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(((((Phoebe))))), no reason to worry. Things are very calm and stable. I work my 2 (sometimes 3!) parttime jobs, go to choir practice, try to catch up with everything else in my life (socializing, taking care of the pets, exploring new job opportunies, signing up for college, and painting).

I have promised to contribute two paintings to a gallery night in October at my studio collective. I have one ready and another just needs a couple of hours' work, so it won't be stressful.

Every week, I see my IC. Divorce Care group starts in the end of September. I'm feeling pretty good (perhaps due to some of my socializing).


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,081
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I am so glad to hear this, Painter. smile

Calm and stable = gold these days. Maybe I should sign up for a local Divorce Care group. Back when I was so desperate for support, I couldn't find a group, but now that they are starting up again, I'm not sure that I am at a point where it will help me any more.

Shrug.

(((((Painter)))))


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
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I have been thinking about a divorce care group.
You will have to let me know your thoughts on your experience.

It is good to see you in a calm place Painter.

What kind of paintings do you do?
That sounds very cool having them in galleries and all.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
SH_ #2706435 09/25/16 12:29 PM
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Sorry to hijack.

I attended Divorce Care. I found the material very basic and a little condescending. I really liked the people and continue to pray for them everyday.

I will share one more thought. Some other research I did (from a Christian perspective) suggested that all divorce support groups should not be mixed genders. I know that for most churches that would be impractical - but it's worth thinking about.

I know my group got hung up a little on gender issues.

Food for thought

Bigy.


M:50
W:53
MR:20
D:21
S:17
S:11
BD-Sept 2015
Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015
Actually EA
In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016
W moved out:May 22 2016
OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
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SH, I paint in oil - figurative, landscapes and figures. I've only painted for a few years but it is such a wonderful experience that I got hooked right away. When you paint, you can't think of anything else, so it's a mindful meditation where you focus on what you do instead of on your breath.

I went to one DC meeting in the spring, but they just ended when I found them in May. I got the book and looked at it, figured I will go through it to take what I can from it and meet other people in the same situation.

I wish it wasn't so exclusively Christian, but more inclusive of people of other faiths or no faith.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 563
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Are there similar programs (to Divorce care) in your area that are not Faith based? You would think that the demand for a secular version would be high. I know that not all of the people in my Divorce care group were not necessarily believers. I don't think they got any more or less out of it.

Maybe you could start your own?


M:50
W:53
MR:20
D:21
S:17
S:11
BD-Sept 2015
Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015
Actually EA
In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016
W moved out:May 22 2016
OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,081
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I've looked for a more secular alternative to DivorceCare and not had much luck, bigybiz, at least not locally in my neck of the woods. frown I would also very much welcome an alternative.

The only other thing that I have attended is a local meetUp group linked to the Beyond Affairs Network. IT's not really the same at all, but at least it's a few people with something in common. Unfortunately, the local group has only met three times since May, so it's not been an awful lot of help... And the most we've ever had was 6 people, the other meetings had only 3, so sparse about covers it.

Painter, I like hearing about your painting. More, please?

(((((Painter)))))


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,450
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I haven't found any other DC programs here. It's not as intense in the meetings as it in the book, and I didn't experience any attempts to recruit me to their church when I was there.

Phoebe, if you are looking for a creative outlet to take your mind off your worries for a while, drawing and painting has been wonderful for me. It requires you to look and observe more intensely than you've ever done before, and stay quiet and concentrated, in order to depict what you see. It's also a fun process to become familiar with the materials - working hard at playing. Proper materials are important to get good results - although I've seen a wonderful painting where the artist used sticks instead of brushes (it was a bet).

It's the creative process just as much as the result that is so rewarding. And the supportive environment; wonderful people who share freely.

I focus on landscapes and more recently, portraits. Sometimes I do stuff that I'm surprised over myself. I guess I'm starting to get a little skill. smile


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,081
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Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,081
I've always wished that I had taken some kind of art classes over time. The last one I had was in 8th grade, and I always kind of thought that I'd get a chance to take a class in drawing or something when I was in college. Well, no such luck on that front. My schooling offered zero opportunity for a relaxed introduction to art. It was either full on studio or nothing. So... nothing, because I wasn't able to devote that kind of time to any novice ambitions I might have had.

Many times since, however, I have wished that I could take a drawing class. Maybe when things settle down a bit for me in the legal department I will start looking into some kind of classes. Maybe drawing, but at this point I'd be satisfied with even a quilting class... something to get me working with my hands on a non-hammer/non-saw level again. (Not that I don't thoroughly enjoy that kind of hand work, too, ut I also like things I can do indoors on a winer evening!)

I used to love embroidery, but I haven't done any in ages. I have been known to sew and quilt, appliqué, knit and stamp. All those have fallen by the wayside in favor of building my social network, animal care responsibilities, exercising and spending time outdoors. And I'm still not even working yet! It's like there aren't enough hours in the day any more to care for myself in all the myriad ways that I need to do so.

Eventually I know that everything will get sorted out. Until then, I should look into what's available.

Thank you for sharing, Painter. smile


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,450
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Painter Offline OP
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Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,450
Phoebe, go for it! There's no investment to speak of for a drawing class, and you'll find out if you love it or not. And the skills will help you with any other creative activity.

A little update on me:

I'm very busy with many things, so much that I get too tired and overwhelmed at times. I have some health issues that are sensitive to overdoing it, so I have to be a little careful.

I have several part-time jobs, and I may have to let one go. I'm working on deciding on what to follow up on and what to let go. Unfortunately, the one I would like to do the most is the one I have least business from...

I go to Divorce Care and IC weekly. The first DC meeting was nice. I felt others in the class were much more raw than me, but I got some really helpful points from the video we watched.

They talked about how uncertainty causes a lot of the stress we feel, and that even if the M was unhealthy, it was predictably unhealthy so it still felt secure.

Also, when we question ourselves how we can still love someone who treated us so poorly, remember that years of love doesn't just go away. It's like when a child misbehaves, you don't stop loving them.

It was also mentioned that 80% of our energy is spent on dealing with emotional upheaval, so to be understanding with ourselves when we are tired and don't function well, for instance at work.

When I told my story (round table introduction in the beginning), I had very few feelings except some embarassment over being affiliated with the soap opera that WH has created. It was like talking about childbirth, I know it hurt, but I couldn't really feel the pain anymore, and I didn't get moved or upset or tearful when I talked about it. I actually had a visual of a healed scar while I spoke. It was very helpful to experience, it gave me a sense of where I am, at least right now.

I have had very little contact with WH lately. I am not good at keeping it light and friendly (DB dunce), we only communicate about practicalities but I often end up saying something sniping about what he has done to me and he stops replying. It's really amazing (another poster talked about this) how a person can behave horribly towards you, and then turn around and act like you're the crazy, emotionally out of control-person when you react.

Right now, I don't want to talk to him. I am mainly angry at him and I don't want him back. I have love for him, but I despise so much what he's done. He has turned out to be such a liar and cheater with no regard for anyone else's feelings, and I have discovered that it's a pattern he has followed from when he was a teenager. He has also clearly moved on, and I'm in the process of doing the same (no details for many reasons). Life is interesting...

He can file for a D this month. I'm not going to do anything.

Creative, rewarding activities that I need in order to balance my life are choir and painting. I would like to have more time for painting, choir is scheduled so it's easier.

Oh, and I just visited an amazing, enormous gym that's within walking distance, and got a week's free trial with them. They have a pool, resistance lap pool and a hot tub! The winters here are cold so I suspect I'll join just for that.

I'm not a success DB story in that I got my M back. But I used many of the tools to great success for myself. My IC talks about how good I am at processing the feelings, how I move forward with confidence, and I feel it, too. I know I have done everything I could while I felt there was still hope for reconciliation, and I'm also able to let go now when I don't feel there's hope anymore.

And I've learned so much about what I need in a partner, what I have to offer, and what I want my future R to look like. I feel much more confident and secure in myself than I did a few months ago. So if nothing else, take from it that there is a future that can feel very, very different in a good way.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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