I had a good day, did loads of housework and enjoyed the house looking clean and organised. I'm in work Tuesday-Wednesday-Thursday mornings so Monday is my "me" day. I should have done some paperwork and errands but couldn't face it. I should really do it tomorrow morning before work, otherwise it will end up stressing me to no end. My procrastination is my biggest failure! I'm trying to improve, but I think if I could get things done in a more timely manner it would have been so much better for me!
Spoke with MIL, and this time we didn't avoid the subject, we spoke about H letting them know what he wants from his life (To be a single man). MIL and FIL told him that's not possible after theee kids, and to give it some time. I don't think he insisted that much to be honest, because MIL was under the impression that everything is going better . Either she is in denial or he tells them what they want to hear. Either way, I said that he needs (and deserves) time. I'm not sure if their persistence helps, but I understand where they are coming from. MIL actually commented on the fact that he didn't even consider the fact that she is just coming through a harsh chemo and facing a serious illness. If she ever found out H was in the same country as her in August and went to a holiday resort with his friends instead of supporting her during chemo, she would be devastated. MIL is having an MRI tomorrow and then visiting her mum for a very well deserved holiday on Friday. She mentioned FIL and herself will visit us in November or December, I said that they are always welcome here. Not sure what H thinks I'm trying to not contact him unless there is an emergency.
Apologies in advance for the typos, I'm on my phone and the layout is strange..
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
I'm happy that you had that conversation with your MIL. It would be nice if they came but don't be disappointed if they don't. My MIL told me many times that they will come but then just manages to persuade h to bring kids to them at least for one night. I think they don't feel comfortable about being in our house when h is not living here. And I understand that she is his mother and she should be supporting him (no matter how bad choices he's making). Though she does not really do it but at least she is not her usual pushy self, I begged her to leave him figure out what he wants and not to intervene.
I'm also happy that you made yourself a nice room for yourself. I can understand that it's important for you now to be able to close yourself somewhere and just be left alone, if just for a few minutes. Hope you are enjoying your new decorations.
As for the ring, keep it as long as you want. I still wear my rings (but my h still wears his). It's yours so why not to wear it. One day you may feel differently but in the meantime do what feel right to you.
Don't feel guilty about paperwork and errands. It will wait for you :-). "Me" time is important! Now that I'm back to work I don't have much of it and miss it.
Thanks Bee! My signature is just a movie quote from "White collar" but when I heard it I thought of all the lies H told me, but mainly of all the newfound "truths" he is telling himself If R talk was allowed I would love to ask him how is his pursuit of happiness working out for him. He looks sadder than he had in the 16 years we have been together.. But.. "not my circus, not my monkeys" (my second favourite quote at the moment)
Relatively good day for me, work was good and the kids seem happy. Managed to spend some one to one time with S10 in the morning and S8 in the afternoon. And took baby to the park so she is a happy bunny too...
H texted this morning to thank me for returning some money that I borrowed from him. I messed up the dates for a new direct debit, and had to ask him for a little money for one day. I didn't like asking him for money though so I made a promise to myself to manage my money better from now on. I returned the money straight away and he texted as soon as it reached his account. I didn't want to get into a texting dialogue but I did text back to say that I thanked him for helping me out in the first place. Apparently we can communicate better via texts at the moment, since he currently has the emotional intelligence of a pancake and I have anger issues, which I'm really not proud off . I'm giving myself little pep talks about how to be around to H this weekend, I want to be friendlier but obviously it is hard to be friends with someone that looks at me like he hates me. If someone didn't know the history of our issues and just dropped by for a visit they would probably think that I have wronged him in some way and he is "tolerating" me. But I need to move past that so that the environment will be nicer for the kids. We don't fight or even shout or anything, but maybe we are both a little... passive-aggressive? Not very DBing, and not good parenting in any case. So that's my goal for this weekend, and if I come here crying for sympathy please remind me that I'm the adult and I have three children and a teenage husband to look after...
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Happy weekend fellow DBers! I hope everyone has a great time.
My H came home last night, he turned up late again, too late for me to go running. I was friendly and didn't ask him why he was late, or why he didn't let me know he was coming in the first place. He seemed normal, and a lot better than last weekend.
I am ok, had mainly good days this week. My main issue at the moment is that I feel like I'm overeating . I don't want to start putting weight but with everything that's happening it's easy to comfort eat.
The other night, out of nowhere I started crying. But not for the usual reasons, like what H is doing to our family and our children etc, but I cried for me. For missing my husband. I remembered how much we loved each other and it was unbearable. I don't even know where those feelings came from, it was like a flashback from a previous life. Well it was a previous life, wasn't it?
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Yes, I guess it was a previous life, wasn't it? That's the hard part. When you miss your H. Its real, and we know it was real. It makes me smile, just like it did then, when I think of how my H used to act like a little kid and throw his arms around me, call out my pet name, and give me the most loving hug and kisses. Then I choke up a bit, because I don't have that and something in his head has changed it to me not loving that, even being embarrassed by him doing that. The pain of it is, sometimes I did act embarrassed in public, because I never saw other adults around me do that. I didn't know how lucky I was. But I was such a private person, afraid of what the world thought then. To bad there are no do overs.
Someone on here tried to tell me that I didn't miss my H; I only missed the idea of him. I considered this for a long time. I disagree. I miss my H. The H who loved me as well as the one I've talked to recently that I can't have. The whole package. I just don't like the things he's done or the way he says he feels right now. But liking someone's behavior (or not liking it) is separate from loving the person. I dislike the behavior of my children sometimes; I still love them, and not just the idea of them. Them. I then hope the behavior changes due to the consequences of their actions and their consideration of it. Same with H, no matter how long it takes.
Its ok to cry for missing someone that you love and care about. It helps. It will get better.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Esame - I find that for me - not so much lately - but it's almost like I have a pool of tears inside me that just builds up until something cracks my shell and they all spill out.
It's fine to cry I think even for manly guy types like me I've been finding that when the pool is allowed to drain that I actually feel somewhat refreshed.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I will come back later for a proper post, but something just happened that I need help with. H and were in the kitchen preparing breakfast (he was making his own, me everyone else's) and he asked me something about money, like how much the children's benefits come up to. He wants me to start applying for things as a single mum. I will do that as some point, but only after I make sure we qualify for it, and that it will not affect the days he is allowed to spend here. I believe there is a maximum number of nights a second adult can spend in the house, but his priority is not the children's welfare, is the money. I kept quiet, but I think he is angry with me for not doing it and is looking to start the process himself. I really worry that if we apply for those benefits he will be pushed further away. I suppose I need to research ASAP and hope I can get through to him before he does anything stupid
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
If I remember rightly, you're in the UK. If that's incorrect, ignore this advice.
You can only claim higher benefits if your other half doesn't live in the house as your partner, and, there are time limits as well. It can, as my W found out, be beneficial for the spouse who retains the children.
It's a minefield, but please don't use this as an excuse to hold on to him in the house. If he wants to go, let him go.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
I'm not trying to keep him in the house, him being here is actually difficult for me as he has so much anger towards me. I only want him to keep coming every weekend so that the kids can continue having a normal life. We told them that he is working away, they don't know anything about our separation yet, and I was hoping to protect them for as long as possible.
IDK, maybe I'm wrong, maybe I should just give up and hope for the best..
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
((((Esame)))), I'm not in the UK, so can't really help with the knowledge of the legal stuff, but I agree with Huddy...let him go. If you are trying to keep up an illusion for the sake of the children, understand that children are surprisingly astute in their observational skills even when the understanding is not there. I know from my own personal life as well as from speaking to my own grown children that the memories from those observations, later on in life, are seen through adult eyes. Then they may have an "aha" moment followed by a sense of betrayal...a bit more severe than Santa Claus or the tooth fairy. Just my 2 cents. Is there a way to gently explain on their level what is happening without blame or anger? Your H's inquiry is such that it shows he is wanting to move away from the arrangement you have. It might be time to wave away the illusion from the children. I could very well be wrong; this is a very gut feeling. But I like truth. Except for the holiday mascots, I tried to be honest with the kiddos on most things and they have told me in later years that that is why they always felt they could come to me about anything. They've also told me they knew Santa wasn't real for years before I fessed up.
Job, are you able to guide on this? I may be barking up the wrong tree.
I know this is hard, Esame. I can't even imagine going through this with children at home. You are such a strong woman who is trying to protect her kids from the pain while absorbing it all, blow by blow. I think in my heart, though, that it will be less painful in the long run if they know from you what is happening, and especially that they are not the cause. That seems to be the first place children's minds go during these crises. That's why I think the info should come softly from you...to head that off. Just yet another thing to think about, my friend. Carry on.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
. Either she is in denial or he tells them what they want to hear. Either way, I said that he needs (and deserves) time. I'm not sure if their persistence helps, but I understand where they are coming from. MIL actually commented on the fact that he didn't even consider the fact that she is just coming through a harsh chemo and facing a serious illness. If she ever found out H was in the same country as her in August and went to a holiday resort with his friends instead of supporting her during chemo, she would be devastated. MIL is having an MRI tomorrow and then visiting her mum for a very well deserved holiday on Friday. She mentioned FIL and herself will visit us in November or December, I said that they are always welcome here. Not sure what H thinks I'm trying to not contact him unless there is an emergency. 
. I'm giving myself little pep talks about how to be around to H this weekend, I want to be friendlier but obviously it is hard to be friends with someone that looks at me like he hates me. If someone didn't know the history of our issues and just dropped by for a visit they would probably think that I have wronged him in some way and he is "tolerating" me. But I need to move past that so that the environment will be nicer for the kids. We don't fight or even shout or anything, but maybe we are both a little... passive-aggressive? Not very DBing, and not good parenting in any case. So that's my goal for this weekend, and if I come here crying for sympathy please remind me that I'm the adult and I have three children and a teenage husband to look after...
I've been finding that when the pool is allowed to drain that I actually feel somewhat refreshed.