Cherry, filing, moving. Gaining strength

[Cherry]

Link to my old thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2704812&page=11

And a quick run by:


I'll just give a brief re-cap for anyone new.
Around oct 2014, my h, a man who has always been so loving and close to me began to pull away. He had just been promoted and was being really pushed at work, he wanted to be successful at it- so he worked damn hard. I supported him physically and emotionally the best I could, I was his biggest cheerleader. Our lifestyle had undergone a huge shift already as we had just had a baby a few months before.

After a few months of him being a little distant, from super chatty and telling me absolutely everything. He had become withdrawn and silent. He started to change passwords on his phone, he had always been so open with that, we both had. I started to suspect ow. Jan 15, he told me he wanted a d. I made the mistakes, then came here and started the work. Although saying he wanted a D, he never seemed to research it seriously. He said we would do it once I'd "got my head around it". He moved into a spare room. Eventually he confirmed a EA, and he would cake eat, at times tell me he wasn't sure he wanted to D me and he still had feelings.

Apr 15, he called it off with ow. And asked if we could work through this, he was honest and admitted he slept with her a few times. In hindsight, I took him back quickly. We started to work through this and were completely transparent. But we didn't tackle the main issues. Again, Oct 15, he withdraws- no talk of D. For months, I endured a rollercoaster of ILYBNILWY then a month or so later ily. Back and forth. Things started to improve in May. We were close again. Having regular sex again. Mid June I realised I had fallen pregnant. Although, surprised and shocked (we both kind of were) h was so happy, said how we were closer to our big family he wanted with me. A week later, he's hiding his phone, I snooped and found suggestive flirty messages between them. With her giving advise that he should leave me and s "it's totally normal these days, not even a big deal". He then tells me that we aren't right for each other and he wants a divorce.
He moved into the spare room again.

The papers are now filed and he is leaving soon. He still denies that there is a ow. But I'm no fool!! He's began to begin to speak to me again. And he decided to share with me that he finds when he looks at me he struggles to contain his sexual urges. I'm resisting these words, it changes nothing. He still wants a D.

My focus now is absolutely on me. We are heading for a quick d, and I'm now figuring I just need to let him go and get on with my life for myself. I am the woman that he is a fool to loose, and maybe at some point he will see that for himself. But not in the way he is now, he would have to be my h, not the wh he currently is. And he is no way capable of being him. He would like me to look over the papers and agree to things with him, this is not something I want. I don't want the D at all, but he knows this. He has told me that he thought I would do more to stop it, I honestly don't know what he means by this. I've told him repeatedly I don't want it, and he told me this is truthfully what he wants, so I don't see that it would make a difference.

[Cherry]

Thanks blu, I guess we all have a habit of being much harder amongst ourselves. But you're right, I'm not as detached as I would LIKE to be, but again, you are right. This is my life, h, m, family- I'm bound to feel hurt and for this to take some time.

You're also right, maybe it is an attempt at blame shifting, or to enable him to use it against me at any point and say "but you agreed".

I liked the point about the birth and creating boundaries. Funnily enough, when talking to me this evening, he mentioned something about the birth (after offering a back rub for my back pain!), he expressed wanting to be there- I asked if he would be able to support me if things went wrong. He said he wants to be there t support both me and the baby, and then told me to stop worrying and leaping months away (again not looking into this, is he making out things could change by then?!) again, not worth worrying about this. I shall leave this be. I have it in my mind that if he is capable to be there, he will. If not, my mum says she will be ready to drop everything and be there. So that shall be my plan for the time being, I'll put a pin there and leave it at that. I do think that he will only feel the consequences of what he has done when he leaves. But I shall not hold out any hope of him changing his mind.

Surfer, this is basically what his L has said, they would draft up the reasons and if I didn't agree to them they would re-write. I'd say he has no grounds, but when speaking with my L he advised me that they can say anything like "they didn't put the toilet seat down" and that could be used, and even if contested, the likelihood is that it would still go through the divorce, we just end up racking up grands worth of legal fees and still remain divorced. Mediation would also be on the cards for us in the near future. Yet another thing I have no control over so will face when necessary. My main concern regards custody of the children which he has agreed I would have full custody, no sleepovers but he has access and can take them out. This is something he states he wants (though I know not to really take his word for anything), so I would want this in writing and drawn up legally, which is why I feel I need an L to fight my corner.

In a sense I'm in a hopeless situation. And by that I mean, if he wants a d, regardless of me agreeing, or viewing the papers- he would get it. I just need to remain focussed on the me part and what I can control. I can choose not to join his circus, or to take the bait of temp checks. And I can control myself to being the best person I can be, firm but validate. I can choose to navigate any interaction with grace but yet be firm, rather than be angry and bitter.

What is important for me is that we both put the needs of the children first, but I can only control my side. What I would like to avoid is getting to the point we cannot be in the same room. As a child, many friends had divorced parents, and not one of them had parents that communicated in the slightest. I would like us to be able to be in the same room and communicate with each other. I don't want my children to have any kind of event wether it be a school show or graduation and feel they have to choose which one of us to be there. But this right now is out of my control.

No tears today. I stood my ground that I would like things to go through my L. Obviously he wasn't too pleased with this and said he wanted us to talk this through. But I stick by my decision

[Surfer]

In a sense I'm in a hopeless situation.

No, you are in control. Yes you can't stop a D, but he will need to be really determined and in the face of someone just being nice saying, "I really don't want this, I am strong on marriage preservation not walking away (AKA it's your journey)", he has to do the heavy lifting!

If he has to do the heavy lifting you have no "load" on this matter, I don't see your position as hopeless. I see it as hopeful. He might struggle under the load and give up and try to reconcile and if not, its still not your load. Be kind, but just don't carry the load. Also, remind him you have enough going on with S, baby, work, you can't find time for something you don't believe in now more than any time.

Surfer.

[Cherry]

Thanks surfer, I guess the idea of reconciliation just seems like something that won't happen. But like you say , I won't do any heavy lifting towards it.

Had a routine antenatal appointment today, my heart rate was sky high, when I explained the stresses they kinda understood. The worst part was when trying to find the babies heartbeat, she couldn't find it. She rang the hospital and told them I needed an emergency scan doing. I text wh to tell him this and that I was scared. I got no response for a couple hours, then a keep me updated. Luckily, baby is fine. As requested I updated him, and got no response. That was a little hurtful. But just glad my baby is ok.

[Surfer]

Cherry,

Reconciliation may never happen. Try not to hope for it. I am in exactly the same boat - if that's any help.

We had a tricky patch with no heartbeat. It must have been frightening for you.

I try not to judge your H (you may have noticed?) however, this was unfair (to put it mildly). It would have cost him nothing to give you reassurance via a call or even a text. If it was him (I know he doesn't have lady parts so that would be hard!) ask yourself, what would you have done? In fact , I don't need to ask you, I know. You would have at least called, probably texted, probably both several times on the basis you couldn't be there and if you could you would - I guess. Why, this shows us that you are not wayward. They think oddly. He is clearly wayward. You are normal - I promise you are; clearly he is less normal! I know this is an extreme situation but try and focus on it not being you a your circus. It will hurt of course, I would be heartless to think that it did not, and does not.

By the way, we are all here for you. If you need a Plan C, I can get up there in 3 hours or faster.

You won't be alone and it will all be okay looking back. I promise. Get your Mum lined up and talk about the day, get it fixed in your mind so you accept how it will work. I just don't think he is going to be your Plan A. He would have cracked at the heartbeat thing.

Sorry not the most positive ending but it think you will need to accept how it is likely to pan out. I don't want your birth being marred by the unexpected. It needs to be a lovely time for you despite the way your H is acting. And it will be of course,

Surfer.

[PsySara]

You are in control, you are taking charge of your life and being a fantastic mother and woman. Your WH is very lost right now and you have to let him stagger on his own winding path while you move steadily forward.

[Cherry]

Yeah , I think when I dropped the hope of reconciliation and made it all about me, things did seem to get easier.

It was petrifying to be honest, I do feel guilty from time to time thinking that my stressing with this situation wouldn't help. So then when she couldn't find it, I just really panicked but I'm glad that I got to see baby, it was a huge reassurance. Yeah you're right, it is hard even trying to see it on the flipside because I just think well that's my baby- I'm sure that I would still care about that. But you are right, it does hurt but it is still his problem.

Haha thank you for the plan c offer. And you are right on the having my mom lined up. At least that way I know it's someone I can rely upon if he is not able, and to keep it as calm as labour can possibly be!

Thanks again for the readsurances and the care it's much appreciated.

Thanks Sara. You are right, I do just need to remain my focus upon me and leave him be. I guess I just can't quite mask that I was hurt at his complete lack of care about the baby.

[Ginger1]

Cherry,

I do not believe I have ever posted to you, but I am a silent follower. I've been on these boards for over 8 years. I came here as a scared 27 year old who's husband just left her for his mistress. We had a 6 month old, conceived via IVF.

I tell you that, because although young, you are so mature and handling this like a champ. I just know if I made it, and I was a hot MESS (my D is 9 now, my ex married OW, and I deal with her as my D's stepmother), no matter what happens, you will be fine and you can always look to yourself with pride, just as your kids will.

Hang in there mama:)

[Cherry]

Thanks ginger. Wow that must have been so tough on you! I'm sorry to hear that. And I admire you for dealing with her as D'S stepmom. This is one of my fears, another woman in my children's lives. But thank you for the compliments, I hope I do give my children something to be proud of. Despite my wh saying I haven't tried anything to change his mind, I think I have been working on this marriage and that they will see this.

[Surfer]

Cherry,

A lot of this will be yourself over thinking. Horrible though it sounds and is, I think you will actually make good memories of the day. Whatever happens.

You are a smart forward thinking positive person.

Just keep on track. You are doing so well.

Surfer.