and tell her, I quickly told her he confided in her and that would betray his trust in his sister, its his secret to tell not hers. She felt the urge to call him back and plead for him to talk to her, to get help as we discussed and quickly got off the phone.

An hour or so later I receive a TM "I should not have told you" to which I did not reply.

So this is about the only thing that has happened in my sitch in some time. The root dysfunction of this family has not left any of the 5 unscathed. As far as her reaching out ... I shared this with my fellas (All have been through this MLC crisis and are in various stages) and came aways with how I felt about this. I do not think it was an anchor check as much as I think she has simply ran out of people she could share this type of news with. Hard to be that person who is so happy and living it up and share the dark demons your family has spent so much effort to hide from the outer circles.

It did not make me spin nor really side track me, but I was kind of surprised she called at all looking for support from me over OM who I can honestly say I am not sure where/what that relation ship is currently. Again, not my circus nor monkey but just continuing to track this process for the sake of documentation, at this point I have no idea if we will ever divorce, (Have not heard anything since being served back in September) reconcile, (one failed attempt at that already) or option #3 (whatever that may be). Personally I like a few others have labeled it in the 5% chance category as I am not completely closed the door to it but I would need to see darn near a miracle and honestly take inventory of my life which I am currently content with at the moment, my side of the street is clean, peaceful and I do not allow Drama-Llamas to poo on my grass.

So thats about it ... we will see where things go from here, she texted me yesterday about S9's B-day party which was a quick cordial exchange and its now back to all quiet which I am thankful for.

Hope you all are well.

[SBJ]

Keeping you in my prayers...I hope things stay peaceful in your world.

I kind of felt the same way when my wife called and spewed to me about her sister last week. Just listen, say very little, and let her talk it thru. I felt like a MLC counselor. Only they can work thru it...right?

[Georgiabelle]

Cali,

I'm catching up a bit on one of my favorite posters. I think you handled the thing with x or stbx wife very well. I get the impression that you are a very calming and reassuring force for your S and although your stbx may be a bit nutty, I honestly belief we ultimately have to do what we think is right. And that may not be what the masses do. And that's okay.

I'm not sure if I missed something in regards to the dogs, but for me, animals bring me joy and peace. I can understand that your S might have a difficult time letting go of some things he found "comfort" in. Your S sounds like an awesome kid and you sound like a fantastic dad!

You are doing amazing. Hang in there! I will think of you when I go to Bon Jovi in a couple of weeks!

[CaliGuy]

GB

Great to see you again .... I can just imagine you at Bon Jovi doing your little dance !!!

Thank you for your kind words.

[CaliGuy]

So little bit more to add with the update from the other day.

I picked up S9 and after 4 days without seeing each other there is always a bit of catching up, wrestling, poking, wrestling and catching up while we settle back into the routine.

S9 wanted to ask a question ... was concerning him mother and the talk her and I had on the phone. I was like a deer in the headlight as I assumed she did this away from him prior to picking him up from school ... turns out he was in the other room but could hear most of her conversation, obviously heard his mother crying/hysterical so he was concerned and had questions.

I asked him specifically what he wanted to know ... and as per our agreement I did not lie to him and told him the truth ... I simply left out the suicide part but if he heard enough to ask the questions he did then he certainly heard that.

S9 did share as we talked that MLCr talked to her GF, then me, SIL, and then GF2 ...... no OM. Infact this whole past year no OM while she has had S9, nor has she talked to him on the phone in S's presence after I left and she talked to S9 about OM and S9 was open and honest that he did not like OM.

Nothing really changes for me... life continues as it has and I have found comfort and peace in the way I have gone about my life. Currently focused on paying off bills, expanding my business and just being better than I was yesterday.

[BrightFuture]

Cali, so sorry about your S9 overhearing his mother’s conversations. I’m glad you are a rock for him and that he can talk to you openly any time.

What can I say about your MLCer… She is still in the spin zone… I admire your determination about continuing with your life and providing the safe environment for your S9. One thing I wanted to mention for a while now… is about your plans to buy your own place. You said that you cannot do it until you are officially D'ed. But… if you are in Cali… you might have options here… I don’t know if in your situation (having a son under 18) you would have different rules. But… I after a few consultations with the attorneys, I purchased my own property (if you followed up with my thread) and H could not claim half of the share of it, since I could prove that we were separated at that time of my purchase. Cali, have you checked with the attorneys? I know that your goal is to get your own place. I think you can do it, even without being legally D’ed from your MLCer. Let me know what you think… I’m glad that your business (side gig) is doing well!

[Mighty]

Hi Cali! Seems as though you are doing as well as I expected! I'm so happy for you to have made your own space and making it your own. It is freeing... and a little different to build our lives to suite in our own way now, right? Like, we always kept a compromising-mind in play for so many years.

We have experienced many things in somewhat similar fashion, and are on somewhat similar timelines... and you have remained pretty status-quo, my bro... hanging tough and finding your way..

I read where you mentioned about mlcr not sharing the real stuff,the deep and dark w op... you know... that is actually something I think about, myself. I mean, I guess specifically, for example, when xfil passed... I wondered what xh shared with hww, and how his dad did the same to xh when he was a kid that he is doing... and how that really took hold of him... well, that among other things.

Like you, I got some insight when mlcr came back 'round... and shared things. What I gathered, was mlcr did not, in fact, show his real self to hww... and had no interest... and frequently made comments like, "she will never get it..."

No biggie... but just interesting... like you- I just find somethings experimentally interesting.... yet many things completely dis-interesting...

Glad you are well... glad your son is well

And yes... being alone can be so totally wonderful... and I don't think you can truly be happy with anyone until you reach that point. It is then that you never sell yourself short...

[Gordie]

I'm inspired by how well you handled this delicate situation with your son. I have a kid that age and imagine will be keen enough to pickup and ask about these types of things in the future.

***

The thing about your story that makes me think is that I know my STBXW (gosh, I have referring to her that way) still comes to me with all sorts of questions/comments/situations about life for which she wants my attention and support...and how am I supposed to handle that going forward? Just listen and validate? Will that continue or just taper off over time?

[CaliGuy]

I'm inspired by how well you handled this delicate situation with your son. I have a kid that age and imagine will be keen enough to pickup and ask about these types of things in the future.

***

The thing about your story that makes me think is that I know my STBXW (gosh, I have referring to her that way) still comes to me with all sorts of questions/comments/situations about life for which she wants my attention and support...and how am I supposed to handle that going forward? Just listen and validate? Will that continue or just taper off over time?

3 1/2 years later I had a hard time with the sbtx label also .. hence why you see me still use "MLCr"

I had similar ... early on I was always there, text messages and calls at all the hours of the day. Me thinking I would save her and my M I was always there for her ... honestly looking back I was WAY TO AVAILABLE. In a way as I progressed I distanced myself further and further till I felt I was detached. If it makes sense I kind of weened her off me, or more likely I also weened myself from her. Most here do have Codependent traits and I admittedly was one of them.

Really depends on you, if you can honestly listen and validate without expectations, staying within your own frame than yes I would recommend you do that. BUT ... big BUT ... you HAVE to be honest here, if you think by being nice and doing all this is going to get you something ... ehem.. EXPECTATIONS.. then use a bit more dark/dim/NC in things that regard anything other than the kids. She can not miss you if you aren't gone ... she can not work on her issues if you are in her face ... I do believe they must bottom out and I am not of the opinion they can do this with us still in the picture. My opinion of course ... I am not saying go out and chase Mustang Sally .... but do not sit out on the porch waiting in the rain either.

Find you .... that is really the secret of all this

[CaliGuy]

Just thought I would update/Journal a touch ... seems like its been awhile.

The past 3 weeks there has been more exchanges/temp checks/anchor tests than I can recall in the past year combined almost. With my killer mindreading skillz I decided I just have no idea where this is all coming from, most likely a collection of things that she is going through and I am far from knowing any of that thankfully.

Little recap as I do take dillegent notes for my own snaity and in the art of tracking the MLC Science project.

3 Weeks ago a RARE call from MLCr sharing BIL3 lost his job and was talking suicide only to have a TM later sent she should not have told me.

2 Weeks ago TM dealing with S10 and how he was constipated... this was crazy as at that point of the text S10 had been with me for 3 days.

Last week MLCr shares that S10 released all his emotions and is having issues dealing with our pending D, he is 'torn and confused' and requires therapy. (Along with this were her sharing frustrations about the communication or the lack there of between her and I which I had not really picked up on as my main concern was S10, but re-reading the TM exchange the shots were there about my not being able to be in the same room with her for more than 5 minuets, how I am still angry .... typical projections) S10 is open with me, and as no kid wants his parents to D he does understand a bit of what is going on, only said mom was acting a bit cray that night as she was upset with BIL3. After a few days ... turns out S10 was not very talkative on the phone with BIL3 so that was how the MLCr diagnosed he requires therapy, since then no word of setting up an appointment.

This weekend was S10's Birthday party, first time I have really had to spend any amount of time in her presence, I was very calm and social with the other parents ... also made sure all the financials were inline with MLCr in a very kind way, even took all the presents to her car for her... thanked her via TM afterwards for setting up the party for S10.

All in all I have been reflecting a bit, my life is in a really good place ... personally I am involved in 2 sports that take up 2 days a week, my DJ gig has been amazing and the club has a very nice offer on the table that I will probably accept which will help me pay off a good number of items. Work has been going VERY well as we installed new equipment and expanded the shop. Every aspect of my life has improved ... even spiritually I feel God is guiding me, not sure where ... but I feel at peace and feel I am on the correct path.

The only 'hole' is the loss of family/wife which continues to be a void. Its not as sharp a pain ... discussing with my fellas in my group that is the common source of the 'mehs' at times, the loss of innocence, the loss of the partner you thought you would grow old with. Logically I have accepted this, emotionally at times it makes me pause, its not that it hurts as much but it does feel like there is just something off balance in my universe, I continue to grow and heal and have Faith God will make this all apparent to me in His timeline.

I hope you all are well

[SBJ]

Thanks for the update...you are an inspiration for us all here.

Proverbs 3:5-6New American Standard Bible (NASB)

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.

[Gordie]

Great, inspiring update. When you say pending D, what does that mean? And when you have finalized D, will that change anything for you in terms of your situation with your W and son?

[CaliGuy]

Great, inspiring update. When you say pending D, what does that mean? And when you have finalized D, will that change anything for you in terms of your situation with your W and son?

To save you the ample reading .... I have been on the D-ropes for it seems as long as this crisis has been going on. I was served finally by her lawyer back in Sep16 but have not heard a peep since ... supposedly I have a court appointment that was scheduled back then that should take place this week so I will attend that and hopefully know more .... not sure if its been post phoned, cancelled, forgotten .... hard telling with all the back and forth the MLCr historically has displayed.

When/if the D is finalized I do not anticipate anything changing in regards to my S, we have the custody thing pretty must situated with the exception that my drive to buy a condo will ramp up considerably but as I am doing now I still may have a year or tow to save/locate the correct place.

As far as the W/MLCr this financials may not be what she has been getting nor expecting, I decided long ago to give X with the fact that if D happens I will benefit financially from where I am now, this was in order to keep S10 in the school he is in with little MLC impact to his life as I can afford, part of the D settlement will be he continues at this school as planned till 8th grade then we will have to come to an agreement at that point.
The only other thing I see changing is this will be that last strand that binds, for me changes little I really can consider what we have had over the past 3 years a marriage ... that takes two .. but for her as we have discussed not only in my thread but others, D sometimes is the last thing they need to have in order to complete their journey.... maybe this will be the thing that helps her through it I am not sure... time will tell, if I am ever approached for R ... like my approach has been ... I will deal with that when it comes, till then I strictly keep my focus on myself and my son, with just an wandering eye on her now and then just making sure I am ready to close the window or leave it cracked given the MLC gusts of nuts that do tend to be a part of this.

[Gordie]

Thanks for the update. It sounds like you are in a good place no mater what happens re D. Best wishes for whatever happens this week. Re needing D in their journey? Has your MLC told you that? My W has.

[CaliGuy]

Re needing D in their journey? Has your MLC told you that? My W has.

Well ... like all things yes and no. The monster who needs D, along with the spew that no longer has a place for me to listen to. During the touch and go she told me she felt like she wanted it but deep down she just could not do it, something was not allowing her to. I think she knows that its the last straw, and honestly for me may very well be.... again .. time will tell, I really have no expectations one way or the other she will follow through with the D or won't, my life is not going to change at the moment regardless. I have been consistent with my stance on the D .... its all hers if that's what she wants, I am not lifting a finger to push it one way or the other.

[CaliGuy]

Ok ... Spidey senses were spot on


I knew the increase in MLCrs actions over the past 2-3 weeks were coming from somewhere, I was just not certain where. I received the second set of divorce papers in the mail ... the financial disclosures and have 2 or so weeks to respond/give her lawyer mine .... I plan on consulting with a lawyer first so we will see how this all pans out. Financially I actually benefit more if we were to D ... and as I have said I do think she may need this to continue on her journey or at the least close the book on her and I and move forward. I just think after the reality of the financials set in I am in store for a F5 Spew session so it may be time to bust out that old spew jacket I have kept in storage.

[Gordie]

Woah...your spider senses are really good. Best wishes in dealing with any nastiness coming your way. What a V day. Hugs.

[CaliGuy]

Woah...your spider senses are really good. Best wishes in dealing with any nastiness coming your way. What a V day. Hugs.

Paired well with my Birthday .... lol

In fact I have had a MLC 'moment' for most the major Holidays/events for whatever reason throughout this crisis. They used to be triggers for me but as time goes by I realized the only power they were given was by me ... so its back to what they are ..simply Holidays and events.

[CaliGuy]

Just an update/journal

I went to court yesterday for the D issue. Arriving early as my usual fashion I was not sur eif the MLCr would be there or not, secretly hoping she may have forgotten for whatever reason ... I still am trying to sort through those emotions, there is 90% of me that wants this to happen and be over with at this point some 3 1/2 years post BD, but then there is that 10% that thinks maybe just maybe my old W would wake up and magically come back to me, I know this is not possible but yet there is that old me who is still as perplexed/confused as to how we wound up 'here' ..... again I have accepted all this but no matter how long MLC has been a part of my life there is just making no sense of it all.

So as I entered the court room and checked in with the rest of the poor people in the grough I spotted the MLC lawyer right off, I had googled her back in Sept when I was served just to research and see what I was up against. After 2 hours of hearing custody battles (some VERY ugly) and then fighting a smile hearing a couple "We are in counseling and trying to reconcile" ... it was finally time for my case. The MLCr Lawyer suprised me by coming over, extending a hand and saying it was really nice to finally meet me, we went through our stuff quickly ... judge was very nice ... and after MLC-L asked if I had a minute to chat .... sure why not.

Now knowing who's payroll she is on I was kind but guarded ... however I was impressed with this woman, she has practiced for 30 years and actually seemed very kind. She asked a bit about me, my son, how he and I are handling this whole thing and if I was open to R (even asked if I sent flowers on V-day ... wth??) just so she could get a feel of the sitch given she only had MLCrs side of things. She was a genuine person and mentioned how lawyers 'leave alot of broken glass on the floor after the D is completed... often its the children that suffer the most' .... this actually stuck with me throughout the day. She did do her lawyer type stuff probing for what I was after in the D, and asking things she will soon enough have answers to regarding financials but all in all it was a pleasant meeting.

All things said there is still the negotiations to go through and I need to disclose my financials. I am going to get a consultation as its been awhile and I finally have everything from the MLCr ... though I suspect some behind the scenes dirty pool happening ... just nothing that I think will help her cause much. So we have another court date set for Aug 3, and that should be about it unless something happens between now and then which I do not anticipate. The L did mention that the fact the MLCr and I do not talk it was not a good thing, I can only guess this bothers MLCr as she has mentioned here and there over the last year but that is the result of her actions and a boundary I put forth and have not budged on ... not out of punishment just out of a need for peace in my life.

This may have been a collection of thoughts that make little sense .. I did not sleep much and have had people in and out of the office as I try typing this ... thats it for now I hope you all are well!

[SBJ]

Feel for you Cali...we are all here in your corner for you. I will continue to keep you in my prayers. Stay strong my friend.

[Gordie]

Feel for you and totally get that you still hold out hope. I guess your MLCr didn't have to attend, just her L?

[mleigh4]

Just got caught up here. You have had a lot on your plate Cali. I imagine this brings so many emotions back to surface again. Although this D process has been dragged out, I hope that helps in having each episode sink in and dealt with.

I know this isn't easy for your S, but I am so grateful he has his calm and grounded father to lean on. Stay strong for him Cali. I know spending family time isn't an option for you, but maybe there could be a different way to let him know he still has his family in a sense, even though his mom and dad are not together. That feeling of security is so important to kids.

I am happy to hear everything else overall is going well. Please keep us updated and you continue to be a great role model for so many of us.

Take care of yourself
M

[roist]

Wow Cali.

How did you answer the lawyer about reconciliation?

I am glad your appointment was pleasant or at least not unpleasant.

Over the last few years I have spent a lot of time on the web looking up knowledge and facts about M/D. Here we see people struggling to save their M and most don't. But some do. The internet is full of other examples of people that do reconcile. 10% of people who divorce remarry again afterwards.

I am just saying that your 10% voice may have the odds stacked against him but that does not mean it won't happen. I believe there is a chance that each M can be saved. I know not all will be, but every one has a possibility of reconciling. That couple just before you who are in counseling prove that too.

You have been at this a long time and I understand that 90% part of you. Actually I am surprised it is not higher. Pleasantly surprised. But you are a hood man so maybe I should not be surprised. Your advice to others here has helped them and many more readers along the way.

I think you are doing great. Only you decide when it is over.

Best wishes

[WillDo]

Cali, I am sad to here what has been going on. I had been away. Your story is inspirational. You are a person only a fool would leave.

[CaliGuy]

Just got caught up here. You have had a lot on your plate Cali. I imagine this brings so many emotions back to surface again. Although this D process has been dragged out, I hope that helps in having each episode sink in and dealt with.

I know this isn't easy for your S, but I am so grateful he has his calm and grounded father to lean on. Stay strong for him Cali. I know spending family time isn't an option for you, but maybe there could be a different way to let him know he still has his family in a sense, even though his mom and dad are not together. That feeling of security is so important to kids.

I am happy to hear everything else overall is going well. Please keep us updated and you continue to be a great role model for so many of us.

Take care of yourself
M

Hey M ... yeah some emotions were stirred up, so much to the fact I was digging into old pics and it all hit me. Not the sadness that one would think when it comes to D, but looking at her was like seeing someone you used to know and realizing you do not know that person at all anymore, but there was more to it for me than just that, this thought came into my head ... "I would not even date her".

S seems to be doing ok but he knows there is courts and lawyers involved now so its raining down on his "mommy and daddy will get back together" dream. Sounds like she is doing much better with him and the relationship is healing between the two of them, I think partly because in the past year that I left she has not had OM there once while S is there. Again ... maybe OM is MIA, or just on the DL its anyone's guess.

Wow Cali.

How did you answer the lawyer about reconciliation?

I am glad your appointment was pleasant or at least not unpleasant.

Over the last few years I have spent a lot of time on the web looking up knowledge and facts about M/D. Here we see people struggling to save their M and most don't. But some do. The internet is full of other examples of people that do reconcile. 10% of people who divorce remarry again afterwards.

I am just saying that your 10% voice may have the odds stacked against him but that does not mean it won't happen. I believe there is a chance that each M can be saved. I know not all will be, but every one has a possibility of reconciling. That couple just before you who are in counseling prove that too.

You have been at this a long time and I understand that 90% part of you. Actually I am surprised it is not higher. Pleasantly surprised. But you are a hood man so maybe I should not be surprised. Your advice to others here has helped them and many more readers along the way.

I think you are doing great. Only you decide when it is over.

Best wishes

The lawyer seemed to ask more in a probing way, I am thinking she was trying to just figure out where I was ... I actually kind of chuckled as I told her I have been at this now for almost 4 years, and at this point I do not see a reconciliation possibility but I also would not be shocked when/if she drops the D case. I told her I no longer have the door open to that, but if she knocked I may listen through the peep hole. My guess is when she finds out I will not have to transfer the amount I have been .... in fact its she who will have to pay .. she may very well decide she loves me dearly and wants to remain married .... ok I actually laughed typing that.

10% may be a bit of a reach ... might actually be 4-5 TBH but I really spend little time thinking about that anymore as its honestly not my choice ... she chose to go a certain path and I chose to walk my own. Getting divorced really in no way would change my life/lifestyle right now .... IF .. big IF .. she were to wake and approach me and want to save the M, or start a new R with me .. now that would totally upset my applecart and I really am not sure how open to that I would be.

Cali, I am sad to here what has been going on. I had been away. Your story is inspirational. You are a person only a fool would leave.

Thanks WillDo ... I do not think any of us desired to be 'here' but I am really starting to understand I would NEVER have made the changes nor pursued to continue to change constantly without this all happening. I would not have learned the hard lessons I have without this. Do I still wish it never happened... well yeah, who wants to have their family destroyed over something no one really can wrap their head around ..... but I will say this... I am stronger for it.

[Gordie]

Cali,

I always rad your posts because I find them inspiring and always learn something from them. Thank you. I wish I had something to give you in return but right now I am just a taker.

[Irish M]

Hi Cali
I had that same thought pass through my head a while ago

The person she became is not dating material for me. Mad wit easier to finally disconnect.

Glad your S is doing good. You after strong so he probably draws that from you.

I'm sorry you are still here but Since you are going throug this , I. Am glad you are here. You helped me so much.

D is just a paper remember :-)

[mirage]

Cali,

You are a success in my book. The person you became and are still molding is a wonderful thing for you and the people in your life and ones you will meet in the future.

Mirage

[uRworthy]

Hiya Luke. I dont come here anymore for a lot of reasons, but, was drawn here tonight for some reason...I think it was you.

It is perfectly normal to have that small part of you wonder...what if. This was a woman you loved a great deal, the mother of your child. And it isnt as if you saw any of this coming. I dont care how far down the road you are...it still just baffles you from time to time.

Now really is the time to get back into that business mindset and put the emotional part aside as much as you can for now.

This is another step on your journey. It is going to be a bit bumpy for you. After all, as much as you have moved forward, this is the legal end of your marriage and that's a sad thing no matter where you are at.

I know you will continue to handle this in your wonderful way and will be there for you son. He is still watching you as you set the tone for this part.

I think of you often, my friend. None of us asked for this, and it is so hard, but man, have you grown. This was a journey you were meant to go on.

[FightOn]

Hi CaliGuy!

I have had the same thoughts about my H in terms of would I date him if I met him today? If he was honest with me about his relationship history, probably not.

I am inspired by your ability to detach, learn, and grow. You have shared with me so much of what you have learned and for that I am so grateful.

Your S is lucky to have you as a father.

[bttrfly]

Cali {{{{{hugs}}}}} because you've done so much hard work to get to this point, and your mindset is so positive despite the D proceedings moving forward.

I don't mean positive in what we all hope for when we first arrive here: that our spouses will switch back and our marriages be restored.

I mean positive in the sense that you are so solid in who you've become. You will get through this and we are all here if you need us, as you have always been here for others. xoxoxo

[bttrfly]

P.s. My exh would get a first date, but probably not a second, so add me to that list.

[CaliGuy]

Thank you .... not to exclude anyone but uR you have been on my mind throughout all this and I can always feel the fuzzy 2x4 smack my face.


So its been what a month, I honestly have been pretty busy and this past month not really around here much ... I have read and posted a couple times but just felt a need to pull back and try to start seeing the world without the MLC glasses on 24/7 .... its more about the healing process and the fact work was absolutely nuts last month.

So there has been a bit of a development in my sitch. I am not sure I ever shared this tidbit ... its not at all shocking in MLC land I fear. So my BD was 2013, my MLCr decided in 2014 to file her taxes seperately from mine, ofcourse this was news to me when it came tax time and not only did I have to file my own ... she went ahead and claimed our only son as her deduction. You have to love it right? Needless to say I owed (about 5k) and ofcourse with her empting the accounts late in 2013 and putting all that money in her personal account I was forced to make an installment payments.... given the small apr and the fact I had all these new expenses (Apartment/Single auto insurance/single phone...etc) I simply just made the payments and the balance was slowly going in the right direction.

Fast forward to 2015, IRS informs me just as I was about to pay off 2014 that they have added an adittional 6k from 2013... a year we actually filed normally. The accountant we used is her family accountant and over a year of emails I could not get anything out of him nor her concerning this amount. I am not sure if she went back and changed something, if she was given a return that was in error ...not any word nor help. So I decided I would just disclose this amount to be taken care of with the divorce stuff and let it sit.

I just recieved a letter from the IRS over the weekend that they have applied overpayment from 2016 to this 2013 balance. Took a few hours for my brain power to kick in that my MLCr must have already filed (she claims our son this year) and the IRS was so kind as to take her $5500 return and apply it to that 2013 balance. Hot cup of Karma anyone? The beuaty of this ... she most likely has no idea its happened yet, continues to look for the IRS check in her account and will have to keep waiting on that till she finally calls up the accountant who is aware of the 2013 issue but most likey figured good ol Cali would be holding that bag.

I did have to laugh ... then I laughed again. You just can not make this stuff up.


So other than that I am doing well, job is going very well .. I look to buy a condo once the D is finalized and continue to do the mirror work.. GAL.. and my PMA has been nice and steady. I also converse with a supportive group of fellas who have been through the hell and we help keep each other on the tracks.

One of which left me with a quote I feel I must share concerning MLC. The topic was about letting go and how hard it is ... given the long amount of time with your spouse, the lost time with your kids, the realization of that family unit you always knew is simply gone. Then the quote that really struck a chord.... "At some point one either let's go of the rope ... or they continue to be dragged, MLC was definitely a lesson in getting dragged."
I know I hung on for some time before I truly let go and decided the journeys we were both going to have to go through had nothing to do with the other, she has her walk and I clearly had mine. We let go when we let go ... we suffer to the point where we can no longer suffer any longer and we force ourselves to change ... no one can do this but us, no one can take that first step for us.

It does get better ... I did not say easier .. just better.

[Gordie]

Cali, as always, thanks for inspiring us on this unwanted journey. As you say...you didn't die. The tax thing is funny if you ask me.

[SBJ]

Cali, I was thinking about you yesterday. I'm glad you are finding happiness and comfort.

[roist]

Is it possible W did this to take care of it?

Glad it is sorted without adding to your problems.

Best wishes

[Irish M]

Hi Cali

Made me laugh about your W claiming your son.
It's not funny but funny in a sad way

My XW did the same. Only she claimed both my Daughters and also claimed she lived at my address alone with them.

She had to pay back 7000$ that she received in child assistance money from the government and is on a watch list for fraud. If she goes in unemployment in the futur she may be refused.


Glad you are keeping busy and karma is catching up to your W.
Thanks again for being a strong support to so many here.

Irish

[Sotto]

Oh my goodness Cali - what a story about the tax issues unfolding...

I'm so glad to read of how well you are doing. From all that you post, you sound like a great guy and I'm sure life will hold many joys and blessings going forward.

As for your marital situation - well that unfolded just about as badly as many here - including my own. However, saving yourself does mean that you manage not to become defined by the disaster - and the learning and growth are gifts indeed.

Take care and glad to hear from you

[mleigh4]

Hey Cali,

Always good to hear from you, I look forward to your updates.

Wow, the tax story is a very good case of karma. I always did believe in it, and so glad that situation turned in your favor.

Letting go has been the very hardest part of all of this. You are lucky to have your support group, I am so glad you found them. Can I ask how you found them? My girlfriends are wonderful, but it would be nice to also have the social support of others in the midst of it all.

Take care Cali,
M

[CaliGuy]

Thanks Gordie/SBJ

Is it possible W did this to take care of it?

Lol ... no ... there is no chance she would have parted with 2 pennies, this is the one thing that has been consistent Pre/Mid and I assume post-MLC.

Hi Cali

Made me laugh about your W claiming your son.
It's not funny but funny in a sad way

My XW did the same. Only she claimed both my Daughters and also claimed she lived at my address alone with them.

She had to pay back 7000$ that she received in child assistance money from the government and is on a watch list for fraud. If she goes in unemployment in the futur she may be refused.

I was livid.. but again this was prior to me knowing anything about MLC, I do sometimes wonder how I would have handled things had I ended up here early on like most (Not for a different/better outcome mind you ... just for my own personal journey and if it would have accelerated or possibly made me stay a bit longer) ... I was already a good chunk in before DBing and even further till the MLC pieces of the puzzle came into play.

Oh my goodness Cali - what a story about the tax issues unfolding...

I'm so glad to read of how well you are doing. From all that you post, you sound like a great guy and I'm sure life will hold many joys and blessings going forward.

As for your marital situation - well that unfolded just about as badly as many here - including my own. However, saving yourself does mean that you manage not to become defined by the disaster - and the learning and growth are gifts indeed.

Take care and glad to hear from you

Yeah ... well like ALL here, this is not something one asks for nor even wishes, in fact I would not wish this on anyone but as I have grown and now able to look back honestly at some things in my life I can say I am better for it all, I also know I would have never made the changes I have ... if MLC did not hit I would most likely still be married, living day to day and just going through the motions. Besides the obvious desire for my family unit to be back, missing what was here and there I can accept it all without bitterness and see it for what it truly was .. a rebirth, a second chance, a do-over if you will.

Hey Cali,

Always good to hear from you, I look forward to your updates.

Wow, the tax story is a very good case of karma. I always did believe in it, and so glad that situation turned in your favor.

Letting go has been the very hardest part of all of this. You are lucky to have your support group, I am so glad you found them. Can I ask how you found them? My girlfriends are wonderful, but it would be nice to also have the social support of others in the midst of it all.

Take care Cali,
M

Letting go was for me almost impossible. I still laugh at myself when I read along here and everyone is giving advice and talking about detachment which I completely stunk at. I just could not let go ... I was so connected (co-dependent) it was seriously impossible for me until as I have shared with a few ... my suffering became so unbearable I HAD to change and no one could tell me how nor do it for me .. it took that last straw from her for me to drop rope and walk away without any expectation of what she would or wouldn't do because I finally came to a point I really did not care.

As far as the group .... I posted just a little bit some time ago on another site geared solely to MLC, I told my story a bit ... a few from here are there as well. I posted what had happened and that I dropped the rope I was contacted by a male member who was a part of this group on FB messenger. Its good to have a group of guys to bounce things off of .. even better when they ALL have gone through this MLC horror show and we give each other some advice of life after MLC ... some date, some don't ... one is even still married and making it through the fog with the MLCr so there is hope if you are reading and looking for that.

The thing I think that happens is you end up like myself and there really is no closure (95% of you is ok, new chapter and moving on... 5% some how believes there will be an awakening and you really honestly do not know how you would handle it) ... speaking for myself its like .. ok dropped this toxic rope that was hurting me .. now what>? I dated a bit just to know I could, but you have this PTSD thing, like you are afraid.. no terrified .. no .. maybe just unwilling to even put a pinkie toe of emotional substance into a new relationship. You were just in a horrific car accident after 25 years and you would like to be in a car, but you also know you just can not get in the thing yet. Not sure if this all makes sense or not. So you find reasons to sabotage a new relationship before it gets off the ground, or maybe the other party does not feel they are getting much from you. So its good to have some people who have Been there and done that and are still healing and learning to bounce things off of, its helped me really accept this thing and heal much faster I believe.

[bttrfly]

well the first thought i had when i read your post Cali was, "D@mn! Karma!"

I completely relate to the PTSD thing ... it's important to acknowledge where you are, and other guys who have been through it will be an immense source of support for you.

It won't always be this way. Now is the time for healing.

xoxoxo

[CaliGuy]

Thought I would update/journal a bit as I have a bit of time this morning.

So I will start off with ... I have become aware that when you have been involved in this MLC mess for awhile things you once would update/post become a bit more insignificant, similar to traffic signs on the street that you drive home on everyday, you see them, notice but really pay no mind. One such 'sign' if you will happened about 3 weeks ago, I picked up S and she made up a reason to ask me a trivial question about S's school/schedule which she gets emailed just as I do. Given the epic memory failure I did not pay it much attention however what did stand out was the eye contact and the 'Hello'. The contact has been as NC as one could be ... she usually is not even visible when I collect S for the past year since I moved out back in Feb16.

I have noticed the weekends she has S they have been up at her parents place .. a solid 2-3 hour drive which S complains its to long in the car (boredom hits hard on those car trips from my memories as a kid ... lol) I am not reading into it nor looking at this as a re-connection attempt with her family or anything but it is something different.

So this morning I get a call from her asking if its a good time to talk. She tells me she thinks S needs therapy ( This happens once every 4-6 months it seems) I asked why she felt he needed that (He is generally fine with me) and her reply was he was not himself and has been sad. I knew he was a bit upset as I dropped him off yesterday morning as this is the part of the 2 week cycle where I do not see him till Monday after school. During this crisis he and I have admittedly become very very close and GAL like no other on our weekends/days together.

So I did my best to drink the STFU smoothie as she projected her crap as his issues ... S wants a bigger house and all that comes with it .. family etc, he needs to see us communicate in a cordial matter and all the things she had to say. 17 minutes in all and she got a little emotional as she said "I don't want him to grow up and be a wreck" ... all of which I remained calm and did not bite at her attempts to start an argument so ended the call and she asked to speak on Sunday ... not completely sure why as we had settled things as far as I was concerned but this is MLC talk so I am assuming that call on Sunday will not happen.


So thats about the most contact I have had with her in sometime and I imagine she will run about her tunnels and pop out a bit later. Was a bit ironic as I have been in a deep reflection mode this week ... Tuesday watched the sunset after a bike ride, and again last night at the ball field I had the thoughts of ... 'Ya know I would not have wished this ever in my life but I am actually in a much better/healthier place .. life is very very good at the moment'

This leads me to the next part of where I am in my own journey ... I was watching a movie and towards the end there was a funeral .... the Pastor said we all get 2 dates on our headstone. The birthdate, and the date of our death. Those 2 numbers are of little significance, what really matters is that dash between them. Make that dash count. This really has been on my mind for like a month ... I am frequently asking myself "Am I making that dash count?" and there are alot of my days I can honestly say I am .. I am living .. really living and enjoying life and the crazy thing is, the only person I share it with is my son and I am at peace with that.

Make your dash count ... do not let their crisis wreck YOUR dash.

[bttrfly]

Hi Cali,
Thanks so much for the update. Mother's Day is looming, so ... out pop the MLCers ...
You're doing so well and you've worked so hard at this. It's so encouraging to me to read how detached and at peace you are. Gives me hope.

xoxoxo

[Sotto]

Hi Cali, pleased to hear how well you are doing. I'm on a similar timeline to you and coming up to the 3 year mark in July. I'm already D'd though - due to XH's rush to start a new life and family with OW!

I'm with you, in that I would never have wished for the journey, but in many ways it has done me so much good. Yes it was tough but..

It is good to see your reaction to and perspective on your W's behaviour. So many situations on here rumble along with the WAS/MLCer continuing on in their groove. Truly, it is so important to be in your own groove, watch from the sidelines and live your life. Being the man/woman you want to be..

I think if we do all of that, we really can't go too far wrong. For me, I really don't feel too much angst WRT XH and OW because I truly wouldn't want what they have. Ie: a R that started in infidelity, lies and deceit - it's not how I would want my life to be and I wouldn't want for my current relationship to have been 'born' in those circumstances...

Any ways - I always admire you Cali and I always read your posts because you always post something worth reading..

Have a lovely weekend!

[Irish M]

Hi Cali
Hope all is good and the weather is warming up in your area.
How did Mother's Day go for your MCLr. I'm sure you handled it with class

Irish

[mleigh4]

Hi Cali. Hope all is well with you and S.

[CaliGuy]

Wow .... had to go back and read my own thread a bit, hard to believe its been 2 months since I have updated ... I recall a time the updates were daily... MLCr sneezed, MLCr blinked, Mlcr wore new socks.

Well lets see, I have been pretty busy. I had to laugh at myself a little bit as I sat down this weekend after going out to a little party. Over the past few months I got a new tattoo, bought a truck, continue to ride the Harley as much as possible given the weather here has been amazing and it hit me, outside of a OW I would diagnose myself as having MLC with all these changes ... but then I realized I am not in crisis, I am just living life and still doing a good deal of mirror work. Something I am not so sure will ever stop as every time I improve I feel the rush to continue doing so.

As far as the MLCr goes ... there seems to be an increase in phone calls where as she could just as easily text or email. Seems to have started back around Mothers Day as I mentioned and continued. S talked to her last week and shared with me she was crying and did not share with him why. I Listened to him and showed some compassion but honestly didn't really give it much thought at the time. A few days later talking to a fiend as his Anniversary would coming up it hit me .. yup... Her crying was on our anniversary, the day went by without me even noticing though its always around Fathers Day and to be honest I could never really remember it even when we were actively married ... Bad Husband ...lol

Another head scratcher, S told me she picked out the Fathers day card and gift, the gift was a DVD ... to which I chuckled as S knows 'Dad' is an internet Pirate....."Argghhhh", I stream stuff that is in the theaters but as S was quick to point out .. it was a nice thing. The card perked my ears a bit ... said something about being an amazing role model, I am still not sure what struck me more, the wording of the card or the fact she went out and picked it up.

So with all that ^^ I have been really trying to live my life without the MLC glasses on to be honest. It helped me to understand how someone could annihilate 25+ years but now whats done is done. I thought the other day, I am so far removed from where I was and who I was at BD that this person and the person she showed me would not really have much in common. I say this from a place of indifference without much feeling. That advice I received about walking my own path and not worrying about where she is, she would have to catch up has come to fruition and honestly she would have to sprint for years to get to where I am and where I continue to push myself.

That said .... I think deep down I still want to have the option to make that decision, 'to R or not' .... I am of the 1-5% mind that it would happen but I find the idea of that would come with some closure that none of us ever really seem to achieve unless you actually do reconcile.

I have been doing a good deal of reading and listening to self improvement techniques which revolve around visulization and actively pursuing goals. This has helped my overall moods and energy, along with summer I just seem to have this everything is new and leading to something better feeling as I look forward to whatever it is may come.

I hope you all are well ... as always I pop in and read a bit

[mirage]

Cali,

Great update. Glad you are still improving yourself. I don't think that journey should ever stop.

I think you hit it on the head, I would describe my feeling toward my EXW as indifference. It just doesn't matter.

Your journey sounds awesome to me.

Mirage

[Gordie]

Cali,

Good for you! You are a great encouragement that life can go on well without w.

[bttrfly]

fantastic job Cali - great to hear from you! what a power of example you are! xoxoxo

[Irish M]

great update Cali,

your personal growth is your prize in all this. Also the strong relationship you have with your son.

Reading your post about the tattoo.. the truck.. Harley riding... i was getting worried. Glad to see you are enjoying life. That is the way it was meant to be.

thanks again for being here. You were and still are my strength i draw from this place.


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