Ok, I guess because it's been quiet h decided to stir up drama, probably to justify the turmoil within himself. This'll be long.
I am adhering to a budget. However, I have squirreled away a few thousand of my own dollars to protect myself and the kids should h go (further) off the deep end. The other day I withdrew a small amount of extra money as s13 has a tournament and something else I need to pay for.
H leaves me a post-it telling me he is deducting that money from my overall budget and that I make a lot of work for him when I deduct money (as he has to go put it back in to pay bills). He keeps so little money in there that he's bounced small checks! So I text him and explain what the money is for.
He tells me I can use the money from my own personal account (he is sore I set this up). And he says he is tired of being the only adult around (VERY interesting if you turn that around as you are supposed to do with projection).
I text back and explain the truth: that I keep that extra money to protect myself from his potential behaviors. I remind him that he wanted to blow money on an apartment on the beach so he could sleep around and that he wanted desperately to be free. That money gives me some peace of mind. Then I tell him that these behaviors have me concerned for him. I say: you are not yourself and I think at times you know it. I tell him I think he needs help. Spoiler alert: he tells me he is great and I am crazy. I don't respond.
I have been wanting to plant this seed for some time so that if he ever wakes up he knows I did voice concern for him. I am very proud that I conveyed my message and that I did not engage in name calling or insulting. He was gunning for a fight. I slept like a champ. This too, is different from the earlier days where I was so attached to all the craziness.
When I came home s11 announced that he loves his bike and thanks us profusely. He says it's the best gift ever. H says (and h's serious): "I thought the phone was a pretty good gift, too." No one says a word. H says: "yes, thank your mom for the bike it was all her." (This after he has insulted me via text: insinuating that I am a money grubbed for keeping just a bit of my own money, telling me I am crazy and not an adult!)
This morning I turn on my cell and there is a long message from h.
Here is what he says: he says is not sure what I am shooting for these days. He says he is trying to be a friend to me, a good parent, he's trying to save some money, and squeeze out an hour or two of happiness a day. If he knew more about how I think, maybe things could go more smoothly between us. He says he does a good job providing for me. So well, in fact that he feels like a 'super human being.' Then he says, we were a 'romantic' married couple but that ended a decade ago (didn't I call that the number continues to go down!!! And remember at BD he said we were NEVER happy!!).
This is where it gets a bit silly. He tells me the romantic things ended when I had a man's card hidden in my cell phone. He also thinks I once went on a double date. Background: when we were newly married, something was wrong with my cell phone and the guy who repaired it slipped his card onto the battery behind the cover?!? I was telling h about my phone problem and out popped the card when he we went to look at the battery. He thinks I was fooling around with the guy! I was NOT. And I have no idea why he put the card in there. And like I would put the card in there and then tell h about the phone problem so he could look?!? As for the double date, I went to NYC to visit my sister. I was already married and my sister's boyfriend brought a guy friend to dinner, who was vistiting from out of town. When I told h he called it a double date and was furious?!? I realize now he was quite insecure, overall.
So back to his text. Then he lists various other things I did wrong, that I already apologized for (MANY) times. He tells me the last straw was when I embarrassed him in front of my sisters. (I assume he means that he slept downstairs when they came because I did not want him in my bedroom??) It is funny that he said two different things were the last straw: when the repair guys's card was found in my cell phone/ when I went on the "double date." (Guess I should have told the guy to go back to Chicago or wherever it was he was visiting from?!?). The double date is so stupid. So he thinks my sister was setting up her married sister?!? And then the other last straw was when I embarrassed him in front of my sisters, even though he moved down there.
He ends by telling me that he is done a ton for me. And he wants me to drop the morgue routine.
Pretty much all he asks is to know how I am thinking. Is this a temp check?
I am not sure how much to engage. I think it is not coincidental that I tell him he is off/needs help and he writes me this long text of how great he is. He again points out my flaws and then asks how I think. All I wanted was the money for the tournament!!! That's it!
Here are the things I think: A. in light of his erratic behavior I am not a money grubber for saving some portion of money in my name. In fact he should, and probably does, have some portion in HIS own name, too. If there is anything I have learned, it's that mental sanity is not a guarentee. B. I will not apologize anymore for things I have already apologized for. C. HE is off and he is trying to deflect and project onto me. D. He is too immature, still, to forgive the past and move on. E. I think his obsessions with my supposed marital infidelities are about him trying to feel better about what he has thought and maybe what he has done. I have never come close to having an affair. It is a complete and utter turn off to me.
Anyway, not sure how much to divulge about what I think. Any advice?
HaWho - I think he's trying to build a man out of straw - or a house if you like the 3 little pigs story.
It's not substantial and he may even know it. My thought is to let it blow over. I don't expect that even if the words go into his ears that he'll listen and it will give him more straws to add.
There's an interesting article that I read pre-BD - not sure if it was after W's A started or not. I was very excited about it and had W read it. Shortly after that she started squirreling away money as well. Google (adjusting spelling) "fvck off fund" - which talks about the importance of having your own money and being independent even when in a relationship. I doubt if showing it to H would have any impact but it might make you feel better.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I think I would sit on this latest drama for a while. He's not a happy camper about not getting the attention for purchasing the landline. The bike was what your son wanted. He thinks he can't do anything right and no one appreciates his efforts. He's frustrated as heck.
I do think he's not a happy camper and he's really trying to push your buttons over everything. So, he can't see the forest for the trees because he's not thinking rationally, but emotionally at the moment. He thinks that you are at fault for the world spinning. You had no control over the repairman putting his card in your phone as well as no control over an additional person joining you and your sister and her boyfriend for dinner. You would be been rude to have said anything about the friend joining you.
As for making him look silly in front of your family when they came to visit, well that was all on him. He's tried so many things to get you to explode and say something that would help justify him leaving and yet, you haven't. He's frustrated and he doesn't know what to do.
Here's my advice...do nothing for now. Allow him to fume for a while and when things have calmed down, I would arrange a meeting w/him to discuss w/him as to what he thinks a friendship looks like. Friends do not treat friends the way he has. Friends do not talk to friends the way he has. HaWho, you may not reach him w/words, but you can w/actions. Can you treat him as a friend?
When in doubt, do nothing...sit quietly and the answers will come. BTW, I'm sorry he's off the rails again. I do hope that you have a nice weekend.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Andrew - thanks so much for the perspective and advice.
Job - thanks for all that. It's funny you mention him feeling under appreciated. This morning he asked s11 what time his game was. S11 answered and h said "ok, well I'll be there if you want me to be." So I see he feels left rejected. (Of course, he should go because he is a father and he should want to be there!). S11 answered: of course I want you to be there.
I do want to sit on it all. However, not answering anything back feels a bit cold. Job - Might I text back something? Maybe: ok, let me think about all this. It feels odd to say absolutely nothing. But then, that would be a 180 for me.
As for friendship, that is a hard one and a big part of why I am hesitant to say too much. I can certainly be "friendly" towards him. In all sincerity, if I were to become friends with him it would be in the hopes that he would blossom into a person worthy of being friends with. Truth be told, I've never been friends with a guy like him/who he is today.
I think if I don't answer anything he will be pretty insulted.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho is it me or do I detect a glimmer of caring about what you think of him in there? It could be just his insecurity or his need for approval, but why does he even care what you (or your sisters) think of him? After all his crazy behaviour what does it matter? i don't into what you should reply? Validate? Impossible! Not sure what to suggest HaWho... sorry
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
If you feel the need to respond back, I would suggest something like this: "h, I'm sorry you feel the way that you do towards me and the situation here, but I need some time to think about what you've posted for a day or so and then let's sit down and talk about this."
You do need some time to calm down and truly think about his comments and when you do have a meet up w/him, stay calm, keep your voice calm and even and always look him in the eyes. If something isn't clear, repeat it back to him and see if you have understood him correctly.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi HaWho, I'm just lurking, catching up on your sitch (I have my own thread but haven't posted lately as not much going on!).
I don't have any advice but whilst I was reading about your H accusing you of having As and his insecurities a light seemed to go on in my head and I remembered a really awful few years when my Dad was constantly accusing my Mum of the same things. My Mum went to a Catholic boarding school and didn't have anyone else except my Dad, didn't go out socially so we were all very confused! Once he even found a random valentines message in the local newspaper and said it was to her from her OM it was so odd! I remember he was was so angry all the time and very irrational. I now realise he must have been going through his own MLC, I just never put two and two together. Funnily enough although he is sad that H left (he cried) he has been really understanding which is very unlike my Dad so maybe he recognises something of himself in what my H is going through...
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
I think I feel better about texting something back Job. I like your idea.
The text he sent was sooo long. I missed a few other pearls. He tells me I don't contribute anything positive to his life and it seems with malice. (Wow, that is harsh.) He says he does everything for me, year in and year out and gets only negative in return. And he also asks that for once I be a reciprocal friend to him and tell him what on earth I are doing/trying to accomplish.
Why would he want to be friends with someone that he views as bringing nothing positive to his life? And really, what an opening salvo! This is like insulting a woman (and her mother) and then asking her out for a drink!!!
I will wait a few days and then talk to him about how he sees a reciprocal friendship. But, I don't think he's really ready for that. He makes so many low blows and I am still "the cause" of so many his problems. Part of me thinks he's just worried that I am plotting something and he's on a fact finding mission.
I will let him do most of the talking. If he asks me any questions, I'll probably just hedge and say I need some time to think about things. And this is truth. In general, I will keep it really short.
I really dread talking to him. In the last 2 years he has said the most outlandish things to me.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
i am sorry to read this new development. the $ issue is a big button for me, as during the time my exh and i lived together during his mlc he controlled the money to the point of actually having bank accounts without my name on them and would dole out $ as he felt i needed it. i cannot tell you how many times i went to the grocery store and had my debit card declined. i still get anxious every time i use a card to buy something, even though i know there.s no reason to. Ha I tell you these things because I want you to know beyond any doubt that having your own "move my tent to another village in a hurry if i need to" money is imperative, I think, to peace of mind and absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. hang in there xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
