What should I be doing (too little too late?)

[Coly23]

Really, your WW never goes grocery shopping! I thought everyone did a bit if grocery shopping! Do you think she did all these things before she married you and then you unconsciously allowed her to get away with not doing them because you are too efficient at running the household?

So many new experience for her when she has to live on her own....

[Coconut]

Really, your WW never goes grocery shopping! I thought everyone did a bit if grocery shopping! Do you think she did all these things before she married you and then you unconsciously allowed her to get away with not doing them because you are too efficient at running the household?

So many new experience for her when she has to live on her own....

Yeah, one of my faults was taking on too much of the responsibility... I didn't mind doing it, in fact I kind of enjoyed it, but it took that away from her... Oh well, live and learn.

[SH_]

SH, no worries.. your opinion was valid, as it was your opinion and you explained why you felt that way. I may have said more than I should have in my texts, so that may have muddied the waters.

I'll give a little more information as to why I did it by text. The first time she gave me snide remarks, my son was in his room about 20 feet from us, and the second time we were at work. Neither situation was one that I wanted to confront her face to face and create a scene. But I felt that it was important both times to know the reason that my actions were what they were, I want her to recognize that I am standing up for what I feel is fair and justified, and I don't want her to think I'm doing it because I'm upset or just want to be mean..

In either case, if we were alone I would have addressed my concerns face to face, but text was the best option I had in those situations. Prior to texting, my interactions with her in both instances, I stood firm, I did not mumble or cower, I said as much as I could without causing a scene and then walked away and ended the conversation. My text was just to make sure she knew the meaning of my actions (or in these cases, my inactions).

Also, as far as bickering back and forth, I don't do that with her, these two instances just happened to be back to back days.

In the instance of the dishes, they've been piling up for over a week, every day I see them and it bugs me.. But I don't go address it with her every day it bugs me, I simply do not do them for her. I would have never addressed it with her (or done them) had she not made comments to me under her breath. For me, the line was crossed when she tried to, in her own way, reprimand me for not helping with the dishes or straighten up the house.

So my suggestion to your friend would be not to argue with his WW constantly. He should identify the real issues, what really bothers him, and only address those big picture things.

For instance, my WW still never goes grocery shopping, but I'm not going to just stand by and watch my son go hungry because there's no food, so I go grocery shopping. But when I go, I only get the things him and I like, I don't buy the things for her that I used to. I don't harp on her about not going shopping, she just goes without the stuff she likes unless she goes.

Thank you Cnut.
Your insight will be valuable as I can share with my friend and provide support and hopefully help influence him to break the stalemate that is his R.
It really makes sense as you and sandi explain it.
Your reasons behind the texts also make sense.

Have a good evening.
I may bug you some more until I can get him in here to get this stuff straight from the horses mouth.....

[sandi2]

No apologies necessary. We all learn from each other. I only wanted to clarify something, and will use a quote from your post.

My friend argues with his WW about these types of things constantly and it just appears cheeseless to me, because they continue the same back and forth never making any ground...

.

Here's the points to remember: Do not argue with her! Do not get into "explaining", or getting too detailed. It is the H bringing the spotlight on her disrespectful attitude (or tone of voice, behavior, or whatever). He needs to limit his remarks to one time. If she responds and he responds to her response.........it goes too far and he gets into "explaining". He is not giving a sermon, he's making a statement (or very few statements) and then moving on. He doesn't allow an argument. It takes two people to argue.

I think it would be very easy to fall into that situation of calling out to the point of pettiness. B/c it is difficult for some LBH'S to know how to balance, choose his battles, or pick his hill to die on. If his W has always been disrespectful in their M, she may have to learn a new behavior. I would suggest he start with her showing respect to him in front of his children, and then others. Start with the biggest offenses, and when those have ended or been corrected, then he can approach the lesser ones.

[sandi2]

By limiting his marks to one time, I mean no back & forth.

[soundfx]

C-nut
I have read through most of your Sitch and can understand a lot of your feelings. I have a slightly different situation, in that I neglected my M and W. I have come to the conclusion that I bear a lot of the responsibility in my situation; don't get me wrong she has some too.

But on the fantasy aspect of your W with the FF and her A, I get it. My wife is also having an EA and I now think PA and it makes me so mad. I do want to go hurt this guy and the anger is unbearable, but I won't as I cannot be responsible for him or his family.

I don't know what else to say or have much other advise other then to say I get where you are at and where you are coming from. I just want to say I support you and your decisions.

I will keep following and chime in when I can.

[SH_]

No apologies necessary. We all learn from each other. I only wanted to clarify something, and will use a quote from your post.

My friend argues with his WW about these types of things constantly and it just appears cheeseless to me, because they continue the same back and forth never making any ground...

.

Here's the points to remember: Do not argue with her! Do not get into "explaining", or getting too detailed. It is the H bringing the spotlight on her disrespectful attitude (or tone of voice, behavior, or whatever). He needs to limit his remarks to one time. If she responds and he responds to her response.........it goes too far and he gets into "explaining". He is not giving a sermon, he's making a statement (or very few statements) and then moving on. He doesn't allow an argument. It takes two people to argue.

I think it would be very easy to fall into that situation of calling out to the point of pettiness. B/c it is difficult for some LBH'S to know how to balance, choose his battles, or pick his hill to die on. If his W has always been disrespectful in their M, she may have to learn a new behavior. I would suggest he start with her showing respect to him in front of his children, and then others. Start with the biggest offenses, and when those have ended or been corrected, then he can approach the lesser ones.

By limiting his marks to one time, I mean no back & forth.

Thank you sandi!!

This is very helpful and something I feel confident that i can share with my friend and he can understand it.

[Coconut]

So not much going on with WW, we continue to casually converse when in the same room together, but for the most part we only see each other in passing. I'm all set with my apartment, I take possession on Saturday (10/01), and I'm thinking I may move in that weekend.

I can feel a new wave coming on, I had a great weekend and am doing well, but I can feel a wave of sadness coming down on me. Each step forward seems to bring a new wave. Some, like finding an apt. I like / the thought of moving to the country / etc, bring me up and a wave of excitement comes on. But other times I feel like I'm going down the wave, like when I take the next step in selling, when I move closer to not living with son, etc, and it brings a wave of sadness.

I will say the waves are smaller, neither wave up or down brings me to extremes, I don't remember the last time I had a cry, so I would consider it healthy feelings.

That's really it, no real updates, just journaling and letting everyone know I'm doing ok.

RSG, if you stop by, I have been worried about you bud, I wish you'd just stop in and let us know you haven't done something stupid and your ok.

[Coconut]

with the sadness comes a desire to communicate with her.. Since we work together, we used to always IM each other on the office communicator, and I keep having to stop myself from IM'ng her today

Also, find my mind wandering, should I hug her on my way out the house when I move my stuff, it's been over two months since we've talked, much less touched, but I find myself wanting to know I have one last hug coming...

grrr, when does the next wave up come?

[SH_]

Brother....
I have nothing to say, except I understand the emotions that you are expressing here.....


We know the days will get better.
Stop and breath and feel the emotions........

A virtual man hug for you my friend.
(((Coconut)))