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Hi HaWho, that is a bit bizarre isn't it? To say to someone - "you're not a responsible adult" - then just breeze on to different, pleasant stuff??

It's a good job you have reached your present level of detachment I think...

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Keep in mind that they are the masters of projection. I would venture to say that he's actually talking about himself not being a responsible adult or maybe his mother wasn't good at it a long time ago.

Keep on moving forward. I'm praying that the phone gets lost!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted By: Sotto


It's a good job you have reached your present level of detachment I think...




Sotto what an amazing sentence! So funny and so true at the same time! And it could only apply to our HaWho because... well.. she is well and truly detached from the crazy that takes place in that dorm room.

We should start a petition for the phone to get confiscated by the government or something. The man is dangerous when he is hiding behind that screen...


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





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Thanks Sotto, Job and Esame. Job - that projection certainly could apply to both him and his mother.

I am seeing lots of weird stuff over here. Mostly, extreme irritability, extreme happiness and then strange comments. It's odd. Not sure what this is all about. Here are a few examples.

H shows moments of boisterous enthusiasm: when he greets the dog and over the start of NBA season. He said he is very excited basketball started again and it's a level of engagement he has not shown in a lonnnng time.

The other night h wanted ketchup with something on his meal. He asked if "we" were out of it. I said "hmm, not sure; I never eat it." H announces in a very exaggerated way "so 'WE' need ketchup and tea" (a specific tea that only he drinks). I don't say anything but I realize I rarely think in "we" terms anymore.

Last night h and s13 started bickering in the most ridiculous way. Like two kids. H said s13 told him he needed a ride to x place. S13 said he did not say that but that he had said he needed a ride to z place. Over that they started to squabble. H: "you DID say it." S13: "no, I didn't." And repeat that a few times. I started to laugh because it was like a vaudeville skit. When I laughed out loud h scolded in a sneering way (sooo irritably) "what are YOU laughing about? What is SO funny?" I said "THIS is funny. It's so ridiculous it's funny. And just because you are cranky does not mean we all have to be." He simmered right down. S13 told h that h always thinks he is right and can never admit fault. H said "I am right." Very mature all around. When h left the room S13 said: "it's really immature that he is almost 50 and acting like that."

This morning the music from the dorm room started pre-8 AM. I just had to get away from it. I left for coffee and to grab bagels. When I returned, I was walking up to the door and my dog started to bark. Guess he didn't recognize it was me. One of h's dorm windows faces the path to the door and he has this plantation shutter on the window. When the dog started barking h snapped "what the
h€ll?" and loudly slammed the shutter closed. So cranky. Does he think I was peeking in there?!? He reminded me of Oscar the Grouch slamming the lid to his garbage can.

Today at S11's game, h started a conversation with a couple who recently moved here. He was so present. I had my headphones in and made a point of removing them and saying "sorry! Don't mean to be rude keeping my headphones in!" (Hopefully h will get the cue about headphone manners 101.). H introduced me as his wife and made the intro definitively, not like it was a gaffe. I just ignored it. It's weird given he does not treat me like his wife and also given the way he lives his life within the home. It feels real phony.

He went into S13's room one morning. He never goes into any of our rooms. When he came into the kitchen S11 asked "why did you go in there?!?" H said "to wake him up." It was kind of sad all around that it makes headlines when he goes into one of their rooms. I am not sure h read the surprise or even understood why S11 expressed it.

H seems to be all over the place right now. And I also notice that he gets even more cranky with me when I am happy. I hate to mind read but me thinks he wants me miserable.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Oh my! The goblins have arrived early! Sounds like he's having a heck of a time figuring out which age he should be right now. You might see a lot of this behavior between now and the holidays.

Unfortunately, he's not a happy camper and when they see us happy and doing fun things, they tend to pull out some tricks to try to make us as miserable they are. Keep doing what you are doing. He's teething, just like a baby getting his teeth.

Happy Halloween!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Job - yes, seems he was all over.

The last few days have been, again, different. A few days ago, I was watching the news in the living room. H told S11 that they were going to continue working on this essay. Every once in a while h initiates some academic pursuit with s11 and this is one of those tasks. H asked s11 where he wanted to work. I said "let me get out of your way so the tv is not distracting you." H said "no, stay" in a very kind tone. This was a first in a lonnng while. But I politely declined. He again insisted I not leave. I told him I have enforced a no tv while doing academic work rule (sad that this is news to him when he LIVES with them!!!) and I did want to finish the news program elsewhere.

Over the weekend he found this box of extension cords and made a big show of it. He told me how much money he was saving by finding this?!? I joked: "and how much do you think you can sell it for?" But then I thought, I wonder if he is in his past somewhere as he did grow up quite poor. So I said: "that's great! Those will come in handy at XMAS and we won't have to buy more." He, like a little kid said: "I KNOW! That's what I thought." He seemed hurt that I initially teased him. I told him good job. (I do think that may have been the little boy.)

Halloween we ended up driving together to go meet S11 at a friend's house. We always take separate cars if the kids aren't with us. This time, I waited longer to leave just to see what he would do. As he was leaving he asked if we were riding together. I said probably not as I was bringing the dog. (The day before the dog had just thrown up in h's precious car! Now the dog is not allowed in there.) So as I was taking the dog I was also taking my car and h avoids my car like the plague. But he said let's ride together. We didn't talk for most of the ride. Then he brought up something to do with the stock market. We small talked. It was like hitching a ride with a co-worker.

This morning he sent me a text. I was waiting for the craziness to start. He told me something was wrong with his phone and if I had sent him something between midnight and then, it would not have been received and so I should re-send it. Ummm. Hmm. I was going to make a joke, but there's no point. Humor is lost on him. So I just said "ok" a few hours later when I saw it.

Of course, this was all moot as I never sent anything in the first place.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Tad bit more immature PA behavior surfacing from h. I adhere to a pretty strict budget. H seems to have tamped down his spending but I know for sure he's taking more financial liberties than I am. (But nothing compared to what he was doing last year.)

So I do the grocery shopping and h left me the receipts for 2 items I did not buy this week. They total 10 bucks and he wants it taken out of my budget. His entitlement is just extraordinary given his spending last spring. When he came home with the items he made a big show of it. He was passive aggressively trying to tell me I don't take good care of him/his needs. I ignored it all.

Today is my 2 year BD anniversary. Can't believe I've been in this sitch that long.

Two years ago h gave me the speech from h€ll. Today he is sick with something S11 caught. I offered to make him breakfast. He accepted. So, at about the same time as he bombed, I brought him breakfast. I hope God caught that good deed. Ha ha.

This year I don't feel any of the tension about this date and the memories that surround it. Sometimes, though, I scratch my head in wonder that my "strategy" is to try and outlast this craziness that is MLC. Yes, I am moving forward and all that, but still, what a weird existence . . .

This next part will be like a PSA for the LBS dealing with the MLC spouse. But, what you're told in the beginning? It's all true. It just takes a long time to see it all. I finally get it.

I didn't cause this. It took me FOREVER to get that piece. My MLCer was telling me, 24/7, that I did cause it. You can't stop it, nor should you try. (I did that TOO and yes, it's waaay worse the second time). Moving forward begins with getting busy. When you think about your sitch frequently, switch the channel in your head. Detaching is hard. Once you begin though, you start to understand that it was actually harder to hold on. So it becomes easier to detach further and motivates you to put more distance between yourself and this person's mess. It's less painful and people always move away from pain/toward pleasure.

I owe Cadet an apology. In the beginning, he tells us all we've been given the gift of time. When I first read that I gave a big eye roll. I pictured Cadet as one of those happy-go-lucky guys who frolicked through the forest and chirped with birds. Subsequently, I have read Cadet's posts and know he was giving me wisdom I wasn't ready to swallow. So, if you're reading, Cadet, sorry. But, what he writes is true. You can spend all your time worrying about this and it won't change one thing. So, then it's all on you how you spend your time.

In the end, seeing the MLCer day in and day out, I feel sorry for these people. Hard as this is on the LBS, I am so grateful I am not going through MLC. As they self destruct they sure do leave a lot of collateral damage in their wakes.

I have seen (and continue to see) such bizarre things, that I have to find the humor in it all. Who knew such weirdness would enter my life.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Hawho, what a great post and reflection. Thanks for sharing so honestly.

Re: your h. I rolled my eyes with the receipts..... Really?!?!! I mean, really?!? Ive said it before and I'll say it again... I feel bad for your h. He really is Peter Pan... One of the lost boys. I never want to come in here and be judgemental so I apologize if it comes off that way. You just amaze me with your humor while remaining grounded. I do think you get brownie points with the man upstairs for making breakfast today!


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T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
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HaWho, sorry about your BD anniversary… It is a long time considering that your MLCer lives at home. But, it is not too long for an average MLC. I’ve been reading your posts all along and I’m still amazed how your H exhibits all the classic signs of MLC and actually reenacting things from his childhood.

I’m with you on “gift of time”, LOL. I was reading this and thinking that it didn’t apply to me. I was already a person I needed to be, so this whole experience was just a pain, no more. I was so wrong. I’ve grown so much over these years. I can see now the wisdom of these words. I think I still need more time, haha. This is why I’m not pocking at H and making him move one way or another.

Thanks for posting your story HaWho. It gives all of us a very good idea what these MLCer are going through. I hope you did earn the brownie points for the breakfast today too! Take care and have a good weekend.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Feyth - no offense taken. He really is Peter Pan.

Bright - phfew, that's great you don't need surgery. I can't earn too many brownie points for the breakfast. I was already making something for the kids and just offered him some as well.

More text spewing from h. H did not feel well yesterday. S13 thought he didn't have a game last night and apparently told h so. In actuality s13 did have a game. At dinner he told h. H said he already made plans. Guess h wasn't too sick afterall. It was hard to see the look of disappointment on s13's face.

As h was leaving he gave this totally fake cough. Ha ha. I did laugh as of course, if he was so sick he'd be in bed.

I took the kids to the game. An hour and a half later, I happen to see two texts from h. He texts that he is not feeling well and can come pick up s11 who had been under the weather mid-week. S11 says he wants to stay. So I text h that we are set at the game.

H texts me a nasty message telling me to stop playing idiot games (?!?!?) and stop wasting his time and energy all the time. Lately this is his refrain: that I waste all his time and am this total nuisance in his life. Kind of funny since I steer clear of him.

I text back that s said he wants to stay. H said s11 is sick and should go home. Umm. Of course, if h was so worried about s11 being sick he should have changed his plans when he realized s13 had a game and s11 would have to come. Anyway, h shows up to the game in a total huff and tells me he is here to pick up "his" son. He comes across as the most petty teenager.

Next time I will have s11 call h directly and let them work it out themselves. I guess I am back to bad HaWho.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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