Well, this weekend h is in again in the dorm room ALL weekend long. So far he has been outside those 4 walls for all of 2 or 3 hours. He is listening those same songs from last weekend. (The boys and I watched football and I intentionally turned the volume up to block it all out. If the TV wasn't on, I played cheerful music.)
And at S11's game, h was back to headphones on (during the whole game) and standing off all by himself. That, too, is how he was back in the spring. Other parents took note. He certainly stands out.
Meanwhile, I had a productive weekend. I ran errands and cleaned the house. S13 made a really nice dinner on Saturday. He is getting to be such a good cook!
The other day just after I made dinner I wasn't feeling well. S13, without being asked, cleaned up the whole kitchen! He put all the food away, cleaned all the pots and then brought me up some tea. I am so proud of the little man he is turning into and I happily told him so. S11 came up to keep me company. I am fortunate. They are really thoughtful, good boys.
Sometimes it surprises me given the dysfunction going on down in that kooky dorm room. I hope it is true, for all our sakes that it just takes one strong parent to pull our kids through this hot mess. I see it happening in other threads and I remind myself of this constantly.
I am going to leave the house for a hike because I feel the urge to barge in there A-Team style to tell him that he is lost, depressed and paranoid.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
hang in there Ha ... I didn't want to add to the last thread as it was over 100 posts. Honey I have no freaking idea how you do what you do. I've come to realize in hindsight that I, too, was living with an active MLCer for several years before BD. While my exH had his own quirks and foibles, the basic theme of MLC ran straight and true, sadly ... I did all the wrong things, not knowing about DB and MWD's body of work. In fact, I had no idea what I was dealing with. Hindsight = 20/20.
Ha, I'm Catholic also. This is how it was explained to me: the Church will not recognize me as divorced ... so, I'm still married and all's fine in the eyes of the Church as long as I live as a faithful wife to your exH. If I date, then that's considered adultery. If I remarry, it won't be recognized.
So, that's what I can share. I know for me, that's been a very painful part of this whole mess. I was comforted by the knowledge that all's cool unless I start dating. I will jump off that bridge when I get to it. Hope this helps you my friend.
xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Sometimes it surprises me given the dysfunction going on down in that kooky dorm room. I hope it is true, for all our sakes that it just takes one strong parent to pull our kids through this hot mess. I see it happening in other threads and I remind myself of this constantly.
You should be proud of them HaWho, it sounds like they are doing really well.
I also hope that one parent can inspire a sense of security and break the cycle of dysfunctional relationships. I was really worried about that, and if I'm honest it is still my biggest worry (and the thing that I'm struggling to forgive H for the most), but seeing how happy my children are at the moment gives me strength.
I struggle to understand what goes through their MLC affectedminds, but I promised myself I would do the best for my kids, and at least that seems to be working.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Hi HaWho. Like bttrfly, I didn't want to add to your last thread due to the length, but I'm still following along.
Your two boys are a couple of awesome kids. In spite of the hurdles and obstacles you've had to deal with, you are quite obviously a blue ribbon Mom.
I'm stilling smiling about the A-Team comment as I know exactly how you feel. There are so many times I want to say to H, "Here, drink this STFU smoothie. Then plaster this duct tape across your mouth. I'll tie your arms and legs to the chair and you will sit and listen to a tale about a trip to crazy-ville and you, dear H, are the main character!"
Hiking is better, no?
xoxoxo 2T
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Bttrfly - hmm. I read what you wrote about the Catholic stance and cried FOUL! There MUST be some clause in fine print in case your spouse turns completely crazy. And yes, you were living with him through anger and denial.
Hi Esame, nice to hear from you. The best you can do is be the parent they need right now.
2T - YES! That is exactly what I wanted to do!!! Thank goodness I have learned to leave the house in a hurry. The neighbors probably think my house is on fire from the way I sometimes dash out of here.
I feel myself further drifting off from him. Yesterday I found myself wondering what keeps him here. This time last year he'd given me the dreaded letter. And at the end of it he wrote that if I did not do what he wanted me to do, he would respectfully go off and find it with ALL the women he knew would do these things for him. So arrogant. And yet he's still here.
Last week, I was in line in my car waiting to pick up my s from practice. H came up and slammed his face up to the window to scare me. I laughed (and did get really scared). He laughed too. I could tell he was checking out my legs and it made me feel really uncomfortable. Ever since that letter, I find him kind of creepy/weird because what he wrote was, well, so creepy and weird. I think what is hardest for me is that, truth be told, this is not someone with whom I would be friends. NOT AT ALL. I can be sort of friendly with him in the same way you're nice to a completely mentally unstable co - worker.
This morning he came just to the hall outside the kitchen and asked if my email was still _____. I said yep. I found it sad. Does he really not remember my email address? Or is he laying the foundation to tell me something is coming to me electronically?
I did feel a panic. Usually the more deliberate he is about talking to me, the crazier the information he relays. So I was preparing myself. Maybe he was going to go back to one of his original "plans."
The email came minutes after he asked for my address. The subject said "options" and I was convinced he was going to recommend one of his old plans: running off to Thailand for a few years with a few women, have an open marriage, to be Indiana Jones, just leave for a few years to be "free."
But actually it was about a few financial plans. He told me S13 will be in college in 5 years--something I HAVE told him throughout much of his preposterous MLC "planning!" When he recommended getting himself a beach shag pad I sarcastically said: "great! Just be sure YOU explain to S13 why there is no college money for him!"
He seems bent on showing me that he is financially responsible. In the spring he told me his plan was to spend the summer living it up just for himself. He counted summer as March - October! (His "summer" spanned THREE seasons!!!). In actuality that is not what he did per my watching the financials.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
But actually it was about a few financial plans. He told me S13 will be in college in 5 years--something I HAVE told him throughout much of his preposterous MLC "planning!" When he recommended getting himself a beach shag pad I sarcastically said: "great! Just be sure YOU explain to S13 why there is no college money for him!"
He seems bent on showing me that he is financially responsible. In the spring he told me his plan was to spend the summer living it up just for himself. He counted summer as March - October! (His "summer" spanned THREE seasons!!!). In actuality that is not what he did per my watching the financials.
And?!!
Does any one of them make sense at all? Or is he still firmly on Planet Zog?
Hi Wonka - yes, the information he sent did make sense. I should have pointed that little detail out! He has also discussed two small investments he made. He did so by doing that thing where he tells the children the info. even though I am the adult in the room.
It's a far cry from two years ago when he wanted to rent a shag pad on the beach ($$$) and party like a rock star. Those were Space Mountain-esque like rollercoaster days.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Interesting little thing happened last night. And for anyone who has time to read this, I'd appreciate any advice.
S13 has a hard course load and I think he should drop one of his honors classes. He is only in 8th grade and it is too much stress. So I pulled h aside and updated him/asked his opinion. He said let's discuss it more with S and see what he wants to do.
H left to take s11 to practice and I texted him to say something further about s13's course load. We were corresponding back and forth. H threw in a few jokes like his old self. I am of European descent and h made a joke that if he was "going European" he should have gone with a neighboring country (and one that he knows has always rivaled my home country). Then he gave a smiley face. This is his old humor. I countered that a mail order bride catalog was more his style and also gave a smiley face. We always joked a lot.
Cagey as the comment was, it is interesting that he referenced himself as anything other than a single guy. But odd as this sounds, I sensed he was weirded out that he is married and couldn't address me as his wife. He references me as the mother to his children, never as his wife.
Anyway, he texted that I should go on a walk with him and the dog when he came home as we should discuss this more. He was authoritative about it, in a way h has not been in years. He was saying we needed to take charge and help him. I said ok to the walk.
We only went for 20 or so minutes and we stuck to S13, outside a few jokes. It is the first time he has asked me to go somewhere in a year and a half. He made a lot of eye contact and he was making a lot of sense.
As we were walking into the house h told me he now has an allergic reaction to a certain food. When he eats too much of certain foods his body goes through a period where he needs to take a break. I told him I was sorry and that I would stop cooking that for a while. I voiced concern that he had an allergic reaction. He laughed and said that when he woke up with the reaction he thought it was funny that if he had died locked in that room it probably would have taken me 3 days to discover him.
It wasn't until later that it clicked this was definitely coming from a childhood hurt. As I've written before there is evidence that his mother did not care from him properly when he was quite seriously sick. He remembers begging to go to a hospital. I feel like I missed an opportunity there. I voiced concern and told him we wouldn't eat that for a while but I feel like I could have done better here?!? I have thought about texting him today and saying that it's not safe for him to sleep behind a locked door. Job (if you're reading) or others, thoughts on this?? I guess my concern is that he has cast me into the role as his mother. So if I suggest he sleep with his door unlocked, would be further think I am after him?!?
I kind of got derailed by the allergic part of the story because I was so shocked that he sleeps with his door locked against his own family. I am thinking this is what he wanted to do as a kid to feel safe?!? He did not have a lock on his childhood bedroom. This is heart breaking but he hid in his closet a lot.
I really believe he has to get through that particular issue with his mother to get through the paranoia. I wish I could say to him that he misunderstood her intentions. But sadly, I have on several occasions seen evidence that she was cavalier about his health and even his life threatening allergies. She was indeed negligent to an alarming degree.
When we came home he scurried off into the dorm room and poof, he was MIA.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Just my thinking, he is in a sorts processing things ... some things we notice most we do not. I would not beat yourself up about the "I coulda done this .. said that" bit, sounds like you caught a glimpse here and there of the old H and that does happen, I would get a taste here and there too but like you said, he has that issue with Mommy Dearest he will most likely need to traverse through and doing that solo is tough ... they do not need counseling as far as they are concerned right?
I think you missed the fact you were there, just being there is often bigger than anything you could say (Can't fix them with a sentence ya know .... can't fix em period) ... in many cases that STFU smoothie works wonders and allows them to really talk to themselves pretending they are talking to us.
