Ramblings of a broken man-The final part.. disclaimer to read at your own risk... Nothing here but nonsense that needs a place to go.....
Merriam Webster- Simple Definition of superhero
Quote:
a fictional character who has amazing powers a very heroic person
Full Definition of superhero
Quote:
a fictional hero having extraordinary or superhuman powers; also : an exceptionally skillful or successful person
Irish called me a superhero at a time that I needed some powers.... I have changed my screen name form SadHub to SH to continue the inspiration of the kind words and support shared with me... SH has the power to mean SuperHero.. or it has the power to mean many other things as my dear friend Phoebe continues to call me, each has it's power to make me smile and feel good....
I have been in a state of feeling like the superhero, the Hulk for a bit.... Feeling smart and wise on the outside like Bruce Banner, but when the anger and rage takes over I lose myself and must take exile so as not to harm those around me with my moods and despair....
Of late, the Superhero that is the hulk has faded from me, and now I am in the nature of the SuperHero, Wolverine.... This character actually first appeared in the last panel of the Incredible Hulk...so it is fitting. I have taken on this Hero as I have this desire to find to about my past so that I can understand why I am the way I am.....I have a unsettled sense below the surface that manifests itself in forms of frustration and crankiness.....I control it though...I just stay in the background and to myself. The loner, as Logan when not in his Wolverine state.
But if those that I hold dear are in harms way or are hurting, I will spring to action to defend them and help them, even if it means putting off my own search for what haunts me and a past that I can not seem to recall with enough clarity to know what is eating at me from within. But I will continue to seek the answers as my loved ones are in a place of peace and comfort....
It is late, and I am drained.... To those that actually read this....I tip my hat.... It really has been day and week of incoherent ramblings for me...
Maybe it is time to step away from this all for a spell..... I must find answers to calm the storm in my mind.....
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
My dear friend, SH, there is as much honor in being a Simple Human as there is in being a Super Hero.
It pains me to hear you refer to yourself as a broken man. Remember: Your Heart has been broken, but YOU are not broken. You're dented and bruised, but not broken.
There is no fault with you for realizing that you cannot take your W back. There is no fault for ever having the thought that you M was not all it could be, or that you weren't connected fully all the time. I am willing to bet that every single married person in the world has had those feelings at one time or another. It's normal, my friend, because we are simple humans.
I am also in the position where I have decided that I cannot take my WH back. Not because of his waywardness, but because of the way he has behaved toward me, because of his utter lack of compassion toward someone he once claimed to love. I don't think that I can recover from that. I don't think that I could ever feel safe with him again. While my WH was checking out, and I was sensing something was "off" but couldn't figure out what it was exactly, I also had thoughts that maybe our MR wasn't working out. Like you, I pushed those thoughts aside and chose to work on my MR. Just because I had those thoughts doesn't mean that I hastened the collapse of my M. It was simply me sensing that the winds were changing. You and I both chose to stay and work.
Marriage isn't always about being madly IN love with someone. The ILYBINILWY nonsense is simply a cop-out used to rationalize a choice to leave a MR. The intensity of love varies over time and it takes maturity and kindness and compassion to recognize that and to nurture the flame of love when it is guttering.
Marriage and love is a choice, one we made every single day. I chose to be with my H. I chose to love him, and I did so, more deeply every day. Was I head over heels every day? Of course not. That's fantasy land. It's Limerence. What I felt for my H was as real as gravity, and sometimes it hurt as much as falling down a flight of stairs, and yet I made a choice to work for it. So did you.
Our spouses chose otherwise.
I urge you to try to extend to yourself some of the compassion that you have given to others here and to your own friends and family. Were you a perfect spouse? Were you head over heels every minute? I doubt that anyone could ever live up to that standard, but you chose to be there and put in the effort. Maybe in hindsight your efforts weren't everything you wish they had been. Please give yourself credit for what you DID. You tried, you stayed, you wanted to make things better. You have shown compassion in the face of rage and behavior that defies explanation. You have been the lighthouse. You have been the rock that your children have clung to while your spouse has gone off on journey that no one can fully understand, including her.
Forgive yourself. Inside that Super Hero suit lives a Simple Human, and I mean that in the very best sense of the word. Simple = honest, pure, unalloyed. I use it in admiration and as a badge of honor. You are worthy of compassion and self-love, my friend.
((((((((((Silver Heart))))))))))
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
You know I have been wanting to reduce the time I spend on this forum and now you decide to write pages and pages!! Haha.
Unfortunately I don't have time to reply much, but I enjoyed the read and am interested to see where it leads you.
My overall reaction is: "you get knocked down, you get back up". Reading through your latest postings that thought stuck in my head. I cannot elaborate now, but does that make sense to you?
I too have questioned the real level of connection I have had with my W. I too think it was lacking. But going into M we really aren't equipped or prepared. WWe don't realise how much you really need to invest in a M. So we didn't do the necessary.
That connection is not automatic and now we know not capable of lasting without maintenance. I NOW have a much better understanding of what it takes and one day I will be able to apply this lesson dearly learned. You will too.
I believe too many lbs look back with rose tinted glasses upon their R and that is wrong, even harmful. You are looking back honestly. Follow through on your reflections. But remember you did not cause the downfall of your M. You contributed towards it. Realise the difference. But most importantly project those learnings forward for the NOW and beyond.
Any future R will not be perfect either, but can be built on a better foundation.I liked your recent statement that you believed this was a second chance to have the R you want/deserve. I too believe this. I have choosen to give my W some time to share that with me in the future.
I am not trying to convince you one way or the other. BUT if your W comes out of her fog and is willing to work hard, she will not be the same person she is now, nor the same person as before. You definitely will not be the same person. Maybe now the compatibility does not match, but the future changed versions of ye MAY be the right match.
You cannot know that now. Be patient with yourself. I am still working on parts of me that I thought would be changed a month after this crisis started. but change takes time, especially lasting change.
One last comment/observation.You seem all over the place with your reflections. I do not mean crazy or incoherent, but rather you mention one issue, then before working fully through that one, you have jumped to another. I am a bit like that. I see the whole picture and chip away at all of it at once. Progress is slow but when it clicks together it will be a complete revamp. Most people function better by focusing on one area at a time.
Best wishes
So much for me not spending too much time here. Ha-ha.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Take rest, SH, we all need a time out from the fight every now and again. Go back to a beginner's mind. Ask yourself how have you been taking care of the father of your children? Ask how you've been doing your self care. My coach asks me that constantly, "What have you done for Sara, lately?"
So, what have you done for SH lately?
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Sara, what you say is truth. I need to get the beginners mind...I need to take action without the baggage...
Phoebe, my crazy friend, if there was someone that would read every word of my ramblings, it would be you.
Phoebe, I do believe you.... I can not accept that I am broken, but I am dented, bruised, battered, scarred, and beat up over all inside. This is why I am going to pull back a bit and try to really heal some of the injuries and wounds... I am afraid that I have been covering up the pain in bad habits created over a lifetime... Thank you for the reminders that the mind is a tricky master when we let it get away form us. I know that I am not the sum total of my thoughts... I am what my choices and actions speak... Self compassion... This is a challenging and difficult thing for me... I am not certain if I know what or how that is... I have tried to study it and apply, but there is much more work to do... Many say this is key to many things in life... Why do I feel more confident and strong reaching out to others to lend a hand? But when I turn to me, it feels foreign and...and, I am not sure. Maybe because I shy away from the pain, that looking within myself adds, IDK... Thank you Phoebe, you are always the voice of reason in my mist of wandering.
roist, Sorry to have kept ya in here longer than planned. LOL But as always I appreciate your thoughts, honesty and candid feedback. I have been knocked down, but I will get back up. No quit here, just get a little slow and need a breather to get up at it again. You echo Phoebe in that my past MR required work and I may have missed on some of it, but I did not give up regardless of the thoughts. I am not the sum total of my thoughts and I know this... I think that is why I needed to pour some of them out....
Your thoughts to keep then door open is one that is in my mind... It is open a crack, hand on the handle to shut it or open it,but the right person will need to approach. Maybe that is more my struggle... Maybe instead of focus on the past and present W, I need to ensure I know what the future W will be so that I can recognize her if she comes to the door.
No need to dwell on that for now, as I need to be the right man to accept that opportunity.
That is the goal.
And oh how you are SOOOOOOOOO right about,
Quote:
One last comment/observation.You seem all over the place with your reflections. I do not mean crazy or incoherent, but rather you mention one issue, then before working fully through that one, you have jumped to another. I am a bit like that. I see the whole picture and chip away at all of it at once. Progress is slow but when it clicks together it will be a complete revamp. Most people function better by focusing on one area at a time.
This is my curse!! The mind can churn up ideas galore... Soon as I sit down to map it out... Poof!!! The same mind does a number to talk me out of the ideas, confuse me with the ideas, tell me I can't do anything until circumstances are perfect...
ALL BS!!!
Just gotta pick one or two out of the hat, go at them like there is no tomorrow and make it happen. If everything is a priority, then nothing is and that is my reality right now.
I am going to withdraw for a spell.... I must unravel this and get the direction and purpose into place...
Actions... not words...
Thank you all for the support and thoughts.
Bless each of you for all that yo doe for me. You can't possible know the good you do for me through your support and feedback.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Many people wait to decide a certain thing/or do a specific action because it will be better after A B or C has occurred. But life is full of interactions and A depends in X Y Z, B depends on l M N and C depends on F G H. Each of these depend on factors which depend on these conditions but also affect them.
Long story short, there is never a perfect time, where everything alignes itself for one single decision/action. We often put off what we should have done due to waiting for ideal conditions.
I had an impromptu few beers with a friend tonight so I reserve the right to reread and edit tomorrow.Only mentioning this to let you know I am still.living despite my situation. I have tended to only come here to evacuate issues on my threads, but to assure you I live a little too.
As for my extended visit to.this thread, it was.my choice. But you arewelcome.
I have decided to avoid newbies forbthebshort term, but will check in on a handful of my usual dbers. However please drop over to my new thread as shortly I will finish with the one here in newcomers.I have a few replies to Zephyr. After that my story continues elsewhere.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Yesterday and today has been a well needed emotional break. My daughters and I went to one of the minor league ball parks here and watched Zootopia. It was a family movie night event D18 had heard about. Zootopia is a favorite for my lil gals and so it was fun. D6 fell asleep on the way over as it was about an hour drive because we got caught in traffic. She woke up in a silly state as she was still tired but wanted to enjoy the movie outdoors. Lots of teasing and hugs from the lil stinker. LOL We did leave a little early, because the lil one fell asleep and D18 started nodding off. But it was a fun time.
Today we got up early and went to a fun place for breakfast and then down to a park for a walk around, some playground time and take pictures. We then hit the grocery store for some food and then back home. D6 is running around with her little neighborhood friends and D18 has gone out to a church meeting with her mother.
As we were driving to the movie event last night, D18 mentions to me that her mother freaked out again. D18 got off work a bit early due to working longer hours early in the week. She is just right down the street form her sisters school. When we saw the movie was on the other end of town, it was decided that she would swing by and pick up D6 so I would get home early enough to go. I asked what do you mean she freaked out? She said that when she arrived to pick up her sister her mother started making comments to D18 about being a chauffeur and how she never comes to see here, but it is okay and oh, so your going to leave in a hurry etc.. I reply, so more of the same then? D18 replies, dad, this was infant of 3 other teachers and D5. SMH... I get that she could go off on me, but why is D18 getting so much of it? Is there any end to this?
Then her mother calls later that night and is all set and what have you. Such bizarre behavior.....or is it????
I look forward to a great rest of the weekend with my lil gals.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Lovely SH. It's pretty late here, and my little baby brain is somewhat turning in for the night. Still, I read every word and echo l the wise words of the others. We can all see now ways we could have been a better spouse, that's a given. But there's no way really of knowing all this before we started. Maybe they should make us sit an exam before we marry!
You're broken, but not defeated. Not in the slightest, we are just a little hurt, had a little beaten- but we are still here.
I think you need to take some time for you. You come across with a very caring nature, giving us support and words of kindness- give yourself a little of that. Do what you need L to do to get yourself stronger.
I guess none of us really know what to expect if our spouses came back, who knows what it may look like. It's best to not focus on that but just make ourselves the best person we can be regardless. It probably does come to a point where we question if we could take them back. I try not to ponder those thoughts, I find it kind of gives me a false sense of hope thinking what would this look like. If it did happen, then we would just embark on yet another journey.
Keep focussed on you, you are a lovely caring person. Show yourself some of that compassion and love.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
