SoEffingLost---Please help 2

[lostasf]

Well, unfortunately she said that if I want to make this official/legal that is the end. There will be no working on us at that point. So I'm not sure what to do.

[ForGump]

If you want to make it official ...

and

"There will be no working on us at that point."

Sounds to me like she's not shutting the door closed completely.

[Coconut]

In one post you say that your done, you're going to file and end this, then in the next you say unfortunately she said it would be done if you make the S legal...

It's completely normal, you don't know what you want (except for this not to be happening at all), and she doesn't know what she wants either...

Your best bet is to stop being concerned what she wants, just figure out what's best for you. Did the L recommend making it legal so she doesn't spend her half of the money then get half of yours if you D? Don't file, or not file, based on what you think her reaction will be, do what is best for you.

This is a long road, and will get so much easier in a few months, just really try and focus on you for now.

[lostasf]

Well, I caught her at OM's house today after she told me she was going to the park. I confronted in a very casual way: Told her I would see her at my house, and got in my truck and left.

That's it! That's the straw! The funny part was she called me just a few minutes later and tried to spin this on me!!!! I just chuckled to myself.

[LiM]

Lost,

I feel for you buddy. You are drowning right now. You're world has been turned upside down and you just want the pain to stop. But I'm going to pass some 2x4's your way.
You've been her less than 2 weeks and unfortunately, I don't see you following much of the excellent advice that has been passed on to you.
You must DETACH and you have to do it now. You have to realize your M, as you knew it, is over. Its done. LET HER GO! You need to emotional separate/divorce her. You don't have to do anything legal right now but you have to realize she is gone. The sooner you can do that, the sooner things have the chance of turning around.
Your W has not had to experience any loss yet and she has to. She must see that she has lost you. Detach, 180, GAL and go dark. Anything she says/does right now should be irrelevant to you.
You can't demand that she respect you and you can't make her stop the A. She has to choose to do those things and that can't happen until she has experienced loss. It doesn't matter if she stays in the house, goes to MC counseling with you or if you S. Until she has experienced loss, chooses to end the A and demonstrates true remorse, there is no moving forward no matter what you do. So you might as well turn your attention to yourself.
As far as her texting the OM while laying in bed next to you, I wouldn't stand for it. I wouldn't even allow her in the MBR so long as the A is on going. If I were you, I would move all her stuff out of the MBR. Put all her stuff in another room. You can be polite to her but you do not need to explain anything to her. She doesn't deserve to know anything about what or why you are doing things so long as she is living a life outside of your M.
This can be turned around but you've got to follow the process and the rules.

[lostasf]

I don't want this to turn around my friend. There is no coming back from that for me.

[ForGump]

Lost--

If that's your boundary, that's your boundary. You don't want her no more. I get it. OK. Let it be done, over, finito.

But before you move on with your life, consider this fact: the divorce rate for people marrying for the second time is higher than those marrying for the first time.

So, I assume a young person like yourself will want to remarry at some point. What you gonna do, so that you don't divorce yet again?

I'm not saying take your W back. But take a good hard look at yourself and your marriage, before you move on, so that whatever you learn about yourself, you remember.

If your journey is over, I'm glad for you. I don't wish this kind of heartbreak on anyone.

[MoveFrwd]

I don't want this to turn around my friend. There is no coming back from that for me.

In my opinion, that doesn't matter. The advice LiM gave you is for you. It just happens to give you the best chance of reconciling as well.

But frankly, regardless of what you "want", the advice is the same.

Why were you even at OMs house to see your W? And what did you have to gain by telling her? That's like showing your cards while playing poker!

[Coconut]

Lost,

You've set your mind to it, your done and there's not coming back. Lets go with that mindset. Remove her stuff from your MBR, tell her you will not be in an open M, tell her she needs to get a place and leave your marital home. Stand up for yourself and let her know you are the man of the house and will not stand for disrespect. Be nice, don't be condescending or rude, but be firm and sure of what you say. Tell her she needs to go. She's likely going to leave anyway, so this just puts an exclamation point on it.

Then STOP. Don't file, don't tell her your going to divorce her, just stop talking with her, don't text her, go dark. And work on yourself. Keep the mindset that your divorcing, but don't divorce just yet. This is a long ride, divorcing isn't going to make anything easier, but separating and having her live elsewhere may help you keep your sanity.

[LiM]

I agree 100% with the advice that coconut gave.
Get her out of the MBR and tell her to get out of your house. Tell her you will not be treated this way and so long as she chooses this life, she cannot be a part of yours. Tell her to hit the road. Take half of your finances and put them in a new account that she doesn't have access to.
Then walk away and just stop. Breath. Be still.
I know you feel like you know exactly what you want right now but in fairness, your life is in such chaos, you really can't trust what you are feeling. So give things a chance to settle down. D doesn't make the pain go away and D isn't an instant fix. It is a long, drawn out process that will bring its own pain along with it.
So long as she is engaged in this A, you have to get her out of your life and go dark. And once you have that, you need time to just be. With this time will come clarity. In that clarity, you may find that you still don't want to work on the R any longer. And if so, that's ok. But you may also find that you do want to work on the R. But you won't know how you truthfully feel until you have a chance to push the pause button on all the chaos.