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job #2709292 10/10/16 10:51 AM
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Esame Offline OP
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Thank you for your kind words Job.

Realistically I'm not done with the marriage but possibly for the wrong reasons. Not because I love H (I would be insane if I did after all he's put me through lately) but mainly because I love "us" as a family unit, meaning the kids, H and me. I'm also struggling to see how his happiness is more important than our children's and our families', but that's not up to me.

Anyway, a few minutes ago on the Facebook page of divorce busting Michele posted this:

"Today one of my clients told me that she wasn't ready to give up the fight for her marriage even though it seemed headed for divorce. She said she would continue to be the person her husbandd needs her to be- and who she wants to be- even after the divorce is finalized. She wondered if I thought she was crazy for thinking this way. Here's what I told her.

I really believe that each person knows inside him or herself whether or when to move beyond the marriage. Each person is their own expert, not the therapist, not a family member or friend. You have to trust your own instincts. If, in the end, there comes a time when moving on makes sense, you will know it.
What do you think about this?
Michele Weiner-Davis"

So if I am to trust my instincts, I cannot give up yet. I'm not ready to let go, but I need to detach a lot more and definitely GAL more. I'm making plans with friends for nights out etc, and decided to finish the decluttering and decorating as soon as possible.

By the way if it's not ok to copy things from the Facebook page here, job could you please edit?


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





Esame #2709297 10/10/16 11:00 AM
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Esame,

I'm glad you posted Michele's posting from Facebook. So many people talk about moving on and yet are still not sure. That's why I always say that if you are questioning yourself and moving on, then you aren't ready to do so. You will definitely know if and when the time comes.

Quoting from Michele's Facebook Page is quite alright, as this is directly related tp the Forums.

Esame, as I said in my earlier posting, I don't think you are ready to move on. I think you need to sit patiently and quietly as I do not think you are at the end of the journey w/your h.

Hang in there!

job #2709308 10/10/16 12:07 PM
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Hi Esame,

Just wanted to say thanks for sharing the bit from Facebook! It was a nice reminder for me today. Hope you and your family are doing well and shook your cold.

job #2709322 10/10/16 12:59 PM
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Esame,
you could be very well writing my story with h first few weeks after he moved out (except visiting kids/staying weekends...). He was also telling me I cannot use kids as an excuse to trap him back into marriage (which I wasn't), that he is done, it's his decision and I may not agree with it but it won't change anything. And a lot of similar things which I'd prefer to forget. These types of statements still pop up from time to time (sometimes contradicted in the same or another conversation), but much less and only when there is a discussion on something that he does not like.

All those early discussions ended up in fights which achieved only one thing: I was losing more and more respect for him. So, I decided I could not see him for some time and made sure I wasn't home when he was supposed to come and visit. That helped. And the first time we talked after 2 months of not seeing each other he complained that he made efforts to come home and I was never there - he used that as an argument that he cares for me and the marriage more than I do (I know! did not makes sense at all...).

So, if you feel like you want to limit time you two spend together for some time, from my experience, I think it could help. Then it gets easier once you start seeing each other more often again. Sometimes I think that my h is like a toddler who tests how far he can go. And then when I show him where is the limit he respects me more.

Now that we see each other more often again, the discussions are back but less and with different dynamics. Still frustrating but it's easier for me to take.

Stay strong!


M: 41
H: 50
2S: 13 & 15
H moved out Feb 2016
Bee29 #2709328 10/10/16 01:11 PM
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Quote:
So if I am to trust my instincts, I cannot give up yet. I'm not ready to let go,

FWIW – I respect this and the fact that you can be so honest with yourself is a very very good thing. Wishing you the best – whatever looks like..today…tomorrow…next week….next year.


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
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Esame Offline OP
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Thank you Job, Kyh, Bee and Eric smile

Back to Dbusting then, new start from today. I started thinking of ways to minimise contact with H while he is here, I think at the moment I want him to be visiting but I don't want to interact too much with him. I decided that I will move to the spare room and leave the master for H and visitors. I do hate sleeping in that bed and stay on the sofa most nights, maybe now I can look forward to sleeping in my own space. The spare room is the one I was getting all the cushions for anyway, so it makes sense! That room is also out of the way, so I can spend time there reading or working without being disturbed by the kids or anything. When I messaged H last I explained that he is welcome to come whenever he wants but I would appreciate some privacy and as little interaction as possible. I don't want him to think that I am pursuing him, and he doesn't seem to be able to understand that by being friendly to each other it doesn't mean I am trying to initiate something. It's like he is scared of me, like I am some sort of predator or something! Also I cannot cope with seeing the hatred in his eyes, so I prefer being out of his way. How did we end up here? How could a man that loved me suddenly hate me like I'm a monster? I know there is no answer to this, I know it's the MLC and not him, but is he still in there somewhere?

I caught myself "drafting" another message to him in my head, and then I realised that that's not going to work, there is no letter I can write that can get through to him. I have to message something about the arrangements with the kids later, but I will keep that (and any future correspondence) about the kids or money.

I spoke with my mum yesterday but pretended that I look tired because baby kept me up, rather than telling her what's happening. Thankfully no call from MIL yet, but it will happen sooner or later. I have spoken with a couple of friends about the situation though, even though I don't think I'm fully honest with anyone about the extent of the pain I'm going through right now.

All the books are out, and tomorrow I'm having my first counselling session. I'm so excited! I hope I can benefit from it, I'm not sure what to expect really eek


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





Esame #2709487 10/11/16 10:19 AM
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Esame,

I want to wish you all the best for tomorrow's counseling session. Just be yourself and ask questions. I hope the counselor is one that you will like and can talk openly to in time.

Good luck! I can't wait to hear how things go for you!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2709587 10/11/16 10:19 PM
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Esame,
good luck at the counseling session!

I understand how you are feeling about not being fully honest with everyone. DBing is a tricky approach because it goes against what is the natural knee jerk reaction. As I'm sure you've read/ experienced, most people aren't going to be on board with the DB approach. They are going to want to fix "it" for you and offer their two cents.... Which may or may not be to stand for the marriage. I feel for you. Again, I hope you have a great experience tomorrow.


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
Pax_luv #2709596 10/12/16 12:21 AM
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Many advise against moving out of M bedroom. You could just change the bed and/or furniture. Swap from other room, for example.Maybe putting your personal stamp on it could change how you feel there.

But IMO if you are more comfortable in the other room, why not. Change is good for us mentally..... .. even at the best of times and especially now.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2709625 10/12/16 06:08 AM
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I would have said the same as Roist. I know in my case, originally, moving out of the MBR would not have worked and H had already moved downstairs. But staying in the MBR was difficult as we had designed the house and there were permanent touches of H everywhere. When I got my apartment after the house sold, it was all "me". Hang out wherever you can create a space for you that you can cocoon in.

Also, creating distance, although really hard, may help him lose some of his monstering. He won't have anything new to obsess over in anger. I think when I was still present so much, my H would pick something little and obsess over it like, "there she is wearing that hoody sweatshirt. I told her I don't think she looks good in that. She's just wearing it to spite me. Proof that she doesn't like me!" Mind reading, but also based on things said during the dreaded R talk. Their anger needs fuel and they can find it wherever they look. Take contact away, fuel goes away.

I'm glad you are pulling back. Its hard, but I think it is healthier for you both while he is showing anger. Make your "cocoon" a safe loving place. Fall in love with yourself, as Rouky did, and plan your "self-dating" while you leave your H to work through his anger alone.
You can do this, because you are worth it!


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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