I got out to the fair today and spent about 2 1/2 hours just wandering around alone. It didn't feel as weird to be alone this time as it has in the past. I exchanged some Snapchats with D24 as I went around too so I wasn't quite alone. Lots of great exhibits and I was able to have one of my "guilty pleasures" - a "street dog" with sauerkraut for my lunch. I was a bit worried that I wasn't perhaps up to so much walking yet and did get a bit tired. I kept my chore list at home limited today because of that.
I don't know how superstitious everyone else is but I'm surprisingly so especially considering that by training and inclination I'm a mathematician and scientist. When W leaned across the table to drop the first bomb and knocked over the salt I was frantically trying to remember what shoulder to throw it over before I realized what she was saying. Part of this for me too is my routine. If my routines get messed up then I think that some sort of change is happening. Going to the fair was a big change in the routine today. The bake shop had a different clerk. I then did a bunch of my errands in a different order because that made sense. The radio station I usually listen to was playing stuff I didn't like, so I tried a new one that someone at the fair was promoting. The biggest thing was that there were no red roses at the florist today and the lady who usually serves me (potential NG - in an alternate future) wasn't there either. They'd had a big order for a funeral and had to use every single red rose they had in the shop. I was flattered that the clerk who was working knew that I'd be in and was so very apologetic that they couldn't have saved me my two roses. She said that they were counting them out individually to see if they could keep back my 2. I of course didn't make a big deal about it. I'm not sure why but I suspect I'm the source of much conversation at the flower shop. The rose on my dresser will survive for a few more days but the one on my desk was very done and I now have no rose there. After CT1118's posts in the last few days those roses are even more significant now.
This combined with my "W is about to come home" feeling I've been having for a couple of days bumps it up even more. Not to the level of being hope, but almost to the level of being a crumb. Silly nonsense I'm sure probably caused by my mind-reading turban being on the fritz. On the other hand part of my snooping / monitoring of W (I know - I know) is noticing if she's not been on Facebook Messenger for a significant time. She's been offline for quite a while today which makes me believe that she's spending the day with OM. I can "almost" deal with that dispassionately since it's just a mind-reading theory thing with no actual basis. There could be lots of great reasons why she's not been online. Being with OM has been an historical one.
A couple of other positive things today. I like to buy my honey from a local apiary. They've hired a new Mennonite girl who wouldn't look me in the eye when she served me so I chatted with her a bit about my chores for the day and commented about ironing and how it was like wood-working. She perked right up and we had a pleasant talk about the subject while she smiled and looked me in the eye. I love doing mouse-extermination. The other positive bit is that a couple of people in the village, one of who had been almost angry at me and another who had actually crossed the street to avoid me after W moved out were both pleasant to me today. That was nice, they were both good friends / neighbours before all of this. Not sure if this means that W's story is getting out or not but it's good to not be shunned.
One final bit of "AndrewP did good". Being as it is the last weekend of the month I have always done up the family budget on the Saturday. Historically W and I would go out for breakfast on the Sunday and go over how we did in the current month and adjust anything for the following month's budget. For the first two months that W was gone after doing the budget I wrote her an email telling her that but it would usually include some sort of begging / pleading from me. This month, I've done the changes - no message. I know she's still looking at the family budget and will occasionally make the oddest minor adjustments since I think she uses it as a guideline for her own independent financial activities. I don't know if she'll notice the lack of a letter or not.
Well - Time to go get my laundry off the line and put it away. Re-heated chili for supper probably with a can of beer and then perhaps some NetFlix before bed. Tomorrow if I'm up to it, gardening and grass cutting. I really need to start getting the storm windows up but that will probably be pushing it a bit too much. Not sure if I'll take myself out for breakfast or not. I spent a lot less than I planned at the fair so I have a bit of surplus.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Sounds like you had an interesting day today. I'm glad you made it to the fair and had a good time. You were very wise to keep your chore list limited because you are still recovering from being ill.
Well, you found someone to chat to about ironing. That's funny and yet nice. We have Mennonites and Amish in my area and they are very hard workers. What do you use the honey for? To put on toast or add to a cup of tea?
I would sit back and wait to see if your w contacts you about the budget. It's a nice 180 to sit back and see what she does this time around.
Dinner sounds delicious, but I don't know how the chili and beer will get along. LOL! Tomorrow is a new day and I wouldn't push it too much. Do a few things, take a break and then see how you feel.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
To be honest I have no expectation at all that W will contact me about the budget but then I've been wrong about so many things that it would be nice to be wrong about this too. Since she only uses it (I believe) as a reference for her own obligations and budgeting plus to keep an eye on me (mind reading!) I can't see her reaching out about it.
Speaking of 180s I think I've hit a significant point in my own journey. I'm not sure it's a good turn I took at the last fork in the road a week or so ago but at this point I'm somewhat comfortable with the choice I've made. Up to now I've struggled with detaching and separating myself from W. A lot of the reason why I was detaching (other than the good advice from here) was my expectation from BD1 on that "any day now" that she would forever leave my life. I've removed all of her stuff from our home office, both bathrooms, the MBR (except for some craft books at the back of a closet), the laundry room, the outside of the refrigerator (so many magnets and notes ...) and much of the kitchen. In some of the rooms I don't use there's still a lot of her "stuff" that could perhaps be tidied up but I'm not feeling any urges at all though to continue this process and continue purge her from my life like I did earlier. There are few reminders of her underfoot. A few pictures of us but that's about it. I can look at them most of the time and not feel pain or anger but instead feel affection. The stuff that W would want / need if she moves on is pretty much packed up except for 3 pieces of artwork which remain on the walls and the coats etc in the front-hall closet which would be easy for her to get to. I'm debating moving the stuff from the front porch into that closet. There should be lots of room for it.
One thing that is perhaps different in our sitch is that I believe that unlike many of us here if she did choose to ask for a D then I would let her go completely and move on alone without fighting it at all. I believe she is fully aware of this too. While I know that many people will continue to stand even after a D and in some cases after their spouse remarries, I don't see me doing that.
As I've written recently I now feel that she'll come back if only I am patient and continue to leave her alone. I also recognize that this may not happen too and like to believe that I'm prepared for that as well - perhaps better than for her coming back in fact. My earlier urges to find a NG have died down a bit as well but I do recognize that those urges are still there. I'm getting more comfortable living alone and being out in public by myself as well. There's still some awkwardness at times when encountering people who don't know about our sitch both in person and on Facebook and I just tap-dance around what I say. I'm starting to make plans a bit farther down the road as well and my focus at work while still not great has been improving.
Today I took our wedding photo out of my desk drawer in our home office and put it back on my desk. I think right now in my journey that I am healthy enough to have reminders of W and our MR around me just like I'm pretty much able to see what she's up to on Facebook without getting too wound up (watching myself on that one).
Is this the "right" path for me right now? I don't know but even though it's not a smooth path it seems to be leading out of the dark woods and not into them. My lighthouse has been built for a while now and the beacon is lit. Today is now exactly 200 days since BD1 when my world began to be destroyed. I think I've found most of the pieces of my soul and even though the glue isn't all that strong yet they're mostly back together.
Minor journaling - I had also noticed that the roses from W's grandmother's farm that we have planted in our back garden were still blooming so I clipped one of those for my desk. They are fragrant and beautiful with multiple blooms with a light yellow centre to the bloom.
I perhaps shouldn't have but the furnace came on this morning and the weather was just about perfect so I've put up my winter storm windows. This is a stressful task for me because I'm afraid of heights. The one upstairs front window is about 4'X5' and I use a rope and pulley attached to the ladder to hoist it into place. A completely calm day is required to do this safely. The outside of all windows in the house have now been washed which I usually do at the same time. I'm glad to get this job done even if it marks yet another mile-post in the year without my W.
I'm going to head out and go for a short walk after I post this as well. I know that I need to not over-tire myself but I'm fidgeting sitting. Afterwards I'll sit with the collected works of Jane Austen which I've just started. I've not read them before but I am a big fan of Patrick O'Brian and once read that his characters and Jane Austen's would get along well if they actually existed in real life. A good friend of D24's whose taste I respect is a huge Jane Austen fan which is encouraging me to give this author a try.
Early to bed tonight (put the electric blanket on the bed yesterday) and I hope to be able to give good focus to work this week. My copy of "The Little Prince" should arrive early in the week. I think I need to set aside a special evening for reading it complete with a bottle of nice wine (picked up 2 Merlot I've not tried before yesterday) and a big box of tissues.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Well, you found someone to chat to about ironing. That's funny and yet nice. We have Mennonites and Amish in my area and they are very hard workers. What do you use the honey for? To put on toast or add to a cup of tea?
job - Having grown up around the Amish gives a very different perspective than you might have from the "outside". Most of them yes are very hard workers and there is a lot of variation from colony to colony. When doing business with them you want to make sure you are on your toes. There are a few unscrupulous ones around who will for example pass off commercial produce as home grown or other sorts of things. I remember having to go with my Mother once because there was a deal she was working on but the men wouldn't talk business to a woman.
When I saw that little mouse at the honey store I couldn't help myself and dug for a topic that I thought she would find interesting and was pleased that the mouse was chased out at least for a minute. Many Amish women are actually quite strong people but this young lass was maybe lacking confidence around men especially one who was an outsider. Not sure it's a flaw or not but I believe that women while they need to be cherished and appreciated should never be in a position where they feel like or are treated as being less than men. If I can do something to make any woman feel a bit special and appreciated I've always gone out of my way to do it. Around my own W it was just a matter of course for me to compliment her, to ask for her advice on things and to treat her with respect and courtesy. I see how some other men treat their wives and just shake my head in wonder and disgust. On the other hand, they're still married and I'm not - who can say who is right? I can't see me changing to take any woman for granted or to treat them with any disrespect though. It would just be foreign to who I am and how I was raised.
Honey is a versatile sweetener. I don't put it on toast but try to have a spoonful every day either in my tea or on my porridge. Pre W I would bake biscuits and make pancakes regularly for myself. I would use honey for a touch of sweetness there as well. I don't do baking these days because that's a lot of carbs for one middle-aged guy. In my 20s eating a whole batch of biscuits was something I could handle but not now.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I like what I've read of your two postings today. You sound well grounded and stronger than in the past. Roses are so beautiful and smell so lovely and they do add a hint of the garden in the home when they are cut and placed in a vase to look at.
Oh, boy, you aren't tell me anything new about the Amish. They can be some very shrewd business people. They may not have a high school education, but they sure do know all about money and how to make it. LOL! In my area, they've gotten a wee bit better when it comes to the men talking business to women. Yes, the women are very strong and can work like dogs for hours on end in those long dresses and aprons.
It was very nice of you to talk to the shy "mouse". When they are young, they are taught to stand back and allow the men to discuss the business at hand. She'll get more confidence as she ages. You made her day in many ways!
Andrew, you have so much to be proud of you. You've got a good attitude and I sincerely hope that your w comes to her senses and realizes what she's going to lose if she continues down the Yellow Brick Road.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I feel guilty posting here when there's nothing to post about. I'm on my lunch break right now back in my regular office for the first time in a week. A number of my colleagues are away so it's very quiet. A good friend who has been a great help to me - a fiery Latin originally from Guatemala is around and we chatted a bit this morning about some of the troubles in Latin America and the treaty being signed in Columbia. I wanted to talk about my sitch a bit but can't find any words and it's polite to listen instead of talking all the time.
My health seems almost back to normal although I still have some tightness in my chest - could be stress though. Even though I'm not getting wrapped up in revolving thoughts, W and my sitch is very much at the front of my mind - which is why I came here to write. Still silence from W. Today though I'm feeling frustrated and pessimistic. The urge to "stir the pot" is strong and I will confess that yesterday I posted a picture on Facebook of my fresh rose which included our wedding picture on my desk (the two sit side-by-side with my sculpture of Don Quixote) to do a bit of stirring. I know better than to do anything more direct and perhaps should have moved the picture out of shot or not even posted anything but I am sure that everyone reading can understand my frustration. Much better than what my heart wants me to do which is to go to her and beg her to come home again. I would hate to think that after all this time and pain that she would end up going to OM (or OM2) etc but I know that is a possible outcome as is her continuing to live on her own indefinately. I presume / speculate that the A is still on-going and that nothing has changed for her. The picture was well received by my FB friends and the wedding photo was noticed and a neutral comment made by a mutual friend of W and I - the lady who runs the bake shop who has been very kind to me.
I've written and re-written a paragraph here about 5 times. Each time struggling to get out from my mind and onto the page the fears and conflicts that I'm struggling with today along with the totally trivial bits of information that yes, I still cling to and analyze. None of it was meaningful.
PS - job - thank you for your kind words yesterday. I too hope that W will turn back toward me recognizing the value that we had together. It will be a long and difficult path for her I am sure because she must know that she would also have to turn away from OM and admit that she has made a mistake to herself and she has to do that alone because she doesn't have a community around her like I do. I'm not even sure how many friends that were with her at the start of her trip are still with her and how they would be pushing / pulling her. I expect her brother and sister to still be pushing her away from me. As always though I need to acknowledge that I have no information and no clue on what is really happening.
I'm glad I wrote this today though. Struggling with my thoughts and worries and getting them out (and then re-written 5 times) has helped with my frustration. I think I need to add to my own toolbox the knowledge that her journey is much tougher than my own.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
This is your safe place to journal. Why feel guilty for posting when you have nothing to report? You can always post about what you are doing w/your life. That's truly what is important right now...taking care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Journal away... I have found personally that journalling has helped although often do it in private and sometimes more often directed as if I'm talking to my W. It helps me express my true feelings to her at that point in time.
Interesting you still have a wedding photo on your desk... I too have mine along with some others, one of the family and some of when we were dating. I took them off for about a month and stuck them in the drawer but felt guilty or that they were missing so they resurfaced.
I know for a fact she has none in her office, when she switched jobs a year ago they all ended up in the home office. No surprise there...
We have ups and downs, it's amazing the type of roller coaster we are on.
Me: 40 W: 45 T: 13, M: 11 1 D: 9
Suspect A 6/15 ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16 EA/PA Discovered 3/16 EA admitted 3/16 W Moved out 4/16 W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
Thanks for stopping by job and PacLove and for the encouraging words.
PacLove - I had the photos in a desk drawer for about a month or so after W moved out. At that time I was living in a fear/expectation that she was going to move in with OM or tell me that she was never coming home. Instead - silence.
It's perhaps not obvious from my posts but I've been feeling "on edge" lately. There's probably no valid reason for it but it's the case. The feeling built up to a bit of a crescendo this morning to where I desperately wanted to contact W and beg her to come home.
I didn't.
I decided instead to do a 180. I've always been active - perhaps too active on Facebook and SnapChat. I know that W has been monitoring me at least on SnapChat and I presume was doing like I was to her on Facebook - looking through what's been posted and trying to mind-read what's going on. I've decided to try to take a break and go dark. I've logged out of Facebook this morning and hope to not log back in for at least a week - I'll see how long I can hold out for. I'd originally thought of just not posting anything but the temptation is too strong when I'm scrolling through the feeds.
I will freely confess that this is an experiment to see if W notices and pops her head up. To date she's not really had to make much of an effort to keep an eye on me, I was always in front of her on Facebook and when she went out of her way on SnapChat (I never sent her anything but she followed my story).
I had spent some time yesterday evening re-reading everything that I've sent her in text or email and everything I've sent S22/D24. I think there were 5 text messages and about 3 emails to W since she moved out. Most of them were of an FYI nature. In them though there was more than enough indication that I loved her and that she would be welcome home. As people like job and others have written - she knows this information and reinforcing it I've been told would do more harm than good. In the regular letters I've sent S22/D24 I've also told them that I want W to come home, partly to reassure them and to be honest, in part so that if the topic ever comes up between them and W so that they can reinforce that message. I needed to reassure myself that I've already done all I reasonably can to let her know that I want her to come home.
No 2X4s on this next bit that could be considered mind-reading / speculation please.
On the one hand I worry about her getting comfortable with her "single life", dating OM and waiting out the clock so that she can file a "no fault" D. I also worry that the more time she spends with OM with me being shut out of her life the more chance there is for that R to deepen.
Are these valid worries? I don't know. Frankly I don't even know how much if any time she's spending with OM these days. I'd like to presume that she's suffering from depression and guilt and is still struggling to find her path. She's told people (including S22/D24) that she left because she was "unhappy" but couldn't identify what she was "unhappy" about. She's never mentioned D even when she was on top of the world in June or in April after BD2 when she started being more blatant about the A to me so that tells me that at that point at least that she was leaving the option for herself of coming back.
So - I need to find other activities to deflect my attention / time that used to be occupied with Facebook. I've started the complete works of Jane Austen, have lots of radio plays and news sources.
Journaling ends.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
You were most definitely honest. I won't 2x4 you, although it all kid of needs it:)
I think the social media break idea is GREAT! Not for the reasons you are employing it, though. You are totally temp checking her and trying to reel her in. Do it because you don't want to torture yourself with mind reading. Leave it at that. I have taken breaks before which was very difficult, yet very cleansing. Difficult because I am a mom of a young one and when she goes to bed, it's my adult interaction. It keeps me engaged with the rest of the world. But hey, I took some time to get out more.
Do you get out? Reading is great. Radio is great. But do you have guy friends? If not, maybe join a club or activity where you interact with others. Spending time engaged in an actual social activity keeps me off my phone and social media totally.
