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Quote:
Yeah a months upfront rent is paid and the deposit. And I don't know, I've told him I don't want to have to deal with any of this, and it could just go through my L..


I agree with your approach on this.
Let the L handle these things. We don't need to intertwine with the day to day things that WAS now has to handle for themselves.

I have not spoken up of late, but I am impressed with how you are doing.
Keep up the great work and spirits and taking prompt action on things.
You are sounding stronger every day.

You and your family continue to be in my prayers.
(((((Cherry)))))


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Cherry Offline OP
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Thanks SH, I'm trying. Must admit, I did just have a 2 minute weep, I was thinking about having the baby, and thought of the first time and it brought a tear to my eye. It was like seeing another man in my head, a man I haven't seen in a couple years, and I wanted him- not the man who is in his place today.

At least I guess I released a few emotions. And I shall let that be that.

Yeah exactly, I don't want to have to be involved in this, I told him from the start I do not want this so will not be a part of it. Showing me the papers before they are filed seems like I play a role in this. Plus why would he do this?! Why is it even worth showing me?! Questions I can't ask so will not ponder!

Prayers are always appreciated!


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
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No shame in tears dear Cherry.
I have had them leaking out of my face for the past few days...
Not sure where they come from, but the drip out of my eye balls in some most inopportune times....

My heart breaks for you and the situation with the new little angel headed your way. It does sound as if you have some family and friends to be there. That is good.

I like that you are tossing the question out about him showing you the papers...
"Whatever!" I say to him and his ridiculous behavior. His Monkey, his circus tent.

You are a strong gal...
Strength comes form challenge...
You continue to step up..
Perseverance will see you through to wonderful times.

(((Cherry)))


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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I dunno, I just kind of feel like it shows me I'm not quite as detached as I should be. Maybe I'm beating myself up, at least I'm dealing with my emotions, and the tears only lasted a couple mins and then I got in with my evening without paying much mind to the conversation.

Yes definitely throwing those questions away, I've learnt the hard way not to ponder their thoughts. Especially as they probably don't even know why they do things.

But thank you, I do have to give credit to everyone here for their support 2*4s, and the homework you gave me SH. Without being here I would be making a whole heap of mistakes and probably be in a rather dark place. Db has made me work on me, and helped me deal with things I've carried around for a long time


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
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Quote:
Without being here I would be making a whole heap of mistakes and probably be in a rather dark place. Db has made me work on me, and helped me deal with things I've carried around for a long time


AMEN my dear DB sister!!!
AMEN indeed. smile

(((((Cherry)))))


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Cherry,

Don't look at the papers. Do the usual with the talk, listen, validate etc. The papers are for your L. As SH says, his circus - he is doing this for attention/effect. I also wouldn't engage in conversation about him moving out. Just let him travel his own path and keep your side of the street clean.

In terms of the birth. This is something you must decide on. It's something you need to be very comfortable with. Perhaps having your Plan B there as your Plan A with your H in the room, IDK, I think if you ban him you may regret that. You may even want H in the room and Plan B outside? It would be ideal to think it could snap him out of his fog but from what I have read, in terms of other sitch's this may well not be the case.

You have plenty of time. Perhaps talk to your M and D and even MIL. Why not eventually talk to him?

Sorry, no definitive answers on this one. It's far too personal. You have plenty of time to talk to those that are closest. But suggest you get there quickly in your mind so it is not 'on repeat' in your head.

Surfer.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
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Cherry Offline OP
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Thanks surfer, you're right. Validate and let the L deal with the papers. And you're right about getting there in my mind. I guess the thing is I won't really know how I will feel closer to the time. There is no knowing how I will feel. It is an intimate moment, but I know that he wants to see the birth of his child, it's tricky.

I have my plan b ready to be my plan a. My mum will be ready to spring into action if needs be. My mum is a good soul, a wise thinker, and despite the hurt wh has caused (they thought of him like a son) she still thinking if things are okay between us that he should be there. I guess we shall see. With a wayward there's no predicting the behaviour. I still continue to tell him about upcoming scans (he told me he wants to be at those), I don't hold out any hope that he will be there- but I lay that out to him too and let him know it is his decision.

I shall continue to keep my side of the street clean. After all, this is the only thing I can control.

He claims he wants me to see the papers because he won't let the L file unless we are happy and agree with the reasons he has given. Feels like a bit of a temp check to me?


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
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Hey cherry,

Filing is filing right? You don't need to necessarily agree with any of it yet he can still carry on with the D. So best to not have any part in it. When he has the conversation I would not mention again this isn't what you want (he knows that) but I would simply say you've consulted a L and he/she is expecting the paperwork so just have his L contact yours and you will handle it from there.

Whatever's he's doing. Whether it be temp checking, baiting you, etc doesn't matter. He will do what he wants. Don't have any part in it. These conversations just seem to go round in circles with no outcome. He's made big boy decisions he can follow through on them. He really needs some type of new reality to set in before he can even begin to figure out where he's going. Step out of his way and let him do that.

Good luck!


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Cherry Offline OP
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T, you're absolutely right. He does need to see the new reality he has set out for himself. I honestly don't hold any hope that even that would make him see the difference. I just don't hold any hope of us reconciling anymore, I just don't see it as what he wants. Still I'm no mind reader.

I think that shall be my stance, pass it on to my L. If he wants us to be civil towards each other for the sake of the children, I see it as very critical the L deals with this. Otherwise the anger and emotions could take over and damage any chance of that being the case.


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
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Originally Posted By: Cherry
I dunno, I just kind of feel like it shows me I'm not quite as detached as I should be.



(((Cherry)))

Can we cross out "as I should be" and change that to "as I would like to be?" Please don't "should" yourself, sweet Cherry, this is so extremely hard and I don't want you to put anymore pressure on yourself. Shoulda woulda coulda :-) This all takes a loooonnnggg time. This is your H, your M, your family, your life! You are doing so well in the face of this crisis, you are learning to focus on you, and I believe many silver linings will come to surface over time. You will grow and get stronger, that I do know! Detachment only happens at it's own pace as you move through the motions, we cannot force it. I don't think there should be shoulds in love.

In terms of the L and his need to run it by you. Well I have no idea what is going on in his head, but it appears it is more of his attempt at blame or guilt shifting. He is acting like a coward and is not able to take full responsibility, so if he runs it by you, he has convinced himself that this is a courteous gesture. Also, if he runs it by you and later some issues arise, he is able to tell himself (or you), "but I ran it by her and she agreed." So do what feels right to you, but know that it is perfectly okay to tell him, "no thank you, you handle this as you need to with your L and I will do the same."

In terms of the birth, I would encourage you to come up with a birth plan with those you trust right now. This is one of the most important and vulnerable times in a woman's life, you may be highly emotional, and I care far more about you and your well being than if he is present or not. Unless you can say that it would not affect you if he was in the room (cold, distant, texting, etc) than please think about what you can do to prevent that. I think it is perfectly okay to spend time coming up with some ideal birth plans and then letting him know your boundaries and expectations of him. If he is not able to meet those needs, then you can let him know what he is able to do and not to do at that time. I think the more you can have a plan and other support in place, the more comfortable you will feel.

I am actually glad he has a place. I think when he leaves you can have some peace in your home. I don't like that he is there and comes/goes, and is having this A with your coworker. I hate to plant this seed in your head, but I think when you get to the point of where Sara is (and where I was getting with my H) and you put your and up and say "enough is enough!" then things may change. We see you getting stronger and moving on, but he sees and knows that he can come back at any moment. I think your H will really start to feel the consequences of his actions when he moves out.

Right now he is in lala land and it is not fair to you at all! I would love to see you kick his little arse to the curb and change the locks! No more disrespect for our Cherry, she deserves a man that loves and appreciates her!!!

-Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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