A WW? (5)

[ForGump]

FG, she is a SAHM. W thinks she can get a job paying six figures and work from 930-3:30 everyday.

OK, maybe you do have grounds for having her head examined.

I do find myself fearful that if she got some custody she would take my D and move. Either to OM or back to the city we lived in 8 years ago about 5 hrs away.

But you know that she can't do that willy-nilly, right? She needs to fight for the move in court.

[lt0402]

FG, she is a SAHM. W thinks she can get a job paying six figures and work from 930-3:30 everyday.

OK, maybe you do have grounds for having her head examined.

Appreciate the chuckle FG! Yeah, unsure how she rationally comes to that. She had a good job making that much pre D being born, but it was a ton more hours and I don't think she realizes how difficult things are in the work force right now.

I do find myself fearful that if she got some custody she would take my D and move. Either to OM or back to the city we lived in 8 years ago about 5 hrs away.

But you know that she can't do that willy-nilly, right? She needs to fight for the move in court.

Yep, I do know that, but still worry about it. My W has shown she is willing to do anything to get her way. I find myself worrying and planning for any and all tail risks I can visualize. It's tiring and frustrating.

Had IC this morning and it went well. He asked me at one point why I was continuing to fight and not giving up. Thought it an interesting question. Seems like a blend of things. First, and most important, it's the right thing to do. A stable family benefits all of us. Second, that stability is a massive benefit to my D, though using my D here seems like an excuse on my part. And third, there's probably still some fear of the unknown lurking under the surface. I don't think that's the driving motivator though, but I recognize it's still there to some degree.

IC thinks W is completely under the control of her emotions. Believes her saying I haven't made changes, but then turning around and saying she's angry for changes I've made, highlights her emotional and not rational state. He doesn't think she was being purposefully hurtful in her statement the other night about if I'd given space we wouldn't be in this situation. He does agree that it probably would not have made a difference at that point though.

IC recommended we not see the MC again. Said that my L may have some advice for a pure co-parenting advisor should we want to do that. I'll ask about that today.

Off to discuss options w/ the L. Really disliking my W today for forcing me to go in and hand over the stuff I have on OM to the Ls. I did try to pull up OM on FB this morning (first time since early Aug) and he has apparently blocked me from being able to search for him. Unsure what to read into that, but I'm not even going to try.

Trying to stay strong, but man this [censored]. Will be interested to get your thoughts after discussing w/ the L. Thanks as always everyone!

[ForGump]

She had a good job making that much pre D being born.

OK, so maybe the hours are a bit unrealistic, but the 6-figure salary part isn't. I respect anyone who can command a 6-figure salary.

He asked me at one point why I was continuing to fight.

Do you still love your W?

Giving up on a 2-parent family for your child is a big deal, IMHO. No more family vacations to see the Grand Canyon. No more Christmas dinners with everyone around the table. OK, yes, theoretically possible with very amicable divorced parents, but unlikely.

Really disliking my W today for forcing me to go in and hand over the stuff I have on OM to the Ls.

Why is she doing this? And by what legal means?

[lt0402]

Yep, W is a smart woman FG. One of the reasons I love her. We used to work together and that's how we met and started dating. She could build herself up to a decent career but she doesn't realize she can't do that and what she wants with D at the same time.

I still love the idea of my W for who she was and who she could be again. This version of W has determined me to be the enemy and I don't recognize who she has become. I feel compassion but not love for this version. Does that make sense? I'm not giving up, but she seems to have given up. I'll continue to fight but I think I'm reprioritizing custody and MR right now. Also, this path is not working so trying a different one may help. We will see.

I see what you are saying on W forcing me. I'm making the choice to do that. She has no input into that choice. I am doing it of my own free will in case I need to leverage it to stand for my daughter and what I believe to be best for her. But end of the day it's fully on me and I'm choosing to do it. Thank you for pointing that out FG. I'm completely in control of me. No excuses.

At my GAL but will post later about the L meeting today. Thanks all!

[ForGump]

My Q about OM was a real question. Didn't ask it to make a point. But glad it helped you think it through!

My W also has crazy unrealistic ideas about life after D ... but I don't think that will make much of a difference to her, even if she had a realistic idea. It's not rational. It's about what her heart craves, and she's willing to do whatever it takes to get it.

[lt0402]

Ha, sorry FG. Thought you were pointing out that I was laying blame for my actions on my W. I was, but not your question!

My W says she is doing this bc I broke too many promises, didn't listen to her and D, took them for granted, D wants her to leave me, they don't trust me, I'm not sincere in my apologies,I treated them horribly, and a few other things.

I believe it's a combination of pieces of most things above. Forgetfulness, too large of a focus on work and not home life, and conflict avoidance on my part + stonewalling on Ws part are probably closer to the real answers.

She says OM is not what I think it is. I've pressed her on what this means but she's never given me an answer. The only thing I can gather is that she's trying to tell me she doesn't want a relationship with OM and it's only physical. I'm not sure why that would make things different but she seems to think it does. She's seen OM 2x that I know of. They exchanged, and may still, messages in the thousands in July and August. My gut tells me the above is a lie but it is what it is. I can't control her.

As for the legal stuff, she's retained an L with our joint funds.

I have a hard time with the lies. It's all apparently been lies the past few months so I don't know what to trust from her. It leaves me unable to see how this is repairable. Sad really.

[lt0402]

GAL activity was good last night. Lost my pool match, but had a good time w/ my team there. Nice to get out of my own head for a bit.

Today was national walk to school day so D and I met up w/ about 100 kids and parents at the park near the house to hoof it to school. It was nice being outside at a time I'd normally be in work. D had fun too and wanted to chat pokemon the entire time. W loaded pokemon on her phone last night so her and D can do it as well. W did get upset with me this morning bc I didn't tell her D and I were doing the walk to school thing. I did tell her last week, but I guess she's choosing not to remember. Let it slide off and responded with "ok". I'll probably approach wife later and tell her we need a way to communicate this stuff as we don't currently talk. Thinking about putting a calendar together for us.

W pushing things w/ L now I guess. First the financial advisor question two days ago. Now she's asking for a contact at my attorney's office. Asked my L who's name I should give.

My own meeting w/ the L went well yesterday. L and I were in agreement that it makes sense to slam our own S and custody docs together. Provided my financials yesterday and am providing the other necessary documents by end of day today. We will hammer it out and provide it to W and Ls once it's done. Expressed to Ls again that my big concern is custody so we are putting together a plan for how I'd manage 50/50 w/ my D. I think back to the old A-Team shows and Hannibal, "I love it when a plan comes together...". Just wish this was a constructive instead of destructive plan we're working on, from a MR perspective. Fade, took your suggestions around the terms, hammered through them w/ the L and I/they agree w/ you.

Going to Ds tennis lesson tonight. Working on these docs in the meantime, though also more focused on work here. Hurricane headed our way, so we'll probably be house bound this weekend. Trapped in the house w/ a W who would rather you be out in the Hurricane is not something I'm looking forward to. Will spend a lot of time enjoying D though.

Back to paperwork...

[cheesyt]

LT0402 - bummer about the hurricane. It sounds like you're doing a lot better and are handling this S with the L well. You sound like you're in a good spot.

maybe you can talk your W into doing something outside just as hurricane is doing its thing -Ha! I'm kidding.

[ForGump]

Are you going to request a psychological evaluation as a part of the D? Anger management?

[lt0402]

LT0402 - bummer about the hurricane. It sounds like you're doing a lot better and are handling this S with the L well. You sound like you're in a good spot.

maybe you can talk your W into doing something outside just as hurricane is doing its thing -Ha! I'm kidding.

Yep, with the help of the IC, DB coach, and folks around here it's manageable most of the time. Some of the recent comments helped me frame the L discussion yesterday.

I'm afraid W may have that plan for me as well! We're a few hours inland from the storm, but will still get the wind and rain it looks like. Luckily we only have 1 large tree in our yard!

Are you going to request a psychological evaluation as a part of the D? Anger management?

Not sure yet FG. To be honest, I didn't ask about it yesterday, though I did share my thoughts on Ws controlling and anger issues. I'll ask the L if it makes sense as they put together the agreement.