3 Years post BD ... I did'nt die. :D

[Irish M]

Hi Cali
Merry Christmas

[SBJ]

Merry Christmas brother!!!

[mleigh4]

Hey Cali, Merry Christmas, I hope you had a good holiday with your S.

[CaliGuy]

Thank you everyone for the wishes .... I do hope 2017 brings you all peace.

Just journaling and a tiny update now that I have a free minute or so.

Work continues to consume me for the most part. I picked up an extra gig over the holidays, the way I looked at it was its better to be out doing a gig that pays than sitting around in the apartment twiddling fingers. I had S Christmas day, when I dropped him off a few days before that I had taken him out so he could get a gift for his mom .... now I did not buy her anything but felt its important to have him get her something even though I would pay for it, he found a gift and we tossed it into a gift bag and he gave that to her that morning I dropped him off. I could have easily not done this ... but trying to remain on the high road is what I would like to model for him ... so no big.
When I collected him Christmas morning I was surprised she did the same (However he confessed it was only after she found out about the gift... was a framed picture of S and Santa) ... not a shocker there but S seemed to see right through that and ask why she is 'like that' .. I just shrugged it off and we went about our day doing some of the new things we have done over the past couple years. Was a nice time.

A couple days ago she texted me, asking about the migraines she historically has had ... asking me if I could recall when they started/ started getting worse. Over the past month or so she has been dropping hints almost like she is temp checking me to see if I react about her health. Last month it was therapy for a herniated disc. This text she said that she is seeing a specialist who may think its Lupus or MS. Honestly I do not know .. I am no Dr and I will leave any diagnosis to them but I think its the constant exhaustion, fog, confusion that seems to come along with MLC. Again .. her crisis, her issue to get through at this point. She has historically reached out during her ill times as OM is not there apparently during these periods, her choice or his I am not sure but it has been the trend over the past 3 years.

I did realize this is the first non-child related text in about a year. I simply told her what I could recall and left it at that, high road again and felt that was the way to be. I do care about her and her health but have learned like MLC I can not fix any of it .... this is probably the hardest lesson for me from all this as I was a chronic fixer pre-BD.

Other than that not much to add ... no word on the D over 3 months since I had first been contacted from the lawyer .... again no matter as its not changing anything in my life at the moment.

Hope you all are well

[job]

Happy Holidays or should I say Pre-Happy New Year?

I'm glad you were able to have your S on Christmas Day for a while. You are a role model for your S and he knows that you are there for him no matter what. You are the stable one and he is starting to recognize that something's not entirely clicking for his mom at the moment. I think you handled his question about why she does what she did correctly.

MLC/Depression could have created a whole new set of health issues for your wife, but that is for her to figure out and get proper medical attention. I agree, temperature checking to see if you would react, i.e., means you give her the attention she needs as well as showing her that you are right where she left you. Interesting that the OM isn't around much when the health issues come to light.

It's very difficult for us fixers to drop the rope and not try to fix things for them. It's one of the hardest lessons to learn because it's one we can use daily w/others as well.

May the new year bring you peace and happiness. Enjoy the time you spend w/your S.

[CaliGuy]

Its been very busy so I thought I would just journal a little bit.

Work has been nuts, we are installing some new equipment and to make room it was best we did a complete re-org to become more efficient

I had S NewYears... he called at the normal time MLCr and she did not pick up, I was suprised how numb I have become with this, only felt bad for S but not my circus nor my monkey. We did not make it to 12 that night and I could have cared less, after 15 years of working them I was thrilled to be home on the couch. S and I woke up ealry and I took him to a new spot by the beach where he could Pokemon hunt and it gets me a solid walk in during that time ... win-win. I did not think about it till we got there but that was a hot spot back in the day for MLCr and I when we were younger and I actually smiled and shared a memory or two with S about his mom and I there. No pain or hurt but arrived to a place where I can look back at certain periods and smile.
The next day we went out and I bought a leather couch and recliner along with a entertainment center that goes with the table I have. This upset S a bit as I am getting rid of the old couches I have ... which we have had for a LONG time, I am not sure if he is holding onto them as a family memory or if its due to the dogs (would often be caught sleeping on them) ... but he was upset as I told him it was time to let them go. They are the last remaining items I have from the 'Old M'. He and I talked and I agreed he could keep a couple pillows if he liked and that seemed to smooth it over for him.
I am kinda stoked ... I decided to stay in the smaller place by the beach rather than move into a bigger place and the money I am saving I went ahead and invested into the couches, something I always wanted but the MLCr would have not agreed on. I also nuked all the dating apps off my phone, there are various reasons but the biggest one is the fact I am really feeling good just being myself. I have a busy schedule and have really embraced 'this life' and for the first time in a long time looking forward to this new year and what it will bring.

Hope you all are well ... I know its tough but hang in there there is peace around the corner!!

[mirage]

Cali,

Love your relationship with your son. It speaks volumes.

Mirage

[CaliGuy]

Its been some time since I have posted ... or updated as its been a very quiet year but just like Jaws with 3 barrels it was only time till she surfaced so there is finally something to share.

So just to set this up:
I work my gig on Thursday night till 2:00 a.m. then get into the office at 7:30 and get back home Friday and typically take a nap from 5-8 before I do the gig again Friday night. The money is good and its something I do enjoy though it is taxing at times.

Just as I am drifting off to sleep, my phone rings and its the MLC'r. First impulse was to let it go to voicemail then I realized with the rain, the time was about when she was picking up S9 maybe there was an accident with him, or prior and she could not get him so I reluctantly answered.

Her: "Cali?"
Me: "Yes" (Who else would it be ....lol)
Her: "Its me"
(I knew that ...caller ID and all)
Her: "Something happened"
Me: "Is (S9) ok?"
Her: "Oh yes yes he is fine I am parked outside the school can you talk?"
Me: "Yes what is it?"
Her "Something happened do you have a minute?"
Me: (Thinking ... ugh what is it .. she is pregnant) "Yes what is going on?"

Thing is I have not spoken to her about anything other than logistics for S9 in just about a year and those have all been text or email. I only see her physically maybe once a month during the every other Saturday exchange and half of those she is not in sight of the front door to her condo. The only exception of this was back in June when I suspect there was an OM break up (one of a dozen or so over this long crisis) and she spun for about 24 hours then the next day started up D talks once she realized I was not budging.

So short of the long of it. She shared that BIL was talking about committing suicide. I have 3 BIL's and assumed but then asked for confirmation that it was in fact BIL2 we were talking about. I was fighting the urge to graciously end this call as this is no longer my place, but I recall some thoughts/approaches I have discovered here and elsewhere that I treat her as a neighbor so I simply listened.

To my surprise she said it was BIL3, out of the entire family this guy has his act together (on the surface) more than the entire lot of the 5 of them. I was actually shocked as out of them all I always related/got along with him the best. She shared that with all the legal fees BIL2 had with his legal case which started 2011 (Also the trigger for her MLC) BIL3 had now found himself over $100,000 in debt and from what I could get out of her in between the hysterics, crying and sobbing he somehow involved his jobs financials in this and there could be some serious implications.

She said she did not know who else to talk to, did not want to call/tell me. I was calm and unphased really ... the dysfunction in this family that I once regarded and thought they were lock tight and amazing has eroded to a point I almost pity the lot of them. In 5-10 years this vessel has run aground ant they all have completely flipped and spun into self destruction. BIL1 is a mess but now looks to be managing the best. SIL1 is in and out of the mental hospital as is her husband while church friends watch the 2 kids as they sort out their issues (this is 6 years running) BIL2 is in prison for 20+ years (Over the same act that is the root of MLC'rs root issue, his incarceration triggered her memory and its been downhill since) BIL3 now in finacial ruin and possible legal issues has a hard road ... and my MLCr is the baby of the bunch and she is ... well in crisis.

I remained neighborly and asked if he has told his wife. MLCr said no, only she knows ... now myself. She did not know who to call/talk to about this (What ... no OM ... but I know she only shares the bright side with him if at all and he probably does not even know about BIL2 in prison .. mindreading but I do not think they share these dark secrets with the OP). I told her BIL3 needs to come clean and tell his wife as the burden he carries will only break him, he must share the load with his wife and they have to get through this together as a team ... till death do us part, for better or worse, for richer and poorer and this chapter is the poor/worse side of things ... .as I said this I almost smirked with the irony as I explained how holding secrets and telling half truths is the fastest wat to destroy trust and a marriage.

She was to consumed with emotions to apply this to our failed M which I was thankful for as it was not intended to be a shot in any way. She asked if she should call his wife and tell her, I quickly told her he confided in her and that would betray his trust in his sister, its his secret to tell not hers. She felt the urge to call him back and plead for him to talk to her, to get help as we discussed and quickly got off the phone.

An hour or so later I receive a TM "I should not have told you" to which I did not reply.

So this is about the only thing that has happened in my sitch in some time. The root dysfunction of this family has not left any of the 5 unscathed. As far as her reaching out ... I shared this with my fellas (All have been through this MLC crisis and are in various stages) and came aways with how I felt about this. I do not think it was an anchor check as much as I think she has simply ran out of people she could share this type of news with. Hard to be that person who is so happy and living it up and share the dark demons your family has spent so much effort to hide from the outer circles.

It did not make me spin nor really side track me, but I was kind of surprised she called at all looking for support from me over OM who I can honestly say I am not sure where/what that relation ship is currently. Again, not my circus nor monkey but just continuing to track this process for the sake of documentation, at this point I have no idea if we will ever divorce, (Have not heard anything since being served back in September) reconcile, (one failed attempt at that already) or option #3 (whatever that may be). Personally I like a few others have labeled it in the 5% chance category as I am not completely closed the door to it but I would need to see darn near a miracle and honestly take inventory of my life which I am currently content with at the moment, my side of the street is clean, peaceful and I do not allow Drama-Llamas to poo on my grass.

So thats about it ... we will see where things go from here, she texted me yesterday about S9's B-day party which was a quick cordial exchange and its now back to all quiet which I am thankful for.

Hope you all are well.

[SBJ]

Keeping you in my prayers...I hope things stay peaceful in your world.

I kind of felt the same way when my wife called and spewed to me about her sister last week. Just listen, say very little, and let her talk it thru. I felt like a MLC counselor. Only they can work thru it...right?

[Georgiabelle]

Cali,

I'm catching up a bit on one of my favorite posters. I think you handled the thing with x or stbx wife very well. I get the impression that you are a very calming and reassuring force for your S and although your stbx may be a bit nutty, I honestly belief we ultimately have to do what we think is right. And that may not be what the masses do. And that's okay.

I'm not sure if I missed something in regards to the dogs, but for me, animals bring me joy and peace. I can understand that your S might have a difficult time letting go of some things he found "comfort" in. Your S sounds like an awesome kid and you sound like a fantastic dad!

You are doing amazing. Hang in there! I will think of you when I go to Bon Jovi in a couple of weeks!