Untreated hyper- or hypothyroidism can be fatal, so you may want to suggest that he gets it checked just for that reason. Or suggest it to his mother, she seems to have some influence?
If he ever saw a doctor for his heart problems, it should have been checked at that time but sometimes they don't think outside their box.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
For me, being called abusive and then later having my words distorted to make it look like I was that crazy mom trying to keep poor hubby away from son was REALLY traumatizing. It made me really question myself. It made it difficult for me to make decisions. Having the person I trusted and committed myself to villify me the way he did was probably the worst part. I feel really damaged because if it. It's like I'm not sure how to be anymore.
I've been put off at times by the personal growth attitude on these forums.
In the beginning it's "I want to grow so I can save my marriage". Then it's "I want to grow so I can be healthy in a future relationship". Both very reasonable, good desires.
How can personal growth be bad? When it supports an unrealistic and impractical view of relationships. If we are convinced that through personal growth we are going to be more mature, selfless, balanced, less needy, able to hold out for a healthier relationship, and better recognize the 'flags' of others and find a better, more mature partner, without foo/personality/addiction disorders, and somehow through our growth, maturity, independence, self love, and wisdom, we are going to have this wholesome robust marriage that we've always longed for...in the end I don't think that helps anyone, because it disqualifies almost all potential partners either at the onset or once the bubble bursts.
I personally feel a big gap between how I feel about myself, and how I feel others would feel about me. Personally I feel I am an awesome guy, and a great potential partner. Like some woman would be very, very lucky to get me. I am 100% committed, not just to a relationship, but to making it a good relationship. I am smart enough to understand a lot of how relationships work, but humble enough to understand that what my partner thinks is just as real and important and I don't have it all figured out. I am gainfully employed, driven, loyal, funny, and dedicated to my partner. I would never cheat. And I am prepared to navigate through all seasons for the long haul...YET...though I feel I am a great catch, I don't feel like I'd meet the requirements of most women or pass their red flags, I feel I'd bring some 'deal breakers' that would eliminate me. It's very odd, I feel I am a catch that no one would want. I see the confident, tall, suave, alpha males, and think I am more genuine and committed and tougher and deeper than most, yet in the social market value world their stock is high, and mine is disqualified. I feel the standards are unreasonably escalated standards. So it's like I imagine a few dating types:
Inexperienced women that don't know what they are signing up for, and will likely bail when things get tough.
Divorced/separated women who's response is to say "I won't put up with that again, I'm more mature and I deserve someone else who is too, I am not going to ever be that needy again so I don't have to settle for that crap..." I won't make that cut.
Partial relationships, in which both people settle for a half a$$ relationship, where they don't marry or move in together, but retain bf/gf status and go places on the weekends.
I have learned a lot from my experience, and I'm not the man I was, but I don't subscribe to the idea that I am going to bloom into Zues2.0 and I'll suddenly be worthy of a relationship and love. Personally, I think I was worthy of love and commitment before, and while I would do things differently, if the partner that married me, committed to me, had children with me, spent the first part of her life with me, and gave herself to me without reservation and regardless of my flaws...if SHE left, then how is a person with higher standards and more screening and more cautious to make a commitment and stronger boundaries willing to put up with less crap...how is THAT person going to put up with me?
That's why I am discouraged. That is why I am sometimes put off with the compulsion towards personal growth. I'm doing the best I can, but I do have foo/personality/addiction battles, and I don't want any relationship I enter to be conditional on meeting standards I don't know I can achieve.
This isn't aimed to be critical of DBers that are growing, recovering, and trying to avoid toxic situations. That's what we are here to do.
These are just my feelings. Mine. My issues. But I wanted to share and talk about it. Maybe there are other people that feel the same way and can understand this. If nothing else, maybe it helps people understand where I'm coming from on some of my less mainstream views.
Take care all!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Personally, I think I was worthy of love and commitment before, and while I would do things differently, if the partner that married me, committed to me, had children with me, spent the first part of her life with me, and gave herself to me without reservation and regardless of my flaws...if SHE left, then how is a person with higher standards and more screening and more cautious to make a commitment and stronger boundaries willing to put up with less crap...how is THAT person going to put up with me?
The flaw I see in this argument is that you're accepting the premise that she left you because something was wrong with you.
All spouses who leave are going to blame the partner. And even if they don't, LBS will ask what's wrong so the WAS comes up with something.
I think what we can look at in ourselves is whether we have some really bad habits and/or if we didn't do what we should have done when the R showed signs of trouble, and try to change those habits and be sure to not let things slide in the future.
And always remember that you weren't the one who left.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
It doesn't matter who the next person is. What matters is that you both connect and communicate. M is work. You, I and others on this board own 50% of that work. You still DB, validate and do all the positive things that you learned from every marriage book you have read. You categorize three types of partners/relationships in the future. Labeling will not make a difference on how healthy the R or M is. What will make a difference is hearing your partner and how you take action on what you hear.
Although you will have to learn how to behave differently with your new partner, at least you have a baseline from a past R and can assess the difference and build on that. Will it be more difficult to assess than if you reconciled with your ex because your new partner may have different a different love language or different needs/wants? Maybe.
The good thing is you are more educated on relationships now and will be able to recognize those wants/needs quicker than you did in your last R.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
For me, being called abusive and then later having my words distorted to make it look like I was that crazy mom trying to keep poor hubby away from son was REALLY traumatizing. It made me really question myself. It made it difficult for me to make decisions. Having the person I trusted and committed myself to villify me the way he did was probably the worst part. I feel really damaged because if it. It's like I'm not sure how to be anymore.
This ^^^ is how I feel. My W, ILs, and her L are vilifying me. It really rocks your world. Sometimes I am not sure who I am anymore. It really makes you question yourself. It is fascinating how we can be brainwashed by others, but it is very difficult to brainwash ourselves. Why is it that we trust what our Ss say - or at least are very affected by it - but we cannot convince ourselves of our true merit. I suppose if we could, we would not be on these boards right now. Everyone is here because at some level we were damaged by the things our S did and/or said to us.
For me, being called abusive and then later having my words distorted to make it look like I was that crazy mom trying to keep poor hubby away from son was REALLY traumatizing. It made me really question myself. It made it difficult for me to make decisions. Having the person I trusted and committed myself to villify me the way he did was probably the worst part. I feel really damaged because if it. It's like I'm not sure how to be anymore.
This ^^^ is how I feel. My W, ILs, and her L are vilifying me. It really rocks your world. Sometimes I am not sure who I am anymore. It really makes you question yourself. It is fascinating how we can be brainwashed by others, but it is very difficult to brainwash ourselves. Why is it that we trust what our Ss say - or at least are very affected by it - but we cannot convince ourselves of our true merit. I suppose if we could, we would not be on these boards right now. Everyone is here because at some level we were damaged by the things our S did and/or said to us.
RAI
Or...maybe we can brainwash ourselves, and we are unfairly hard on ourselves. Because of that others that see our value or speak positively are dismissed or unheard, and those that speak critically we hear loudly and take it as 'truth' because it aligns with our preconceived beliefs.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
It's been a long time since I last posted. Some interesting posts, I am only just reading. So sorry. I have really been struggling. My anxiety has been at an all time high regarding proceeding with certain legal issues, that I won't get too into just yet, much as I love and appreciate all advise. I have been procrastinating and just ignoring it and now I have to face it and it's really stressful and disturbing.
It basically been an issue of having to make a legal move that morally bothers me, but is an absolute must as per every lawyer I speak to. It's an issue of not knowing what the right decision is and just freezing and being incapable of making any decision even at my own expense. I feel like I am betraying a husband who left me and I know that's crazy. I feel guilt over my role in relationship demise. I worry that husband is taking advantage and hiding stuff from me as well. I also worry that I have villified husband and that I am in fact wrong in my assessments and follow up actions.
I am basically really miserable and depressed and have been having trouble coming on these forums, but would like to catch up again.
I have also been having so much trouble with my son. Which is another huge source of stress. The behavior is just so hard and there has been a recent diagnosis from psychologist that he may be high functioning but on spectrum. Meds have been suggested, but something I will not consider as of yet. I am trying to arrange family therapy for him and it's been really hard to even find someone.
For me, being called abusive and then later having my words distorted to make it look like I was that crazy mom trying to keep poor hubby away from son was REALLY traumatizing. It made me really question myself. It made it difficult for me to make decisions. Having the person I trusted and committed myself to villify me the way he did was probably the worst part. I feel really damaged because if it. It's like I'm not sure how to be anymore.
I've been put off at times by the personal growth attitude on these forums.
In the beginning it's "I want to grow so I can save my marriage". Then it's "I want to grow so I can be healthy in a future relationship". Both very reasonable, good desires.
How can personal growth be bad? When it supports an unrealistic and impractical view of relationships. If we are convinced that through personal growth we are going to be more mature, selfless, balanced, less needy, able to hold out for a healthier relationship, and better recognize the 'flags' of others and find a better, more mature partner, without foo/personality/addiction disorders, and somehow through our growth, maturity, independence, self love, and wisdom, we are going to have this wholesome robust marriage that we've always longed for...in the end I don't think that helps anyone, because it disqualifies almost all potential partners either at the onset or once the bubble bursts.
i really do not disagree with this. It would be nice to be accepted for my imperfections and to accept someone else's imperfections. For me, it's trying to find someone committed and faithful. And accepting that my husband was not (although not sure about the faithful part) . My parents are so flawed to the point where you can probably make a sitcom about it. And they just deal with and accept those flaws. That is what I want. I think the red flags I seek in someone are going to be based on finding someone committed and faithful vs. caring about other issues. Although this scares me, because I thought my husband was like that.
I personally feel a big gap between how I feel about myself, and how I feel others would feel about me. Personally I feel I am an awesome guy, and a great potential partner. Like some woman would be very, very lucky to get me. I am 100% committed, not just to a relationship, but to making it a good relationship. I am smart enough to understand a lot of how relationships work, but humble enough to understand that what my partner thinks is just as real and important and I don't have it all figured out. I am gainfully employed, driven, loyal, funny, and dedicated to my partner. I would never cheat. And I am prepared to navigate through all seasons for the long haul...YET...though I feel I am a great catch, I don't feel like I'd meet the requirements of most women or pass their red flags, I feel I'd bring some 'deal breakers' that would eliminate me. It's very odd, I feel I am a catch that no one would want. I see the confident, tall, suave, alpha males, and think I am more genuine and committed and tougher and deeper than most, yet in the social market value world their stock is high, and mine is disqualified. I feel the standards are unreasonably escalated standards. So it's like I imagine a few dating types:
I think it's great that you are confident in what you can bring to a relationship. that's a sign of a really nice guy, because I notice you do not seem to be making demands of what you want in a female. From a female perspective, I wouldn't worry about the social market value. I remember reading an old post between you and jelly regarding those concerns. Quite frankly my husband would score high on those scales, but those types of scales are just so superficial and mean nothing.(car driven, shoulder/waist ratios???) you wouldn't want a person that those things matter to anyway. You don't necessarily have to be classically good looking to be attractive to someone.
Inexperienced women that don't know what they are signing up for, and will likely bail when things get tough.
Divorced/separated women who's response is to say "I won't put up with that again, I'm more mature and I deserve someone else who is too, I am not going to ever be that needy again so I don't have to settle for that crap..." I won't make that cut.
Partial relationships, in which both people settle for a half a$$ relationship, where they don't marry or move in together, but retain bf/gf status and go places on the weekends.
i wrote something similar to mustard seed regarding potential dating pool. Except my choice b is the divorced men who walked away from their wives and kids but claim their wives pushed them away. I am currently dating someone in choice a. (And yes it may be too early to date someone but that's another story and post because I'm having some doubts). Major red flag for me is that he feels divorce is ok and that he doesn't understand that marriages are not based on things always being easy and wonderful betweent 2 people?. That it is not a matter of meant to be
I have learned a lot from my experience, and I'm not the man I was, but I don't subscribe to the idea that I am going to bloom into Zues2.0 and I'll suddenly be worthy of a relationship and love. Personally, I think I was worthy of love and commitment before, and while I would do things differently, if the partner that married me, committed to me, had children with me, spent the first part of her life with me, and gave herself to me without reservation and regardless of my flaws...if SHE left, then how is a person with higher standards and more screening and more cautious to make a commitment and stronger boundaries willing to put up with less crap...how is THAT person going to put up with me?
That's why I am discouraged. That is why I am sometimes put off with the compulsion towards personal growth. I'm doing the best I can, but I do have foo/personality/addiction battles, and I don't want any relationship I enter to be conditional on meeting standards I don't know I can achieve.
i agree and have written something similar. Especially concerning losing the parent of your child. But it's hard coming to terms with the fact that your spouse did not feel that way and there is nothing you can do about it regardless of whether you are right. I know that any spouse or relationship I have is going to have issues. So as long as it's not unfaithfulness, it might as well be the parent of my child.
This isn't aimed to be critical of DBers that are growing, recovering, and trying to avoid toxic situations. That's what we are here to do.
These are just my feelings. Mine. My issues. But I wanted to share and talk about it. Maybe there are other people that feel the same way and can understand this. If nothing else, maybe it helps people understand where I'm coming from on some of my less mainstream views.
So I surpassed a major milestone....I filed for divorce and husband was served. Lawyers office just called me and I cried hearing he was served.
It felt like a sneaky way to do it. I feel sick. But was told that where we live, it absolutely had to be performed that way. It had potential of being costly if it wasn't. Pure business and tactics. If I didn't do it first, he would have had to do it to me and then I would have been at disadvantage. I hate that. I hate that this is a strategic game.
The statistics show that more women file for divorce. But perhaps they do, after their husbands leave them and in most cases cheat (although i still don't know that he actually cheated) .
This was a tough thing for me to do. Husband wanted mediation. I had concerns regarding mediation but have informed attorney I want things amicable and peaceful. It is so expensive though and we had no real assets. I just did not trust husband and there was never any financial transparency. I still do not know if I made the right decision. It does not feel right. Maybe this will avoid nasty words in a mediators office? I have no legal background though, and just did not feel comfortable negotiating for myself. I knew my emotions would come to play. It didn't make sense to pay a mediator and then to pay lawyers to renegotiate. Why not just pay the lawyers????
Anyway, I am feeling really down..it really is like BD all over again. All my feeling of rejection, and wishing husband would have been willing to work on the marriage are retriggered. My guilt and regret over my role in the marital demise Is back. Sadness about the loss is back. I am really depressed. I do not feel hope or happiness for new opportunities and experiences and for new people.
The only thing is I really have no choice or control in any of this.
My son wants to make love potion number 12 so that we can both drink it and stay married.
