I agree w/Ginger. Sometimes, we have to stand our ground and tell it like it is. Even though they are out to lunch, we have to do this and you know what? They'll respect you more for it at the end of the day. Don't apologize again for anything that you've already apologized for.
You are a great mom and your sons are great boys. Don't allow this man to rattle your cage. He's got a lot of issues and I often wonder just how he would survive living elsewhere. As for the up all night deal...his demons are talking to him and he can't sleep because his brain is on autopilot all night long. Poor man.
Keep moving forward. You have the patience of a saint and he doesn't know just how lucky he is to have you for a wife.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Bee - so true! He is patting himself on the back for standing outside a bus and waving for 30 seconds and yet he has come into the boys' rooms FIVE times in 2 YEARS! And bedtime is when all my kids' concerns/issues arise. Of course, judging from all that is going on in h's room at "bedtime," it's the same for him.
Bttrfly - LOL! Love the Russian send off.
Ginger - yes, I see all that. And I get it, finally; I really do. You are so sharp. And I want to thank you for all the help you've given me on my thread.
Job - I am SO done re-apologizing for issues. Honestly, he just has little self awareness. I think it's been lacking for many years and it's worsened in MLC. Unfortunately, I see now that I accidentally enabled it to worsen, further, by taking flak and apologizing for the sake of keeping peace. BIG mistake with his personality type + the addition of MLC. I should have been doing the exact opposite. I needed to kindly, but firmly build strong, strong boundaries based on his personality type.
Today I woke up and wanted to create a profile for him on Match.com. Slap his smiling picture on there, give a quick (but brutally honest) bio, show a picture of his living quarters and release him to the single ladies of the world. How funny would that be if he suddenly started receiving calls out of the blue? And based on the true bio I would write (he has his bathroom cleaned TWICE a YEAR!!!), I would LOVE to see who responds. He thinks he is the cat's meow.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Ugh, I can so feel your frustration and anger. You miss something and he is all over it and not in a nice way...
I'm glad you received some sort of apology from him. It sounds as though he knows he went a little too far there.
As for the Match.com....weeell I'm a little in to the married guys who lock themselves into their own quarters in the marital home and practice hands off parenting...just kidding...
Reminds me of soon after BD when I realised I had access to XH's Meetups profile. He'd been contacted by an old friend and asked if he wanted to go out. He politely declined saying she hoped he'd understand he was fresh out of a R and it was too soon to start dating. Bits he didn't mention were - he hadn't told me our R was over (only I'm confused) and that he had been having an A. Part of me would love to have told her not to touch him with a 10 foot pole...
Keep on moving forward my friend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Things are mostly quiet here. H barely comes out of his room at all. I think if I counted how many words we spoke to each other per week, these days it would be under 50/week even though we live under the same roof. I wonder if I should try something different.
S11 had his birthday and there was oddity around that. We had settled on the day a month ago while all of us were eating dinner. I assumed h had asked S11 for the exact details as we had only narrowed down the day for the party at that time.
H picked out his own gift for S. It was an odd one. (The birthday gift for S13, this year, was also off/for a much younger child.) We use only cell phones now and have for the last few years. (H dropped the landline 1 month before BD. When he bombed me, I started to think he dropped it so that a crazy affair partner could not reach him/me at home.) Anyway, H's gift to S11 was a landline! And he went and got almost the same number we used to have. He requested it.
I will get a big fat F for BDing on this one but I joked: oh, that is just what every 12 year old wants in 2016.
S11 does not yet have a cell phone. H said this way s can make his own calls? S is only home alone for a few minutes at a time. He is only 11! But he never calls friends and vice versa. I know for sure S11 did not ask for a landline and I am thinking maybe h is in the past thinking about what HE wanted when he was 11ish? Hmm.
Anyway, a few days before the party I mentioned something and h suddenly knew nothing about the party!?! So I reminded him he was at the table when we finalized the date. But I did text him apologizing for not giving the details. I told him I just assumed that he asked s (as he usually does this to avoid talking to me). And I told him what s11 wanted for his birthday, a bike with gears (which is something very normal for his age).
Then h got very mad and sent me a nasty text. He told me he already bought a gift; the landline and it would cost something each month. This is where DBing saves me. I simply said: "I had no idea S had asked you for a landline. When I asked what he wanted, he told me a bike." And I left it at that.
He never texted back and he was in a snit/ignored me all weekend. Guess it was all my fault.
BUT, come Sunday we did take S11 bike shopping and h came. He was back like himself. He ascertained what size/brand best worked for S11. He was able to concentrate on the task at hand. Then he said he would comparative shop (like he used to). And he did it. He took S11 and bought something the next day.
He sent me a pic, told me how much he saved and he did a nice job. I validated and when they came home I took a spin, too, as did S13. It's nice!
Otherwise, All Quiet on the MLC Front.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Hey HaWho, great job standing for yourself. Maybe this is what is needed in your case, as the validation seems to be not doing any good. I’m so sorry that you are feeling the pain again from that d@rn letter and that you are in so much stress with everything else that is on your plate right now. You are a great Mom and all I see that you are trying to take of your sons the best you can, considering that you have to deal with your H’s MLC, and essentially another child in your house.
I love the idea of Match.com profile! And you could create one for yourself (under a different name, of course). You could learn a lot about him, LOL. No… I’m just kidding. I think it would too painful.
Landline for a 12 year old!!! Hahaha! This is a good one. This is exactly what I thought too, that it must be related to something he wanted when he was that age.
BTW, what is “Russian send off”? Just curious…
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
You're a great mom and I see you doing everything possible to keep things sane for your children's sake.
I will admit, part of me felt bad for your h with the landline story. How sad to be that out of touch. I imagine his feelings will be hurt when he realizes s11 ain't interested! I definitely can see how this could have been something he wanted as a young boy. I wonder if he sprung for the call waiting?!
How intetesting that he purposefully requested a number similar to your old one.
I'm glad to read that the bike shopping endeavor was even keeled and pleasant. That's a win!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
HaWho, You'll get no 2x4's from me over this birthday gift. A landline? Who purchases a landline for an eleven year old in today's society? Sounds like his home didn't have a phone when he was that age and he wished for one. I'm glad you spoke up on that one.
I'm also glad your son got the bike he requested. I do hope he had a good birthday even though it got off to a rather odd start.
How are you doing? I know Christmas is around the corner (again) and the tree will be up in his dorm room once more. Any thoughts as to what you'll get Peter Pan this year?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh goodness me - a landline?? I can understand if he had asked...and maybe with a point in his room and a funky phone. But otherwise? Oh boy, I may have read it all now.
HaWho, I do take my hat off to you across the ocean here. You are doing so well and it must be so trying at times. Kudos to you.
Thank goodness for the bike!!
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Bright - the Russian send off was a reference to Bttrfly signing off by writing "dosvedanya."
Feyth - LOL on the call waiting feature. One really cool feature is that it is NOT (even) cordless and it has giant buttons for dialing. It has not rung once! Not even telemarketers are calling. But when they do start, I am looking forward to paying a monthly bill so that I can politely ask telemarketers to take me off their call list. (Then I'll call that 800 number where I can put the landline on the "do call list".) When I am on my cell phone I swear that landline looks at me like: why did you bother bringing me here to this graveyard?!?
Sotto - I know! At least get him a cool mallard duck phone and put it in his room. Nope. It's corded and in the kitchen. This is particularly cool phone real estate for S11. I am sure when he grows interested in having private conversations he'll for sure opt for the kitchen landline (so I can hear ALL he says) vs. wanting his own cell phone. I doubt he'll be interested in texting.
Job - thanks for asking how I am. I am looking forward to going back east for XMAS. I miss my family. I miss the woods and snow. My sister lives close to where I grew up and the boys and I will stay on with her (while h returns). I love to sit in her kitchen and just watch the snow, the squirrels or the birds. She has a great dog and we take him for long walks in the woods. Wish my dog could meet her dog!
H mentioned he too is looking forward to returning. And the reason why? He can't wait to see how old his brother has grown. Ugh. The obsession with aging is brutal. His brother is a little older and yet still has jet black hair. BIL insists it s natural and says he has n
Detaching has been good for me. And yet when I do glance over at h, I find myself
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I will pick up where I left off: BIL says his hair is natural. I can tell h is wondering why he is going grey but his brother is not. I have told h that BIL is coloring and not fessing up. In his 20's BIL had dark hair but obviously had hints of other hues. Suddenly his hair is monochromatic black and it's all natural? And yet he has whites on his face. Sure, it's natural; wink, wink, nod, nod.
Point is: h is obsessed with aging. He also told me he can't wait to see how old his brother looks?!?
So as I detach it saves me but when I glance over at h, I just grow concerned at how out of it he is. He is really in his own world over there. Last night I woke up at 11PM to him playing really loud music.
Job - yep, almost time for the "seasonal" tree to make it's debut. H did tell me it can be used all year long! As for an XMAS gift for h? Maybe he is ready for an Atari???
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
