Feeling Lost 3

[job]

She does sound like she's in MLC because of some of the things she's done. However, you are the only one that can determine if she is in MLC because you know her and what she's been like in the past. Does she appear to be confused and emotional a large majority of the time? Does she appear to be depressed? If you answer those questions w/a yes, then she is most likely in crisis and not just a walk away.

When I said opening up doors, I meant asking people for their opinions on her, what she's doing and your situation. When you ask others their opinions, you are "inviting" them to express their opinions and those opinions may not be what you want to hear and/or open up discussions about the situation. People who aren't familiar w/how MLC affects others do not understand the process. It is an emotional and for some a spiritual journey. Some will say that you need to let her go, move on and start dating...what they are trying to do is push your healing process along because they don't want to see you said and hurt...but until they walk a mile in your shoes, they will not understand what her journey is all about and why she's on it.

They are very emotional during the crisis and the anger can flare up at any time. They are angry at the world, at themselves and at you and the relationship. They have stuffed their emotions for so long that they have to spew like a volcano sometimes and then it dies down. Sometimes they are just angry about something and they sound off "at" us about it and we may not even be the target for the anger.

Here's something you may want to try. The next time she's spewing or the anger is present, change the subject, i.e., about the children and what they are doing or the weather. You may find that it throws her off her angry spew and she may very well settle down. I did this quite often w/my xh, i.e., one minute he was civil, the next an angry man and when I changed the subject, he reverted back to being civil.

[srt]

Hi job, thanks for the prompt reply.
I agree with all you are saying above. I've really had my faith tested this week (I'm not religious at all) but do believe in M and the family unit.
I think I'll just lay low for the near future and see what happens. No point in goading the monster, wonder if she will apologise this week (no expectations though!)
Thanks for the tip about what to do mid spew, I'll try this the next time.
Peace

[srt]

Going to update you all again on this week; Nothing to report from this week

Continued my GAL activities, but was quite physically tired so had a couple of nights rest at the end of the week. My parents were out of town, which did make me worry about the support I have but I was fine.

Interactions with W have been upbeat but has not suggested any more "contact". Feel kind of stuck with this now as (I'm sure I've mentioned many times before) she says she wants to see me but doesn't follow through. If I push she generally retreats, one of my flaws before was I generally didn't initiate dates etc, W was far more active at this. However this was generally due to W family, she does very little without them and we have both always found the MIL controlling.

I'm also concerned that W seemed only willing to meet when I have kids. I've been given the suggestion that we rota "dates" if they get started again. Holidays will be upon us soon and again I can't help but feel that is another couple of months wasted where we could have been working on "us" but I guess it takes two to tango. We have arranged one day we will do stuff as a family but I do get anxious about these as the whole situation seems so surreal, I still can't believe it has happened at times.

Other news is I have been googling the h@ll out of MLC and just about every list of signs I can find has a majority of things on it that W is doing. However this offers me no comfort as the only thing she has not done yet (or that I'm not aware of) is a PA with an OM. Replay behaviours still seem high up on her list of priorities. I now realise she has been in an MLC funk for much longer than I thought, hopefully this means she might exit this sooner....

Again I appreciate all comments and advice.

[srt]

Hi job, just remembered your message about "Once she gets that anger out of her system, she'll contact you and act nothing has ever taken place, i.e., the spewing and insults."

How weird it is that they are so confused like this. When W last came in she looked like she had been upset (red, bloated eyes) like she had been crying, but says nothing about it and is polite and pleasant to me.

I figure this is just part of their confusion. The other thing W is doing is lots of shopping trips/city breaks. She seems now to have an obsession about travelling by train!

[job]

Don't assume that her replay will be over soon. It will take as long as it takes and it could be a while longer. Don't base your assumption on comparisons. Yes, comparisons are good markers, but each person is unique, their issues are unique and how they deal w/their crisis will be unique. Bottom line...it will take as long as it takes. Okay?

Yes, they are very confused because it's emotional and let's face it, emotions are all over the place and one minute they think this and the next they think that. They are like the little ball in a pinball machine, i.e., bouncing all over the place.

I'm not surprised to read that her eyes were swollen and red. They all have times when they cry and they will not tell you why. Some cry when they leave the house after visiting, some cry in the driveway before coming in and others cry at the drop of a hat and we will not know the reasons why. It could be the guilt and shame eating at them, it could be because they are confused and can't understand why they are where they are at the moment, etc. I'm glad you didn't ask her about it. If she wants to talk, she will and you just listen, as a good friend would do.

Sounds like she's trying to find ways to ease her pain.

Continue to keep the focus on you. What are your plans for the weekend?

[srt]

Hi job, thanks for the pep talk! Little things like this really do help me keep the train on the track.

Currently feel a bit of a mess, emotionally tired, the duration of the sitch and current stalling of any progress are getting to me. I need to get busy tomorrow.

Today had a nice time with S&D. Had a morning at the park and some shopping, then cinema this afternoon. Currently fixing them up some tea.

Yes I do agree with you about her seeking something to ease her guilt and/or pain. When she gets defensive she is quick to point out some pretty minute details of how her life is better, yet I know through friends and family that she is not content at the moment (although her facebook is going overtime to try and "prove" it).

I kinda wish her family would wake up to the fact that she is emotionally not well, and needs help. I keep thinking that they resent me and are using this sitch to turn her against me even though this was all her choice.

Not sure how to finish this up, other than I was talking to my friend about how I was feeling and then said nothing is going to change in the next 12 hours, I wish I could just get some mojo back! I think I need to take my own advice.

[job]

srt,

I'm sorry that you are feeling a bit of a mess and yes, I do understand being emotionally tired. This journey can do that to you if you allow it to do so. That's why we continue to say "keep the focus on you and your family". No one can predict how they will be from one minute to the next and trying to figure them out is like the hamster on the wheel.

I want to just say this about the current stalling of any progress. If you are referring to her, don't assume anything. We can see what is happening within them. They don't have open wounds/scars that we can see, but their emotional growth has been badly bruised and it takes time for that to heal properly. God is working on her each and every minute of the day and you have to have faith that he will guide her and heal her. Wounds take time to heal and they didn't just happen. It tooks for them to crack open and begin to ooze, therefore, it's going to take some time for them to heal and hopefully she'll be a far more mature and responsible woman when her crisis is over. Also, you need to remember that she's not operating on your time clock. She's on her own clock and that one is very, very slow. Dig deeper for patience. I know you are frustrated, but it all does take time.

I'm glad you had a nice time w/S&D at the park. Sounds like a busy day, but it's made up of some fun and relaxing things.

As for her family, blood is thicker than water, and sometimes it takes a long time for them to realize that you aren't the problem. You have no idea as to what she's told them, so continue as you have been and try not to worry about what they are thinking because one day, they will see clearly.

Continue as you have been, keep the focus on you and your family and leave her in God's hands for now.

[srt]

I feel like I'm cracking under this now

Talk from the kids about her getting a bigger house and a dog (wtf! she hates dogs!) is driving me nuts. W waltzes in with a "happy" look, when I know in her eyes she is not. Why are they so fake? Her facebook is littered with "lifestyle" pictures, but she is paranoid about getting old, and feels she has terrible wrinkles.

This is one h@ll of a rollercoaster. If I rewind myself back to spring, I had accepted the current sitch. The current state of play with a stalemate due to her demands about holidays is driving me nuts. I feel I want to hit her with an ultimatum, but I know this will do no good. I'm tired of feeling sad around my kids, yet I know a D will not help. I'm GAL'ing as much as I can, almost to the point it is making me ill. I feel far too invested in this M, but that my W has taken me for granted.

What is annoying me the most is her lip service to "trying". She sat in counselling as said she wanted to when I didn't unless she was committed. She has since done nothing more than a walk or soft drink at a bar. She now only seems to want to meet up in my time when I have the kids. This show no commitment in my eyes and is actually harder for me than not meeting up. Her reluctance to progress this in any manner seems like a signal to me that she is unwilling to work on the M. I should not be surprised since I know this is a sign of mlc, but I feel done. I want to stand but I'm starting to wonder the point.

I have no doubt we had and can have a fantastic marriage, but I cannot do it all myself. Equally I don't want the worry of someone not "all in" and the feeling they might not be there when I get home. It is going to take a lot of work from her to rebuild the trust needed in our R and I don't see her willing at the moment.

I know I'm now rambling, and probably it's just the hurt coming out, but I'm starting to doubt my strength. Another piece inside me is also wondering what will happen if things suddenly get serious and her "fantasy" starts to collapse around her. However I'm then scared of getting the answer I don't want to the question I've dared not ask.

I know I need to think this all over, 48 hours and all that.

[srt]

jeez what mental anguish over the last 24 hours.

In a bid to calm my nerves I have been listing the signs I see of my W mlc - currently at near on 3 pages of A4. Not quite sure why I'm doing this other than to ease my feelings of guilt that there was something I could do about this.

Over the next day I'm going to list my good/bad points and start to set myself some targets and goals so I can retake some control over my life for me. I now know I've been dragged back in to this and it is not healthy if W is not willing to work on M.
Hopefully this will keep me busy and might even uncover a few gems.

As always I'm grateful for those that read about my sitch, please do drop by and if nothing else say hi as it all helps

[srt]

Hi folks, been a while since I've been on here and calmed down a lot since then

I've been reading a lot on here about other peoples sitches and now really we really all are very unique in our cirumstances.
Regarding my sitch nothing much has changed. Very little forthcoming from W, no more "dates" though we did spend a family day together.

One thing I'd like a little guidance on from reading other threads is how do I approach these family like things? W does not really invite me or include me in any, yet seems peeved I do not invite her. I am positive she is being very selfish with this and do not wish her to get the wrong idea of what it would be like if we D. I should add I still love her and want to work this out, just want to make it work.

On our recent "family" day the discussion did get to R. W was visibly uncomfortable with this, and was saying she wanted to "get herself better" before R. I asked what she meant by this and she mentioned various health issues. When I said what happens if you don't get better she just said "then I die".
I'm not sure I get what "getting better" has to do with our M?
Other than that the day went well, although W declined an invite for tea with us, guess she is still not ready to start working on anything.
Just rambling on now. Appreciate any and all comments, thanks