-No contact except business over text and email since
-Situation is basically I had issues with her oldest daughter and her attitude and the way the wife would only listen to her parents who enabled her behavior with no consequence's. If I said no to something and her parents said yes then she listened to her parents.
-Continually causing me to bottle up emotion and not say anything about it and us having bad arguments and me cursing her and saying awful stuff to her in the heat of the moment.
-Every time we argued she would get loud and want the kids involved in the arguments and was caught talking bad to me to the kids behind my back, my son informed me of this, they had to lose respect for me every time that was done. Left a couple of times to stay with her parents when arguing, telling them, her brother and aunts, etc, and when we would make up I had to deal with the disapproval of them. I never told anyone in my family, so they would welcome her with no issues.
-We had 3 arguments that were not in front of the kids but I physically grabbed her and immediately let go causing no physical injuries but emotional ones. Pushed her out of bed once while she was awake and pinned her to the couch the other time during an argument after she struck me numerous times with her fists. She would lash out a strike me in the head, face because she said I was intimating, when I was trying to get her to not be so loud. Looking back im sure she was.
-I am extremely remorseful for that, as I was married 20 years before and had never done that, she passed away.
-Have been in anger management counseling since she left, read both books and about every link on here. Work out 5 days a week and try to stay busy.
-There is only a 60 day waiting period in my state to get divorced with no kids, that was over a month ago. Tried to file after the first month, told her to get me the info and I would to it, and she texted back what was my hurry and asked if I had a woman ready to move in.
-Have been nice to her about leaving the house and letting her get her stuff moved out and doing what she has asked. Told her I didn't want a divorce and I was changing myself and working on myself and wrote her a letter saying how sorry I was.
-Asked about 2 months ago if there was any hope, and she said she couldn't say right now that she didn't trust me and need to see someone to talk to, pretty sure they will be all for divorce.
-Yes she has allot of issues and I didn't know to how to handle those at the time and regardless it was my fault by my controlling attitude and bottle up emotion and placing my hand on her and the I built up so much unhealthy emotion and wanted her to leave. Well after 3 months and working on and fixing my issues I want her back more than anything.
-Sent a couple of texts a week apart about 2 months ago just saying if she needed anything I would be here and one 2 weeks ago asking when she planned on taking this separation to the next step and about her not paying the joint credit card. I can see she reads it but doesn't answer back.
-Wife is very educated and has a good paying job.
-Even if she wanted to come back I don't think she could because her parents would tell her no, and that would be the end of that.
-I hate myself for ever letting it get to that point and all 3 times, I was drinking before hand. Have quite doing that also.
-No other man at that time, who knows now. She did say a couple of months ago that she was still wearing her rings and considered her self still married.
-But now getting to the point where I need closure, since we don't have kids together and just a couple of bills, where I have been paying the one joint credit card in our name since she left. Don't really see this ending any other other and why prolong it. Basically Im stuck and know I ultimately am to blame for letting our arguments to get physical.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely: Consider this your homework.
I have read both books and these forums for the last several months. It seems she is better at divorce busting than I am but my contact with her has not had anything remotely promising in the last 2 months. I haven't texted her but one time in almost a month and half. She knows that I don't want a divorce but really how long is someone suppose to hold on when there is no contact and kids.
I just don't know why she hasn't filed if according to what I hear she is more happy now than for along time. She knows I'm not going to make it hard on her. Maybe she knows I will get tired of waiting and do it myself, which I've really been thinking about doing this week.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
You could be on to something regarding her wanting you to file. It might alleviate her guilt of leaving the relationship. Why would you choose to file this week?
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
My point is really that being physically divorced doesnt really mean anything. You have to gain the emotional closure by yourself through GAL and detachment. The piece of paper that divorces you isnt going to do that.
Sorry you are here Bigrd1. You actually haven't been apart that long in the scheme of things but I realise in the US (just assuming) that everyone files for divorce very quickly but a lot of the time I think that is a knee jerk reaction and many people regret it.
Darkness is right, D is just a piece if paper it isn't a quick fix to making everything better. You will still feel the same the day after. You need time to heal and work on yourself to be a better person. I know it's easier said than done as I am the worst at this but you need to take your focus off your W and the relationship. If she wants D then let her sort it out. You don't owe her anything. I expect she has had people chasing and looking after her all her life so let them but you don't lift a finger. Oh and keep posting...
I know it's hard but you gave to try and detach fripim the situation p. It may take a while but you will slowly get there...
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Thanks guys, some days are better than others as you know. What really has me down is it was my sons birthday the other day and you would have thought her or her parents would have sent him a card. Of course her Dad was going on after this happened that he would always be his grandson. Guess not. My S still goes to church with them, that's where his uncles and cousins go, no I don't go there anymore and he can drive hisself.
Her daughters birthday is coming up and I'm going to sent her a card from my son and me. But I'm going to put it in a separate envelope made out to the wife and she can decide whether to give it to her.
She will probably sent it back but I guess I have to be prepared for that.
I know I am on moderation right now. The wife just texted wanting to come get some more of her stuff that is in a separate building that was build for her stuff when we go married. It is on my property and the loan is our names. I've paid the last 4 payments on it myself. I know that more than likely I will have to buy her part of the payments on that loan that were made before she left.
I told her that my son had a bunch of boys up today for his birthday that was last week and they will be outside playing all day so today it couldn't happen. I also told her since she only texts when she is wanting something and it's all business then we need to start treating it that way. She was also wanting some of the big heavy shelves that are in there. They were bought with my lowes card that she left me paying off. Like 3000, and I have paid it off. I also told her she needs to make a list of what else she is wanting.
It feels like I'm letting her and her parents just do as they please and if I don't put my foot down, I'm going to come out loosing even when we get divorced. Maybe that's why she is stalling on the divorce.
I don't care about the stuff that she brought with her when we got married but I've done everything she has asked since S day.
Yes I have and it's pretty basic stuff. In the end with both of us agreeing and me actually taking on more than it would be worth to pay lawyers to fight for. It would only be a few thousand that I would have to take on that would go to a lawyer to argue against.
Or I could be hard and it will cost her the same and there is no win for anyone
But I have went out of my way with everything she has wanted. I just don't want her thinking she can run all over me, I was thinking to stay fair and let her know she isn't running this anyway she wants.
Yes, I messed up a few minutes ago. I then texted her and said you know I still love you and wish it wasn't like this. Well at least I don't expect to get a response back, so yes that is different from 2 months ago.
Well even though my son didn't get a birthday card from his stepmother or her parents, he still had a great birthday, had about 10 boys playing airsoft all day, and I have let it go and decided it wasn't doing me any good being mad about it, it did sit me back initially.
I decided to send my youngest step daughter a birthday card with some money from my son and me in a separate envelope addressed to her mother. I'm getting myself and expecting it to be returned to me unopened, but it wasn't about the wife or myself and it was about my stepdaughter who called me dad for 3 years. She doesn't even know her real dad, real winner there.
I'm thinking I might have to contact her dad and have a sit down with him. I don't want to but he knows I have been nothing but fair and respectable to him and my wife during this. Maybe ask him what his daughter is thinking and what her plans are so this can go as easy as possible. What ever he says will be exactly what she will do because she has never went against her parents or told them no, that was one of the many problems when I was trying to help her with her 3 girls.
I know your right Cadet, I have been doing allot of mind reading. Our cell phones are still together and she sent me a check for her part last month. Her part is a third of the bill. I have three days to get her part of the bill and if I don't, I will have know way continuing to pay the bill and will have to shut her and her daughters phones and ipads off. Its in my name.
The only reason to talk to her dad was to let him know that I have no choice to do it and see if he wanted to speak to her before I did. The girls are only my stepdaughters but I do feel bad about doing them that way. Heck, I feel bad doing her that way.
Guess I will just have to wait and see and do what I have to do and try to leave the feelings out of the equation, she use to pay the bills and she knows when its due. Technically she could care less, and get a plan in her name with her own phones and just have different phone numbers.
Even knowing and expect her not to answer the text, should I text her and ask the day before about paying her share or not?
I appreciate the feed back, you just see very few cases where kids aren't involved and the spouses own very little together.
I know you are correct, I will do great for 2 or 3 weeks with no contact and then she will text something and its not asking its telling me what she is going to do. Although she hasn't shown up with out letting me know before hand, but she has only been told no once so, who knows. This roller coaster [censored].
The day after she left she changed our bank account information, when I asked why, she said she didn't trust me. Had to borrow money from my sons separate savings account and open a new one. She is being coached in my opinion because she got took to the cleaners with her ex husband and he is the type that's not to far from triple digits in back child support. She is treating me worse than she did him.
At least if you have kids together she still would have to see me on occasion but that's being selfish, I know it would actually be way harder with kids.
This is worse in allot of ways than when my first wife pasted (no I didn't do it) lol
Ok, Im done whining, work out after work and do some work around the house, its all good.
Well I shut of the wife's and step kids cell phones Saturday night. I felt bad in the morning and texted her (iMessage) and ask if she still wanted to keep her phones. She immediately texted back yes. Why did you deactivate them without asking? I told her she knew when I had to pay the bill because she has the same access I do and she paid it for 3 years. She was able to send me the check last month without any asking.
She then texted she was out of town with the girls and I was cruel and heartless.
I told her that I didn't want to text her because she usually doesn't answer back and I got tired of dealing with the emotional sit back.
I went ahead and tun them on.
Supposedly her half is in the mail.
No response back from her of course.
I messed up last night and texted her that it bothered me when she said I was cruel and heartless and that I have done everything she has asked for the last 4 months. I really messed up and told her that the reason she doesnt t have any interaction with me is because she wanted me to be the one to file and I had allot to think about this week. Of course no reply back. Man, I do great and then mess up big
I really don't know how much longer I can handle this, it's been 4 months almost. We don't have any kids together so there is no reason to interact. After checking and I don't know why I did, she is with her parents just like before we got married. Her and her girls never went on a vacation without her parents until we got married and we went on allot of them. She has it made, her parents paying for most of it, her mom gets her kids off to school every morning and she gets to have her mother cooking for her when she gets off of work. Why would she come back.
Yes I still love her but I don't know when to say enough is enough.
Has anyone on here been told something from their WAS that is like a major issue that does explain allot, but if they cant repeat it if they went to counseling because there would be no way it would not be reported to authorities. But maybe that person believes that the other person changed and would never do to your daughters what they did do you. But if they did go to counseling and they didn't tell that part of their early life, then the counseling really wouldn't work. So you as the LBS, can not say anything because its more than likely true but you can not prove it but have seen things that make you believe it was.
So basically, the LBS would do anything for you, but if the WAW believes you are the devil and not one of your parents, because they are great, is there any chance for the LBS to make the other person see, that they are the one to protect you and your girls.
I know, its talking in circles but hopefully someone gets it.
I know that my WAW will never think of me as the person that would jump in front of a train for you and your girls but will think that the other thing would never happen to your daughters. Maybe though its just a figment of their imagination and it never happened.
I went through anger management treatment with me telling the honest truth, even though it hurt to tell it. I know I had to be honest to get the help I needed.
If I cant even go through IC for myself without the reality of life dropping out for someone else, then how can the other person ever get the help they need with not telling that part of their life because the bottom would drop out of theirs.
We are talking high society people, god fearing people that the community loves.
That's why I'm thinking that, their is nothing that I can do but go straight up hard and file, because after 4 months with no contact, just business when it fits their schedule. Especially with when you don't have kids with them and their parents handing them everything, that I'm just being played and that women and kids I fell in love with our gone.
Sorry for the rant.
I just think in my case and what I can actually say, I have to go one way and that's just what it is, even though my heart breaks for her everyday and every min, I just continue wishing everyone on here the best. I think maybe I need to get my profile and post deleted if someone could help with that. I admire everyone on here and their wisdom to help others. I just know that people can not really help with my situation because I can not be honest with my responses.
Thanks Mr Bond. I have read hours of this board and you give allot of great advice. But I think I need my posts removed. I will deal with it solo. It has to be that way. I will defiantly keep reading others stories.
Those girls were what I always wanted, have a son that is my world, couldn't have anymore kids with his mother.
Hopefully someday, she will get what she needs.
You all keep up the good things you all do to make people reslize they aren't Alone.
Well am getting ready to go officially see a lawyer in a couple of hours.
Still no contact from her and found out yesterday when they announced her older daughter at a school function a few weeks ago they said she was the parent of wife's her first name and used her maiden name and not her married name, and this was at an event the whole small town was at, ouch that hurt.
Man this is hurting as much now as it did in the beginning.
I listen to divorce podcast and they said allot of times when a spouse has cut off all contact and yet hasn't made a move or discussion on the divorce then they are more of being passive aggressive as a way to cause the lbs as much pain as possible. Makes sense but you would think after 4 months that they would be ready to move on.
Well I guess I will get the lawyer the info and have everything ready to file as soon as I give the word. I think I need to think about it this weekend and see how I'm feeling next week but have everything in place, even if she does file first.
This was weighing heavy on mine mind last night and I messed up and knew I would not get a response but sent a test saying Love you. At least it was allot better than sending the long one I had typed out.
I know we could fix this together but I think with everything I'm seeing now its way beyond that with her now.
Well off to get ready for the lawyer, whoopee.
Still no sign off an om but really who knows. She works in a male dominated field and definately could be getting her emotional or physical needs met there, but I know that is mind reading. She and the girls have been going on weekend adventures with her parents who usually foot the bill.
Wish me luck because this is killing me from the inside and I dont know how much longer I can continue to hold on to just a little hope with there has been non.
Well back from lawyer and she told me the process and that the division of our assets and debt were what I was thinking. It will take a few years to get back to even. Said if the wife would agree to it then either one of us would have to step in court and it will cost me $650. I need to continue to think on this for awhile.
I don't want it but especially if you don't have kids and no contact with the wife what is really the reason to wait? When its to that point I think that the wife has already fell out of love with the lbs and they had already made their mind up that there is no hope. By her doing no contact for as long as she has I think it is just a way to tell me, wake up, its over.
Going to get out tomorrow and do something with the boy and try to enjoy the day.
I know i'm all over the place lately, but I do have a question.
One of the biggest thinks I did in the break up of our marriage is I lost her respect as far as not being there for her and working through our issues and taking the lead in fixing our problems.
She and her girls are on my cell phone plane and I already paid the bill last week and 200 dollars of it is her. I mentioned it last week to her and she said the check is in the mail. Well I still haven't received it and maybe it will show up tomorrow on Sat. She knows it was due and she has been reminded about it. She is also an account holder so she can transfer them to her own account but I know it will cost her some money to do that and she might even do that before Monday.
The question is, even though the chances of us ever getting back together is slim to non, I still do not want to react with hatred by shutting them off. A 180 for me would probably be to have her Dad call me and ask him could he find out about if she would like to keep them and if she would pay her part because I can not afford to continue to pay the bill, but say it in a nice way, contacting her again would probably just do more harm than good right now.
My former self in this situation would have just suspended her and her girls service and go, haha there you go. Maybe she is seeing if that is what i'm going to do, who knows. Early on, I did pay the bill and never even ask her for her half. Last month she volunteered and sent her half.
I also do not want to let her think that she can run over me and lose even more respect for me.
I need to get back on my NC, the I love you text last night was just an emotional one, and it was the first in a long while, it was where I had my appointment with my lawyer today.The lawyer did say what bills I am paying would be pretty much what I would more than likely get anyway with what things she left when she moved out, such as furniture and such equaling in everything out. So basically I can go ahead and file for divorce or not right now because money wise its not going to be any different than it is now. Allot to think about.
I am just trying to get some feedback in case this is what happens. I have been trying to really think things through the last couple of months instead of the knee jerk reactions I use to do.
But at least I'm going to take my son out and see a movie tomorrow and dinner.
