Cherry.Papers filed "am I making a mistake".focus!

[Cherry]

I'll just give a brief re-cap for anyone new.
Around oct 2014, my h, a man who has always been so loving and close to me began to pull away. He had just been promoted and was being really pushed at work, he wanted to be successful at it- so he worked damn hard. I supported him physically and emotionally the best I could, I was his biggest cheerleader. Our lifestyle had undergone a huge shift already as we had just had a baby a few months before.

After a few months of him being a little distant, from super chatty and telling me absolutely everything. He had become withdrawn and silent. He started to change passwords on his phone, he had always been so open with that, we both had. I started to suspect ow. Jan 15, he told me he wanted a d. I made the mistakes, then came here and started the work. Although saying he wanted a D, he never seemed to research it seriously. He said we would do it once I'd "got my head around it". He moved into a spare room. Eventually he confirmed a EA, and he would cake eat, at times tell me he wasn't sure he wanted to D me and he still had feelings.

Apr 15, he called it off with ow. And asked if we could work through this, he was honest and admitted he slept with her a few times. In hindsight, I took him back quickly. We started to work through this and were completely transparent. But we didn't tackle the main issues. Again, Oct 15, he withdraws- no talk of D. For months, I endured a rollercoaster of ILYBNILWY then a month or so later ily. Back and forth. Things started to improve in May. We were close again. Having regular sex again. Mid June I realised I had fallen pregnant. Although, surprised and shocked (we both kind of were) h was so happy, said how we were closer to our big family he wanted with me. A week later, he's hiding his phone, I snooped and found suggestive flirty messages between them. With her giving advise that he should leave me and s "it's totally normal these days, not even a big deal". He then tells me that we aren't right for each other and he wants a divorce.
He moved into the spare room again.

The papers are now filed and he is leaving soon. He still denies that there is a ow. But I'm no fool!! He's began the last couple days to begin to speak to me again. And he decided to share with me that he finds when he looks at me he struggles to contain his sexual urges. I'm resisting these words, it changes nothing. He still wants a D.

My focus now is absolutely on me. We are heading for a quick d, and I'm now figuring I just need to let him go and get on with my life for myself. I am the woman that he is a fool to loose, and maybe at some point he will see that for himself. But not in the way he is now, he would have to be my h, not the wh he currently is. And he is no way capable of being him.

This is pasted from my last post. In the meantime, I've been very much focussed on me, busy with my responsibilities, work and a bit of a social life. He had began to creep closer to me, then he had a chat to me where he said he felt he is perhaps making a mistake. The papers are already filed but he is questioning himself, he feels he has a problem in himself looking for more love, which he mistakes lust for. He questioned why I hadn't tried to stoPsysarah, that's the way I note things too. It does help to be detached somewhat so the changes in behaviour don't hurt me or change my moods. And yes a real 2*4 or a 4*4 may be even better.

Grl, I listened and validated, I was on the lookout for potential spew that may help me. But it was all about him, I even hinted towards him that we both contributed to where we are now. But he had nothing negative to say about me. He kept saying this is about him and his feelings, that I hadn't done wrong and was a good wife and that I was beautiful and a good person. A 180 of mine has been to closely listen and validate, he would complain before that a talk would end in me not listening to him, or interrupting it- or making it about me. So to sit and stfu and just listen and validate is a 180 of mine.

Haha Zeus that's so funny! What a great idea, I shall locate a horse and get my chain mail out later on. I may throw a rose at him too, maybe throw my hankie down to him to let him know he is mine..

In the meantime, a lovely warm sunny day, so I intend to make the most of it, packed up the car and taking S on a day trip, my folks are coming along too, so it should be a nice day out of the house. Fresh air works wonders on the soul, as does seeing my S enjoying himself. Sometimes I'm not in the mood to drag myself out, wether it's that I physically feel under the weather, or I'm just feeling a tad withdrawn. I always find getting myself out and about really does help- and I'm always glad at the end of the day that I was productive. I'm not really a fan of a pity party or allowing someone to make me question my worth. Think it's new thread time- so I'll meet y'all over therep this and wanted to see me fight for our m. I said what would that look like, he said throwing myself at him, telling him off, calling him out on his behaviour (?!) yano, all the stuff db tells us not to do! I paid it no mind and have carried on business as usual.


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2704809&page=11

[lt0402]

I agree, I think it helps to be given different opinions and see what works. Sometimes it's hard to see straight when in your in situation, a different view from an outsider can help.

And I do welcome a hit with a 2 x 4, because sometimes we all need a kick up the ass, I also welcome support! Heck, everyone's is welcome a mi casa!

I have had yet another busy day with S.. park, a nice walk, a guilty shop for me and picked up my new iPhone. The task now is sorting it out, my patience does not extend to technology! Wh was around today, I don't know why, but he is back to ignoring me. Again I'm still carrying on as normal. His chaos, not mine. I don't know if I journaled the other day that he said he thought I would fight for us more. I'm not sure if this is a scripted statement? Anyone heard this? I chose not to change my approach to db-ing. Would you agree this is right? I don't see how throwing myself at him when I'm treated like sh!t would help me at all. I chose to step back and leave him to it to respect his wishes, but most importantly help my own sanity. If I was in a perusing stage (like he kinda requests) then I would be a needy attached individual. I don't think I'd have self respect for myself, and I would never have been able to come to terms with being separated, or able to see my L, or have my papers ready to file. Plus, it seems like a request to cake eat, have some needs met elsewhere and the ego boost of a w at home meeting needs and throwing herself at you?! No can do.

It just seemed really strange that a wayward would say that they want a D, but then say that they want to see you fight for your M more? Gees.. don't worry, I didn't take it onboard. Nor has it changed my approach, I just thought I would throw it out there and get it journaled down in my telenovela..

Cherry, my W says the same thing about me not trying to save our M. It used to kill me to hear it but now I just let it roll off. I know that I'm busting my a$$, and you should to, to save your M. Don't listen to it or react to it bc it goes nowhere. Maybe it's our WS way of trying to allay their guilt by thinking we also didn't truly want to be in the M either. Who knows. I do know that my W started saying it when she started to see that I wouldn't be pushed around by her anymore.

Keep doing what you're doing and be your strong self! You rock cherry!!!

[Cherry]

Lt0402 you're right, and it was after the time that I began to pull myself further away from him. I think you have a good point on trying to shift some guilt like "well you didn't want it either, you didn't try and stop me"

[Altair]

Cherry,
It's like he's trying to put half the blame on you. He filed, (50% fault, in his eyes) and you didn't try to stop it (50% fault).

Hm. That math is plain incorrect. Then, since both of you equally participated, then he can absolve his guilt.

[AndrewP]

Cherry - your strength and compassion continue to amaze and inspire me and probably pretty much everyone whose life you have touched. I haven't posted recently on your thread but just wanted to say "hi" and thanks for past kindnesses.

With her giving advise that he should leave me and s "it's totally normal these days, not even a big deal".

I just wanted to say how much I absolutely hate when people say this. My first IC (who fired me) used to go on about this.

PS - if you want to start over again in Canada my offer of the spare rooms in my house is still open I just hope you're a cat person.

[Cherry]

Altair, you're right. I had thought of temp checking but it hadn't occurred to me about blame shifting! Hmm

Thank you Andrew, that's nice so nice to hear lifted my somewhat groggy mood. And thanks for the offer, I am actually a cat person! Love them

Had a good but tiring day. Now I'm tired, throwing up and generally cranky. My mood is a little meh. Would just be nice for a cuddle right now. Instead, once the little one goes to bed, I'll have a nice hot bath, and watch a movie I think.

[Phoebe]

Cherry, you are doing amazingly well. That you can let that stuff roll off you this well is just incredible.

I agree with everything that has been said above. SO much of what is said in the heat of emotional turmoil is blame-shifting and projection and taking the path of least resistance. It is so much easier to blame another person, saying something like "you make me feel inferior" (or fill in whatever the complaint de jour is), rather than taking the emotional responsibility upon yourself. It's hard to say that "I feel small and powerless because I don't have a lot of self-confidence and I'm unsure of myself."

My WH told me that I wasn't a fully-formed adult, yet at another time he accused me of always treating him like a child. How does that work? Out pops whatever backs up the WS reaction in that moment. My WH knows his behavior is completely regressive, but then tried to accuse me of the same (projection), or else tried shifting the blame to me and implying that I somehow made him act like a child because I treated him a certain way. I call BS on that. No one has the power to MAKE you feel a certain way.

On some subconscious level they recognize the reality of the situation, but they cannot accept that it is actually their own faults they are seeing reflected back at them. The more outlandish the accusation, the worse they feel about themselves or the more conflicted they are. Bear in mind that I'm not at all saying that I am without faults, nor is anyone here. I'm just saying that if something doesn't make sense, then you need to consider the source.

Him faulting you on not fighting harder for your M is simply him trying to make himself feel better for not doing so himself. That's an easy one, but not so easy to sort out in real time.

I have no idea how you do it, Cherry, but you have been a trooper through all of this. Hang in there lovely lady.

((((((Cherry))))))

[Cherry]

Thanks phoebe I had to find a way to step back so then I could let some actions roll off me. Don't get me wrong, their is times I hurt and I miss the old days, but they were days with my old h, not the man here today. He's too toxic and all over the place to be connected to him, and it would for sure make me unable to function if I was still hanging onto him.

You're absolutely right, the way I see it is ive been fighting for this m for a very long time. I guess to a degree I still am, but I needed to step aside and get myself stronger before he drained me.

I have no doubt that amongst their actions that they find it difficult to understand all of a sudden we are no longer crying, or moping around. Funnily enough, his spew is very rarely anything to do with me. This whole time, it's mainly been about him, and he's still praised me- which I guess adds a little to the confusion. It's like one of the things I said to him about why would I persue him/try to sleep with him, when he has told me he didn't love me anymore. He just replied something ridiculous like well would you believe me if I told you that the sky was green? And then tells me he does still love me.

All I could do was validate, but not believe a word his says. Talk is cheap after all.

[Buxom]

I totally concur with Phoebe!!
((( Cherry )))

[Cherry]

Is there seriously a mail order script for waywards? A PDF perhaps, or a PowerPoint for those visual types. He came to see me in the early hours. And flat out denied saying any of the other days conversation. You know like I sat and imagined it. Back to I shall be moving, the papers are going through, I know I've made the right decision. There was times I couldn't even validate. I don't think I said anything of any damage. I was particularly cranky this evening through tiredness, aching limbs, headache and vomiting; I really didn't want him to come at me with any of his spew because right now- I just wanted alone quiet time and sleep.

I mainly listened, I did kinda say "but you did say this".. then I gave up, because what is the point. I know it doesn't change anything, I knew he would deny this, so I didn't take things onboard. But if they catch you off guard, it can occasionally get to you when they just deny everything. I guess I'm trying to make logic of a situation where there isn't any.

I think I shall go a little further dim for a few days while I refocus. He stormed out of the room, after standing in silence - talking normally, and he switches because he is "p!ssed off". I'm not sure I can even manage civil right now with him being so toxic. If someone can get angry when nothing is even being said- I'd sooner back off. I did have to bite my tongue from saying "when are you going then". I do think things will be somewhat calmer all round. A little less confusion for me and S. He hasn't seen S at all now for 3/4 days. S hasn't even asked for him. And S seems to have rather perfected ignoring him, for the last week or two, he's took to running in the opposite direction when he sees wh in a room.. and this is the friendliest kid who waves and says hello to anyone he meets. This is hurtful for me, because despite how I feel, I don't want to damage the r between father and S. But I guess toddlers can't process or speak through their emotions, they just go to whoever they feel safe and loved with. I just got to protect him the best I can.