-No contact except business over text and email since
-Situation is basically I had issues with her oldest daughter and her attitude and the way the wife would only listen to her parents who enabled her behavior with no consequence's. If I said no to something and her parents said yes then she listened to her parents.
-Continually causing me to bottle up emotion and not say anything about it and us having bad arguments and me cursing her and saying awful stuff to her in the heat of the moment.
-Every time we argued she would get loud and want the kids involved in the arguments and was caught talking bad to me to the kids behind my back, my son informed me of this, they had to lose respect for me every time that was done. Left a couple of times to stay with her parents when arguing, telling them, her brother and aunts, etc, and when we would make up I had to deal with the disapproval of them. I never told anyone in my family, so they would welcome her with no issues.
-We had 3 arguments that were not in front of the kids but I physically grabbed her and immediately let go causing no physical injuries but emotional ones. Pushed her out of bed once while she was awake and pinned her to the couch the other time during an argument after she struck me numerous times with her fists. She would lash out a strike me in the head, face because she said I was intimating, when I was trying to get her to not be so loud. Looking back im sure she was.
-I am extremely remorseful for that, as I was married 20 years before and had never done that, she passed away.
-Have been in anger management counseling since she left, read both books and about every link on here. Work out 5 days a week and try to stay busy.
-There is only a 60 day waiting period in my state to get divorced with no kids, that was over a month ago. Tried to file after the first month, told her to get me the info and I would to it, and she texted back what was my hurry and asked if I had a woman ready to move in.
-Have been nice to her about leaving the house and letting her get her stuff moved out and doing what she has asked. Told her I didn't want a divorce and I was changing myself and working on myself and wrote her a letter saying how sorry I was.
-Asked about 2 months ago if there was any hope, and she said she couldn't say right now that she didn't trust me and need to see someone to talk to, pretty sure they will be all for divorce.
-Yes she has allot of issues and I didn't know to how to handle those at the time and regardless it was my fault by my controlling attitude and bottle up emotion and placing my hand on her and the I built up so much unhealthy emotion and wanted her to leave. Well after 3 months and working on and fixing my issues I want her back more than anything.
-Sent a couple of texts a week apart about 2 months ago just saying if she needed anything I would be here and one 2 weeks ago asking when she planned on taking this separation to the next step and about her not paying the joint credit card. I can see she reads it but doesn't answer back.
-Wife is very educated and has a good paying job.
-Even if she wanted to come back I don't think she could because her parents would tell her no, and that would be the end of that.
-I hate myself for ever letting it get to that point and all 3 times, I was drinking before hand. Have quite doing that also.
-No other man at that time, who knows now. She did say a couple of months ago that she was still wearing her rings and considered her self still married.
-But now getting to the point where I need closure, since we don't have kids together and just a couple of bills, where I have been paying the one joint credit card in our name since she left. Don't really see this ending any other other and why prolong it. Basically Im stuck and know I ultimately am to blame for letting our arguments to get physical.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely: Consider this your homework.
I have read both books and these forums for the last several months. It seems she is better at divorce busting than I am but my contact with her has not had anything remotely promising in the last 2 months. I haven't texted her but one time in almost a month and half. She knows that I don't want a divorce but really how long is someone suppose to hold on when there is no contact and kids.
I just don't know why she hasn't filed if according to what I hear she is more happy now than for along time. She knows I'm not going to make it hard on her. Maybe she knows I will get tired of waiting and do it myself, which I've really been thinking about doing this week.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
You could be on to something regarding her wanting you to file. It might alleviate her guilt of leaving the relationship. Why would you choose to file this week?
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
My point is really that being physically divorced doesnt really mean anything. You have to gain the emotional closure by yourself through GAL and detachment. The piece of paper that divorces you isnt going to do that.
Sorry you are here Bigrd1. You actually haven't been apart that long in the scheme of things but I realise in the US (just assuming) that everyone files for divorce very quickly but a lot of the time I think that is a knee jerk reaction and many people regret it.
Darkness is right, D is just a piece if paper it isn't a quick fix to making everything better. You will still feel the same the day after. You need time to heal and work on yourself to be a better person. I know it's easier said than done as I am the worst at this but you need to take your focus off your W and the relationship. If she wants D then let her sort it out. You don't owe her anything. I expect she has had people chasing and looking after her all her life so let them but you don't lift a finger. Oh and keep posting...
I know it's hard but you gave to try and detach fripim the situation p. It may take a while but you will slowly get there...
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Thanks guys, some days are better than others as you know. What really has me down is it was my sons birthday the other day and you would have thought her or her parents would have sent him a card. Of course her Dad was going on after this happened that he would always be his grandson. Guess not. My S still goes to church with them, that's where his uncles and cousins go, no I don't go there anymore and he can drive hisself.
Her daughters birthday is coming up and I'm going to sent her a card from my son and me. But I'm going to put it in a separate envelope made out to the wife and she can decide whether to give it to her.
She will probably sent it back but I guess I have to be prepared for that.
I know I am on moderation right now. The wife just texted wanting to come get some more of her stuff that is in a separate building that was build for her stuff when we go married. It is on my property and the loan is our names. I've paid the last 4 payments on it myself. I know that more than likely I will have to buy her part of the payments on that loan that were made before she left.
I told her that my son had a bunch of boys up today for his birthday that was last week and they will be outside playing all day so today it couldn't happen. I also told her since she only texts when she is wanting something and it's all business then we need to start treating it that way. She was also wanting some of the big heavy shelves that are in there. They were bought with my lowes card that she left me paying off. Like 3000, and I have paid it off. I also told her she needs to make a list of what else she is wanting.
It feels like I'm letting her and her parents just do as they please and if I don't put my foot down, I'm going to come out loosing even when we get divorced. Maybe that's why she is stalling on the divorce.
I don't care about the stuff that she brought with her when we got married but I've done everything she has asked since S day.
