So little bit more to add with the update from the other day.
I picked up S9 and after 4 days without seeing each other there is always a bit of catching up, wrestling, poking, wrestling and catching up while we settle back into the routine.
S9 wanted to ask a question ... was concerning him mother and the talk her and I had on the phone. I was like a deer in the headlight as I assumed she did this away from him prior to picking him up from school ... turns out he was in the other room but could hear most of her conversation, obviously heard his mother crying/hysterical so he was concerned and had questions.
I asked him specifically what he wanted to know ... and as per our agreement I did not lie to him and told him the truth ... I simply left out the suicide part but if he heard enough to ask the questions he did then he certainly heard that.
S9 did share as we talked that MLCr talked to her GF, then me, SIL, and then GF2 ...... no OM. Infact this whole past year no OM while she has had S9, nor has she talked to him on the phone in S's presence after I left and she talked to S9 about OM and S9 was open and honest that he did not like OM.
Nothing really changes for me... life continues as it has and I have found comfort and peace in the way I have gone about my life. Currently focused on paying off bills, expanding my business and just being better than I was yesterday.
Last edited by job; 01/25/1707:01 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
Cali, so sorry about your S9 overhearing his mother’s conversations. I’m glad you are a rock for him and that he can talk to you openly any time.
What can I say about your MLCer… She is still in the spin zone… I admire your determination about continuing with your life and providing the safe environment for your S9. One thing I wanted to mention for a while now… is about your plans to buy your own place. You said that you cannot do it until you are officially D'ed. But… if you are in Cali… you might have options here… I don’t know if in your situation (having a son under 18) you would have different rules. But… I after a few consultations with the attorneys, I purchased my own property (if you followed up with my thread) and H could not claim half of the share of it, since I could prove that we were separated at that time of my purchase. Cali, have you checked with the attorneys? I know that your goal is to get your own place. I think you can do it, even without being legally D’ed from your MLCer. Let me know what you think… I’m glad that your business (side gig) is doing well!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hi Cali! Seems as though you are doing as well as I expected! I'm so happy for you to have made your own space and making it your own. It is freeing... and a little different to build our lives to suite in our own way now, right? Like, we always kept a compromising-mind in play for so many years.
We have experienced many things in somewhat similar fashion, and are on somewhat similar timelines... and you have remained pretty status-quo, my bro... hanging tough and finding your way..
I read where you mentioned about mlcr not sharing the real stuff,the deep and dark w op... you know... that is actually something I think about, myself. I mean, I guess specifically, for example, when xfil passed... I wondered what xh shared with hww, and how his dad did the same to xh when he was a kid that he is doing... and how that really took hold of him... well, that among other things.
Like you, I got some insight when mlcr came back 'round... and shared things. What I gathered, was mlcr did not, in fact, show his real self to hww... and had no interest... and frequently made comments like, "she will never get it..."
No biggie... but just interesting... like you- I just find somethings experimentally interesting.... yet many things completely dis-interesting...
Glad you are well... glad your son is well
And yes... being alone can be so totally wonderful... and I don't think you can truly be happy with anyone until you reach that point. It is then that you never sell yourself short...
I'm inspired by how well you handled this delicate situation with your son. I have a kid that age and imagine will be keen enough to pickup and ask about these types of things in the future.
***
The thing about your story that makes me think is that I know my STBXW (gosh, I have referring to her that way) still comes to me with all sorts of questions/comments/situations about life for which she wants my attention and support...and how am I supposed to handle that going forward? Just listen and validate? Will that continue or just taper off over time?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I'm inspired by how well you handled this delicate situation with your son. I have a kid that age and imagine will be keen enough to pickup and ask about these types of things in the future.
***
The thing about your story that makes me think is that I know my STBXW (gosh, I have referring to her that way) still comes to me with all sorts of questions/comments/situations about life for which she wants my attention and support...and how am I supposed to handle that going forward? Just listen and validate? Will that continue or just taper off over time?
3 1/2 years later I had a hard time with the sbtx label also .. hence why you see me still use "MLCr"
I had similar ... early on I was always there, text messages and calls at all the hours of the day. Me thinking I would save her and my M I was always there for her ... honestly looking back I was WAY TO AVAILABLE. In a way as I progressed I distanced myself further and further till I felt I was detached. If it makes sense I kind of weened her off me, or more likely I also weened myself from her. Most here do have Codependent traits and I admittedly was one of them.
Really depends on you, if you can honestly listen and validate without expectations, staying within your own frame than yes I would recommend you do that. BUT ... big BUT ... you HAVE to be honest here, if you think by being nice and doing all this is going to get you something ... ehem.. EXPECTATIONS.. then use a bit more dark/dim/NC in things that regard anything other than the kids. She can not miss you if you aren't gone ... she can not work on her issues if you are in her face ... I do believe they must bottom out and I am not of the opinion they can do this with us still in the picture. My opinion of course ... I am not saying go out and chase Mustang Sally .... but do not sit out on the porch waiting in the rain either.
Find you .... that is really the secret of all this
Just thought I would update/Journal a touch ... seems like its been awhile.
The past 3 weeks there has been more exchanges/temp checks/anchor tests than I can recall in the past year combined almost. With my killer mindreading skillz I decided I just have no idea where this is all coming from, most likely a collection of things that she is going through and I am far from knowing any of that thankfully.
Little recap as I do take dillegent notes for my own snaity and in the art of tracking the MLC Science project.
3 Weeks ago a RARE call from MLCr sharing BIL3 lost his job and was talking suicide only to have a TM later sent she should not have told me.
2 Weeks ago TM dealing with S10 and how he was constipated... this was crazy as at that point of the text S10 had been with me for 3 days.
Last week MLCr shares that S10 released all his emotions and is having issues dealing with our pending D, he is 'torn and confused' and requires therapy. (Along with this were her sharing frustrations about the communication or the lack there of between her and I which I had not really picked up on as my main concern was S10, but re-reading the TM exchange the shots were there about my not being able to be in the same room with her for more than 5 minuets, how I am still angry .... typical projections) S10 is open with me, and as no kid wants his parents to D he does understand a bit of what is going on, only said mom was acting a bit cray that night as she was upset with BIL3. After a few days ... turns out S10 was not very talkative on the phone with BIL3 so that was how the MLCr diagnosed he requires therapy, since then no word of setting up an appointment.
This weekend was S10's Birthday party, first time I have really had to spend any amount of time in her presence, I was very calm and social with the other parents ... also made sure all the financials were inline with MLCr in a very kind way, even took all the presents to her car for her... thanked her via TM afterwards for setting up the party for S10.
All in all I have been reflecting a bit, my life is in a really good place ... personally I am involved in 2 sports that take up 2 days a week, my DJ gig has been amazing and the club has a very nice offer on the table that I will probably accept which will help me pay off a good number of items. Work has been going VERY well as we installed new equipment and expanded the shop. Every aspect of my life has improved ... even spiritually I feel God is guiding me, not sure where ... but I feel at peace and feel I am on the correct path.
The only 'hole' is the loss of family/wife which continues to be a void. Its not as sharp a pain ... discussing with my fellas in my group that is the common source of the 'mehs' at times, the loss of innocence, the loss of the partner you thought you would grow old with. Logically I have accepted this, emotionally at times it makes me pause, its not that it hurts as much but it does feel like there is just something off balance in my universe, I continue to grow and heal and have Faith God will make this all apparent to me in His timeline.
Thanks for the update...you are an inspiration for us all here.
Proverbs 3:5-6New American Standard Bible (NASB)
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding. 6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Great, inspiring update. When you say pending D, what does that mean? And when you have finalized D, will that change anything for you in terms of your situation with your W and son?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Great, inspiring update. When you say pending D, what does that mean? And when you have finalized D, will that change anything for you in terms of your situation with your W and son?
To save you the ample reading .... I have been on the D-ropes for it seems as long as this crisis has been going on. I was served finally by her lawyer back in Sep16 but have not heard a peep since ... supposedly I have a court appointment that was scheduled back then that should take place this week so I will attend that and hopefully know more .... not sure if its been post phoned, cancelled, forgotten .... hard telling with all the back and forth the MLCr historically has displayed.
When/if the D is finalized I do not anticipate anything changing in regards to my S, we have the custody thing pretty must situated with the exception that my drive to buy a condo will ramp up considerably but as I am doing now I still may have a year or tow to save/locate the correct place.
As far as the W/MLCr this financials may not be what she has been getting nor expecting, I decided long ago to give X with the fact that if D happens I will benefit financially from where I am now, this was in order to keep S10 in the school he is in with little MLC impact to his life as I can afford, part of the D settlement will be he continues at this school as planned till 8th grade then we will have to come to an agreement at that point. The only other thing I see changing is this will be that last strand that binds, for me changes little I really can consider what we have had over the past 3 years a marriage ... that takes two .. but for her as we have discussed not only in my thread but others, D sometimes is the last thing they need to have in order to complete their journey.... maybe this will be the thing that helps her through it I am not sure... time will tell, if I am ever approached for R ... like my approach has been ... I will deal with that when it comes, till then I strictly keep my focus on myself and my son, with just an wandering eye on her now and then just making sure I am ready to close the window or leave it cracked given the MLC gusts of nuts that do tend to be a part of this.
