Eating Life with a Big Spoon

[Esame]

I agree! You absolutely deserve a face to face discussion, you earned it by putting up with his insanity under your roof! Isn't it also a 180 in a way?

[HaWho]

OMG - he is STILL sending me texts. He has the worst case of the texting runs. They are really obnoxious. The latest says (for the umpteenth time) that the marriage ended 2 years ago officially, 10 years ago unofficially. Then he basically puts me down for the years I was in my depression.

I feel sorry for him. As I have written about before, my depression centered on the fact that my nephew was born with a very rare, severe genetic disorder. H slipped into MLC around this time and was so irritable. H's empathy chip is totally busted as he knows how hard that diagnosis was for me and my family. As my IC explained to me: I mourned a child and the life my sister/her family should have had.

I am now ignoring all the texts. Each one is nastier than the last. I just scan them and then ignore. He seems to be short circuiting.

Years ago, I worked with this Managing Partner who would leave really lonnng, pointless voicemails to all employees. Sometimes he would spill over into 2 messages rather than deleting and re-recording one succinct message.

One day someone discovered that there was a (really cool and handy) feature where we could press 3# and delete a message at any time, without waiting 'til the end! So, a voicemail would come from this long winded guy and he would say "hi, this is Long Winded Guy and I am calling..." And people would just press 3#. Voilà, what a time saver! In fact, people started to just call him 3# (3 Pound)! "Well, I asked 3# his opinion on this and ..."

Well, he got wind of this all and started to leave voicemails like (very rushed): "Hi! This is Long Winded Guy, DO NOT 3# this message."

Eventually we retrained him to only vmail us with important info and to communicate effectively. This is what I need to do with h's current case of texting diarrhea.

He is trying everything to get me to fight with him. He really wants a reaction. It is exactly as is written: that they want drama and will try everything to push buttons.

I am praying for patience.

[Huddy]

So, your replies haven't done anything to calm him down? So, turn off the phone and watch the TV, or something more enjoyable instead. He'll get the message eventually.

[job]

Turn the phone off and go do something else. You don't need to be subjected to his vile self today. He evidently isn't happy about last weekend's birthday gift and he's still smarting from it. Leave him to stew in his own juices. When he sees you aren't reacting/responding to his crazy stuff, he'll eventually will stop it or better yet, come out of that stinky room and confront you.

[Pax_luv]

Hi Hawho,
Im so sorry you are going through this. Ugh.

As an outsider looking in, I could have put money on this latest spew session occurring after the phone gift. He's trying to protect himself by projecting on you. You don't deserve it. I'm sorry.

Hopefully, you were able to turn off the phone and let him have his tantrum.

[HaWho]

Thanks Huddy, Feyth and Job. I thought I had seen it all but this latest tantrum over that stupid landline is a new level of pathetic.

I did turn off my phone for the rest of the day. H sent only one other text, something about S13's academics that required discussion between us. Instead, h just went and discussed it with S13! I waited a while and then told him I should have been included on that decision as I am not just the egg donor. Crickets chirped on that.

Then I sent a text telling him that texting/communicating via post-it notes does not help our communication. (Sometimes he writes me important messages using 3 or 4 post its!!! Veeeeerry mature.). I told him I will no longer have complicated conversations via text to ensure nothing is lost in translation. And I told him that whenever he wants to finish the latest conversation he started (about what I am thinking), to please come do so in person. He immediately responded that these conversations are not very complicated.

Ok. Well, I will ignore that. And clearly he has already forgotten that he asked what I was thinking. He is not truly interested in how to forge a friendship.

This will be very hard as he always wants to hide behind writing letters/texting/post-it noting his way through life. This is a control issue for him. I know he'll continue trying to have conversations via text.

Oh and he seems to be starting back with not eating anything I cook. That seems to be one of the lovely PA things he does to show me he is angry.

[job]

HaWho,

I think you did the right thing. Now, you will need to stick to the "no discussions via text/post it notes". If he wants to have a conversation, then he will need to speak to you in person, face to face.

As for him not eating what you prepare...then so be it. He'll get over it and if he doesn't, he'll have to fix his own meals. Let him stew in his PA pot.

[Huddy]

So, he doesn't like what you cook? I think, once he's had his fill of pizza/doritos/beer, he'll all of a sudden regain his appreciation of home cooked food.

You really are generous though. Cooking him food, when he is plainly so obnoxious about you, takes real gumption.

[mleigh4]

Hi HW! I agree with the others. When he texts you, try responding in person. If you keep doing that, and he knows you will, it may quiet down the spews. My H is also very brave and mean on text when he is angry at me, but face to face, he is calm and reasonable.

I look forward to you getting a break and being with your family at the holidays. You deserve a break HW. Living in an environment with on and off hostility must be exhausting.

Take care of yourself and big hugs!
M

[Esame]

I agree with mleigh4, you need a break! My H is only here for the weekends and it drains me from all energy.. I cannot wait for him to go back to his bachelor pad on Sunday nights.

Please take care of yourself darling x