MLCW, Divorce is Started

[bttrfly]

did you ever read The Art of Raising A Puppy by the Monks of New Skeet?

I think it applies to kids and MLC spouses ...

just a suggestion.


There was this bit of fluff movie, Sandra Dee and Bobby Darin: "If a Man Answers" I think it was ... The mom advises the bride to read a book about training the family dog ... you get the idea. Worth a watch tho ... very funny movie ... I think it won a Golden Globe or something...

xoxoxo
(p.s. thanks for dropping by my thread! haven't seen silver linings play book but will see if it's on netflix)

[bttrfly]

Wet,
Just finished watching Silver Linings ... great movie. First time I've ever rooted for the Eagles, lol. Thanks for the recommendation! xoxoxoxo

[ciluzen]

Now I need to watch Silver Linings. I kinda caught it on one of those paid channel pre-view weekends and only saw the last half. I'm intrigued.

Teenagers are at that fun stage in life where they crave your attention AND their independence. I remember the whiplash I would get from having hugs and advice I initiated shrugged off with irritation, only to have them ask for help and a cuddle minutes later. Add in the anger and confusion of two people they love together parting ways...ultimate pain, confusion and anger bunnies being fed daily.

I agree to DB...not by LRT, but by giving some space and OFFERRING loving gestures (like a good, healthy dinner), caring words, interest in what he thinks about things. You may get nada back (independence in his mind), but it does plant a seed. "How was your day" or "what good things happened" are good, but also try mentioning a news event or something that happened at your work and asking what he thinks about it. He wants to be an adult, but also still wants to find the safety and security of still being your child. Your way of handling dinner and his (I'm going to just go ahead and say purposeful) assertion of "power" (tardiness and not eating much) by being patient and light was just good DBing. Keep it up!

Keep up the Friday Lawyer jokes, Wet. After my mediation Monday, I think both of my and H's Ls were walking, talking versions of two different jokes.

[kat727]

Just dropping by. I wanted to see how you are doing. Just remember the way your son is acting isn't about you, it is about him. He ahs a lot to work through. Just keep being his rock.

kat

[Irish M]

I agree with Kat
Teens have it hard enough with hormornal changes, stress, pressure, figuring out who they are and throw a MLC mom or dad in the mix. We can't imagine what's spinning in their heads.

They havent developed empathy yet and rebel against everything that is unsure to them. Some teens have it all. Happy families. Loads of friends, loving parents and great grades. Most have it tough. Low Self image, bad friends, can't grasp school or not liking school at all. Parents that do nott respect each other and are seperated showing their kids how to behave.

Just show your S love and patience. Give space but also give support. You don't want him bottling himself up. If he talks about his feeling don't make suggestions for him in the beggining . Let him talk and you listen. And no 101 questions lol teens hate that. Remember MLC'rs are teens so the same rules apply to your true teens. Questioning is a no no
As he opens up and doesn't feel judged or you don't give him all the answers in a way he's being told what to do he will open up more and more and the closer you will become.

Not easy I know but you are doing great

Irish

[Wet]

Wow, thanks everyone for your help. Let me take a little time to go thru your comments.

Ok Ciluzen, here is my Friday Lawyer Joke :

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An newly anointed angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked her dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[Wet]

I had a double set-back yesterday.

S15 promised me that he would stay thru the weekend. I also agreed to pay him if he would do a good job cleaning up. But as soon as he came back to the apartment after Friday classes, I asked him how his math quiz went. "I don't know." I asked how his acting test went "it was only about terminology". So did you know your stuff? "I don't know."

He then said drive me back to mom's. I looked at him like he was kidding. But he wasn't. I asked him, "you said you were staying thru the weekend?" And he started his oft repeated line - "But you made me change schools, and I don't know anyone here." I was flustered and I told him "A person of character keeps his word. Aren't you a person of character?"

S15's sister drove him back to ExW's. Oh yeah, he didn't clean up.

So I was down that s15 left. What did I do? Did I pick myself up, go exercise? Call a friend? Or go volunteer somewhere?

No, I grabbed a beer and went thru the old love letters ExW and gave to each other early on in our R. I had lunch with my Mom on Thursday, and she asked me to remove a couple of boxes I had stored at her place. The old love letters were there. Yes, reading them re-opened an old wound.

But it helped me remember that we had real love. There was joy. There was excitement. ExW listed 20+ things that she really loved about me. There were promises of faithful love forever. I miss who we both were back then.

There was also a really kind letter from an aunt who has now passed. This was a card she sent while we were waiting to adopt d22. One of her lines was very touching:

"Faith is the bird that sees the light and sings while the dawn is still dark."

I love that. I have faith and hope that one day I can find another R that will give me a different, but still special love with another woman.

[bttrfly]

Wet, love the line from your Auntie ... sorry this was a sub-optimal weekend

I'm glad that you feel faith and hope. It will happen for you, because of your ability to stay open. You're a great guy and a loving father. I especially respect that you aren't one who rushes to replace what was lost without really allowing yourself to heal first. You give me hope also.

{{{ hugs }}}

now go watch if a man answers and read the art of raising a puppy, lol

[kat727]

I hope you can see the game your son is playing even if he doesn't know that he is playing it. Wants to guilt you about making him change schools. Don't sweat that, he did that himself with the trouble he got into.

Plays you off of his Mom. I bet she and new hubby weren't happy to have him home when he was supposed to be gone. He won't be all that happy to be there but is trying to send his pain to you. This is a choice he made.

I think it is so much better he learn this lesson now. You make a choice, something happens. Sometimes it is a great thing and other times, it brings nothing but trouble. He has to learn to make good choices and for the right reasons. He isn't doing that now. He is hurting. Is he seeing a counselor? It might speed along his healing.

Hugs, kat

[Wet]

Thank you bttrfly and Kat. You guys give me "hope" that I can get thru this. And find someone as great as you guys!

I am driving s15 to school this week. he's been fine. But I am staying on top of what he is studying at school. And when I brought up his studying metric conversions, he gets angry raises his voice and tells me his homework is done.

I smile. I know he is doing this bc he is in pain with a situation out of his control. I tell him gently that there is no reason to raise his voice with me. It calms him down this time.

Ok, one more weird thing. Last weekend I read our old love letters. I also went thru d22's adoption file I've kept (she was adopted from Delhi, India). I read the report that her birth mother was not going to let d22 live after she was born :o, but the doctor was the one who convinced her to put newborn d22 on the steps of an orphanage. The doctor said he did this bc the baby was so beautiful.

I see God's hand so clearly bringing her to our family. D22 is so special, and yes, I have made sure she knows this.

With this roil of emotions, I was watching a movie and I just started weeping. I haven't done this in a while. I hope these tears are tears of healing.