well, she texted me a few minutes ago and she is just so short and politically correct. She is gone...she is no more....so with that said, I guess I know what I HAVE to do. It is gonna be the most difficult decision and conversation that I have ever had. I have to let/make her go. I hate that this will impact so many other people. I can't believe I won't get to continue watching my nieces grow up...it is making me cry as I type this. I hate that I will not have my "partner in crime" that I have had for so long. I hate that I will no longer have that person to look forward to talking to when I get home, or when something exciting happens. I hate that I will no longer have sex with her (god it was so awesome). I hate that she will take our dogs with her. Gosh there are just soooo soooo many changes that are hinged on this one decision.
There is no "gone." There is only: we do not know the future.
There are people in this forum who have been holding steady for years, despite their spouses doing all kinds of crazy stuff.
Only you can decide when and how to switch courses. You can say, I don't know if she will ever return, and I cannot wait any longer. I can respect that. But you can't say she is gone. You don't know that.
What has SHE done to make the divorce happen? Maybe you should let her take the next step -- meanwhile you educate yourself on the divorce process so that you are empowered to respond.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
You will only fuel her rebellion and contempt for you.
Think back to an old relationship you had. Someone that you broke up with. When your love for your girlfriend drained out of you, and you knew you wanted to break up with her ... how did that feel. Now, if that girlfriend came begging, pleading, demanding ... did that make you suddenly feel loving towards her?
That's how she feels about you. She's doing this because of how SHE feels. She doesn't care how you feel.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
well, she texted me a few minutes ago and she is just so short and politically correct. She is gone...she is no more....so with that said, I guess I know what I HAVE to do. It is gonna be the most difficult decision and conversation that I have ever had. I have to let/make her go. I hate that this will impact so many other people. I can't believe I won't get to continue watching my nieces grow up...it is making me cry as I type this. I hate that I will not have my "partner in crime" that I have had for so long. I hate that I will no longer have that person to look forward to talking to when I get home, or when something exciting happens. I hate that I will no longer have sex with her (god it was so awesome). I hate that she will take our dogs with her. Gosh there are just soooo soooo many changes that are hinged on this one decision.
Deep breathe, my friend. Try and close your eyes for a few minutes and just take a few slow deep breaths.
This is terribly painful. Possibly the hardest thing you will ever experience in your life. Unfortunately you are at the very beginning and things might get much worse before they get better. But, they WILL get better. You are in a crisis and are spinning, but you will not feel this way forever.
I think your mind is spinning and you're feeling out of control, so you are desperately reaching for what you can control. For you that means dividing assets, filing for D, taking a legal stance, etc, or whatever you can control right now.
What we are trying to help you understand is that nothing has to be done right now. These are big decisions that do not have to be made today. It is never advised to make these decisions from an emotional place.
I also want to add that there are many of us that are several years down the road--some of us have moved on, some D, some still on the roller coaster, and some of us are reconciling our Ms. Things can and always will change. People change. Sometimes on a dime. You may be 100% convinced that you are done now and then in a couple years or months you may feel differently. Right now I think it would behoove you to sloooowwww way down and rally up some support so you can begin to even wrap your mind around what is happening.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Lost, listen to what is being said by everyone... Don't throw in the towel and file, it isn't going to change the hurt your feeling.. Patience buddy, you may decide it's over in the end, but you're not in a place right now to decide that.
I would enforce my boundary of no texting OM in marital bed, but it also may be a good thing to only focus on you right now...
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Lost, I have read your update and this thread and boy do I ever feel for you! I remember that panic, the anxiety, the depression, tears, sleeplessness, and fatigue. I really do feel for you.
I cannot tell you what to do, every person has their own path, every person has their own timeline and things happen in between. You have received some great advice on your thread and there is great advice in Sandi's Rules. No matter what you do you must find a way back to you. You need to find that person you were before meeting your ww. In fact you probably have changed a lot and need to find the new you.
However, you can not do that in the situation you are in. As terrified as you are now, I am living proof there will be better days. As far as confronting her, WW's are extremely rebellious and spiteful. In my circumstance I left my own house. I know that is not recommended but I had other factors to consider. So I lived in a gym for two weeks and then got an apartment for a month. Those were tough, tough times and I am not recommending you leave. Here is what I am recommending you do: Play out scenarios here. If I do this and she does that what should I do next??? Read and consider everyone's point of view. Find someone you can speak to in person... I had some friend I check in with and the best one hour conversation I had was with my priest. If you trust them seek their advice about what you should do, but taking only as a consideration. Think long and hard about any decisions you make cause they will affect the outcome of your whole sitch. Then decide what you are comfortable with and stick to it as long as you have reason for doing it.
Finally, do something, anything for you. I joined a gym, lost weight and enjoyed spending too much money on clothes that fit. Its ok to be selfish at this time of your life, just don't dig yourself too much of a whole. But I feel it is helpful for a distraction to hand that one moment of happiness in a miserable day. It will also give you glimpses of what life can be like.
As time passes you will find more moments of happiness and more sleep. You can only control you and she will stay or go, so you take control over you and make yourself happy and whole again. One of the best quotes I heard was from my priest who told me "forgiving someone is not saying their actions were ok, but that their actions no longer control you."
I wish you the best of luck.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
Please relax and breathe. Please don't take any actions now. Sometimes we just need to be still for a while. Call a friend, do something to keep you occupied and distracted.
I know you feel like you have to be doing something to end your pain. Taking these actions in the height of it all will not bring relief. Breathing, doing something for yourself, stepping back and leaning on friends and family will bring some comfort.
hang in there. We have all been there and you just need ot get through 48 hours and then revaluate.
