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Gump,

Sorry I haven't been around much. In my current state just being on here and seeing all the people that are just beginning the journey and all of us still living the pain everyday I just can't look all the time. I feel pain in every new sitch I read.

As for you my friend, we have had a similar journey and are at a similar point in our journey.

We have come so far and been beat down as far as we can be beat down. But that's just it there is a limit. I know I couldn't go any further down so now each day I am slowly rising up and feeling some purpose again.

You WILL be ok. Days WILL get better. It's like everyone tells you when you first get here. Detach! Well only now do I truly know what it means and what it feels like. It's knowing you have done everything you thought was right. It's being pushed as far as you can be pushed. And now as sad as it is I know my W is gone. Maybe for good maybe not but the point is I have let go and am not hanging in her every word or text or sitting around hoping she will walk back in the door.

Seriously this is the hardest thing for most people on here to comprehend but until you can let get and block them out you are living in a prison and it's so toxic. Life is short take the hits and fight back. You are strong Gump I know you will continue being a great dad and have a bright future that will bring happiness again.


ME- 31 W-25
T-5 M-3
D2
ILYBNILWY and moved out - FEB16
W seeing someone else - JUL16
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A small typo in my post above, maybe a Freudian slip?

Originally Posted By: ForGump
I have been trying to tell myself that after the D, I can make a happy, healthy, joyful home with my W


I meant to write, "I can make a happy, healthy, joyful home WITHOUT my W.

albac -- thanks for your camaraderie on this journey. It's hard to feel the movement in the beginning. Just the pain. But eventually, as you hold your ground, or even improve yourself, you start to see things for what they are. And your W's behavior and her choices for what they are. I am enormously sad for my marriage and my W and for my kids, but this forum has helped me stay more grounded than I would have alone.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
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I read that slip and was wondering what in the world you meant - thanks for clearing it up. How you doing today FG?


"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies.
BD: Feb '16
D: Mar '17
Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing.
S6


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Thanks for asking CT.

To be honest with myself, every day is difficult. And will remain difficult while we are in in-house separation. Until D takes place.

But I have arrived at a place -- sadly -- where I think overall a D will be better than what we're going through. What I am going through. So, although I'm not exactly pushing the D forward, I am looking forward to being relieved to have this M behind me.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 386
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FG - So sorry you are in this situation, it definitely is a process - curious how the DIY works out for you, most of the advice on here is to seek legal council but outside this forum many have suggested saving the $ as lawyers only make it that much more stressful and can really spoil what if any civility you have between you. If it can be done mutually and respectfully all the power to you! If it comes to that between my W and I I'm hoping we can settle civilly. I've seen it first hand with friends who barely talk now with each other.

Albac- I like you have found that coming back here, while supportive, can also stir up more negative emotions in reading through all the pain others are going through. But if we can help in anyway...


Me: 40 W: 45
T: 13, M: 11
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16
EA/PA Discovered 3/16
EA admitted 3/16
W Moved out 4/16
W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
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FG, win-win in a negotiation does not always mean even distribution. Think about this statement when the time comes. Maybe even research "integrative negotiation". It may help you, it should help you. Anyway, I know the time may not be now and I wish I had time to explain more, but check it out.


"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies.
BD: Feb '16
D: Mar '17
Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing.
S6


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Journaling:

Divorce negotiation has stalled. I've been trying to put the ball in W's court, so she drives the process.

But W's also been more angry. Full of rage at moments. In those moments I resolve to push the D forward. Not out of hatred or resentment -- but believing that a physical separation might defuse her simmering anger, as well as provide a haven for the kids. Her anger is pushing me in that direction, but it's not a clear cut choice, yet.

That visceral, physical, sexual tie I felt with my W ... it is being weathered away by months of her coldness and anger. In a way, she's making it easier for me to divorce her. I'm sure it's her subconscious way of making the world consistent for herself -- it's easier to make me the bad guy and want to leave, rather than to admit I'm a decent guy and still want to leave me.

She's blowing in the wind -- a hurricane -- and I'm trying to stay steady without being fake.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
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Hey Gump, I'm sorry that you and your W are getting further away from each other. This in-house separation really suc£s.

Why have D negotiations stalled, is it because she isn't actively doing anything to move it along?

Just keep doing what you are doing and let her get in with what she has to do. Your doing great in the circumstances...


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Quote:
Divorce negotiation has stalled. I've been trying to put the ball in W's court, so she drives the process.

Exactly where it belongs.

Quote:
But W's also been more angry. Full of rage at moments. In those moments I resolve to push the D forward. Not out of hatred or resentment -- but believing that a physical separation might defuse her simmering anger, as well as provide a haven for the kids. Her anger is pushing me in that direction, but it's not a clear cut choice, yet.

Back in my day some vets were telling me her showing anger is all good. Not sure I get that after all this time. I always viewed as her frustration of not being able to control me. I guess when you step back it could appear to be her outwardly showing some of her inner struggle. I always did feel the proper response was - sorry you feel that way, I imagine it's hard on you - and then walk away. I actually got enjoyment out that in a way.

Quote:
That visceral, physical, sexual tie I felt with my W ... it is being weathered away by months of her coldness and anger. In a way, she's making it easier for me to divorce her. I'm sure it's her subconscious way of making the world consistent for herself -- it's easier to make me the bad guy and want to leave, rather than to admit I'm a decent guy and still want to leave me.


Yeah this is where the LBS is in a bind. I think I mentioned that when I finally served my XW she tried to make me the bad guy big time. But nobody fell for that. One of my mentors - Puppy Dog Trails - called it the "Fall o the Princess." Your W may feel the pressure starting to build especially since you have passed the burden of filing to her. She doesn't want that guilt. But I totally hear you on physical desires being withered away. To me that will be very difficult to get back. For me it was easy. Confirmed PA means end of M. But even before then the damage was done I was starting to see no path where I go back there.

Quote:
She's blowing in the wind -- a hurricane -- and I'm trying to stay steady without being fake.

Strength and Honor. Always wins. You can handle this.

Mules


M 43
W 44
M 17
T 22
S16,12,9
Bomb 2/05/08
I served her 1/06/09
S'd 3/15/09
D'd 12/21/09



"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
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Here, for DIY divorce ... we have to complete forms on child custody (a detailed schedule of who has the child when), alimony (how much for how long), and division of property. I believe my W and I agree on general principles, and we've both agreed to go forward with the D.

But one of us has to do something to actually proceed with filing the D. As I see it, the next step has to be one of us putting forward some details, so that we can negotiate and complete the required forms. I'm letting her take that next step. She hasn't brought up the issue... at least for a few days. Who knows, she could send me a draft any day. Today even. To be honest, I dread getting emails from her.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
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