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job #2706577 09/26/16 11:40 AM
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roist Offline OP
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I would not go as far as to say I enjoyed myself. I had a better time than I thought I would. I met up with an old acquaintance so that was cool. Meal was good, the beer too. All free! Plus I negotiated a discount on my supplies. So loads of good points.

If your questions are to check if I am a mingler or kober, I am not the best mingler in the world, though sometimes I really do it well.

And yes, unfortunately or fortunately there is no rush. I have time!! Realising this is great to not pressure myself over it.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2706578 09/26/16 11:46 AM
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Kober should read loner.Haha


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2707355 09/30/16 12:25 AM
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I will do what I want to do, as I have learned from Cadet, but I was wondering what the good folks here in long long situations advise about my upcoming wedding anniversary.

My W has never vebalised to me, wanting to leave although has admitted being disconnected. Apart from kisses good morning, goodbye, hello and goodnight there are no physical signs of affection from her. She does not flinch if I make contact/touch. Communication is not as it should be or at least not all the time.For a couple in crisis it is not bad. OK that is a brief summary for those who havenot had a chance to read up on my situation.

Last year (not specifically planned),i flew home for a week alone on our anniversary. I left a card and pressie for her to find. She texted first happy anniversary.

This year again not planned we are all traveling home on our anniversary!As it is our 10th, it is or should have been somewhat special. Before the depth of this crisis was understood by me I had intended asking her to renew our vows either for our 20th year together (last year) or our 10th married.Obviously I have put such thoughts on hold.

Here is my question. What do you think of me asking her if she wants to do something to mark the occasion? I can do so with no expectations or hopes and can handle a bomb drop if she decides to drop one.

I got to go. I look forward to the wise words from ye all.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2707357 09/30/16 12:27 AM
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roist Offline OP
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I miss the edit button!! Last year W gave me a gift when I returned. Just to give ye all the info.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2707591 10/01/16 08:20 AM
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roist Offline OP
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Without dragging up everything about an inappropriate friend, I do have some journaling to do about yesterday. The short version of this story is that throughout my saga, this guy was present. At the beginning very much so but really rarely this last year. I watched this R closely and whereas inappropriate it didn't depass the limits of good friends.However it was my motivation to snap out of depression and want to save my M. ( you see being left behind does work, so DB should too..). I weathered that and it has been dormant for six months.

Now for yesterday.W told me she went to his new place for a tea. She did not have to tell me as I would not have known. I still didn't like it. I hesitated between saying nothing or something.The voices and opinions of this forum filled my head. I decided to speak my mind. I told her I didn't like her spending time alone with another man. She countered if my problem was in general or specifically this one. I said it was a general statement and yes especially about this one. When asked why I gave a few examples but kept them about her not him.

Just before deciding to say something my heart pounded as I potentially was starting a life changing conversation. I decided it would gnaw at me at prevent my sleeping so it was either get out of bed or say something.

My W implied that others have moved on from imagining things about this guy and moved on, including my friend. My friend divorced his w largely due to this guy and yes has moved on,with a girlfriend now.. Anyway I didn't want to argue about that so I said I wasn't saying about what went on, I said I didn't like it. She made a halfhearted comment that she would try to avoid seeing him alone, but wasn't going to tell him she couldn't meet if unless someone else there. I was not wanting to control her, so I just said we all can just choose what we do.

I left it at that, but W came back to me to state that he was a friend, and he was seeing someone. I already knew this as it is the ex wife of my friend!! I think W only found out yesterday.I did not ask who and it was not volunteered.

Knowing that I should probably have done nothing. At least for now. It is something to be brought up WHEN we reconcile. Haha. I didn't DO NOTHING and I didn't go down the boundary route. What should I have done?

Today things are a little strained but OK. Plus it is my sons birthday party. Yahoo. Was up at 6.30 with him as he had to be ready when his guests arrived.... at 14:30!! Went to sleep after 1 so tired. I was invited out this evening so I will be out tonight. I was looking forward to that but now I am wrecked.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2707613 10/01/16 10:26 AM
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Originally Posted By: roist
Here is my question. What do you think of me asking her if she wants to do something to mark the occasion?


Your wife is still in your home and bed. She kisses you and tells you about her friends. Tells you "Happy Anniversary" and gives you gifts. You hope to renew your marriage together. I don't understand why you wouldn't attempt to set up some kind of anniversary event/outing/celebration. It doesn't have to be big.

But don't just ask if she wants to do something, come up with a plan that you think she'd enjoy or at least be up for. Show her the possibilities of you two together.

Originally Posted By: roist
Now for yesterday.W told me she went to his new place for a tea. She did not have to tell me as I would not have known.


If she's telling you about him, that's a good sign. My W had male friends too, and often told me about them. I liked that she could do that, and liked knowing about them. I never wanted to blow that openness up, unless there truly was evidence that things were inappropriate. Just something to think about.

Quote:
Just before deciding to say something my heart pounded as I potentially was starting a life changing conversation. I decided it would gnaw at me at prevent my sleeping so it was either get out of bed or say something.


What were you fearing? Might want to look into that. Also, when your heart is pounding in fear is probably not a good time to enter into "life changing conversations", right?

Quote:
Knowing that I should probably have done nothing. At least for now. It is something to be brought up WHEN we reconcile. Haha. I didn't DO NOTHING and I didn't go down the boundary route. What should I have done?


Just keep being her husband and meeting her needs. Be the life partner she can always open up to and count on. Then she has little reason to reach out to OM to have her needs met. The rest will come in time. Not clock time, calendar time! grin


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Thank you FY.
. I will reply tomorrow but I wanted to say I appreciate your reply.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
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roist Offline OP
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Thanks again forever young. Here are my thoughts on what you said:

The younger FY probably understood my questioning as reading his posts, his doubts, his struggle I understand him. But you are right. I will do something.I have a few weeks to organise myself. I don't want to pursue TOO MUCH. But we are married and regardless of where we are she has never verbalised to me that she wanted out. Until one of us decides to do so I intend to maintain a certain minimum married behaviour including acknowledging our anniversary.

FY, I have just read another two of your threads and understand your stance on connection. You do seem to have been blessed with always having a certain connection/openness with W. I envy that.A year ago I went hell for leather to get proof of inappropriateness with the intention of confronting W and having proof it was at least an EA. I saw everything and apart from being her confident all was within the confines of a good/best friendship. This consumed me and eventually I decided to accept that that was all it was and think of other stuff. It is not as simple as that but I moved on and their friendship fizzled out.

To clarify my W and l were both at the house together at lunch time and she didn't mention she was going to meet him, nor did she mention it all evening. And she was uneasy when she mentioned it, as she always has. Whether that is her knowing it is not fully appropriate OR her fearing me not finding it appropriate (whoops what kind of an unreasonable H I am!!!)

I have been fairly consistent regarding this friend in that I never ask anything and do not discus any topics relating to him. I saw doing so was condoning their friendship and demonstrated acceptance/approval thereof. Am I missing out on an important means encouraging openness from W by doing this. Should I be more open to her talking about this friend? I would like peoples views on this please.

You asked what I feared. Well I feared the end of my M. I feared confrontation (I traditionally avoided confrontation). But I also feared feeling like a coward if I said nothing. I feared not being happy with myself. So I faced my fear and spoke up. I am happy to have done so in that it is consistent with the characteristics I am trying to instill in the new better me.

Part of me moving to the mlc side of the forum, was to seek out advice here on how to be a better lighthouse and more specifically how to tweak my role as H during this period.

The old me would be realing still, but I am not dwelling so much on recent events. Que sera sera. Whatever will be, will.be.

This morning on your thread "wild horses", I read where you listed the good and the bad of where you were at. I do the same at times but will do so here shortly to document where I am at and where my head is. I do appreciate that I have more than most folks here and still I complain!! Anyway I will develope this later in the week.

Just for the record, no apparent aftermath ensued and the interactions (good and bad) are still as before. W has not pulled further away at least. Life goes on obladi oblada.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2707903 10/03/16 10:08 AM
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I’m happy you were able to say what you felt you had to say, and now feel good about it. There’s a time for STFU but it’s not “always”. The fact that your comments didn’t blow things up and W didn’t pull away is a good sign. Maybe something to keep in mind and build on.

I’m looking forward to seeing your update on where you’re at.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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FY, thanks for your view. I don't know if I HAD to say it, but there is no harm in her realising I am.not afraid to say what I want and that whereas i am accepting a very limited R, I have limits to what I will accept.

It may be coincidence but there appears to be slightly better interactions in the last few days. Not world changing but noticeable.More conversation more openness and slightly closer position on the couch. There is still a good amount of poorer interactions, but still.

This incident was only one aspect of my weekend. My son had a birthday party at the house on Saturday.I went out with friends Saturday night. Plus on Sunday I worked on the boys bathroom that I am installing from.scratch for them. It is almost finished, so that will be cool for them. And me as I get to scratch another job off my list. Yeah.

I will post that update by the end of the week. Plus I will have finished your threads by then. 3 left, though I read those recent ones months ago. When finished I will have questions.

Best wishes.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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