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Originally Posted By: JimKao
STBX calls yesterday evening and talks to the boys around 7pm.

The boys were playing on the playground outside and I went and gave them the phone. S4 did not want to speak with mommy.

She could hear me asking S4 to come to the phone but I was not going to force the little guy to talk if he did not want to. I tried 3 times to get him to hold the phone and he kept saying he is busy playing.

After I told her S4 is being difficult, she started to get short with me and said give him the phone and just have him listen so I can speak with him, I have not spoken to him the last two times (S4 does not really have any interest in living with STBX).

He finally came close enough where I handed him the phone and he said hello to her and then said I am busy, but I asked him to just listen to what mommy has to say quickly.

I know this may be a small thing, but STBX's tone changes quickly with me. She could hear me ask S4 3 times to come and speak with mom and each time she wants to continue to command me to do something. Well you know what, next time I need to address the issue differently with her because it is not my fault she does not call everyday and keep a bond with her kids. I will try once or twice, but if I start to hear that tone change in her voice I am going to politely tell her I made the effort and kindly say goodbye or come up with a better response to validate her feelings.


JK you defintely should not allow her to jump on you for S4 not wanting to speak with her. You also probably should not force S4 to speak with her if he does not want to. Maybe it's worthwhile to talk to S4 and see if you can pinpoint exactly why he doesn't want to talk to mommy.

I'd offer you give your W a warning about it next time she gets on you. If she does it again then maybe you politely say I'll speak with you later, goodbye and then hang up. Just my 2 cents, but I think something like that would change her behavior towards you.

Hang in there JK! That's awesome that you and S8 are becoming closer by the way!


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Why did you over extend yourself and put the pressure on your S4 to talk to her? Did you feel it was the right thing at the time? Or were you scare of upsetting W and her reaction if she did not get her way? It was like the change in her tone of voice scared you.

A 4 year old playing on a playground wants to talk to stop to talk on the phone for no one! Your W was being selfish and angry because she was not getting what she wanted.

Don't go out of the way for her anymore. Don't let her scare you.

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Originally Posted By: Ginger1
Why did you over extend yourself and put the pressure on your S4 to talk to her? Did you feel it was the right thing at the time? Or were you scare of upsetting W and her reaction if she did not get her way? It was like the change in her tone of voice scared you.

A 4 year old playing on a playground wants to talk to stop to talk on the phone for no one! Your W was being selfish and angry because she was not getting what she wanted.

Don't go out of the way for her anymore. Don't let her scare you.


This. 100%. I used to be this way with W and know this feeling. It still creeps in for me at times. JK, if this is the case know that you have control over this and don't have to appease her. It gets better if you don't.


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I'm not entirely sure if I agree with this. It seems like there should be the expectation that the kids have to at least listen to he noncustodial parent.

We're not talking about a teen. He's 4.


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The expectation for a 4 yea old to stop playing on a playground is a little too old for 4 . A teen should be able to that. 4 year olds barely grasp the concept of the phone. Stopping to play to talk through this thing where I just hear a voice I feel isn't reasonable to force. Pick up your toys when you are done playing? On their level of listening and obeying. A concept they can grasp.

I've been doing this raising a kid thing through divorce since 6 months old. Often my daughter never wanted to talk on the phone to either of us. I asked my IC about it. She said it isn't reasonable to expect a child of that age to want to talk on the phone because it is not visual and cannot grasp their attention. They don't quite understand it. So neither of forced her to talk to us. Once in a while she would say "hi" then get distracted by something visual or tactile.

This wasn't about having a kid " obey"

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I do however, agree a kid needs to listen to and respect both parents no matter whose house they are at . But not for selfish reasons.

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Originally Posted By: Ginger1
The expectation for a 4 yea old to stop playing on a playground is a little too old for 4 . A teen should be able to that. 4 year olds barely grasp the concept of the phone. Stopping to play to talk through this thing where I just hear a voice I feel isn't reasonable to force. Pick up your toys when you are done playing? On their level of listening and obeying. A concept they can grasp.

I've been doing this raising a kid thing through divorce since 6 months old. Often my daughter never wanted to talk on the phone to either of us. I asked my IC about it. She said it isn't reasonable to expect a child of that age to want to talk on the phone because it is not visual and cannot grasp their attention. They don't quite understand it. So neither of forced her to talk to us. Once in a while she would say "hi" then get distracted by something visual or tactile.

This wasn't about having a kid " obey"


Everything you say makes sense. And you certainly have more experience parenting in this situation.

On the other hand, it sounds like these boys might be heading into a very uneven custody arrangement (not unfair, just with longer stretches between time with mom).

If the child repeatedly chooses not totals on the phone, I worry it will create a downward spiral in the relationship with that parent.

Am I placing too much importance on the phone calls?


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Well, it all sort of depends on what the custody arrangement will be. The phone calls are more for the parents than the kids. For instance, my D9 is with me most of the time. She rarely asks to call her dad, rarely does on her own her I pad. She has her own access to FaceTime. He rarely calls her on his off days.

My Longest my D and I go apart is Friday night to Monday night. Sometimes she calls me, sometimes she doesn't, but I don't call her because that's the time where she is focused on being at dad's house. And when she is there, even though she doest speak to him when she's not, she's living the life she has at her dads . I find it doesn't affect their R.

I honestly think what is better for the bond with their parenting time is to be engaged with the parent they are with. Putting pressure on them to speak with the other parent makes them feel guilty when they just want to be in the moment and live their little kid lives. The downward spiral happens when they are forced into a phone call. Especially at that age.

If phone call time is important, it needs to be set up where the kids aren't engaged in other activities. But it is hard to adhere to a schedule like that, because little kid lives are happening and they are really only aware of what's around them and what they are currently engaged in.

on the other hand, I think a parent who teaches out to call shows that they are there for them. that reassurance, even if they don't want to talk, is comforting to them. But the pressure when they don't want to is stressful

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lt, Ginger, Rose,

STBX does not have a set time that she calls. Normally she will text earlier in the day and ask what time to call. So the whole thing was a bit of a surprise.

I always make an effort to ensure that all the boys talk to her. I did not try to force S4 until after STBX became snippy. I should have just politely said that is not acceptable to speak to me like that and should have hung up the phone with a polite goodbye.

I did not try to force S4 because I was scared of her, although it may seem like that. I want S4 to have a connection with his mom. I should look at it differently though, since she is the one that left and wants the D, I should have stated to her that she cannot just call when she wants and disrupt their lives and that we should agree upon a set time if she would like to speak with them.

Honestly, the boys have not really mentioned that they miss mom since school started. They do bring her up every once in a while but the talks about her are very brief.


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S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
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The kids are probably reacting in a variety of ways - individually, based on their age and emotional profile. It sounds like you are doing a really good job with them.

A practical suggestion - can you turn on video chat with WH so the boys can see her and she can see them? If you do, they may come over to the phone.


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