Newby here, desperate for some advice (thread 5)

[MoveFrwd]

I definitely was right there playing the pursuit/distance game.

Which is a game -- albeit one being played by someone who doesn't know she's playing it -- pure and simple.

This was my point I guess. She isnt going to stop until you can become more consistent. How can you say she's the only only "playing the game" when you are coming and going like the tides as well?

So what will you do to be more consistent?

I'm sure there's some sort of Zen-type reason why I shouldn't care that I can't right now imagine how I'd ever reconcile with my W, but I don't see what that reason would be. It seems pretty important to me.

It isnt zen.

Its that you cant possibly know how it would happen anyway.

Let's say I wanted to become a professional soccer player right now. Sure, it's a longshot, but let's say that was my goal. Do you think I would have every step of it planned out? Of course not. But I would at least start with a few things that I know how to do - Id go buy a ball, Id start running, Id maybe join a rec team, and so on. Then, once I hit those goals, Id look to whats next. I could spend my time worrying about what happens if I get drafted by a team and I have to move to a new city, but at this stage, it's totally irrelevant.

[JRuss]

darknes -- that makes sense, if you do in fact want to be a professional soccer player. However, what if you'd been working on becoming one for 2.5 years, poured your soul into it, thought you really wanted it, but, lately were becoming increasingly struck with the thought that maybe you don't like soccer as much as you thought you did? What if soccer -- despite your efforts to make yourself the best player you could be -- made you unhappy? What if, every time you pulled up to the soccer field in your car, you felt dread and wondered how you'd get through the next practice? What if, despite looking for some glimmer for 2.5 years, soccer always found you wanting and not good enough?

Would you keep playing soccer, or just move onto whatever's next?

[JRuss]

sandi2 -- are you saying the abused family in your example had it coming to them, because they didn't or couldn't stand up to an abusive a$$hole?

[ForGump]

JR-- you guys still in separate bedrooms? Does that help alleviate your torment?

I'm not pushing this at all, but just hypothetically...

What would your W say, do you think, if you suggested that she move out and you guys work out a schedule for her to come by. She could even come by every morning and evening.

I've heard of that type of arrangement, as well as one where both parents actually share the same apartment in alternating time schedules.

(None of this would have *ever* worked for my situation. W too irrational)

[JRuss]

ForGump -- yes, still separate bedrooms. Sold to me as a one-night thing after our last fight/R talk but obviously fully intended to be long-term/permanent. This is an outgrowth, I'm sure, of her hiring the IC, err divorce coach, I was (rightly) worried about. She's all about there not being any "mixed messages". In terms of alleviation of torment, at first I was horribly hurt by it but am actually sleeping a little better the last couple of nights, so it hasn't been entirely bad. I realized I was fundamentally exhausted trying and thinking and worrying and not sleeping pretty much all the time, so it's been good to fall asleep and stay asleep for 4-5 hours without waking up and staring at the ceiling.

I don't think she'd go for that separation model, but if I do end up needing physical separation, it's probably where I'll start the discussions so that maybe I end up in a still-good (for me) place.

[ForGump]

it's been good to fall asleep and stay asleep for 4-5 hours without waking up and staring at the ceiling.

I know what that feels like. Even now, being a light sleeper, if something wakes me up after about 2am ... I am done.

I have gotten myself a Starbucks card, and got the gold status pretty quickly.

Lost a few pounds too -- which I like, although I would like to have found a different way to lose weight.

[JRuss]

I know all about that wake up/stay up thing. 2am seems to be the magic time for me, too. After that, and I might as well get up and start the day. [Note to self: actually get up and start the day and GAL.]

I am down to 162 from 197. It comes from not eating much but also, I think, simply from being in this state so much of the time. It changes your metabolism, at least that's what it feels like.

[ForGump]

That is awesome weight loss. Assuming normal height, that probably puts your BMI in a great range. I just weighed myself after a visit to the gym a few minutes ago, and saw I lost about 8 lbs. Which is a lot for me, not because I'm skinny -- my BMI is in a fairly healthy range -- but because I've tried in the past to slim down a bit for health reasons, and always found it extremely hard. What can I say, I like food!

Since whole thing started, I found that hunger just doesn't feel as bad it used to. I don't mind not having breakfast (other than coffee w/ cream & sugar), I don't mind going to bed a little hungry.

[sandi2]

sandi2 -- are you saying the abused family in your example had it coming to them, because they didn't or couldn't stand up to an abusive a$$hole?

What?! Of course not!

[focus22]

Just popping in to say hi, JRuss.

Hope today isn't too bad.