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Originally Posted By: Eagle11
Originally Posted By: freakinRican

1) Her Life Crisis is NOT your fault. Stop blaming yourself.

2) Her issues are NOT your fault. Stop blaming yourself.

3) You are hard on yourself, IMO, because that is what YOU are used to. It is what you have learned to deal with challenges in your life. Remember this…..YOU are ONLY a ViCTIM if YOU CHOOSE to be.

4) Honestly, based on your story…and based on what you have written about your W – you would been here NO matter what YOU did/didn’t do. The key……is what are YOU really going to do NOW – with the TIME you have been given.


1. I know it's not my fault. I have been having a hard time knowing I can't fix her problems though. I think I am a fixer. I am one who has attracted women with problems without realizing it. I think I read about this in the NMMNG book as well.
2. I know.
3. I understand where you are coming from. I believe what you are saying. I have always been hard on myself, that is what I do.
4. I have been thinking about this and I think you are right. I have actually thought this would come at some point. For a while now (before this sitch even started) I have almost anticipated something like this happening. I didn't know when, but I had a feeling in my gut. I kept getting a feeling we would stay together until the kids got older and then something would happen. Maybe I have be paranoid about this for a long time.


1. no you don't

2. no you don't

3. no you don't

4. no, not really...


Why are those my answers to you ???

Because if you DID know, and DID understand, then you wouldn't be trying to appease him with the answers...

You loosely understand based on old habits and understandings...

Basically, you "thought" that you knew...

Thinking....got you here.

And while HER crisis isn't your fault...

The events leading to why she is reluctant to work through this WITH you....are

You simply blaming "her crisis" , lets you off of the hook for any kind of self reflection, or accepting any of the blame...

That....simply isn't true...

You are the one here, you are the one seeking change....

What is stopping you, except you ??

Dig deeper to answer Eric's questions....

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Originally Posted By: Eagle11
Quote:

First, that first part of the above is so freaking whishy washy. Dude, it very simple – stop SNOOPING. Stop making excuses for snooping. As for letting her go, you will be unable to UNTIL you become the man you want to be. You will be unable to until you face the fears you have. The status quo is easy. Change is hard. Either way – Eagle all of this is YOUR CHOICE. Stop with the excuses already.


I have been beaten over the head with this by many on here. I need to stop. It is doing me no good and I know that.



One more for good luck....???

Click to reveal..
No....you don't know...or you wouldn't still be doing it...

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ericmsant2 - great response, damn thorough. I needed to hear a lot of that too. You took the time to break it down. Much care there. Thank you.

Eagle - Again, some of your own feelings mirror my own. I am still doing some of the same things... being too hard on myself, using the kids as an excuse to not do anything (I cringed at ericmsant's response because it's true), and just blaming myself overall for the whole scenario.

I am just stepping out of the habit blaming myself for my W's MLC. I figured if I take responsibility for her condition, I can do something to fix it and make sense of the craziness. Wait a minute, I can't make sense - because half of what she says are things I know are untrue, half of what she does is negligent towards her family and herself.

To echo some of ericmsant's sentiment... I would suggest some GALing / activity that will give you a sense of taking control of your life. Like me, you may feel that everything is spinning wild, or at least, out of your hands.

It's good to step outside the box and do something new for the first time, but I've found for me I feel great when I accomplish projects for myself. I don't mean raking the leaves. Golfing is great for taking you away from the daily grind, keep doing that. Do you have something unfinished that's hanging out there in the basement / attic / garage? I'm finding completing those projects build me up because while I need to have time off, I also need to feel like I did something.

With being quiet around W, maybe you get lonely or just want to chat for the sake of it. Start calling or texting friends when she's home (if your boys aren't keeping you too occupied). Get conversations going with other people. Others may 2 x 4 me for saying this, but I think those other people can include women if you're so inclined. I don't advertise to W when I am on the phone with a woman, but I have no problem with it. I'm not flirting, these women are just my friends. You know, as well as I do, the comfort of receiving feminine energy even when it's just in a totally platonic capacity.

I am already journaling, it's been therapeutic to get it all out. Rant, guess, theorize, etc. I suggest creating documents under Google drive. Remember to use private browsing!

I'm keeping up with your sitch and other sitches and reading archived stuff and I'm getting the feeling that most of us go down this path kicking & screaming. I guess none of this is supposed to be easy, it still isn't for me. Soldier on...


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Originally Posted By: Eagle11
I will start tomorrow.

No, start today.

Better yet, start RIGHT NOW!!!

Or else we'll be back here tomorrow reading excuses on why you'll do it tomorrow ..........


Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
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Eagle

Quote:
I hope you had a great vacation.

I did – thank you.

I wanted to expand on Mach’s post to you…

As he pointed out you respond that “you know” often….yet in the context of how you respond your “I knows” are really just an excuses you keep giving yourself to a. not dig deep b. mind read and c. justify your actions and behaviors. Here let me show you YOUR words…..

Quote:
On 8/29 – I'm not sure either way has been effective and I know I haven't tried either for very long.


Quote:
On 8/30 regarding spying you “knew”…..
AndrewP, thanks for the advice. Toying with her was something I had never done until today and honestly it felt good but I know I can't keep doing it.


Quote:
Later on 8/30 regarding snooping…. I know snooping wasn't doing me any good but it was almost like a drug for me.

Quote:
As for her leaving on 8/30… you “knew” that she wouldn’t- I’ll bet that if she did you would flip out. Yet you consistently say “I know”.

I still think if she would leave it would be better for our sitch, but I know that is not going to happen.


Quote:
On 8/31…..
I know it wasn't sexual, but even if she would have invited me into the shower there is no way I was going in there.

you “knew” again. You were mind reading.



Quote:
on 8/31….I think she has depression and I know she has low self esteem.

Here you are mind reading – you have no clue what she might feel RIGHT now.


Quote:
8/31….I know she fears paying me alimony/child support

Mind reading again….

Oh….and J3B tried to point that out by responding “I think you don’t know what she thinks”



Quote:
On 8/31 ….. I never should have told my mom. I know better, but I was looking for someone to talk too after I found out what was going on and in a moment of weakness I called her.

Here your I know is used to justify YOUR poor choice. Notice the BUT….


Quote:
On 9/1 you responded to J3B

I understand where you are coming from. I know it was not smart.

These are both….avoiding digging deep and justification of YOUR choices




Quote:
On 9/1 … I know she is not going to stop the A

Mind reading again…


Quote:
On 9/1….I know I am not going to push her and I am going to keep my distance.
Another dual combo “I know”….a. not wanting to dig deep and c. justification for your behavior




Quote:
9/1 continues……..
I know her relationship with the OM will still be going and I guess the only thing that's really changed is that she knows I know that.

Umm….let’s see if you can figure this one out…. I would say it is (fill in the blanks) M_ ND R _ _DING.



BTW….I’m still on one of your first threads…I have 2 more to go.

Later during the day on 9/1….

I know she isn't going to stop anytime soon.
as far as I know she has only seen him one time since the EA started and he does live 3 hours away
mind reading and fortune telling.

On 9/2…
I know she is scared and I won't be shocked if she stops her EA for a little while, but then starts back up. – MINDREADING


On 9/5
I would actually be believing that there was really hope for us right now, but I know that is a long way off.

^^^ Mindreading….

On 9/6….

I know she is torn on what to do now.” – More mind reading…

“I actually think they keep me from getting depressed because I know I have to be for them.” – In this example…you are using it as an excuse.


ON 9/7

Quote:
I know I need to work on myself, but it does make it hard when the W is at home in the evening


Hmmmm…an “I know and BUT” all in the same quote.


On 9/7….
after reading other threads on the board I know a lot have it worse than me

More mind reading. Hell CT118 even pointed it out when he said “I am not sure if others have it worse or better”

Eagle – The mind reading is KILLING YOU.

Alas I have more….


9/8….
I know they work together on projects, but some of the times of there texts leave me a bit skeptical that this is strictly work related

I know I shouldn't be snooping but when I saw his name pop up on that text last night I couldn't help myself” ….I think you’ve said this about snooping..ummm…5 times so far and FTR, I’m still only on 9/8. Oh…and notice the “BUT”…there was the excuse you gave yourself.


Here are just a few more….

9/8 - “This should not change my path. I know that, it's just so frustrating to see her do this”

9/8 - “I know if I say something and I'm wrong, it will be bad for whatever relationship we have. I also know just telling her would admit that I can't stop snooping. She already knows I snooped before and I know she is paranoid because she thought I put a tracking device in her car last week.”

9/8 – “If this 2nd OM is true then I know she has "affaired down"”

9/9 – “I know I have to take care of myself, but its just not right that this insane woman is going to effect what happens to the rest of my life.” (another “I know and BUT”)

Whew…that took a while. Well now I am on the “confused on what to do 2” thread….let’s see what we find.

9/9 – I know it might not make a difference but it is nice to know that the work I have been putting in is at least noticed.

9/10 ” I need to do more, but I have been” This is not an “I know”…you did though use “BUT” again as an excuse.

9/12 – I know, I know – This was in response to Drew who said your W was cake eating.


9/12 – “I know I have gotten paranoid about every guy she is talking too now.”

9/12 – “I know she really doesn't want anything to do with me and I know that as long as these other men are giving her the attention then she will never be in a position to try our marriage again

9/13 – “I didn't respond in anger, but I know it was a stupid thing to say.”


Another example that highlights just how much you keep mind reading.

9/14 -
Quote:
Like Jack, I'm trying not to mind read here, but part of me thinks she is testing


Back to the “I Knows”…

9/14 – I know it might not mean much, but it was nice to get that acknowledgment – Mind reading and excuse combo

9/14 – I know this M will not be fixed overnight and that it would be a long road

9/15 – I know I am consumed by fear

Eagle….I can continue to go through all of your posts. I hope that you understand what we are trying to say to you.

Now is the time to stop mind reading, to stop giving yourself excuses, to stop with the “I know” and “but” – It is time to stop being afraid of not just YOUR wife….


But of….


YOURSELF.


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
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Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
Now is the time

Now.

NOW.

NOW!!!!!

Stop with the excuses.


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Eagle, Eric just curled some serious weight for you dude. I am thinking golf is not for you right now. You should try something different. Something new and something that builds mind in connection with body. What do you think about wieght lifting, martial arts, or a rock gym. It's time you kicked your own arse on different levels.

And man, journal, journal, journal. I want to offer to you, the journal can be what you want it to. Yes, thoughts, yes stories, but it may be quotes you like, pictures you took, ideas you wish to engage, or drawings. Anything. I have a few entire pages of just quotes from things I read here which I found helpful in my journal. I have lists of shirts, shoes, and pants I want to buy but cannot afford all at once. I have notes from YouTube videos on how to communicate effectively - etc. write it, go back and read it. Write who you were, who you are, who you want to be.

The shortest entry I have is one word, in the middle of a page all alone. It says:

"Self"


"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies.
BD: Feb '16
D: Mar '17
Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing.
S6


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Eric, Mach1 and Drew. I see what you guys are doing. I have been making excuses for this the whole time.

Eric, please don't go through any more of my past threads. I get the idea. I don't think I want to relive all the stuff I was thinking about then. It's embarrassing reading the quotes you posted from me.

I also want you all to know that I wrote my first journal entry today and I will continue to write everyday.


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Brubeck,

Thanks for the advice. I need to do some GALing, especially without the kids. I am going to finally do that hike I have been talking about for I think 3 weeks now. The weather is supposed to be great this weekend (low 80's instead of mid 90's) so I am going to take advantage of it.

I also agree with you about getting conversations with other people going. I have been lonely these last few months and it might be a good time to reach out to some old friends. Also, my neighbor invited me over to watch football this weekend. I don't really know him that well, but he seems like a cool guy. I don't know, maybe I can find a new friend.

Have a great weekend


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CT,it's always great to hear from you.

Originally Posted By: CT1118
Eagle, Eric just curled some serious weight for you dude. I am thinking golf is not for you right now. You should try something different. Something new and something that builds mind in connection with body. What do you think about wieght lifting, martial arts, or a rock gym. It's time you kicked your own arse on different levels.


Don't know much about martial arts or rock gym (might have to look into the rock gym at some point), but I have gotten to the gym a couple of times this week and I will be going tomorrow morning. Maybe I will add a little more weight to the bar to try to let out some aggression.

I have decided I do need to golf soon though. Its been my favorite hobby for probably the last 20-25 years and I haven't been doing it. I haven't played in 2 months and the only time I have ever gone this long is during the winter when I lived in the north. It's part of who I am and it lets me get away from the stress of everyday life. I really need to go play soon.

Also,

Thanks for the advice on the journal. I was assuming I just write my thoughts for the day, but your description has me intrigued. I guess I was looking at it as more of a daily diary, but with what you describe it can be much more. Thanks


M39, W36
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