W was upset that I'd want to change Ds routine. She said that we need to figure out S and custody situation before we change anything. I told her that changing who does Ds dinners and meds wouldn't matter to the routine. W was actually honest (I think) and said that it gives her a lot of anxiety to have to make that change right now to Ds routine. We agreed that I would do Ds food and meds on Sunday and start off with one night next week.
On the homework, W cried and said D is doing so awesome this year in school. I can't just come in and stress D out with changes. W says she's had massive anxiety over this bc she knows it will screw up Ds schoolwork. I told W that I have anxiety around the continuity D will need when we pull our family apart shortly. With D being split evenly between us, I would like to pull her down a similar homework path that W has to make the transition easier. I.e. I understand wholesale changes are not the best when you've just been told your parents are divorcing. W sat back and rationally thought about it and said she hadn't seen it from that viewpoint. We are going to start off with me helping on homework and dinner/meds next Monday.
W got into MC and my refusal to go back. She says we will not make any progress on fixing our issues to co-parent unless we do this. She said it was my idea to start and I'm just angry someone called me out on this being my fault. She said MC called me out for not accepting blame for this situation and I'm unwilling, as always, to accept and apologize for that blame.
I told W, and maybe this is wrong but I felt it had to be said, that I will not go back to MC bc it won't fix anything. The real issue is that W is making a choice to hold onto anger and resentment and until that's corrected we won't be able to communicate. MC with both of us won't solve that. I said that W should take MC up on her offer to be Ws IC. W brushed that off and said fine, we will just go to court and never talk to each other, etc. W said that I obviously don't care about her. My actions since April (the ever changing BD date) have shown I'm unwilling to fix myself and I have made no changes. Every change has been focused on myself and none have been focused on W and D. W said I have never accepted blame or genuinely apologized for things in the past.
W said that D this week told W that she wants us to live apart. For the first time, W said its bc D isn't happy with the fighting bt us. W said D is unhappy with the constant arguing and snapping. I told W those things only come from her side. She is making a choice to harbor that anger and resentment. She is making a choice to have confrontations. I told her that I walk away when she gets angry and combative because I will not allow her to speak to me like that and I am very cognizant it stresses D. I said I'm more than happy to talk, but I will not tolerate it.
W actually said that had I merely gone to a hotel in April for a week and given her the space she needed that we wouldn't be where we are right now. That had I done that and fixed my issues we would be fine now. I felt like I was looking at a lunatic at that point.
I stopped her there. I told her that was a very hurtful thing to say and that we both know that's not true. She sat there and stared into space. I then told her that ever since May, I've been working to improve me for D and myself. There was no way to fix W and I bc W was not open to it and continues to tell me she is not. But, I told her that for her to say I didn't care about her and D is ridiculous. (My slip up starts here). I told her I spent the past 4 months standing in the face of some pretty horrible things to defend our family and our M. If I didn't care then why would I have not just left. W still sat there staring into space. (My slip up ends here).
I then tell W that I will not push this thing forward but I won't stand in her way if she wants to leave. I tell her I still believe this is a horrible decision and is not the answer to our problems. But I tell her I accept that she's said there is no chance for R and I am continuing to work on D and me. I tell her I'm not working on W and I bc she has made it clear that's not what she wants.
I ask her when her Ls will have the papers ready. She says sometime this week. I tell her I am putting together house stuff that needs to get done to sell and expenses we need to look at cutting. I tell her we should sit down later in the week and discuss.
I tell W I would like D to see an IC. W says not until we tell her and only if she needs it. I tell W that once we tell D then she needs to see an IC. W says D will probably be ecstatic W and I are S. W says she would have been ecstatic if her parents had S when she was younger. Unsure how W believes she can lay her perception of things onto Ds experience. Drives me nuts.
Overall, an ok discussion. Her comments about the hotel and not caring obviously got to me. I felt those needed to be responded to, for better or worse.
W believes I'm unwilling to accept blame for my faults and am shirking responsibility for our issues. I believe it's just the opposite and she is unwilling or unable to see and address her faults. No need to hammer that home though. I know my issues and am working to fix them.
I wish W would see that IC. It would be a death knell for my M (not much of a chance now anyways) but I would like her to find happiness and contentment. If not for her, then for my D at least. I fear W will be an anchor on my D as they both get older. W really needs to get through her issues, similar to how I'm grinding through mine. Really wish she would try, if only for herself and D.
S and custody agreements are coming. W seems to think physical S fixes everything. I think she's in for a surprise when it does not. It's unfortunate, but unavoidable at this point I believe. Crazy train, ticket for one please....
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Sounds like one heck of a weekend ... stressful. Or at least I would be.
Why do you think your W seeing an IC (the old MC) would be a death knell for your M? I would think that your W working out her issues would make her a better spouse...?
(Still curious about the physiological evaluation mentioned above....)
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
FG, yeah, a bit of stress last night but nowhere near as bad as earlier in this thing. To be honest, it kind of rolls off now. The only thing that's got me cycling this morning is her comment about how if I'd given her space at the start of this thing we would be back together as a family. Fairly certain that was her trying to hurt me though.
The MC we went to see was extremely validating of my W and not me. Effectively we came out of there with me as the bad guy. I'm sure that if W used her as an IC she would validate Ws feelings and push her further away from our MR. With that said though, if it would help W to find peace then I would be for it. It really would be best for D if W could figure out and fix her issues.
I'm also a bit hazy on the psychological evaluation, but I'd assumed the purpose would be to evaluate W for controlling/anger issues. Effectively highlight that her having sole custody of D would not be beneficial for D. My interpretation, but am open to thoughts from others who have suggested.
CT, am going to read up on Dissoi logioi today. Will give you my thoughts a bit later. W was a business major in college, but always had a leaning towards journalism.
I really appreciate your comments CT. I do love my D and would do anything for her. Everything I do now is to better myself for hers and my benefit. Our R is so much stronger now than it was, and I realize that I truly have missed out by letting our R weaken over the past year before BD. That part makes me hurt, but I can control the trajectory of our R now and in the future. I'll never let that happen again. Thank you again for your kind words brother!
Only journaling for this morning is I went running early. Ws words around giving her space at the start of this weighed on me. I'm guessing that's what she wanted when she said it to me. Had a short cry because of it in the car on the way to work. But I'm choosing not to let it weigh on me.
Meet with the L tomorrow. Be interested in what they say. W mentioned that she's working hard to make the custody agreement so we have the same time we do now with D. I'm reading that to mean it will give her sole custody and I see D in the evenings b/t 630-830 at her place and get D every other weekend. Again, not ok w/ that. W even said that we probably will be in agreement this week. I'm sure that's not the case and I'm buckling down for some messiness w/ the custody piece. Guess we'll find out this week.
In a good place right now. Bracing for some fireworks around custody and S agreement. It's silly that W thinks I am party to the "arguments" occurring over every little thing in our house. That's her circus and I'll continue to address as appropriate. At this point, while I'd still be open to R, the thought is a lot less enticing to me. No way we could do it w/o W doing the work and I'm doubtful she ever will. Preparing to provide stability to my Ds life post W.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
FG, yeah, a bit of stress last night but nowhere near as bad as earlier in this thing. To be honest, it kind of rolls off now. The only thing that's got me cycling this morning is her comment about how if I'd given her space at the start of this thing we would be back together as a family. Fairly certain that was her trying to hurt me though.
It0402,
Yes, the comment is just WW bullsh*t. She's trying to continue to make a case against you; see how you screwed-up, yet again, by not giving her space at the appropriate time? Shame on you!
I'm also a bit hazy on the psychological evaluation
Oh... Sandi originally wrote "physiological" eval. Maybe she meant psychological and it was just a typo.
Either way, one side requiring the other to have a professional evaluation ... I imagine that will stir up a lot of anger. (Not saying what's right for your situation).
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
My guess is that either you will never get papers from your W (she's got it made right now), or if you do they will call for you to commit suicide. I told you before it is in your best interest to file first. You should have done so already. In a year you will be kicking yourself for dragging your feet.
When you see your L go ahead and instruct them to write-up papers ASAP. Or ask if you can do so yourself - in most states you can simply download them and fill them out. Then have your L review. It would be very much in your interest to get papers written up first because you do not want to negotiate from her initial salvo. That will put you on the back foot from the start.
Write up papers with a 50-50 custody split, joint custody, 50-50 financial split, 50-50 college expenses, but limited, and limited duration support payments. Something you can live with. When your W blows up and comes back with something absurd, then you bring out the threat to file under adultery grounds, force her out of the house, wipe out her half of any savings/equity she could get in litigation, and pay her absolutely zero support, and have her adultery as public record. And dont say a word about what evidence you do or do not have to prove adultery.
If she shows that to her L, he will push her to settle and take whatever support you offer. Settlement gives her half of savings and some support, fighting leaves her with debt and no support. Its like mutually assured destruction, except you can rebound financially and she probably cant, so you absolutely can and would push that button.
Finally, you really, really, really, really need to stop asking her for help with D, talking about fixing yourself, explaining yourself, apologizing or talking about separation. Its extremely aggravating to read because you are handing your W bullets. And trust me, she is saving them up to use on you.
doodler, I'm thinking along the same lines. This is a woman who has consistently tried to hurt me and lie to me over the past 5 months. Why would she act any differently right now.
FG, good question. I'd guess it's the spell checker rearing it's ugly head, but unsure. I agree it'd stir up a lot of mess w/ W if I did that. I picture mushroom clouds and people running for the hills in that scenario...pure doomsday...
Just got a text from W saying L is going to need a Financial Advisor to contact about financial stuff. Asking if I have someone I prefer or if I want W to pick one. Need to get clarity from her on what she's looking for. I'd of thought her L had a Financial Advisor they used to work through stuff like that. Guess not.
Weird day. This whole S and custody thing is starting to feel like a business deal. Digging through some pre and post BD stuff has my blood boiling, but am finding level quickly. IC tomorrow followed by L in the afternoon. I'll ask them how to proceed on the Financial Advisor stuff.
Thanks for hanging in there w/ me everyone. This has been a rollercoaster. I'm not sure how to feel w/ the S and custody stuff starting. If you'd asked me how I would feel at this point 2 months ago it would be nothing like I actually feel today. Guess we will see where this thing is going shortly.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Don't answer the financial advisor. Let it go. That's her problem. Instead use the delay time while she's waiting for an answer to do as Fade suggests and you file first. Don't help her hang you!
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
Re: "physiological evaluation" -- if your W had some medical condition that affects her ability be independent after the divorce, I don't see that being contentious. But yes, if you accuse her of "psychological" condition... then ... you've got mushroom clouds.
What is your W's plan for life after D? She is currently a SAHM, right? Is she working on getting a job?
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Fade and MV, I'm going to bring up all of the above with the L tomorrow. If worse comes to worse I'll just tear hers up and have my Ls write one. Fade, what you described is precisely my goal for agreements. Joint custody, 50/50 split, 50/50 finances, short term spousal support. going to discuss in more detail the adultery part with L tomorrow. I hope to not have to bring that into things but I won't do less than 50/50 custody of D. I am absolutely ready to push the thermonuclear button if necessary to get a fair split of D.
On the discussion with her last night, I know it was more in depth than it should have been. My gut told me I needed to tell her a couple things and I did. I knew it wouldn't help the situation but I felt I needed to speak my peace about her seeing an IC and her thoughts that I did not care. Don't really know why, just felt it had to be said.
I'll have our phone accounts seperated tomorrow so W can talk to OM to her hearts content. Funny thing is I haven't checked the account since she last went to see OM. fairly certain she has reverted back to FB to talk to OM as I surprised her by accident and she quickly flipped out of the messenger on there. Truthfully it hurt for a second and I wanted to go into detective mode but that feeling was fleeting. Let OM deal with her issues.
Fade and MV I'll let you know what L says tomorrow. I appreciate the push back on me. I'm trying to not file first so I can look my D in the eyes years from now and tell her I did everything I could go save our family. It may be that i need to break that vow in order to save D and me but lets see what L says tomorrow. Thank you both!!
FG, she is a SAHM. W thinks she can get a job paying six figures and work from 930-3:30 everyday. I've seen on our home pc that she's opened her resume, but I've no clue what she's doing with it. I do find myself fearful that if she got some custody she would take my D and move. Either to OM or back to the city we lived in 8 years ago about 5 hrs away. I really don't know how W will get by post D though. I'm expecting unlimited spousal support to be on her list for the agreement. We will see. W is doing room mother for ads school right now though. That's taking enough time that she can't do stuff at the house apparently. Can't make this stuff up.
Busy day tomorrow. IC in the am, L midday, and GAL tomorrow evening. Won't be able to run but will make up for it on Wed. Thanks everyone!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
